Wanderings

Something I wrote a while back.


The Aimless Wanderings Wind Blown Leaves
By dofacc

It has occurred to me that I personally have virtually no physical connections to the world around me. There is my daughter, but she is pushing me to do more and more on Face Book, rather than in person. No need to actually be in her personal space when I can be in her virtual space instead, don't you see.
I had a —vision?? of myself as a dried up leaf that had fallen to the ground. I was just lying there, waiting for a wind to come along and whirl me off to no one knows where. It was a very curious view of myself, and of the world. I am in many ways the most free that I have ever been in my life. What do I do with that freedom? Where shall I go, what shall I do? Not being tied to others and certain places is something I experienced as a young man, but I am much different now. What does it all mean, if anything?
I tell you, it was a very strange sensation, this sense of disconnectedness. Not necessarily bad, but very strange.....
I have been walking down a street and seen another man, about my age, coming the other way. He had a small bag in his hand, just like me. It may have contained a few groceries, maybe something else, just like me. He also was by himself, just like me. He also has that air of disconnectedness, just like me. We glanced at each other as we passed. We each understood in our own way. We had served our purpose, and now we are just the dried up leaves of days gone past.
In speaking to one of my sisters, I gained some insight into why we are this way. She is very close to my age. She has been single for some years. I asked her why she hadn't developed another personal relationship. Her response was that as she no longer had a —biological?? need to have children, she had no real need or interest in a man. She has her children, and hopefully soon, grandchildren. She has her friends, and her work to fill her life. Really, what role would a man have in her life? Just someone else to have to accommodate, someone else with problems she would have to listen to, just someone else making demands on her and her time. Why bother?
It seems that a surprising number of the opposite sex that are of my age have the same feelings. Really, why bother?

I once had a home, a family, a spouse, a connection. My spouse grew sick of me and drove me off. She did so by a steady stream of criticisms, small digs, and general spitefulness. I watched our marriage die the Death of a Thousand Cuts. Each jab, each nick, each slice expertly applied. Each applied with the expertise that can only be learned from intimate contact with another person over decades of time. The expertise of knowing another persons deepest pain, their saddest moments, and their most guarded fears. Each of these painful points exploited to their fullest possibility. Go away, we don't need you any more, we don't want you any more. Just blow away in the wind, and be gone.
And so I, and others like me, drift from place to place, not connected, not tied to anything, looking, hoping, for something to hang onto, but there is nothing. We are only we old dried leaves, swirling in the wind.


A Different View of Blowing Leaves
A response from dofacc??s ex

A man is really nothing more than a turkey baster with an attitude. Then the time comes when you are no longer interested in making any more turkeys, and you don't need a turkey baster any more. The attitude remains though, and really, who needs that? So you just throw the damn thing out.