my virguy update..

so its been 8 weeks since we split and 4 weeks no contact.. we started texting friendly messages friday (just friends) and it seems to be going quite well so far. He even texted me this afternoon off his own back to see how a charity event i was involved with went. Another previous reply said i should let him know next time im in london and we should meet for coffee (after he realised id been down a few times and not told him). It is VERY early days but im going to take the friends thing slowly and if anything else happens then great.. I have a really good f?eling about this, he seems to be in a much more positive place now.

I don't know the circumstances of your break, but once separated I have found that
only thing you will eventually prove is that your instincts were correct in the first
place.

*********
I fully agree.

😢😢 ... rescueme .. why are you doing this to yourself, still? I know you want to have yourself believe that you only want to be friends with him ... but, it's not the truth .. you want him to want you the way he did before .... the way it was before you told him you were going to move to London to be with him.

I just see this as you setting yourself up here to be heart-broken again, rescueme ... for you have yourself fooled into believing that you are doing this because you want to only be friends .... and you don't want to only be friends .. you want him to love you like he did before, and though you may think you are going to him honestly ... it's actually under a false pretense ... one in which will bring emotional harm to you that you'll never see coming if you don't face the truth.

I'm not saying to not talk to him, or try to have coffee with him ... I'm saying don't lie to yourself and tell yourself that you're doing this just to be a friend. Tell yourself the truth ... you're going to him because you want to be his intimate woman again, like before.


On another note ... how is the job search going?

"the guy who wanted to marry you"


No. He's the guy in a LDR, who backed off when she said she was going to move to his town to near him .... and he didn't want her to, he wanted her to stay in the LDR with him = never promised commitment in any form, nor implied it.

He did want to marry me, a couple of weeks before he went on holiday he told me i was the one and he wanted to move in together in a couple of years to which i agreed that i thought he was the one too but i didnt reply about moving in together. He was always bringing up our future kids etc etc saying how he cant wait to do this with me and cant wait to do that with me. Im quite reserved so i would never elaborate on any of this, if anything it's him who made everything really serious. He would talk about kids names and i would just say oh i havent really thought about it.


Anyway the sad truth is i have no idea what's going on. Yes i probably want more than friends and yes it's probably going to hurt me more to stay in touch but sometimes i think if you have something so special it's worth fighting for (in a subtle kind of way). I think he has some problems and i want to be there for him even if only as a friend and even if it hurts, when you love someone you do that dont you? Maybe i am being a doormat but i have to find that out for sure before i will give up.. I dont know why i am doing this to myself either.

I am keeping my options open, if another guy came along i wouldnt rule him out but that wont happen in the city i live in.. it took me long enough to meet him. I am sooo picky (about the guy's morals and personality).... he fitted all the criteria which is why i fell so bad! Plus.... is it really wise to get into a relationship with someone when you are still in love with someone else? I have to know that this door is closed for certain before my heart will let go and move on.

I think in break ups its easy for people to see the guy as the baddie, in actual fact i dont think there are any baddies in this break up. He is the most gentlemanly respectful guy you will ever meet. He just doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship right now, and i cant hate him for that.

Re; job hunting, i had an interview last monday and it went really well, they said it would be anything from a week to three weeks till i find out though so fingers crossed. Ill keep you updated of course 🙂

I really do appreciate everyones' comments because i know you are all giving me the best advice that you know, believe me i do take it on board it's just i think i am more ruled by my heart than my head and it's hard to change that.

Interestingly i heard this week that his mum and sister are both fighting my corner which is nice to know, they cant understan

P-Angel just to clarify he is also LDR guy, i think i may have messaged fumingli-scorp separatley about the other stuff. We were in a LDR he went on holiday, came back said he had doubts about me moving to london because he didnt htink id be happy there.. i got upset and thought he didnt love me anymore, he said he needed some space and it went pearshaped from there on...

Yes, I remember it all, rescueme .. I know he's the LDR guy .. that's what I said.

He has never wanted you to marry him, Rescueme ... this is what you have in your head, as you interpret the meaning behind his words of you being the one, talking about future.

There's a difference between what is the reality ... and what you want something to be.

Here's what it is ...

So long as you were far away, in this LDR .. he told you what you wanted to hear, all the words you wanted to keep you there ... "You're the one, Babe. I love you so much. Maybe in a couple years we can try and live together. I want you so much, and miss you terribly."

And then when you tried to actualize this ^^^^^^ by telling him you were going to move to London to be with him .......... he bailed on you.

That IS the reality here ^^^^^^^

Not what you want it to mean .... it is exactly what it is, which equates to = he told you all those things to keep you right where you were, and NEVER wanted a commitment with you .... because IF he did, really .... really ..... really ..... he would have.

He wrapped a bubble around you to keep you on his string, and he did it quite successfully .. this has nothing to do with a commitment issue, and it has everything to do with him keeping you at arms length, while playing into your feelings to keep you from detaching from his hold.

The reality is, rescueme .... this man wanted you to STAY in the LDR with him, to stay loyal to him .. while he never promised a commitment to you .... for if he truly wanted one with you .... you would have him already. His turning his position on you had nothing to do with the timing of his Holiday .. it had everything to do with you telling him ..

.... I am moving to London to be with you ....

..... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ that's what made him bounce, that's when he told you it was over, that he wanted to break up with you while it was still going good.


He played you rescueme .. sorry to tell, but, that's what he did. And I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings, but, I can't lie to you.



The bottom line is ... this man filled you full of everything you wanted to hear that was sweet, wonderful, charming, loving .. while you were too far away from him for him to bind himself to you for a commited relationship .... and the moment you told him you were placing yourself in near proximity of him to have this "serious" relationship .......... he bounced.

That doesn't make him have commitment issues .. it makes him a player.


If .... IF ... if this man wanted to marry you, rescueme ... he would.

He would have been elated that you were moving house, he would have come up there to (Manchester area?) and moved you himself, he would have cleared out his kitchen so you could put your girl things in there, he would have stood on the rooftops and yelled out loud that his woman has agreed to move to London, he would have proudly told his family that he found the woman of his dreams, he be diligently looking through the wants ads to help you find a job, he would have you coming to stay with him while you searched for these jobs ..... IF .... this man wanted to marry you, rescueme ... he would have moved his whole life around to accomodate you the moment you accepted his proposal of you moving to London to be with him.



He didn't .........





... he bounced on you.


^^^^^^^^^ that is the reality.



I know you love him, and I know you don't want to believe that, Rescueme, and I know that inside the fantasy it's beautiful ... but, it's not real. A man who really loves you .... REALLY .... wouldn't do that.

A mission has begun >>>> all men will now have C/P, if they dare to make their own decisions about life-partners.


He's just a player .. unfortunately, Rescueme is too young and inexperienced in life to know what the signs are, and fell prey to it.

It sucks, it hurts like hell .... it is also life.

We live and learn.

"I know I'm capable of the grand gesture, and am not above making a fool of myself for the sake of love."


You sound like my husband ... omg, I was so embarrassed .. we had only been living together a couple weeks and he shows up at my work, while I'm off to the bank .. when I come back, everybody is staring at me, and I'm like .. what?

He told them all this stuff about me ..... she's going to marry me, isn't that great .. she's mine .. she loves me ... she's living with me .... she .. she ... she ..

And I'm like really reserved in public .. these people didn't even know I had a boyfriend, I didn't tell them my personal life .. and here he is on the doorstep, pouring this all out to people that had no clue who he was.

Never heard that one before ... I am that I am meaning God .. will have to trust you on that.


Sounds like something Voldemort would say.

The thing is he WAS helping me move down to london, he kept an eye out for jobs for me, helped me do applications, made me let him look at applications when i didnt want him to because i was embarassed, really encouraged me to apply for anything and everything he thought i would be great at...and he WAS shouting from the rooftops about me. The week after my interview for my first job he introduced me to his family and they literally knew everything about me, they said weve neevr seen virguy like this before and he's head over heels for you and he had told them how excited he was about me moving down to london. I heard from a friend that they are as much confusion as me about this. When i went down he ws always so keen and proud to introduce me to everyone he knows and seriously i dont think he was keeping me in a bubble at all. Maybe i am just naive. Would a guy really help you apply for jobs if he didnt want you there? Surely there is also the argument that you can beat a person down so much sometimes that they just give up because they have nothing left to give.

hey fs unfortunately i think i am the same, i will only give up once the ship has well and truely sunk, right now i can still see debris so it's causing me to think it may stay afloat. I think it's maybe because im a taurus and very stubborn!

Sometimes maybe you do only learn through living.

My sister did suggest something to me and i think i may take up her suggestion. She said that maybe writing him a letter could be a way for me to let go regardless of the outcome because then i know i have said everything i wanted to say... then i cant have any regrets and maybe i can move on. My only problem with that is i no longer have his address, and email's not quite the same is it?!

Thanks again sweety xx

That's not what you said, Rescueme ... a person only has to read to know what you said.

He told you that he wanted you to move to London and you refused .. when you finally agreed is when he realized you were calling his bluff.

Logic would dictate if and when they read your testimony .. that if you refused to move to London, then there would be no job interviews.

"he had told them how excited he was about me moving down to london"

That ^^^^ is in complete contridiction to what actually happened, according to you ... according to what you said on another thread, the moment you told him you would agree to move to London, he backed away and became distant, and finally broke up with you.


I would suggest that if you plan on changing your "story" .. then you'd be wise to hide the posts you don't want people to know, so you don't look like your being deceptive.

im not being deceptive at least not intentionally, ive been applying for jobs in london since april. Early on i was very keen about wanting to move down and it was only the last couple of months of our relationship when i said "im only moving down there for you" because i felt insecure. I havent time to check but im certain in other threads i have posted and said about him alwyas saying he would love me to move down. Ive never refused to move there because that has been the plan all along (well since feb/arpil time), although i may have expressed doubts. Plus (and i may not have mentioned this) we went on vacation in May and i had an interview that came through then only the interview panel wanted me to meet them the day we went on holiday so i couldnt make it. He was really keen for me to reschedule and when i tried to reschedule and they wouldnt he was really supportive. He actually acted a bit bemused that i wasnt too upset about not getting a reschedule. Im sorry if i am seeming misleading im not intentionally or "deceptive", i dont know whether the whole thing is getting confused becasue it is such a long drawn out story. I dont lie about things.

Anyway more virguy update today.. i dont know what everyone will make of it... We had been sending friendly texts over the weekend so i let him know i was down in london this friday. He texted me today to say he would like to meet up, no worries if i cant make it because he will be home (in the area i live in ) over the next couple of weeks so we can catch up then. I decided that i have to be one hundred percent honest with him if i meet him on friday.. so i wrote him a rather lengthy email saying about how i am feeling and that because i still love him i dont think i can be 'just' friends with him. I said that he should take time to digest what i have wrote but let me know what he has decided eventually so that i can move on in whatever direction i need to. I think this was the right thing to do.. because.. i think whatever the outcome i can now get over this without having any regrets that i didnt say everything i wanted to - it is all there in the email.

"and he WAS shouting from the rooftops about me."

" and he's head over heels for you and he had told them how excited he was about me moving down to london."


You must believe that because you said it .... ^^^^^^^

-----------------------


"I said that he should take time to digest what i have wrote but let me know what he has decided eventually so that i can move on in whatever direction i need to"


Rescueme .. there it is right there ^^^^^


If what you had said in this post were real .. that he was happy that you were moving to London to be with him, shouting from the rooftops .. then you wouldn't have to write an email asking him to think about whether he wants you or not so that you can move on if he decides not to want you.

I can't make you see it, if you choose not to .. sobeit


" .. seriously i dont think he was keeping me in a bubble at all."

Yeah, and still in it. You're only allowing yourself to see what you want to see, rather than reality.

p angel it amazes me that someone in such a long term relationship as yourself who purports to be so knowledgeable about these things fails to see that sometimes emotions are not as simple as black and white. Surely such an expert as yourself would realise that there are a whole wealth of feelings, situations and issues which underpin how a person feels. Im not going to argue with you about the ins and outs of my relationship because i fail to see how a person who lives thousands of m?les away, who has never met me or virguy can tell me what did or did not happen in my relationship. I write on this board out of interest and for advice and support and because of that i try to be as honest as possible, i dont expect you to berate me because you dont know every single detail of our relationship, or you choose not to believe me. Relationships are complex things i couldnt possibly communicate all the intricacies of it to you if i tried. fs ill keep you updated 🙂

Rescueme, a person doesn't have to know every little detail of a relationship to see the writing on the wall ... a person only has to know the signs of a Player.

He played you ...... as soon as you agreed to do all those things he was telling you to keep you hooked on him, he broke up with you.

You said you were looking for insight and support ... well there you go, you get the truth of the matter .... if you don't want it, and would rather continue being blind to the lies of a Player, then sobeit .. it's your heart at stake, not mine.

Someone can lead you to water .. it's up to you to drink.

You take such pleasure in being a bitch.

That ^^^^ wasn't to you, Rescueme.

maybe i do need to get hit on the head with a frying pan because right now i am not feeling rejected enough to give up on it. I wish he would hit me on the head with a frying pand and a hugely ginormous one at that. It sounds insane but right now i would be relieved to hear he is in a new relationship or something because I would know it's over. But it is not sinking in no matter what anyone says to me, i still feel and i wish i could stop that. I need to hear it from him and i need it to be hurtful.

I am into surfing (and surfies) virguy has never been into surfing and i think he always felt not good enough because of that. His vacation just before we split up was to ireland to see relatives. Ireland isnt the surf capital of the world lets be honest and while he was there he had surf lessons(he said he was worried about looking silly on a vacation we were meant to be going on in september)..Before he went i said dont be daft you dont need to have lessons to impress me, but he did which i thought was really sweet. To me these arent the actions of a player, or someone who intends to split up with their girlfriend? Players play you dont they, they dont change to fit into what you like.. which is what it seems he was trying to do? That is why im having difficulty believing he's a player.

I know i am fighting a losing battle with everyone on here and i know you are all telling me this for my own good, my friends are all telling me the same things. I just feel like i need to hear him say it out right that he doesnt want to be with me before i will believe it, because i still feel it. Im sure eventually (if it is the case) i can learn to accept he doesnt want to be with me, but i cant accept he's a player because he's not. He was worried about letting me down, he's not the most secure guy on the planet and i think he freaked out.

I don't think he's going to tell you no.....so what, your just going to hang on? So what if he's scared! Goodness he needs to sort it out! Come on, if he wanted you you'd really know it well. Until then back the hell off! If all of your friends are telling you the same thing as the people are here, take the pin in your own hand and burst the bubble that you are in. Come on....at the end of the day no one is going to rescue you here but yourself. You don't want to....stubborness is not a good quality, determination is something else entirely it's working towards a goal that you know is achievable. i.e a guy who shows you just how much he wants to be with you....

p.s I met a guy who I was running after a few months ago, and I really liked him too and I did what some people here did too. I made myself ridiculously available, I contacted him a lot, I told him what I was feeling...ultimately, I left myself exposed without really knowing and seeing that what this guy was telling me wasn't matching what he was doing for me.

I've been away from him, I've realised this and even posted on here for a bit of advice. I took the advice, please don't come on here only wanting to hear what you want to, you came here for a little bit of advice? You needed help because you are seriously out of whack right now with what to do. In my situation, however much I liked the guy I could see that it wouldn't work, and although a part of me still likes him. I'm leaving it alone....because the signs are obvious.

There's no big dramatic ending, you walk away, you dust yourself off...you learn and don't punish him or yourself for your actions. You learn something and you feel wonderful for that in the end because you've respected yourself.

Give a little to get to know but don't lay yourself on the line, he needs to earn your respect as much as vice versa.....

When all this is over you will see that, but like I said take the pin and do it yourself...emotions can be a maze and perhaps you are lost in the one that you let yourself be led into far too easily....

word ^^^^

Fs I totally recognize what you were saying about your judgement, I think that is what's hurting the most that the whole situation has made me question myself. It's made me lose a huge chunk of my confidence when I have never had a problem with it before. Suddenly I have been thrown into a situation where I am recognizing the signs but I am thinking how could I have got it so wrong? Gees it hurts like hell

Leokitten I did say I was going to London and meet him and he agreed.. then I sent the email to which I have as of yet had no response? BUT?

I loved BrownEyed's response, if i had a printer at home i would print it off and stick it on my wall and read it and read it everytime I think something stupid, you are absolutely right. I know I need to make a conscious effort to do this now, I am going to try so hard.. I already exposed myself too much by emailing him. Now I need to walk away and not look back, stop beating myself up. I know this, just keep reminding me if you see me pop up on here (although hopefully I wont!). I have so many good people reminding me of what to do and I need to open my ears and listen. Even my mum said on the phone this evening that I am wallowing in my grief prodding an open sore and making it worse instead of letting it heal, and I know she's right. I know you are all right.

Fs your post made me laugh so much, my dumped ass definitely keeps popping up!!

He's an Aquarius actually.

I agree with LeoKitten on quite a few points actually, about this not just being applicable to men but women too. Also if you cut away the astrology it's down to real living and breathing relationships. Whatever the persons astrological make up they have the potential to treat people wonderfully or downright dirtily. It's important to remember this and not just give them leeway because they have signs that mean they should be allowed more freedom to not respond to another in a kind and considerate way. The same rule does apply to all. If you give in you may as well just give up.

If someone doesn't treat you well then find someone who will. Just because you show someone how to treat you respectfully it doesn't mean they always will...but that doesn't mean you should give up and give and give and give in the hopes of turning someones heart towards you.

It's very empowering to know when you like someone who doesn't feel the same way that although you can't change the way someone feels about you, you can change yourself. Like ok so they don't like you and you've tried, then you change your behaviour because that didn't work. It's a big world with a whole lot of people, why is one man so special when he doesn't even make you as happy as you have the potential for being? Are you scared no one else will love you even a smidgen of what he's giving you? If you give yourself a little bit of the time and devotion you have given him you will let go of a little bit of that fear and you know...that's a step in the right direction.

You think you won't get as much love because you tell yourself you won't get as much love. The second you start respecting yourself, loving yourself for who you are and what you have to give and start believing that you are capable of being in a two-way loving relationship you know what? One day you will get it.

Actually, it's interesting. Since I've let go of the other guy and realised I was right about the above, men...buses, 3 right now who can see the above and would like to get to know me better in a romantic sense. Shame I'm not interested right now because I'm not going to be here much past the new year but that's not the point is it...do you see?

"Leokitten I did say I was going to London and meet him and he agreed.. then I sent the email to which I have as of yet had no response"



Rescueme .. you are missing a key ingrediant here, and no matter what I say, you just don't want to hear me.

When you told him you were going to move to London, he dipped on you. It is true that you did say you were going to London, however, he didn't want you to do that, eventhough, all along he was telling you he wanted you to.

You said that you've contacted him and he has agreed to meet with you, but, he didn't agree for you to move to London to be with him ... hence: the reason why you have to send him this email asking him if he will agree to see you.

You make it sound like he was in agreement for you to come to London to be with him because this is what he told you he wanted when he knew he had you at arms length ... because he told you that, doesn't mean that is what he wanted of you to actually do .. and this is what you are missing here.

You have it in your head of what he told you BEFORE, when he was playing you .. and cannot reason past that because you want to be with him, and are heart-broken.

The actions of this man is speaking volumes here .. and you're not allowing yourself to recognize it because you don't want it to be so.

You HAVE to recognize, Rescueme, that the moment you agreed to move to London to be with him .. is the moment he broke up with you and told you not to come.

p-angel i just established in my message to browneyed that i am attempting to get out of this bubble im not sure why you have written your response. Incidently he texted me last night and said he would like to meet with me today in london and i said no. Im not sure how you have him written off as a 'player' he is not a player.

I have popped the bubble, i am trying getting over this but as i said previously i refuse to believe that everything is always as simple as black and white, some things are not he's a player he's not a player.

"I have popped the bubble"

" ... he's not a player."


The only thing you can do is live and learn ... you'll be able to hear this tune ringing in your head soon. Unfortunately, you require being knocked really hard against the wall.

Have fun ... I'll be waiting for you when you come in here with a bandage on your head, and crying about being used/abused.

Good Life to you 🙂

I also liked browneyed's approach thank you girls you have been lovely through all of this and i shall try my hardest to take your advice and keep you updated 🙂

I know that london will work out well for me, it's just a change i need right now...

Best to you too 🙂