oh, you aries. advice sought.

so, was in a relationship with an aries. i took care of him for two weeks during christmas and new years when he was seriously ill. we bonded, but we also fought. he still isn't feeling well and got grouchy and was hard to communicate with...it seemed everything i said rubbed him the wrong way, even when i tried to be sweet. anyway -

he disappeared for three days.
i sent two positive emails, indicating in the second one i would like a response.
he called but didn't mention the emails, just told me that he thought a lot about our relationship, and said things about me that bothered him (that we fought, etc) and that he wanted to meet for dinner this week (he called sunday night) and that we should talk the next day.
it is wednesday and he hasn't called.

normally i would just move on, but he didn't say we were breaking up, just that we should have dinner and talk about some things...and the fact that we were/are in a relationship - i feel that someone needs to actually say "i'm breaking up with you" in order to move along.... i feel that right now i'm stuck.

i had it in my mind to say when he called to discuss dinner plans that we don't need to go to dinner in order to break up....(but put in a nicer way) and then wish him well, etc. or then go to dinner if he wanted to continue....

bottom line: i don't want to end it with this guy even though there were things along the way that i felt i couldn't live with (but he's a great guy so i had patience).

do i call or text him or do i wait until he comes to me? what's the best way to handle this situation? as a cap i usually want to lead but i know he likes to, and if he's still thinking about things then i don't want to contact him prematurely. it's all so very confusing to me.

thank you, arianpride and love_365.

ok, so i will wait. if he doesn't contact me in another week, i'm sure i'll be asking then how long i am supposed to give him until i shut it down myself.

also, arianpride, ignoring him doesn't mean ignoring him in the sense that if he calls that i should ignore him, or does it? i'm not good at ignoring (i think it's rude) and i thought aries hated to be ignored and will run if they are.... just wondering.

thank you so much for the feedback. xoj

Hey Cappie...

I agree with ArianPride, don't you DARE call, text, e-mail, write a letter or so much as send smoke signals right now. Aries can't STAND being ignored. If you do any of these things right now, he will see he does have the upper hand in the relationship and will probably loose a little respect for you. Aries love a challenge, especially when someone doesn't put up with their crap and doesn't chase them like they want. Chase too much and well, it gets boring, the more you don't chase the more we can't stand it. I think I'm rambling.

Now, when and if he does call, no, don't ignore, go ahead and have a conversation - say what you want, hold nothing back. If he wonders why he hasn't heard from you, tell him, it was he who was suppose to call!

Quiet honestly, it IS time for you to focus on you -you deserve some relaxation and some well deserved attention. If he can't give you what you want - it may be time to move on. I know, not what you want to hear. Being with someone you really like shouldn't be so hard, ya know? In the end, follow what your woman's intuition is telling you.

thank you, love_365... so was your hint about aries men for me to take care of myself? if it was...i am doing that...when he didn't call monday i snapped out of the heartbreak and fog and went back to what makes me, me. working out, walking in the park, socializing, making art, writing, etc....and i am feeling back to myself slowly but surely. if you have another hint or i just didn't "get" what you were saying, let me know! 🙂

RUN! sigh. oh how i've missed you. i so appreciated your advice in the early stages of this relationship. thanks for chiming in. my thoughts exactly - it shouldn't be this hard.... i was just patient with him because he was sick...and before that, i was patient with him because he is 50 and never been married. i just seemed to lose myself when he got sick because that's what i tend to do when the going gets tough - sacrifice for others and ignore my own needs. i'm getting back to me and not focusing on the fact that he's not calling so much...and when i do, i follow that thought with "if he's my someone then he'll realize what he's losing. if not, there's someone out there who won't let me go."

thanks a heap. xoj

If i were you i would ignore him, and whe he calls, dont answer on the first ring! I would make him call you at least 3x. Than have your conversation with him... 😉

wrong all wrong im an aries the ignore thing could be bad but at the same time dont go out of ur way to get to dinner be alil late even if its watchin him go in to a place (if ur goin out to eat ) be like 5 mins late

thanks, canceriangoddess. i love your contributions on this site.... i never answer on first ring. i figured i'd let it go to voicemail and then call him back. i'm very busy, you know. 😉

thanks, ceribdis. yay, finally, an aries male's opinion. i don't plan to ignore, but just let him know i'm busy and have my own life without him...and am not at his beck and call.... so the plan is to wait it out...sound like the best idea to you?

when i think back on it, that's how he fell for me in the first place...i have my own life and i let him chase me...

thanks a bunch. anything else that can help, please let me know...

Awwwww Cappiebelle, Thanks. Your a sweetheart. Anything i can do to help!

ty for the aries man opinion thing

there ya go aries like the chase so let it begin but dont go so far as to play and real games like head games just be blunt and honest about hey i have a life you either in it or not kinda thing but dont do the ultamatim thiong aries dont kare for tho's

good luck let me aand my cancer goddes know how it goes . . . . .

thanks, cerebdis...duly noted, and i will certainly let you and your lovely miss cg know. 🙂

.sb....thank you. i was wondering if i was the only one who felt that way. again...he's 50, never married and his relationships never ended due to just needing to move on, there were issues.

...oh well. i'm moving on without him, and i guess i'll deal with him when or if he ever contacts me. thanks again! xoj

Hey Cappie -

You're doing the right thing. You really aren't playing games either, you're just, well, not putting up with crap and moving on with your life. If he wants to be in it, he will, if he doesn't, then....that's HIS loss and it wasn't meant to be. You've done plenyt, being a Cap and all - give give give. Part of that giving is what Caps do, but I think more of it is what women in general do: put others before themselves, loose their identity in the relationship, put their wants and needs on the back burner - no more of that - it should be give and take - not onesided.

I'm guilty of doing that - I think we all are. As we get older, it just gets easier to recognize and not do it so much (the giving and getting nothing in return stuff).

Smile, hold your head up high and move on - there's someone out there who's gonna find you and REALLY sweep you off your feet!!

this doesn't sound like it's going anywhere good (i'm very sorry cappiebelle). even if you do meet him for dinner i doubt it will be good information. he's acting like a shit. if you go to dinner with him (which i personally wouldn't) you can call him out on his bad behavior or not. he's aware of what he's doing and he's doing it on purpose because:

1. maybe you'll get fired up enough to break it off so he doesn't have to
2. he feels guilty that he's hurting your feelings so he's acting like an ass so you can hate him and it's his fault
3. he's a pussy
4. or all the above

Posted by Run262
Hey Cappie -

You're doing the right thing. You really aren't playing games either, you're just, well, not putting up with crap and moving on with your life. If he wants to be in it, he will, if he doesn't, then....that's HIS loss and it wasn't meant to be. You've done plenyt, being a Cap and all - give give give. Part of that giving is what Caps do, but I think more of it is what women in general do: put others before themselves, loose their identity in the relationship, put their wants and needs on the back burner - no more of that - it should be give and take - not onesided.

I'm guilty of doing that - I think we all are. As we get older, it just gets easier to recognize and not do it so much (the giving and getting nothing in return stuff).

Smile, hold your head up high and move on - there's someone out there who's gonna find you and REALLY sweep you off your feet!!

thank you, run..... i agree - women in general do put others before themselves....why do you think the airlines came up with the rule "administer oxygen to yourself before helping others"? ...true story.

thank you. he is by far the most together and moral man i've ever dated, and he has the greatest friends. it's just sad to see another one bite the dust. sigh.

Posted by i love ewe
this doesn't sound like it's going anywhere good (i'm very sorry cappiebelle). even if you do meet him for dinner i doubt it will be good information. he's acting like a shit. if you go to dinner with him (which i personally wouldn't) you can call him out on his bad behavior or not. he's aware of what he's doing and he's doing it on purpose because:

1. maybe you'll get fired up enough to break it off so he doesn't have to
2. he feels guilty that he's hurting your feelings so he's acting like an ass so you can hate him and it's his fault
3. he's a pussy
4. or all the above

thank you, ewe. i appreciate candor, i really do. ....he is aware of what he's doing....it's sad. i would have NEVER figured him for an arsehole. i was entering the picture months after he broke it off with the last one and he was so nice, so kind to her and i thought "what a kind-hearted man to be that way to his ex"....

thank you for your input, Ovi. he's an aries with a sag moon like you (i believe, from other postings) so i would guess you'd have more insight than most....

thank you, love_365. it's not a cycle for me that another one bites the dust.... i meant in general terms of aries and cappy relationships. i really don't get involved with men without thinking it will go somewhere...i hate wasting time. i think all of my relationships except one were successful, even when it doesn't last... i generally get along with everyone, hold my own, rarely argue, etc. just with this aries....he was so crabby and judgmental yet never saw how his vibe totally affected everyone around him...but he was more together (friends, business, etc) so i chose to see the good/the great/the phenomenal in him....i do that for everyone. 🙂 but i hear what you are saying, and .... it shouldn't have to be this hard. i am a firm believer of following the path of least resistance.

i'm giving it the weekend (my birthday is sunday 17th and he is aware) and then i feel maybe monday/tuesday i should end it...it feels weird, this non-ending things...but if i let it go without saying it's over, what are the pros of that if any? if anyone chooses to read this and disagree, please speak up. i so appreciate everyone's input thus far - you aries rock. xoj

OH! i almost forgot -

i have something valuable of his, and he has two things of value to me. i chastise myself for this because he kept asking me to leave clothes/hair care/makeup at his house but i didn't want to do that so early in the relationship... i suppose i have to contact him at some point and ask him to mail/swap the items....i have no desire to see him for this sort of thing. i really don't want to even contact him for that but those two things - one was a necklace my deceased grandmother gave me and one is a vintage hair accessory from my mother with whom i no longer have a relationship...

thanks so much xoj

Hey - wishing you an early happy birthday!...my little cap turned 7 yesterday!

As far as your stuff...yuck. You're gonna have to contact him and get the stuff back. Wait until after your birthday and then do it - don't ruin your day!

All this stuff - I know, it's tough.

well, thank you Run, and happy birthday to your little cappy! 🙂

i just wish he'd cowboy up and call so that i don't have to, but apparently i am going to have to grow a pair.

thank you for your candor, Mr. Nice. it's just so weird that it went down in flames so fast....and with someone who seemed so stand-up.

ok...so...update:

he texts friday night (last night), asking how my week was. i waited an hour and replied that it was great, how was yours.... then no response from him.

this morning (saturday) he calls to say he is in the city (i live in nyc, he doesn't), do i need some help moving christmas decorations back to storage (he helped me get them at the beginning of december and i always joked with him that i wouldn't break up with him until after we take the stuff back to storage (he has a vehicle, i don't). i stammered...he asked if i wanted to call him back with an answer and i said yes.... well he ended up calling me an hour later because i didn't call him - i was still trying to decide....so anyway, the gist of it is, he helped me take stuff back to storage, we kept the conversation light but i kept it minimal (he asked all kinds of questions like what did i do this week, what am i doing for my birthday, etc). then he asked if we could do dinner this week (if you remember THIS is why i posted this thread in the first place), and i said i'd check my schedule.

so i was thinking....i'm going to stick with my plan of getting this sorted out next week regardless. i still do feel something for him, and i miss him, but i need to be with someone who wants me and who won't let me go.

so....i'll be back with any updates, but thanks to all for advice and comfort this last week. 🙂 i won't let this one immature aries cloud my love for other rams; you peeps are fab. 🙂

xoj

UPDATE:

had dinner with aries last night, and ended up talking for four hours..... he didn't want to break up, never wanted to.... he said he just needed time to think about things and get back to feeling normal after his surgery. i told him everything i was thinking/feeling, even that i thought he acted like an arse and if he needed time he should have communicated that to me properly instead of leaving me hanging. he apologized.... we cleared some things up.

the status is, we are going to continue to date, but slowly, more slowly than we did in the beginning, to see if we can communicate better or if it will just be one of those romances that was great while it lasted.... who knows.

anyway, just thought i'd update the latest in case other aries/cap matches read this thread for help in the future, and to thank everyone once again for all the input, advice and comments thus far.

xoj

Awwwwwwwww yay!

stand your ground and stick up for yourself. You took care of him when he was sick, so you don't deserve this type of treatment. And it takes two to fight, so he needs to look at his input in the arguments the two-of-you have. If you don't set up your boundaries with a guy, he will think that this is acceptable behavior. Men don't think like women do. IF you point it out to them, then that's when they think about what they have done.

I think the best way to deal with anything is with complete honesty. Write him a letter, or an e-mail and tell him how you feel, what you see wrong, and what you want to achieve. Tell him that you don't deserve second best to anything, and that if he's not willing to meet you half way, then you can't make things work. As hard as it may seem, sometimes if people can't meet you half way, then it's better to let them go. Don't give, give, give, because they will take, take, take. It's not a astro sign thing, it's a human nature thing. And if a guy doesn't have to work for something, then why would he want to work towards something.

The bottom line is, you need to set up your boundaries, not only so he won't cross them, but that you set up a limit for yourself. Don't give yourself away too easily. A relationship has to work both ways. There has to be a balance otherwise one or both people are going to feel trapped, and that's never a positive outcome.

Good luck, and keep us posted!!!

🙂 @ canceriangoddess

thank you, mars.in.aries....i am taking it slow. if he cannot match the effort i am putting into the relationship, yes, then we'll have to part ways. when we talked for four hours the other night i said {almost} everything that was on my mind.... we are seeing each other on sunday so we will most certainly talk some more....but i would like to just kinda start over.... i harbor no resentment towards him for what happened, which i think is healthy because once i get what is bothering me off my chest i let it go.... ....from what i gather, most aries operate the same way, so that will be a plus in our relationship if it evolves. however, i do have several things that would be dealbreakers for me if they are part of his regular personality {and not just because he was sick}....so we will take it slow. taking it slow will also help me to have more patience with him, after all, he is relatively clueless when it comes to being in a relationship - which is frustrating but also endears me to him because i know his cluelessness does not come from a dark or mean place....as the infant of the zodiac, he's basically just a baby and add to that his age.... we'll see if i have the patience. thank you for your input. xoj