got caught in a little lie with my aqua bf...

Ok, so I need a little advice from you all! I have been going strong with my aqua bf for the last 4 months, it took us about a year to get involved seriously- but we've been very happy- he's been absolutely amazing and I think our feelings for each other are mutual. It's starting to feel a lot like love🙂 Ok, so here's where it gets sticky...aqua man liked a girl over the summer. She was a friend of his friends, she's more like a guy- total tomboy, hangs out- obsessed with sports like he is...etc...well, he was over that crush in about a week. But during that time, I found out about her. So, now we're exclusive, met his family- yada yada...but I did something really horrible and peeked through his phone. WEll, I saw she was texting him constantly, yet he hasn't mentioned her to me the whole time we've been together. I have introduced him to practically every male friend I have, and if he hasn't met them, I've offered information about my guy friends to him and talk about them often. He is not the jealous type, and doesn't seem to care if I have male friends, but he's also told me he has no doubts about my loyalty to him. Well, he never knew about me looking through his phone, but he took her to a hockey game and failed to mention it to me (when I asked who he was going with he said one of his guy friends)...then, he told me later that night he went with the girl. BUt didn't think it was a big deal because he only thinks of her as a friend. Now, I believe he only thinks of her as a friend, but obviously it's the principal that this "friend" doesn't know ANYTHING about me from his mouth (she only knows he's seeing someone by word of mouth through his other guy friends)...and I felt hurt that he would take her out knowing how I felt about her without introducing me to her, or preparing me mentally to accept that fact that they are still friends before hanging out with a girl he used to have feelings for. So, I addressed it with him, NOT calmly at all, but freaked out basically that he lied to me earlier in the day. He felt horrible and told me he thought I would get upset because of what I knew about their past. Up until now, we haven't had many jealousy issues mind you.

So, he agreed he wouldn't spend time with her until we all hung out together and says he wants me to meet her. I said that was cool. So for two weeks, we've been goign strong, had an amzing holiday so far...and I truly feel like he's falling for me and I'm falling for him.

So, this morning...I was leaving his house. I know I still have some trust issues because he lied, and not to mention my last bf cheated on me. So, I'm trying to deal with it, and felt I've been improving on it...but the temptation just hit me when the phone was sitting on the chair. I looked at it to see how much communication this girl was engaging in with my bf...(I trust her less than him, i know i sound crazy) So- I didn't see much...he's been very short with her since the whole incident a few weeks ago. Of course, I todl myself I felt ok and would never look at his phone again. Well, apparently, the screen on his flip phone does not go away when you close the phone. So when he opened his phone, he saw his sent messages folder OPEN, and scrolled down to the middle. He sent me a text today saying "so you felt you had to look through my phone..." I feel horrible. I feel ashamed, and totally guilty and like I broke his trust. Now, even as friends we did have a few trust issues come up...but as girl friend and boyfriend, other than the one incident when he lied to me, there's been nothing. I feel I've hurt him and I think this is goign to change how he views our relationship. I told him I didn't look at his phone, and he said "ok, well i just thought it was wierd.." but he's not stupid and I'm pretty sure he knows that I was lying. What do I do?? PLease help me? Did I ruin everything with my aqua? I know he wont' bring it up again, but I'm pretty sure Ive lost some credibility with him, I think he feels like I betrayed his trust. Should I come clean or will that make things worse?

I really think coming clean would be the best option, and explaining the reasons for my actions...even though they were wrong. He has finals this week and is extremely stressed, so I might have to wait until his exams are over...my girl friend told me no way, not to say anything. I think it's worse to pretend I didn't do something when it's obvious that I did. PLEASE AQUAS>...what woudl you do in these circumstances if your significant other pulled this crap? I think due to some of the issues with the girl, and the major fight we were in because of her two weeks ago, he might understand why i did what I did...but if I ignore it, he might just feel he can NEVER trust me around his phone, or wonder what else I might be lying about it!

he's lied to you once ...you've lied to him now = both of you're human.

Do what you think is best for you and a clear conscience at a convenient time at your discretion. I don't see his Aquaness as the issue > talk to him about your doubts, fears, blah - it's still early days in the relationship - getting to know you stage in my opinion.

Better early than later when the relationship's older I think.

Good luck.

Thanks...I do feel horrible and I don't think I can live with knowing that he feels betrayed and lied to...so I'm goin to have to come clean. I guess part of it is me having to admit I did something wrong, which Ive never been too good at doing.

after his exams is a good call on your part though 😉

of course you can live - you can live with me ! muhahahahaha

hmmmm...LK! now i'm totally confused. Well, if I play it totally cool and act like nothing really happened, it could make me look less guilty right? think there is a chance he might just think he's losing it and it's possible his phone was just messed up—? Here's the thing, I gave him hell about that night. He said he would turn things around, and I believe he will try. I also made myself out to be Ms. Honest who would NEVER lie to him...yeah, that worked out real well for me! LK, you're an attorney right? He's in law school, goign for patent law...does that make any difference? Don't you think he'd appreciate the honesty? Also, i think it will make me look like the better person for fessing up, because in the past (when we were just friendS) he lied about a couple of things and didn't come clean for a LOOOOONG time, until I basically forced the truth out of him...

I've tended to make myself out to be a very honest person to him...this behavior does not reflect honesty...

But, if I do tell him the truth...you're right...he will probably think from now on he has every reason to lie to me because I might "over react"...

you really gotta do what you can live with

I think it's hard for me to live with the fact that deep down, he's thinking "liar" when he looks at me from now on.

the best thing is you don't know what he's thinking deep down...you only know what you're thinking deep down...

oh...and watch his ass like a hawk.
why get in this stage in a relationship that's supposed to be fun where you let your guards down...you play investigator?
*shrugs*

LK...you rock. Seriously. He did screw up big time...I did tell him that it basically looked like a "date"...and I agreed to be ok with their "friendship" but also explained that he put himself in this position in the first place, and he created the mess- so it was up to him to fix it if their friendship was so important to him. I think I'm just surprised that he actually confronted me about it at all...he's extremely non-confrontational and I can't believe he tried to call me out on it. I'm seriously shocked.

I guess I always thought that aquas didn't forgive people once they betrayed their trust...so I figured it would be hard for him to forgive me. But, maybe he does need to realize that he's being kept in check.

I would just like to say, that he has taken this girl to many hockey games because they are both extreme hockey and football fans...she knows stats about players...she's basically a dude...she hangs out with all of his guy friends on a frequent basis...and they've been friends for years...this was not uncommon for him to hang out with her at a sports event...BUT, it was wrong because he knew I would feel uncomfortable with it as I have not MET her yet. It's a friend that he didn't knwo how to introduce to me because he thought I would be insecure about their friendship because she used to like him and he liked her. I don't believe he would spend 4 nights out of the week with me if he didn't feel strongly about me- so I wouldn't go so far to say we're in an unhappy relationship. I feel like we're fallign in love. I'm the first girl he's brought home in 5 years...so I'd say we're in a pretty significant place with eachother...but as he has not had a girl friend since high school (he's 24 and i'm 29)...I think he does not quite understand the dating etiquette at times...but he is learning. And Now he knows he is not to have "girl friends" unless he feels like including his realy girlfriend in the mix somehow!

And I'm sorry LK, but would you hold it against someone for having feelings for someone before they had feelings for you? Doesn't make much sense...we dated on and off for a year...this summer, from about June until September, we stepped back and stayed friends...got to knwo eachother as strictly friends. He admitted to me in the beginning of June that he was curious about this girl but told me he didn't feel that way a week later and that he realized they were better off as friends. Nothing ever happend between them- but they explored the possibility by talking about it and realized it wasn't for them. I have known him for 2 years, and over that time had other crushes and dated other people...I would hope he wouldn't hold that against me either jsut becuase I may have liked someone else since I've known him.

^^^ good perspectives - more options to weigh...

Leave his Aquaness out of the picture really - you'll continue to shoot yourself in the foot and go round in circles otherwise - he's just a guy - never forget 🙂

you're right, she may still have feelings for him, but I know that he doesn't have feelings for her because he is committing his time and energy into our relationship. I'm giving him a chance to introduce me to her and he himself said he would like for me to meet her and hang out with her, now, if he avoids that situation from happening altogether in the future than that would tell me she's not a true "friend"...but if he makes it happen, then I know he's not hiding anything.

My take on it is this, snoop and look and you will find what your looking for, stop the snooping and trust him, if you can't trust him and have to snoop than no matter what you say, the relationship is not that great, you 2 are dating and if you don't get some confidence really really fast, your going to make HER look much more appealing and you 2 will be headed for dumpedville real soon, just allow him the space to do what's right. You have to understand there will be women before you in any relationship and most likely friends that have huge crushes with another and relationships that never got off the ground with feelings behind it etc, it's NOTHING, if it was something he would be with her. Snooping is very unattractive, trust him or don't trust him, if you don't trust him then date other men until he figures out what he really wants with you

When I asked him, "who are you going to the game with" at 2 in the afternoon, he said one of his guy friends names. Right after the game ended, he met me out for a drink and said "oh, btw, I went to the game with THE GIRL"..I then asked him why he ddint' tell me earlier and he said he found out later she was coming and didn't think it was a big deal...later when I questioned him again he admitted that he knew earlier but thoguht I might have a problem with it...but he did tell me after the fact that they went to the game. Of course, I wasn't goign to be comfortable with it, but it's not like he lied and I caught him in a lie a week later...the moment left the game, he told me he went with her.

Now you are putting him in this akward space of meeting this woman who used to have a crush on him and vice versa, controlling and snooping, yep, you 2 will be breaking up real soon, Aqua men aren't going to deal with that for too long

the way I see it, if he senses your distrust, he will hide more - logical - I do it, started from my own parents...

And if you sense his distrust, you hide more 🙂

but tiki....agree she should not fess up?

Nah I wouldn't even make that an issue lol, I have done it when I was younger and I would just not even address it, just avoided the conversation all together, it's pointless and it will just escalate and become bigger and bigger...just don't even text him on that issue, he know why you did it, so there isn't much to talk about in regards to that issue

yeah, tiki...it's totally unattractive to snoop...and at this point I don't want to play games...I don't want it to be about who's got the upperhand or not...I'm disappointed that I looked, because I know he would never look at my phone. He trusts me, he always has. I don't even fear there is something going on with this girl, I think I wanted to know that he respected our relationship enough to communicate LESS with her after what happened a few weeks ago. But I can't control that and I realize that...but now what? Do I just tell him the truth and then try and move on from this crap?

why does it bother you so much? why's it an issue now?

this is why some men lie, men would much rather just lie than to have to go into this back and forth issue about this girl that is NOBODY, if he told you then you would not be happy and even after he told you, you still wasn't happy. He's created this obstacle of mistrust, he's trustworthy but he's making it seem as though he's not, now your snooping and this is his OUT CLAUSE, his way out of the relationship, Aqua's tend to have commitment issues...if you want him then let that BS go, dont' even react to it, it will take care of itself if you back off

Your making her important by focusing on her and your making her important by snooping around thus your making her seem like the better prospect, your making her cool points go up, your making her much more attractive by FOCUSING on him and her...just let it go, he's with you...period

All you can do now is be confident, tell him that your cool, no longer discuss it and keep moving forward, if you feel it's a huge deal then ease up on moving forward with him, meaning slow down

No don't tell him anything, no talking about it, let your actions speak for you, remind yourself that you have him, put on your alpha female cloak and stay focused, this will pass if you let it...if he brings it up, be honest and tell him that your okay, you trust things will be okay and then enjoy your time with your man

"this is why some men lie, men would much rather just lie than to have to go into this back and forth issue about this girl that is NOBODY"

And this is not a sign issue, this is a man issue. Typically speaking, men take the path of least resistance. Example, me and my ex-fiance' are still friends. He got married, but we go to lunch occassionally, and we talk sometimes on the phone. One of my girlfriends asked, "What do you think his wife thinks about you talking/seeing him?" I said, "he won't tell her, because it will be a HUGE issue for absolutely no reason, then he will have to answer a whole bunch of questions and she will begin to distrust him. We are FRIENDS, and will always be. I don't want him, he doesn't want me. The end." My girlfriend didn't understand that and thought it was bad. It doesn't matter, men are going to do what they want to do, and they will take the easy way. Women, typically, tell all of their business to men,and then wonder why they have problems sometimes. I've seen it and lived it. If you are looking through somebody's stuff (phone, whatever) it means you don't trust them; if you don't trust, you can NOT have a healthy relationship. I'm speaking from experience.

Also, I have a lot of male friends, and they tell their women if they are going places with me. Some of their women have problems with it, but the vast majority don't because they know that me and most of these men, have been friends for years. Them being in a relationship, or me being in relationship is not going to change anything. My partners have had female friends, and I could care less, and a few of them even had intimate relationships with a few of them in the past (I have too with a couple of my male friends), but that doesn't have anything to do with me and that persons relationship, because my feeling is, if he/me were supposed to be with these other people, then we would be with them. If someone is going to cheat on you, they are going to cheat. It really is that simple...imo.

ok, but i find it hard to believe that any of you would actually feel it's alright and acceptable for your significant other to have a girl Friend who does NOT know about your relationship! This was the problem. I don't have a problem with female friends, but how serious of a friendship could it be if my aqua hasn't told her about his girlfriend! He said he didn't feel a need because it has never come up, and he knows she already knows about us through his friends...but I still feel that I can only feel comfortable with their friendship if she knew he was with someone! I don't think that's an unfair request. I don't expect him to call and notify EVERYONE in his phonebook that he is no longer single...and we know aquas don't run around with a sign saying "i'm in a relationship" but respecting the relationship is not an unfair request. ANyuways, update

thank you all for your advice...I know that the best way to push someone away is by acting immature and being jealous...I realize it was a mistake. I fessed up and talked to him last night. WE sat down on the floor, put our foreheads close together and talked. He was extremely calm about the situation, and the first thing I did was apologize for lying and looking at his phone. I did not Dwell on why I did it, or about the girl. I simply said, I must have still been feeling upset that he lied about her, and I that I do trust him...and that I don't have a problem with them being friends...but that I was curious about her and that's all. HE said I could have just asked him if I wanted to see his texts or about her...I apologized, and he asked me if now that I saw there was nothing incriminating in my phone if I was sufficiently satisfied and I said yes. HE said, ok it's over then- lets move on. IT was matter of fact, the conversation lasted maybe 5 minutes...and I will not dwell on it again. All I can do is hope that he doesn't fear telling me things from here on out, and hope I get the chance to show him I can act like a grown up about this. I could have left it alone, but he knew I looked and I didn't want to lie to his face about it...

You say your not comfortable unless she knows but she does already know, she doesn't care and why should she care? Knowing you isn't going to make her care, you honestly believe if she meets you face to face that SUDDENLY she cares, they will still be friends and he will still do what he's been doing, his life isn't your life, you are not married, he's going to REBEL and do what he wants if you don't find a way to deal with it on your own, you don't want to have a rebellious Aqua on your hands, it sucks and honestly the damage is done, his pride is wounded and he's not going to share anything else with you, I can promise you that men are like that, once they see you can't deal with certain situations they just go out there way to make sure you don't know about a certain situation so he doesn't have to deal with your insecurities. I honestly feel that it's acceptable him hanging out with old friends, would I like it probably not, would I like the fact that he felt he had to keep it from me, probably not but I feel I would have dealt with it differently before it escalated into me snooping into his phone, your curiosity/snooping means your not saying how you feel when things come up and thus you cause more problems for yourself.

"got caught in a little lie with my aqua bf..."

Oh Hell no! Now, you'll be lieing about everything. or is that just the woman in me instead of the aqua?

take it from me...don't let him know you looked through his phone. it will kill your relationship...trust me.

I agree! Aqua guy I got rid of would tell me stories about how he would drop girls like a fly over the littlest stuff! And lieing was not tolerable!

More like he got caught in a little white lie.

He's hanging out with his ex behind your back.

I'd dump him in a second.

sometimes we are all guilty of jealousy, possessiveness...basically because we are insecure

we don't own anyone else but ourselves...and love is not a zero sum game, you think just because he has a relationship with his ex, he doesn't have room for you...that is what you are afraid of no?