Trying to Understand

I??ve been seeing a recently divorced Virgo for about 6 months. He has significant trust issues (which I get considering his ex-wife left him for another man), that isn't our problem. He is hot and cold and at this point I'm at my wits end but don't wish to hurt him.

He is a Virgo and seems like a typical Virgo from what I can see from other posters. He has trouble showing/expressing emotion but he has told me he loves me and is usually (not always) affectionate when we are together. Here's the problem??_ he NEVER comes to see me, he has come to my place exactly one time in the 6-7 months of our courtship. If I don't go to see him, we would never see each other; however he will get annoyed if I don't visit or call him although he never comes to see me and rarely calls. He regularly goes out with his friends, but doesn't plan —dates?? or activities for us like most guys would in this stage of our dating (he did the first month but after that nothing). In late August, I just stopped all contact and since I am the only one initiating that means WE stopped communicating.

He calls me a month after this (about 2 weeks ago) to make general conversation and to ask why I stopped seeing him. He said he missed me ect. and for the next week everything was fine. The facts are:

1. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but is afraid.
2. He is loving (usually) when we are together, but doesn't initiate any contact
3. He WAITS for me to see him, appears to miss me when I do see him.
4. He talks about us in the future tense, but his actions are all wrong for someone trying to secure a future/relationship.

I??ve been nothing but loving, supportive, and uplifting, during this time but quite frankly I tired of being the only one trying. **Yes I??ve talked to him about this on several occasions, he always promises things will get better just give him time but they don't, just more of the same. Bottom line is, is this a Virgo going through the emotional throes of a painful divorce or a selfish jerk I need to leave alone?

He's being extra cautious and doesn't know how to deal with all of these emotions.

What is your sign? Aries?

I'm a Capricorn with a Virgo ascendant, which may explain the strong attraction I have towards him. I just don't understand him. I want to leave, I know I deserve better but I keep thinking what if he's being 100% honest? What if he's giving me what he can right now and just needs time to heal? I am torn apart over this man, I feel like I understand him intellectually but emotionally he makes me crazy.

I asked him the other day if he was linked to any other females. He assured me I was the only was he was sexually involved with and —the only one he is sharing his feelings with (whatever the hell that means),?? but he couldn't tell me I was the only one he was dating, courting, ect. He fumbled for the right words and I realized he didn't want to lie to me but he didn't want to hurt me either, but he expects complete monogamy from me.

He's not hot, he's mostly COLD, if you desire to be stuck doing all the work then stay but if you want a reciprocal relationship, one were he's matching in his actions and words then leave, this guy isn't interested in investing any emotional effort with you...

You have been nothing but loving, supportive, and uplifting and he's been distant emotionally and physically, he's making ZERO effort to come and see you, he rarely calls, he makes time for friends but makes ZERO effort to make plans with you, you stopped all contact and he stopped too, he finally gives in after weeks of no contact, only to PROJECT his lack of commitment by saying why did you stop seeing me, well he dumped you a long time a go only to project onto you what he's been doing all along (mind games), he says he misses you but goes right back into his lazy patterns and basically his actions don't match up to his words, If it were me I would because your the only one trying and you have talked to him about yet the habitual patterns persist.

IMO It's not so much about what he's going through b/c he's still making time for friends and activities, it's about how his behavior makes you FEEL, if he's not making you feel wanted in a way that satisfies you then you have to do what's best for you and leave, if you choose to wait then you must come to terms with his behavior, it has to be a level of acceptance that it's going to be the way it is ALWAYS, nope it's not going to change, once you begin enabling bad behavior (behavior you don't want or like) it will only persist....Do yourself a favor and find a man that's ALL IN like yourself, a man that doesn't mind giving as much as you give. He's being neglectful by being passive aggressive with you, that is not a good sign, that is a huge red flag. He's recently divorced most likely not interested in getting back into something so full on with a woman, either minimize your expectations or move on.

Oh and remember there are 2 sides to every story, yes his ex-wife may have left him for another man but there is no way you can know the why's and the what for's of that relationship, if he's misbehaving with you through these passive aggressive manuevers than most likely he was doing the exact same thing with her and she like you chose to stick around hoping for change...until you can verify the facts I wouldn't jump to any solid conclusions.

How are you supposed to have a REAL relationship with a man that makes ZERO effort, rarely calls, makes no effort to be intimate which is a huge sign that he's getting his needs met somewhere else thus when he gets with you he's pretty laid back and non-responsive. How? There is no way to make something work if your the only one interested in making it work.

Use your brain, put all that love stuff aside and use some objectivity, being torn over a man that expects monogamy from a woman he hardly makes any effort for is ridiculous, don't let him bulldoze you over with his wants, you are human, you have needs and there is nothing wrong with saying this is about me too, yet if you ENABLE his behavior by giving him everything and getting hardly nothing in return then you are telling him that it's all about him and he will continue to covertly subtly make it about him as well, he already gave you a plate of word salad about being linked to other women and now he expects monogamy and I suppose you want to give him that too which is MORE than he's giving you, not only are you giving him love, support, and uplifting encouragement now he gets monogamy too, do you see he's given you nothing but he keeps expecting and adding on to the list of what he needs from you....talk about lopsided luxury, he's getting the luxury of having you without actually putting in zero effort. Why would he want you if he can have you without any effort? He's treating you very casual....I would leave and that is just ME...you have to decide you are worth more than ZERO effort, only you can decide

Oh boy... well I am afraid based on the amounting effort you have put, which is odd for a Capricorn he really should meet you half way.

You are a prize to be had and he is not taking you seriously...

Yes Cajunspirit — this is definitely not typical Capricorn behavior. It takes a lot to win a Capricorn??s heart but once you do watch out, because you will not have a more loving and loyal partner. Unfortunately, many don't see this because we are so darn picky and many lack the patience we require. I am normally the distant one and have been called —cold?? on many occasions. The extent of my behavior should demonstrate how crazy I was (and to be honest still am) about this guy. I have never felt a stronger connection in my life, it was immediate and actually scared me because that's never happened to me before. However, I am beginning to think that I am most attracted to the challenge of him. I'm used to men coming after ME, I??ve never had to chase ANYONE and us cappys love a challenge.

Tiki33 — Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Everything you said I already knew but seeing it from someone else in such a clear, well written way helped me take off the rose colored glasses. I see how absolutely ridiculous I have been and am a little ashamed at the way I allowed this man to treat me. Its funny, in the beginning I felt bad for him because I could see how broken he was after his wife left. I couldn't understand what would cause a woman to move out and leave after only two years of marriage (they were together a total of 13 years married only for 2, but lived together for about 10), but after the emotional roller coaster he has put me on I understand why.

He is incredibly charming and he does talk a good one, but all he does is talk. To his credit he did get better with the phone after I spoke to him about it, but you nailed it!! My biggest fear was if I continue to enable this type of behavior, then this is the tone I??ve set if a relationship was to be established and this isn't what I want or deserve. He says he knows I deserve better and doesn't want to lose me, he has even told me I have all the qualities he wants in a person and has flat out told me that he thinks I'm going to —be his wife?? (he wants to get married again, his parents are still happily married and he wants the same). The funny thing is I KNOW he cares about me (I can tell when I'm with him) but for whatever reason he's unable or unwilling to match his words and his actions.

I cut ties with him this past Monday via email. Yes I know I should have told him in person but I knew that if I had to see him face to face I wouldn't be able to do it. He emailed me back saying he loves me and doesn't want to lose me blah blah blah. I responded that despite his feelings for me he is clearly not ready for me at this time and I am moving on. I also dropped him off my facebook account to ensure he understood I meant it. It gets easier with each passing day but I miss him soooo much and wonder if I made the right decision. Seeing your response helped solidify my belief that I did.

Thanks so much you guys have been great in helping my broken heart heal.