CANCERS REFUSE TO SPEAK WHEN HURT———?

Hello, new to this forum and had a few questions regarding cancer men.

1.Do Cancers REFUSE to speak with you if you have hurt their feelings or if they are going through a tough time—
If so, how do you handle this situation and is it a form of trying to disrespect you (when ignoring you)?

2.When do you know if a cancer ex has moved on from you, if they always pop their head into your life—

note-he was the one who ended the relationship.

3.How to win back a cancer ex when they have accused you of betraying them?

4.What is the biggest fear for a cancer man, when it comes to a relationship?

5.What to expect in a cancer man when going through a loss and the best way to give support?

Appreciate all answers, THANKS!!!

1.Yes, do not ignore him, bad communication can any type of relationship and you shouldn't want to see him upset and your not paying attention to his feeling's.

2. If they not trying to start over or at least trying to communicate again, more so than likely he's over you.

3. That's hard, i really do not know, because once i get hurt or back stabbed i usually cannot trust them no matter how much i forgave or love them, whatever have been done will continue to be on my mind.

4. People with hidden agenda's. Everything has to be upfront.

5. Just showing that you actually care.

i know this is for cancer males but...

1. i know when i'm upset and ignoring someone i'd rather they leave me alone for a while. if they don't i tend to find it really irritating and suffocating. and no, it's not to disrespect you in any way.

2. if i'm no longer interested i just make no effort to really be in there lives. although if its been a long time (as in years) i might just say "hey" only because i'm curious as to how they're doing.

3. that takes a really long time and you really have to prove yourself and even then it's hard and we'll move very cautiously

4. picking the wrong person

5. what they said

Appreciate ALL your answers. Thanks!!
A little more to the story.......


1. He told me to let go and said he was "over all of it" and "goodbye"(we were still ex's). Asked me not to call or text. Ignored my calls the next few days. I left harsh voicemailes. It wasn't full on betrayal and something he is not taking ownership for (not cheating related). He has said the same "goodbye" "over all of it" when upset and later comes around, so I don't know if to take it seriously or to knock on his shell.

2. Been ex's for ten months. I still deeply love him. He calls me drunk and at times not drunk and confesses how he still deeply loves me, thinks of me, hasn't been with anyone and reason being "no one is like you". Yet, he admits he doesn't trust us, is afraid, and wishes he could trust me again and says he wants to trust me so much (never cheated on him, hurt his feeling in other ways).

5. Related to the loss that he is going through, I feel deep down that I should be of support and that he needs me, for some reason. I want to check in on him and let him know he is not alone and let him know I love and care for him, but am having a hard time doing so when someone just cuts me out instead of having an adult conversation to see where both parites are coming from. I guess that it's too much to ask for since he is a cancer or not—

So, should I send him a warm message showing him support—

And, he says he always thinks he has moved on and then starts remembering me and realizes how he hasn't and how he loves me. He calls me and expresses these things and then pulls away confusing me and then says he was just remembering.

Also, I suggested that he dated other women as his friends tell him to do so since he is ping ponging around and confusing both of us. He got upset and told me that he resented my statement. WTF—

What are your imputs please?

Dayum, it is man's initial's TB or AB? All Cancer men just sound the same.

I just say leave him the hell alone. It is going to take him a long time to trust you. You two are not married. He is giving you confusing msgs because he is a commitment phobic man. A typical CP man. He will tell you one thing but his actions speak otherwise.

Would you rather be with a show me man or a tell me man? Words are deceptive. If you did little things that hurt him and he is that dayum upset, the hell with him. He is making up excuses so the relationship or whatever you two have can stay in back peddling motion. He wants you to believe that you really did something terrible to him, a guilty trip on his part, so you don't see other men.

Let him alone and move on. He will be back around on his own time and you should date other men and not have your life placed on hold being faithful to a man who is not your husband. He is not guaranteed to marry you. If you act like the typical wife while you two are just dating, you can cut your loses with him anyways. He will distance himself from wifey actions alone.

Posted by krobe03
Dayum, it is man's initial's TB or AB? All Cancer men just sound the same.

LOL. No, it's not. So most cancer men are really like this?
What do I take from this, he wants to be with me but is scared shit less or he's just remembering. Who remembers their ex and calls them to confess their undying love for them each time uless they do want them again, but are afraid.

I read that cancers don't like fighting and all that good stuff, then why the hell do you create all the bullshit and drama confusing the whole world including yourself—!!!

Sooooo weird. He pulls this shit then comes around to make "amends" and then pulls it again like a kid only to have to make "amends" again. LOLL. I love the man, but it's like come on baby. Why.

Posted by krobe03
I just say leave him the hell alone. It is going to take him a long time to trust you. You two are not married. He is giving you confusing msgs because he is a commitment phobic man. A typical CP man. He will tell you one thing but his actions speak otherwise.

Would you rather be with a show me man or a tell me man? Words are deceptive. If you did little things that hurt him and he is that dayum upset, the hell with him. He is making up excuses so the relationship or whatever you two have can stay in back peddling motion. He wants you to believe that you really did something terrible to him, a guilty trip on his part, so you don't see other men.

Let him alone and move on. He will be back around on his own time and you should date other men and not have your life placed on hold being faithful to a man who is not your husband. He is not guaranteed to marry you. If you act like the typical wife while you two are just dating, you can cut your loses with him anyways. He will distance himself from wifey actions alone.

He actually acted like my husband for the longest time. We lived together. His mother and I were really close friends. I would actually hang out with his mom when he and I were fighting (his very close to her).

I did hurt him in pretty messed up ways in the past, when we were together a year ago. I was nasty emotionally and verbally. But, people grow, they learn and change. Just recently, I wrote down everything he was telling me and recorded part of it and sent it to him since I had a feeling he would be ping ponging with me. He didn't know I was doing that as we were speaking and says I betrayed him. I understand were he is coming from, but I wanted to have him hear himself and how confusing he could be. Why would I want to record you, it's not like your the president... Unless you go back and forth with your wants and words creating drama between us.

Him acting like your husband it what has scared him off. He does not want to "act" like your husband. It is making him feel unsafe so he has distanced himself from you from the fear of feeling "trapped". He is ping ponging you so you can lessen your expectations of him. Accept him for who he is not for what you project him to be for you. He wants you to be independent, strong, and for the for most part "mentally intelligent".

If you lack mental intellect, he will distance himself, use confusing behavior and just keep you string along because "you don't understand him". You want a commitment and a commitment makes him feel trapped, suffocated, wrapped, like a bird in a cage. He wants his freedom right now more than he wants you. So, he will come back around just to throw some false hope, only to let you down again. ALL game.

You will be going through that shit for the rest of your life. Get focused on YOU, get a life way so far outside of him. He has left you stuck in the past, wanting more of something that is not going to happen again. He has caught you so he does not need to put in any work besides a few words to you.

Do yourself a favor and lose him. He will come back around but you will not want him with all that ping ponging. That shit will break the strongest woman's confidence down. A woman with high self esteem will walk away from him and place his ass in the back of her mind. That BS hurts to the bone.

Milla_Kiss, why did you record the phone convo?? I'm kinda with him on that..

Posted by krobe03
Him acting like your husband it what has scared him off. He does not want to "act" like your husband. It is making him feel unsafe so he has distanced himself from you from the fear of feeling "trapped". He is ping ponging you so you can lessen your expectations of him. Accept him for who he is not for what you project him to be for you. He wants you to be independent, strong, and for the for most part "mentally intelligent".

If you lack mental intellect, he will distance himself, use confusing behavior and just keep you string along because "you don't understand him". You want a commitment and a commitment makes him feel trapped, suffocated, wrapped, like a bird in a cage. He wants his freedom right now more than he wants you. So, he will come back around just to throw some false hope, only to let you down again. ALL game.

You will be going through that shit for the rest of your life. Get focused on YOU, get a life way so far outside of him. He has left you stuck in the past, wanting more of something that is not going to happen again. He has caught you so he does not need to put in any work besides a few words to you.

Do yourself a favor and lose him. He will come back around but you will not want him with all that ping ponging. That shit will break the strongest woman's confidence down. A woman with high self esteem will walk away from him and place his ass in the back of her mind. That BS hurts to the bone.

Thank you for your comment.

I was very young in many ways mentally and did not know how to react towards the situation.
I was going through a very hard time and treating him like my punching bag and feel like anyone would have walked away at that time. He got us a place so I could go to school full time, was taking care of some of my bills and taking care of me pretty well. He was very supportive in many, many ways. Everyone thought we would marry. His family and I were very close and I became apart of their family.

He is going through a very hard time now with his own issues and each time he comes around... I am gaurded at first and then soften up and maybe come on too strong. He analyzes everything and thinks about it over and over again and then backs out. He has told me many times that he is very afraid of what happening in the past happening again.

He is making up excuses. He is NOT afraid of shit. He is just telling you he is afraid, confusing you so the relationship can remain on stall. As long as he is distancing himself, he does not have to move anything forward.

I would let him be. He is a man. I know for sure Cancer men will tell you they want a mother figure like woman but act like one. He will disappear on you so quick. Let him deal with his own issues. He is a man, he can handle his issues. The more you stay and be understanding the more you are acting like a wife. Right now, he may not want you to be like that for him.

I would walk away. He will come back around too you. Just don't give in so easily each and every time he throw a bone your way.

Posted by The-Dream
Milla_Kiss, why did you record the phone convo?? I'm kinda with him on that..

I understand where you're coming from.
For the past ten months on and off, he has been popping into my life and confessing his undying love for me and crying while he does so. He tells me at times that he wants to go to therapy with me, wants me, and is afraid of the bull shit from the past getting in the middle of us.
He tells me so much that confuses me. Then he will back away. He says it's not a game (while crying) as I accuse him. He tells me he wishes I was inside his heart and felt what he feels for me.

So, he changes his mind non stop and I understand the fear part of it, but don't understand how someone is so confused.
We then fight about it because he changed his mind and I am super confused.

I decided to record him finally to have HIM hear every thing he says and why I become so confused, sad, and a bit resentful. I wanted to show him how and why the arguments stem from because then he puts it off onto me sometimes when anyone would confront the situation.

I feel somewhat bad for recording him, but apart of me didn't feel like I had a choice. Days after our discussion, he twisted what he said around and I then told him I had recorded him for this very reason. He was embarrassed at first and after I sent it to him, he cut me off.

I understand both of our parts, and have already apologized. I just feel like he is not taking ownership for his part fully. During our recorded conversation, their was a beeping sound he asked about (my phone dying). He later said he was done for a couple reasons. He said I lied about my phone dying when it was the recorder (not true). He said I asked him leading questions because I knew he was being recorded ( he was telling me all these things for two hours. He changed the subject and as I decided to record him, I asked him to clearify what he had previously said). He said I violated him and betrayed his trust.

He is making it sound like I cheated on him (never have, which he trust fully) and as I said, I understand both of our parts.

Is this something a cancer will never want to get back with ex for?

I have a better understanding but i still think it was wrong to record that, i think it's going to be rough to be able to get his trust a little from that, it's like you taking as a joke. I'm just saying! Not trying to offend you but that's probably how he's feeling. I think he still in love with you but i think he want both of you guys to really fight for the relationship but you may seem like little aloof about his feeling's, when you write you still seem a little detached but caring but still detached LOL. You should make a date and really sit down and talk to him, he's trying but he wants you to try too.

Posted by krobe03
He is making up excuses. He is NOT afraid of shit. He is just telling you he is afraid, confusing you so the relationship can remain on stall. As long as he is distancing himself, he does not have to move anything forward.

I would let him be. He is a man. I know for sure Cancer men will tell you they want a mother figure like woman but act like one. He will disappear on you so quick. Let him deal with his own issues. He is a man, he can handle his issues. The more you stay and be understanding the more you are acting like a wife. Right now, he may not want you to be like that for him.

I would walk away. He will come back around too you. Just don't give in so easily each and every time he throw a bone your way.

Thank you for your advise krobe.
I hear you and would agree if it were the average man. He was sexually abused as a child and is now dealing with it. He is afraid and mistrusting of every little thing. I don't offer my support like I use to. He knows that he could have my support if he chooses to respect me and knows that cutting me out makes me feel disrespected, so I have stopped being there for him like I use to.

There have been times where he has said (as he's crying) "you're young, go and date, be free". So, I leave him alone and he usually popps up after two months to express how he feels towards me and to apologize for anything stupid he did.

I have spoken to his friends and they are supprised with his ping ponging. They said that once he's done, he never contacts an ex let alone stays friends with them. His mother told me "his heart pulls him one way and that's towards you and his head another way".

Nope! He is sending you confusing, mixed messages so you can lower your expectations of him. Tape recording him is a form a drama. He is not trying to hear what he is saying to you. A man can cry, he can cry REAL tears and be sincere at the time he is saying what he says to you. Tape record it and throw it back in his face, he will swear you betrayed him. You betraying him is just his way of making up excuses.

Let go girl. Let go, let go, let go. What sign are you? Let him go on. You are going to experience years of heartache if you don't. Give him the room to come back to you, ONLY when his ass feels unbetrayed with NO EXCUSES.

Stop answering his calls, quit texting him, quit worrying about him, quit thinking about him. You are lowering your standards to his level of difficulty which is going to make him superior over you. You will ALLOW him to more power over you and he will blow you down for placing him on a pedestal. Esp when he doesn't deserve your trust.

Girl, let him go. In time, you will see, losing him is not that dayum hard.

They said that once he's done, he never contacts an ex let alone stays friends with them.

This is a lie. Whoever told you this is making up even more excuses for him. He will contact a ex and kick it with her whenever opportunity presents itself. Maybe not ALL men will but the majority will do it with a heart beat.

Posted by The-Dream
I have a better understanding but i still think it was wrong to record that, i think it's going to be rough to be able to get his trust a little from that, it's like you taking as a joke. I'm just saying! Not trying to offend you but that's probably how he's feeling. I think he still in love with you but i think he want both of you guys to really fight for the relationship but you may seem like little aloof about his feeling's, when you write you still seem a little detached but caring but still detached LOL. You should make a date and really sit down and talk to him, he's trying but he wants you to try too.

I am a bit distant. We haven't seen each other in ten months. I care deeply about him but become a bit resentful when he pulls this merry go round. It's just so pointless. It's stange that you got that preception. I feel like I am the one always trying and him pushing and pulling. Doesn't he understand that I too will lose trust in him when he does that none stop? I want to love him freely, not gaurded like this. We use to be like a pair of care free little children with eachother.

I did send him a text a month ago asking him if he was still pissed and wanted me to move on and no reply.

Are you suggested I contact him or let him be and have him come around to me?

Well you been trying months and months and it's kinda hard to what to say because a relationship inst is about worshiping one or the other but about two human being's share life experience together. He still kinda confused for wanting to trust you again, i say just give him time to come around, i see you have tried repeatedly and he's still kinda upset, just check up on him like " how are you doing?" or thing's of that sort to know you care while he still healing from whatever happen before you guys broken up.

Posted by krobe03
Nope! He is sending you confusing, mixed messages so you can lower your expectations of him. Tape recording him is a form a drama. He is not trying to hear what he is saying to you. A man can cry, he can cry REAL tears and be sincere at the time he is saying what he says to you. Tape record it and throw it back in his face, he will swear you betrayed him. You betraying him is just his way of making up excuses.

Let go girl. Let go, let go, let go. What sign are you? Let him go on. You are going to experience years of heartache if you don't. Give him the room to come back to you, ONLY when his ass feels unbetrayed with NO EXCUSES.

Stop answering his calls, quit texting him, quit worrying about him, quit thinking about him. You are lowering your standards to his level of difficulty which is going to make him superior over you. You will ALLOW him to more power over you and he will blow you down for placing him on a pedestal. Esp when he doesn't deserve your trust.

Girl, let him go. In time, you will see, losing him is not that dayum hard.

Interesting comment.

I am a pisces.

I feel like crap for "violating" him.

That is one thing I had NEVER done and due to his childhood abuse, I feel like maybe reminded him of that. "Let him come back to you only when he feels unbetrayed with no excuses" LOL. "Lowering your standards to his level of difficulty" by bringing in drama and recording him?

Does this man sound like a average cancer?

No milla_kiss, i'm a cancerian i do not play games as "Krobe" trying to say, that's the men she dealt with, everyone is different.

This man sounds like he is splitting your wig. Average Cancer, in my opinion. Yes. Lawrd, I cannot do a Cancer man. His revenge is a MF. He will have your ass seeing stars. Stars saying which way did he go. He will blow your self esteem and self confidence down the gutter. Esp, if he feels betrayed. He is at his worst when he feels like he has been "slighted".

Leave him alone. Get on with your life. 10 months girl you are living in a fantasy land, and imaginary relationship right now. It is no more hope, it is over for right now. Maybe in time, right now, move on. You deserve better.

I am not trying to make you feel bad about yourself but you should go and get you some counseling right now. You will need it to remain strong. To get over this chapter in your life. It will be hard for you I know but you deserve better.

Dream- He has had a pretty hard life and does tell me that he doesn't have the energy to talk to people on a lot of days let alone play games when I am accusing him of doing so.

I hear a lot of "I'm afraid" and "I don't trust us", which I understand but wondered if it was an excuse. He was fully commited to me when he did trust me. He was wonderful.

His dad also died four months ago, not sure if it adds to the push and pull between us.

Milla move on honey. You know when you are being toyed. I have alot of Pisces friends and I know you all want closure and you will wait for a man to come back to you. It is your loyalty to the ones that you love but right now, it is not a good time for you. Get you some help. Get a support group.

Cancer men play games. Let me rephrase that statement. Cancer men can be challenging.

Krobe-


His dad was very sick and so he moved to be with him for support.
Dad died four months ago and he is moving back to the city I live in a couple months. He would contact me here and there via email, but we both had kind of moved on with our lives.

He initially called me when his dad passed and told me he didn't want to talk to anyone but me... And so it started from there.

Milla if you love you, love your life then you will let go, please please please don't be another female on these relationships sites holding on 2 plus years later, he is bitter there is nothing you can do to HELP him, the best you can do is leave him alone and let him go on with his life, a man like this will drag you to the gutter of emotional hell, you can sit here and rehash, over analyze this to death but the bottom line is he's gone, you both made some mistakes, I agree with dream that you betrayed his trust but I'm sure if you sat down and logically thought about it your X most likely betrayed your trust twice over. I know people hate to hear the words let go but letting go is the only way to get him back. If you cling to his every word when throws you some crumbs of attention you only end up clinging for another 6 months, another year, you look up 10 years have passed you by and your still stuck on the same dayum man. Forgive yourself, allow yourself some time to go no contact to grieve, to cry, to feel rage, anger, remorse and then forgive him and forgive yourself and move on. Don't let him back into your life unless he's willing to stay, no in and out crap...be strong for yourself, you deserve better than this, you have to believe it's not all your fault but at the same time accept responsibility for the part you played and let it go...let him go find himself and you focus on you.

He will show up every so often but trying a bit of APATHY and not answer his calls and emails and text messages....he can only come in and out if you let him, he's stringing you along, tying up your time when you could be healing and moving on, you have to feel miserable inside...well your not going to get past that by clinging onto him and waiting on him...you have to take CONTROL of your situation or stay stuck in the middle of nowhere with this situation...you don't need his closure, you just need to close it and let it stay closed and only open it back unless he's giving you something tangible to and real to work with.

And let me say this, stop owning his life, what I mean is we all have some pretty horrific shit happen to us from rape, to abuse to incest to all kinds of emotional, mental, physical, psychological abuse yet that does not give each and everyone of us the right to PLAY with other peoples lives and emotions, stop owning his shit, stop letting him cry in your lap, tell you he loves you b/c truthfully he is using you, he's using you as a stepping stone to feel better about himself, he's using you as FREE therapy so he can run away and go play elsewhere...

again apathy, apathy means indifference, instead of awwww try so what get over it already, try a bit of strength instead and watch he either leave you alone or man up and act like a man, you are making him weak by holding his hand and begging for love and all that makes him want to do is run away from you when he's done exposing his weaknesses, stop ENABLING his behavior, you are creating more and more of what you say you don't want, stop contacting him and asking him should I move on...You are an adult act like one, you decide to stay or go, if you decide to stay then stop complaining, deal with it and if you can't deal with it the way it is then let go and while your at it use some of that heartfelt emotion that you give him and give it to yourself...Never ask a confused man that doesn't know what he wants a question, if he doesn't know what he wants then he doesn't want what he already have, he will never answer and when he finally does answer it still won't make a lick of dayum sense, all words no action....do yourself a favor get into some type of therapy sessions, maybe group or maybe even love addiction sessions online and regroup...you are spending way too much time on this ONE man that is taking you for granted and lying to you on top of that, love doesn't treat people like shit...he's a manipulative clown and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Tiki-

Thank you for the first comment. I do believe in my gut that he loves me... But feel like he is unable to love me in a healthy way at this moment in time, due to his demons. He started therapy and everything is being brought up. I understand where he is coming from but also agree with you that it doesn't give him the excuse to be hurtfull to others. I have expressed to him many times, each time tries to expess and use the excuse to me that he is messed up for what happend to him as a kid.

YES... A few conflicting emotions are going on inside. My intentions weren't dark or to betray him. Yet, I feel like what nerve does he have to accuse me of betraying him when has in fact done so in a couple situations and begged for forgiveness. And those couple situations (not cheating related) were pretty serious. I emailed this to him and brought it to his attention.

He says he wants me to heal, which I trust in a sence (he rented out a house for me by the ocean so I could have peace and heal when we were together, and no he is not wealthy)... And most recently in a text message after the recording inncident... Told me to not text, not call, let go, peace for both of us, no let downs, and to not hold onto everything he did. That here was a chance for me to heal and "Lets let go".

I have done the "get over it, I was abused in certain ways to and it still doesn't give me the right to emotionally screw with you" and he backs off thinking am not understanding. The nerve- I'm the most intuned and understanding of his crazy head he has been with.

He is a smart man and almost always feels heavily guilty for the things he does. I could smell his guilt a mile away. To see this behavior from his is very diheartening especially because of the bond and connection we have had.

We use to be friends before we got involved. I was dating someone else. I was upfront with both of them and they knew of eachother. He went through my purse, through my room and contacted the guy I was dating to tell him why he's better for me. Not only did he create drama there, but invaded my privacy and betrayed me. There have been other forms of major betrayal. It's just interesting how he doesn't consider his own actions before jumping onto someone.

Thanks guys!! All of your advise is appreciated!

But the thing is this Milla, you can't force nor control him to own up to his past behavior, you are exhausting tons of mental energy on trying to control the uncontrollable...Set him free by accepting that you can't control anything he chooses to do or not do, all you can control is you, all you can control is your thoughts, your mind, your life.

If he wants to live in denial let him, there is nothing you can say to convince him otherwise and I mean NOTHING. All you can do is wish him well, hope he gets the help he needs in therapy and turn back to YOU, important you, your the most important person on the planet but if you don't BELIEVE IT then men will misuse you, take you for granted, step on and over you to get there way with you, my suggestion is that you stop worrying about him, why he's not talking, why he's in denial and go nurture and heal and find your own sense of peace, you won't get any of that from this situation right now.

It would be nice and noble if he would own up to his betrayals but it's not necessary for him to do so in order for you to be okay and happy, your life won't stop turning because of it. It's really not about him anyways, I know you think it is because truthfully you may use him to avoid your own issues so you focus on him and his mistakes but your going to stay stuck in that rut if you don't give his mistakes back to him and you take ownership of your own mistakes and go fix your life. Maybe holding onto the betrayel keeps you holding onto him and the relationship, maybe your scared to let that go because then what but the only way your going to grow and gain strength is by letting him go, letting his issues with his past go, letting his death in his family go and move on with your life. That doesn't mean you stop loving him, it means you love him but you love you more and loving you more means taking your hands off of his mistakes, his betrayels his denial and shifting all of your time, attention and love onto yourself were it belongs.

Posted by tiki33
But the thing is this Milla, you can't force nor control him to own up to his past behavior, you are exhausting tons of mental energy on trying to control the uncontrollable...Set him free by accepting that you can't control anything he chooses to do or not do, all you can control is you, all you can control is your thoughts, your mind, your life.

If he wants to live in denial let him, there is nothing you can say to convince him otherwise and I mean NOTHING. All you can do is wish him well, hope he gets the help he needs in therapy and turn back to YOU, important you, your the most important person on the planet but if you don't BELIEVE IT then men will misuse you, take you for granted, step on and over you to get there way with you, my suggestion is that you stop worrying about him, why he's not talking, why he's in denial and go nurture and heal and find your own sense of peace, you won't get any of that from this situation right now.

It would be nice and noble if he would own up to his betrayals but it's not necessary for him to do so in order for you to be okay and happy, your life won't stop turning because of it. It's really not about him anyways, I know you think it is because truthfully you may use him to avoid your own issues so you focus on him and his mistakes but your going to stay stuck in that rut if you don't give his mistakes back to him and you take ownership of your own mistakes and go fix your life. Maybe holding onto the betrayel keeps you holding onto him and the relationship, maybe your scared to let that go because then what but the only way your going to grow and gain strength is by letting him go, letting his issues with his past go, letting his death in his family go and move on with your life. That doesn't mean you stop loving him, it means you love him but you love you more and loving you more means taking your hands off of his mistakes, his betrayels his denial and shifting all of your time, attention and love onto yourself were it belongs.

I have let go of his betrayals from the past. He does say he's sorry about them, writes letters about them and so on. But it doesn't really matter if he repeats certain things, which I have made this clear to him. I guess the point I was trying to make is how one can screw you over and over, yet run off and hide when you "betray" them. In my situations, I try to understand whe

No you haven't let the past go, your still wondering why he's HUMAN, why he's flawed, why he chose his bad habits over you, as long as you keep wondering why he screwed you over and over again then you have not let go of his betrayals, you haven't even started the grieving process yet because your still wondering about his screw ups, people are human beings, we are not flawless, we fuck up, we lie and do things we don't really understand but you can't keep rehashing and allowing him to keep apologizing at some point you have to decide to stop beating each other over the head with issues from the past and forgive and move forward, maybe that won't happen today, maybe not even next week or next year but at some point you 2 have to stop holding onto things that are DONE and OVER with and make peace, maybe you will never get back together who knows but your only hurting yourself when you keep beating that dead horse over and over and over again, you have to want to stop reliving that trauma with one another or your never going to see the possibility of peace between the 2 of you. Once you forgive there will be no need for apologies, how can you possibly move forward if he's constantly apologizing?

If you know he can't be a source of someone you can depend on then alleviate the pressure by never depending on him for anything thus he won't have to lie and screw you over again and again...I think it's accepting him for who he is and maybe you don't like who he is so you continually hope for change but that keeps you stuck, reality and truth will set you free.

Maybe he will begin to talk to you when he can sense and see your OKAY...until then he's going to avoid you and be in and out, as long as your hurting your not a source of safety for him to be around...that is why it's important for you to take care of you first before dealing with him.

Posted by tiki33
Maybe he will begin to talk to you when he can sense and see your OKAY...until then he's going to avoid you and be in and out, as long as your hurting your not a source of safety for him to be around...that is why it's important for you to take care of you first before dealing with him.

Interesting that you say that. Maybe I am not seeing things in a more clearer light, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Lol.
I asked him why he was always there before no matter what and now runs off. His response was that he was able to be depended on. He said that he has given so much to everyone else and has placed everyone before him that is has sucked him dry and he has nothing to give right now. He mentioned being tired spiritually and low on patience. He mentioned having to put himself first with therapy and all else now.

When he comes around and sees I am not okay and pretty unstable (he could handle it before), but now kind of runs off. He mentiones how one of us needs to be the stronger one and how both of us are now a mess and it won't work.

So, what happens is he contacts me with the love you, miss you, and so on and then calls a couple days later and starts sharing his doubts of the above I mentioned.

I was 21 when he met me. Although had it fully together, was independent, healing, and focused on me. He was super giveing then and said it was easy for him to give cause I wouldn't put so much pressure on him. I was safe in all these sences, but also cause I allowed him to be.

I have also misdirected my anger towards my parents and put it towards him. Since my parents were never there, I think I may have put extra pressure to make up for my entire family being jerks. So yes, flawed, he failed at times and I think I may have drowned him with his failure. I blamed him for so much that was ment for my parents.

He now blames himself and distances himself since I may have programmed all the blame and guilt into him.

He was patient with you now give him the GIFT of your patience and while your at it rechannel that anger into the right channels were they belong, they never belonged with him so now it's time those angry blaming guilty feelings go back to the source which is your parents, I myself find journaling is a good healthy way to exhaust anger and say things you may not be able to say face to face to your parents. Instead of talking about the relationship when he comes around, try talking about anything but that, if he wants to say he loves you, miss you then let him, it doesn't mean go into a tangent about wrongs and what not it, him expressing his feelings means he wants to freely express how he feels without pressure and judgement and when he shares his doubt again give him the gift of a lending empathetic ear without interruption and try I understand how you feel instead of making him feel like he's wrong for coming to you with his doubts, maybe he just wants a simple acknowledgement of his fears, not a lecture about how to change and how he was wrong and how he created the pain....He gave to you freely once so try giving him the same thing, it may just be key to getting him back into your life slowly.

Yeah, what Tiki just said, give him a empathetic ear instead of blaming him. He is distancing himself from you because he does NOT want to go back to acting like your husband. He does NOT want to do it and your actions must in some form be a bit to controlling for him. You may not understand what you are doing to push him away.

Yes, in the past he may have been a dayum good man to you but it is your life. Not his, you should learn to go out and do things to make yourself happy instead of looking for happiness from him. He may not be able to give you happiness, esp. if he is having problems in his own life. He is conflicted, he is having trouble with his emotions right now, all he needs is more added resentment.

I believe it would be a good idea for you to go and get some help MILLA. Let outside counselors look in to the situation. YOU are too stuck in the past. He is telling you he is scared but reading more of your posts confirms that you are placing to much pressure on this man. You are idealizing him to be a man that YOU want him to be, not a man of his true nature.

Krobe-

He mentions a lot how he feels a lot of pressure if he makes a mistake or that I will constantly bring up his short comings which will prevent him from healing and moving forward as a person.

Last we spoke (the recorded incident), he said he wanted to be with me with out all this "bull shit" between us and he would want us to seek therapy. He sent a text a couple days after that stating how he calls me when he is reminising and remembering how I truely am, then said we were better off apart (which I somewhat agree with in this moment in time due to both of us needing to heal) and said he had a lot of therapy to do.

We spoke day after. He was very gaurded and didn't know about the recording yet. Was able to crack his shell and he then said it was too much for him to think about with everything else going on in his life. He offered his friendship and asked me to think about it and see if I was okay with that. After the recording was shared with him, he cut me off 🙂

I know he IS that man but I am starting to see that he cannot be right now.
I think I may be putting too much pressure on him. I just don't always know how to handle his mixed messaged ping ponging.

I do go out and have fun with loving people in my life and yes, I do have to get back into therapy.

Thanks!!

error with the smiley face. lol

Tiki-

Thank you so much for your helpful advise.

I journaled a lot before. Stopped, but started again today actually. It does help a lot!!

He does distance himself when I tell him how much he's hurt me in the past by doing certain things.

Yet again, the conflicting emotions pop up since Yes, he hurt me, but it came down to action-reaction type of situations. So in other words, I DID NOT understand the concept of giving a man his space. I didn't understand that he needed to cool down during or after an argument and that if he didn't, as he said, he would snap at me and make me feel like my parents.

I would make him feel worse and put him through a guilt trip if he took off, needing his space in the midst of me yelling at him and calling him everything in the book. I would panic and think he was abandoning (parent related) and would chase him down like a little girl. I would also trap him and not let him go until we "fixed" what ever we were fighting about when he just needed space to breath.

There were a couple times a fully took off and yes I was on the other end of it starting the mess. The conflicting emotions kick in when I would take off as well if in his shoes, yet I hold this against him, blaming him and fearing him.

He says I make him feel like a monster yet is confused since I can be super caring, loving, affectionate and understanding also. I've noticed I flip back and forth depending on if I feel threatened or not.

I think I want to let this be for a few months and fully fucus on myself and him on himself. Being on this furum has opened my eyes to realizing how much work I still have to do and I don't want to repeat my past with him.

How do I give him the gift of patience with out letting him think he can come and go when ever he pleases—

There is a book that I remember coming across and please please don't get offended but it's about people who have borderline personaliities (again this is not to offend you) there is just something that stood out for me when you said you chased him and wouldn't let him leave until you were able to fix the problem and you make him feel like a monster but on the other hand you flip back and forth between good and bad, by no means am I diagnosing but maybe there is something to look into, BPD people have issues with intense abandonment fears, they usually attract very empathetic codependent type personalities as mates and end up doing the very thing they say they don't want to do and alienate there partners to the point of abandonment...The book is called Stop walking on eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, I think they have a website community, I'm sure if you google you may be able to find the site and possible get a some advice if you desire.

I totally agree with your statement to let this be for a few months and fully fucus on myself and him on himself. Being on this furum has opened my eyes to realizing how much work I still have to do and I don't want to repeat my past with him.

How do I give him the gift of patience with out letting him think he can come and go when ever he pleases—

Be honest, tell him that you don't want to hurt him or yourself and you really need to take some time apart from him, you might have to find your own creative way to say you need XYZ amount of time away to heal, it could be 6 weeks or 6 months, old habits are hard to break, you will know when it's time to reach out when you completely finished with the past, when you don't have one desire to discuss is when your done with the past and can fully move on. You have the option to cut contact completely for awhile or you can accept that he's going to come and go and that is part of his way of dealing with you and at he same time healing, give him the CHOICE to leave when he feels he needs his space that is practicing patience. Patience is understanding that he is going to deal with you in his own way, you might not like it or agree with it but that is how he is right now today, maybe yesterday he gave and gave and gave but today he isn't able to do it accepting that is being patient with him, it may take some adjusting and time to get used to it but you can if you truly want him to remain in your life.

Tiki-

I am not offended, however it did make me laugh... Just cause I have seen a few therapist and none of them thought I had BP. They did diagnose me with depression due to environmental issues.

I have major issues of abandonment with him. Haven't with other men. I think it is cause he was everything I lacked as a child. He was my family. His family was my family. I felt free and safe... And the thought of losing all was terrifying.

I don't flip flop around from very caring to not for simply no reason at all. But I don't agree with the extreme reaction that comes from my end. I was raised with parents who were for sure not the greatest or healthist role models. I have noticed I've taken on my moms nastyness and my dads caringness.

The nastyness, which has gotten so much better, but I can feel is still there... Is what comes out in defensive situations or when I presive something as a threat, which may not be sometimes. But I turn into a purring kitten to a huge nasy tiger.

I am still upset with him and vise versa for sure!!! I think I will send him a honest, nice letter during the holidays and mention needing space and contacting him when I am ready. I somewhat do agree with you on lettin him be and having patience when he comes around because he had it with me with I was down and crazy. I highly doubt he would be coming and going if he knew I was safe and that he could trust me. I also don't think he is fully commitment phobic. He was chasing me for a relationship for ten months and wanted me to meet all his family and friends right when we got together. A family and children are his dreams and what he really wants.

Tiki-

Will look into the site anyway. Thanks.