removing pictures and memories?

Hi again,

Over the past 8 weeks Ive been dating this Virgo and if you have read my other posts you'd know that he lost his wife a few years back. When I first came over her photos (a couple, not many) were around the place but on Xmas night when I stayed there I noticed they were gone....we also watched a few of his o/s travel videos when they went to various cities/countries and we got to one where she would be in it and he said "I'll fast forward it now" and I said "why?"..he looked at me as if to say "what? you wont be offended?". He speaks of her well and its not like she's a nasty ex whom he's angry with..she died as a result of an accident and Im glad he can have good memories of her. So we kept watching and then there was some footage of her in happier times and he looked at me and said "thats my wife". I knew that of course LOL. Its as though he was relieved and another time when he was talking about her and I responded well he said "OMG most women would run the other way because of my baggage"....I cant understand that. The guy lost his wife and has good memories, why would anybody not want that?

I guess Im just asking though what does it mean when he takes her pictures away? Does he think I'll be offended? its not like we're in a committed relationship at this point!! I would like to be but thats beside the point.

Im enjoying his company and we spend regular times together and I felt pretty special that he invited me over for Xmas night....I guess if he were seeing others and/or a player that just wouldnt have happened. He's going away for a week now damnit...gonna miss him terribly 😢

What can I say/do so that he doesnt feel he has to remove her from his life when he's with me? or should I do anything? is that his way of moving on? somebody said that its his way of saying goodbye to her...I dunno, I dont want him to feel that he has to remove them coz Im in his life now.

Oh and then there's the question.....is it too soon for him to be moving on? Its been 2 or 3 years (I havent got the full story yet and too scared to ask in case I upset him).....he hasnt been seeing anybody else since (that much I do know) but he loves having me around and will make a point of communicating with me very regularly.

I never thought I'd fall for a Virgo but I have big time....

I think it's a really thoughtful thing to do on his part in all honesty. Shows he actually cares about your feelings.

I personally don't think 2/3 year is too short of a time..people have to move on..the sooner the better. Of course he will always have fond memories of her but you are in his life now so he has to concentrate on you.

What you've already done shows you aren't heartless and you have allowed him to talk to you about her and openly and without feeling uncomfortable. That must mean a great deal to him. But if that was me, personally now that he's shown you the footage of his wife and cleared away the pictures and talked about it, I would't encourage him to talk about it all the time. This relationship should be "your" relationship now without any outside influence however small. The more you encourage someone to openly talk about their past, the more they could become comfortable with it. In the long run, it could drag you down at times. As women our emotions get the better of us at times and we will start comparing subconsciously..thinking she was better at this, he loved her more than me blah blah...You have to set your boundaries somewhere.

Hope that helps..I am not a virgo, just a woman..but have seen instances where men just couldn't let go of the past..can't stand that.

Actually thank you, that is awesome advice, and yeah the more I think about it, the more I realise he is doing a huge thing by being so thoughtful 🙂 How Virgoish LOL.

Thanks again 🙂

sounds like you had a great xmas Chatz 🙂 did he like his present? and what did you get?

I think your virgo is slowingly testing to see how much he can let you in. It's a good sign because it means he likes you and wants to share his feelings with you, it's just that he is afraid of how you will react to his baggage.

it's two-fold too, he doesn't want to hurt you and he is being careful balancing between his desire to be open with you and not hurting you in the process, this is why he fast forwarded the scenes of his wife and hidden her pictures for your visit

what you can do is first let him know that you are ok with his love to his wife, he will never forget her and don't try to make him do so, let him deal with the healing himself but demonstrate support

if next time he shows you videos or pictures of his wife watch his reactions, hold his hand in a gentle way, let him know that you understand, that's all you need to do and you have saved him from drowning in his emotional well

this is how you get closer to virgo, show them that you genuinely care, that you genuinely interested and that you genuinely appreciate them

thank you, yes it is no doubt very difficult for him and it will be for me too.

He gave me a beautiful selection of truffles and other delectibles for Xmas 🙂....and he's taking me to dinner when he gets back from interstate...so basically we had the same idea/s. He was genuinely happy with what I got him - phew!!

I havent heard from him since yesterday and tomorrow morning he's leaving to go to Sydney for a week....boy will that test me (I miss him already LOL). Its probably a good thing for both of us as we've communicated almost everyday for weeks now. He might even miss me hahaha.

Im doing my best and just chilling out when Im with him...if he talks of his wife Im ok with that, again, she isnt a nasty ex sitting in the background holding children against him, etc...and for him to want me to be there with him on Xmas night rather than go and see her family (as they'd hoped) means so much and I didnt sway him either way...he wanted it that way and said to see them would put him backwards by 2 years as they get very emotional so I did suggest perhaps he sees them in a few weeks when its not such an emotional time for them....he thought that was a good idea. I havent met any of his close friends nor family yet but Im being honest and open and he's met my friends and a member of my family...I hope that shows him that Im comfortable with having him in my life and proud to "show him off".

Im not sure where his head is right now - we had a great Xmas but Im going to give him space over the next week to just enjoy himself and do his analyzing and stuff....I think he needs it as our "r/ship" has come along quite quickly over the past few weeks...for him anyway. His head is probably spinning a bit and I need to slow down (typical Leo wanting it all straight away LOL)...I realise Virgos are a lot slower in that department. No doubt I'll hear from him whilst he's away and if not? well its just me who wants more out of this "r/ship". Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?? haha...we shall see.

Thanks for your support - you've been very helpful indeed.

to forward on MM ... you don't need to encourage him to talk about her in fact I advice against the opposite, only thing you need to do is listen when he talks

I don't think with this virgo you will have to worry about him doing it to the extremes, in fact he will return to you and love you more if you show this kind of understanding as time goes by her memory will fade away and you will be the main woman in his life and it will be good because you will have earned that position

I would likely be reading this differently ... questioning why he did what he did, didn't make sense, and why doesn't it make sense? If it doesn't make sense then there has to be a deeper meaning.

He would take pictures down .. and then show you a video of her?

what?

There wasn't a parade to watch on the tele, or a movie? Miracle on 34th Street, a Wonderful Life .. something.

He shows you a video of his wife >>> purposely.
And then offers to fast forward where she is present in the video, as if this is being considerate of you.

That makes absolutely no sense .. at all. If he wanted to be considerate of you to take down all her photographs in the house while you are visiting with intentions of considerate to your feelings .. then why in the fuck would he then purposely plug-in a video of her during happy times for you to watch?


There's a different meaning in here that he's trying to tell you, Chatz.

People would say not to do anything and let him bring her up to you ... well, didn't he just do that?

He got your attention by taking down the photographs, didn't he?
He further got your attention with the video, didn't he?

yes, he did ... because this is what you are now talking about.

He put the thought of his passed-wife in the forfront of your brain .... and there's a reason for it.

If you remain indifferent, aloof to him making these suggestions to you then he might deem this as you're not interested enough in him to embrace this issue of his, and in turn blow you off.

Virgo's are going to be direct, Chatz .... they aren't going to confront matters of the heart.



This man just waved a flag in front of your face ... did you see it?

"Virgo's are going to be direct, Chatz .... they aren't going to confront matters of the heart."


**** aren't

Virgo's aren't (are NOT) going to be direct with you, and confront a matter of the heart.

I agree with everyone else and not with P-Angel. I want to add that I think there was another reason he took down the photos, it was not just in consideration of your feelings, after all you've seen them before. I think it was a symbolic step he was taking with himself, that on this Xmas he is finally ready to move on. He probably communed with her beforehand and made sure it was all right with her and their memories, and of course it was, the dead are not jealous usually. Virgos are very sensitive and spiritual you know, just because we don't let everyone know about it doesn't mean it isn't there. I think he sounds like a fine person. Why he played the videos were because they were his memories and he was showing you his life, what was important to him, why would you want to watch a canned video instead of that. Yes I believe that fast-forwarding through the parts with his wife was an attempt to spare your feelings, but he was relieved when he doesn't have to hide that or any part of himself. I'm not sure what P-Angel would have him do, completely suppress every mention and memory of his wife around you? That kind of falsity and hiding is nothing to base a relationship on. You sound like a great person giving him his space, having made this move with you he probably needs to "rest" awhile and not have you pushing him, and you seem to understand that very well. I think Leos and Virgos can get along fine, as long as the Leo is willing to take things a little slower than they might prefer, and maybe not always be worshipped as thoroughly as they would like, and if the Virgo can make a little extra effort to spare the Leo's ego and show sufficient appreciation - like never forget their birthday or anything, that will not go over well. Leos are not greedy, they just like appreciation where it is due. Best of luck to you and your Virgo!

Athena

"I'm not sure what P-Angel would have him do"


It's also apparant that you have no idea what I told her, what I was eluding to ... for it's obvious that you thought I was saying he should suppress or ignore.


Try re-reading with an open mind of what I am inferring, rather than a closed one based around what you erroneously "thought" it meant?

thank you...it does make sense, very much so and thank goodness for this board to get such great advice and an outsiders' perspective.

P-Angel I just want to help you understand why he showed the video and I dont think it was being sinister or anything like that....he's travelled extensively and Ive just come back from a European trip...we are talking of going overseas together in the New Year and he asked if I'd like to see some footage he's taken of Prague and Venice, etc, etc....of course Im interested and I had EVERY expectation of seeing her in any of them (her name is not taboo and he mentions her in discussions and Im good with that...he doesnt get sad, he doesnt make a big deal of her so yeah Im good with it, she will always be a part of his life)....there was very little footage of her in fact and 99.99% is of the touristy thing). He hasnt declared his undying love for me and nor I for him but we are growing closer.

He did ask if I'd rather watch a DVD or anything on television but I am interested in travelling more and I want to learn more about him and what he likes so it seemed like a good idea (and I dont regret that he did show them). When he wanted to fast forward the video it wasnt a big deal, he didnt draw attention to her, he did it as a matter of fact and it was me who said, why are you doing that?...he seemed relieved that I did and had he made a huge effort the 2nd and last time, then I would have probably wondered...

P-Angel, I dont think anybody has actually been understanding of his situation over the past 2 odd years and most people would avoid it altogether....he has spent the past 2 years in hibernation and slowly he is evolving and coming out of his shell...he is shy around women and he would possibly question whether others would feel its too soon and thats possibly why I havent met his family as yet.

After having read all the posts and done a lot of thinking, I feel I should let him have his space during this next week while he's away and let him think about his feelings and just have a good time...I think his waters run very deep and it'd be hard for him to let somebody new into his private world...he's doing this slowly and he'd have to be the most kindest, gentle and loving man to be around Ive ever met.

I guess we'll see how it all unfolds...if he's not ready Im sure he'll just keep his distance but I doubt thats going to happen coz we have way too much fun when we're together 🙂

leo-kitten Im not sure if he's had grief counselling and no, he doesnt come to me for that.....he has many friends who are supportive but of course he's going to be missing things he and her did at Xmas. He didnt even mention her to me, it was just a very quick and painless glimpse of her twice during a video. He avoided her family this year because he didnt want to go down that path again. He was avoiding going to certain places around certain people because as he said it "they ask how are you coping now, is everything ok" and he didnt want them to anymore, that he was doing ok" and he is and he chose being with me over anybody else in his life.

None of what I originally posted made me think or feel that he was in a lot of pain and using me to get through it, none of it.....he was like any other time we spend time together.

I just love the way we never run out of things to say to one another, the conversations run smoothly and there's just nothing awkward about being with him, not even that moment....If I were to have made a big deal, he'd have been left feeling awkward, had he made a big deal I'd have been left feeling awkward, but it wasnt like that at all. Its not like he watches the video week after week reminiscing over her...he had to go and find them - he searched through his collection in another room so Im pretty certain he didnt want to cause upset of any kind

"P-Angel I just want to help you understand why he showed the video and I dont think it was being sinister or anything like that"


I do understand why he showed you the video, as it being coupled with the removal of photos ..... I'm nearly certain that you don't fully understand though.

To speak of her isn't taboo, to have photos of her isn't taboo, for you to have all comprehension of her as being a part of his life isn't taboo.

so, there's no reason to take down her pictures, coupled with showing you this video .. except, in trying to give you a message.

Virgo's don't really work that way, Chatz .. they don't just arbitrarily, out-of-the-blue, make a change like this without it having a deeper meaning. You are just recognizing that he is now ready to heal, and completely disregarding that he is a Virgo, which = he's been trying to heal from day one of her death, and in this healing process of his Virgoness, he will keep her memory very close to him .. hence: her photos in the house for 2 years (and likely other articles, like clothing, keepsakes).

He isn't just going to one day be like .. ok, it's gone now. I'll take down the photos, I have Chatz now, so now it's finished.

He's a Virgo, lol ..... he can't just do that ^^^^^

In his Virgoness, he won't be confrontational about his feelings ... not with you, not with his passed-wife, not with any person to whom he is feeling deeply, Chatz. Instead, he will present to you this situation at hand in which he is ready to deal with, with you, by bringing to your focus, to your attention, so you'll address it.

In a nutshell, he took down those photos to get your attention. He doesn't want you or him, to just blow past them anylonger .. he's ready to confront this issue but because he's a Virgo, he cannot initiate this topic with you because it's in his nature to be concerned about your feelings ... so, he'll make a subtle suggestion.


In which he did do ..... he made a change revolving around his passed wife, a subtle on in which he knew you would take notice .. and you did.

He's ready for you to initiate this topic with him.

I can do that...do you have any suggestions on how I would do that? and what would it be that he wants me to initiate? me to ask about her? me to ask where are we headed? Im a Leo, I can do this stuff and I know nothing I bring up will upset him (unless I said it in a bad way of course)....He will never totally heal from her death, nobody expects that...that's life but Im not sure what you're saying here, i.e. what it is that I should bring up without causing him grief.

You're just going to have to trust me on this one ... I've lived with a Virgo for over 25 years, and I know how they work when it comes to addressing matters of their deepest feelings.

They won't confront this head-on, won't bring up this topic no matter how badly they might want to resolve it.

Instead, they will create a situation in which they've gained your attention regarding this situation, wanting you to approach it with them.

And during this time of head-time, hashing it over before bringing it to your attention ... he won't make any changes to stir up any thought or action that might lead up to you wanting to approach a situation .. he will keep everything even, steady, filed.

He has spent all this time keeping her even, steady, filed ... consistent. Now, he's made a change by taking down photos.

And that is a flag waving in front of you ..... I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready .. I made a change, which means I'm ready for closure.

so he wants a relationship? I have to initiate that?

I trust what you're saying....it confuses me as my brother's fiance is a Virgo and she and her first husband are divorced yet she kept his pictures hanging in her home, she continued to wear her engagement ring on her right hand. It didnt bother my brother as much as it bothered my mum.

They have since sold that house and he sold his and are building a new home together so of course none of those pictures will be hung. You see that is why my Virgo and his are soooo different. She divorced his, yet kept him in her life, yet his wife died and he's taking down her photos. She is also the one who initiated their relationship...she is the one who pursued and in although my Virgo pursued me until he had me and didnt know what to do with me..I had to initiate anything physical but once I did? OMG you cant stop him from being close and wanting me around LOL

His grief will always be, so nothing you can say or do will create more. When a Virgo heals from something, they don't fully let it go, however, they don't carry it around as baggage either .. they file it away, put a box around it, label it ... and it will always be there to remind them, should they chose to open it back up again.

so, nothing you say to him will cause him anymore grief than he's been living through for the past couple years.

I would suggest you asking him to tell you about her. Make a comfortable environment, relaxed, and tell him how dear he is to you and that you want for his happiness, and want to share with him all his joys and heartaches.

Tell me about her, Tony ... she was lovely. You deserved such a lovely person, you know *smiles*.

Prod, coax ... he won't let loose willingly, eventhough he is burning inside to release this ... you'll have to pull it out of him. But, once the gate opens, you better prepare yourself because Virgo's have a lot of depth, an intensity that is overwhelming during times like these.

He might even cry. 🙂 in front of you.

He will cry if I do that....he is deep thats for sure.

OK I will think about doing that over the next week but for now Im going to leave him be...I think he needs that while he's away. If he wants to communicate he will but like most men, he probably wont give me a moments thought LOL.

Im not sure if that will bring us closer or whether he'd pull away but you probably are right that he needs to talk about her to someone...may as well be me 😛 Afterall, who better to share this with than a friend he's had sex with LOL

I don't have a closed mind P-Angel but obviously I misunderstood you, that doesn't surprise me, I will never understand Pisces as long as I live. When you said he is waving a flag, I took you to mean "a red flag" as in "caution - don't go there." But it seems in fact you are encouraging the situation just as everyone else is, so that is good. I still don't agree with you that she should press him to talk about it, but what do I know, I'm only a poor Virgo and you are an all knowing Pisces. One thing I know for sure about Pisces is that they always want to talk about their emotions.

Athena

LOL at first I thought P-Angel was warning me about a "red flag" too but I read the post and re-read it and realised what she was saying, plus the next post helped me understand it.

Im giving Virgo his space for now. We've been spending quite a bit of time together of late that perhaps he just needs it and I could probably use the time alone too....its all going pretty fast and perhaps Im just seeing more into this "r/ship" than him....so time for me to back off for a while anyway and see how it goes and see if he contacts me while he's away. Will play it by ear or I'll just turn myself inside out wondering how he feels, yada yada.

Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it a lot 🙂

Pfffffft??_

You??ll take advice from the others for your OWN personal relationship..??

They are not you, you are not them, your lover/bf/object of interest.. or what ever is UNIQUE only to you..!

What advice..??

You are crazy??_ aren't you..??

Yes Qbone it would seem that I am the only person on this entire board that does look for some insight into how another/others might see my "unique" situation. I agree, it is unique and I am not them, they are not me....its funny though, I always thought this site was there for people to bounce ideas off one another and see things from others perspectives.

My mistake....I must be the only one so yes that must make me crazy...insane even....thank you for your ummmmm useful post though. It has given me so much to take on board.

Not all these advices are made with good intentions mind you.

Lots of retro and grudges.

Still trust them?

Like I said the Virgo of yours it is for and you only.

He has unique features that are available to you ONLY; he just wanted to share his past with you and YOU only!

What is behind it is very simple??_ sharing the past!

Of course not everybody is 100% genuine....Im not completely naive nor unintelligent...but sometimes it is good, as I said above, to bounce ideas off of and see things from others views...just like in "real life"

I will take others' ideas/suggestions/views on board and then make up my own mind - these days I take my time with making decisions and not quite as spontaneous as I used to be so I dont think there's any harm in me asking others?

thank you Qbone...you see THAT is exactly what I need to know...that kind of thing.

He wanted to make you prepared for what he has done earlier, is going to be available to you 10 folded, if you accept his invitation??_.

Is that difficult to understand..??

Not at all...he's made it quite clear he wants to go travelling with me and although last year he travelled extensively by himself he wants somebody to do it with next time.

OK I hear you loud and clear..thank you 🙂 I'll stop worrying and over-analyzing and wishing that he would say things in words but then again they say "actions speak louder than words"....ok ok already LOL

Thanks

If your love is genuine then you'll meet up with bravery not politics.

thank you 🙂