The Taurus B*stard

You??re weaning yourself off the lithium and you??re in the process of finding a new job, savings account and new country to live in. in other words, you??re in the delicate process of recovering from a horrendous relationship with a total b*stard. (Aries, Scorpio and Pisces spring to mind here, for no apparent reason)

Who better than Taurus to charge into your life and help put you on the straight and narrow? The one who seriously knows what's good for you and goes about giving it to you, no matter how many times you tell him to sod off??_ At this point we could cut an interminably long rant short by saying Hitler was a Taurus. But we can't as the small army of the bloody b*stards breathing down our necks won't let us ??_ Therefore, while you helplessly look on, Taurus will storm up and down the war office that's masquerading as a lounge room, issuing arrest warrants, editorial comments and rent tribunal complaints on your behalf.

If you so much as attempt to get up and make yourself another glass of his fortifying home brew, he??ll bark at you to sit back down again as you don't need to stand on your own two feet whilst he's around. This usually has the effect of making you feel a bit redundant and fools him into dangerously misguided beliefs like he's being incredibly useful. Don't think you??re being unreasonable if, after a while, you feel like you don't have a thought of your own. Even if you did, Taurus wouldn't agree. For arguments sake, lets say that whilst gulping down the twelfth dodgy beer he bought, you chance upon the Virgin Mary glowering virtuously above the drinks cabinet. After you excitedly tell him about your immaculate discovery, he??ll declare that there is no such thing as God and you must be on drugs, (which is not far from the truth, since you have doubled your lithium intake in the vague hope that you??ll accidentally overdose).

However, you still have some of your facilities intact; one of which is pride. But even when you cross yourself, stand tall and point to Our Mary, Mother of God, whilst waving your diploma in Astrophysics, your degree in Visual Arts and your masters in Biblical Communications under his nose, he??ll still insist you don't know what you??re talking about. As far as Taurus is concerned, you??re completely incapable of saying or doing anything by yourself. That's where he comes in, again. You casually mention that now you??ve got your Ph.D. in Social Sciences and onc

once you can face people again, you think it might be quite nice to have a career. Before you know it, there's a party plan rep making nuisance calls. (Taurus is a tad old-fashioned that way. Career girls aren't his cup of tea unless they actually make it for a living.) You mention in passing that once you??ve got over your fear of wide-open spaces, you??d quite like a holiday sometime in the near distant future. Done. Booked. Paid for. Where? Why do you need to know? What's wrong with Poland? You??ll like it/ they don't eat either.

You then let that slip, one day, when you??re well enough, you might like to have a baby. Low and behold, he waltzes into the bedroom waggling a thermometer, plotting your biorhythms and methodically filling in the appropriate forms to ensure young Taurus isn't left on the waiting list for Scouts. The Taurus b*stard is so big on practicalities that before too long he??ll be making your toes curl, which the doctors say is an encouraging sign, since they had resigned themselves to you being a complete vegetable for the rest of your life.

You wouldn't mind so much if he came up with solutions in a less predictably earnest and efficient manner. Then at least there would be a bit of gratuitous excitement, a spot of feckless recklessness to enjoy from the comfort of your coma. But to put it as politely as possible, Taurus is one of life'?? plodders. And whilst slow and steady may win the master race, its pretty tortuous to watch or to participate in. (Which is probably why you are still on the lithium and have quietly developed a methadone habit as well.)

Paradoxically, when he's not running and therefore ruling your life for you, the Taurus b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. When it comes to doing things for himself, he won't move unless he has to (i.e. to the fridge or the bar fridge). If he lives by himself, don't be ecstatic when he invites you over to his place. It??ll look like a bomb??s hit it and this may very well be the case if he still lives in that bunker in Berlin.

His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your —sex life?? with him. Though Taurus likes to be in control when upright, he??ll always allow you to be on top in bed. Indeed, he's so bone-idle; the only kind of rapid eye movement you??re ever likely to experience is when you??re fast asleep.

Propaganda issued from the Earth Sign Camp decrees that, yes, he can be a bit of a c

As for you, well, Taurus won't tick you off immediately. He??ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard. Then, when your quota??s up, he??ll dismiss you. Ruthlessly. This can get a bit confusing, because the last straw could be the fact you didn't pick up the groceries on your way home (you??ve finally been allowed out on your own, as long as its only to the corner shop.) So you will go through life believing Taurus dropped you because you forgot the milk, not because you were having it off with his best friend.

And whilst you can plead your case until the cows come home, once he's made his mind up about something, nothing will force him to reconsider. Threats involving kitchen appliances or power tools don't work unless a prison sentence for manslaughter seems preferable to putting up with his pigheadedness. Be warned though: If you do attempt to kill him and you aren't completely successful he??ll hold it against you for the rest of your life. When Taurus has a gripe about
something, you will never, ever hear the end of it. On and on and on he??ll go —
he got rejected from art college, his mother didn't love him, his German Shepherd got run over (repeat as often as you like for desired effect).

Our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he??ll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing around trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
The odd-shaped skull, slightly bovine features and potbelly are usually dead giveaways. However, if he's also got a moustache, a forelock and a symbolic nose, call Mossed immediately.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Standing over you, lying under you or sitting in a seat on behalf of a completely daft political party. If, by fat chance he's running anywhere, it??ll be on doctors?? orders.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Look as unfetching as you can in your wheelchair. When he smiles at you, turn a blind eye and stare pointedly at the golden Labrador seated next to you. When he doesn't get the hint, and instead says —Guten morgen??, pretend to be deaf and use sign language to make him go away. When he still refuses to take —f*ck off?? for an answer, and persists in asking you out, pretend you are also mute so that you don't have to say —yes??.

THE FIRST DATE
He??ll push you kicking and screaming in your wheelchair to a beer festival. There he??ll de

THE FIRST DATE
He??ll push you kicking and screaming in your wheelchair to a beer festival. There he??ll devour all the bratwurst and sauerkraut within gobbling range, whilst you drink the lager tent dry in a dismal attempt to forget.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Join the resistance and don't.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you are fed up with all the vicarious thrills and tumultuous times provided by less dependable, but ultimately more desirable b*stards. And only after you??ve quit your drug problem and practiced your goosestep so that you can walk down the isle in a straight line.

IF HE DROPS YOU
He won't. Tenacity is his only virtue. Drop him instead.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll probably wait for you to realize your disastrous mistake. When you don't, he??ll patiently wait until you do.

LOL I love this book, thanks for posting it girl.