Why good people do bad things

I got this in an email - it seemed like an appropriate topic for this board.

"Love can be scary. So scary that some of us will do whatever we can to get out of it! Sound crazy? After all, no one wants to destroy their relationship, right? Wrong! While we may not be conscious of our deeper, almost involuntary motivations, when good people do bad things in relationships - things that even they themselves are hard pressed to explain, it's an example of this subconscious desire taking charge. The good news is, once you understand what you're doing (self-sabotaging), you can identify it, and stop it.

So if you're that "crazy person" who does drive-bys to make sure your significant other's not keeping other company? or if your lover is so "obsessed" that they hack into your email in an attempt to know your every move, then keep reading, and stop judging. Why? Because it has to do with fight or flight.

Believe it or not, the impulse toward self-destruction is built into our DNA - as part of our fight or flight response. When relationships get difficult, and the difficulty seems insurmountable physically, mentally or emotionally (thereby threatening our status quo), it's our instinct to destroy them. The problem is that oftentimes, the perceived threat (in this case, love) is not the actual problem. It's the status quo that needs to change. Fear of connection, long-held beliefs about lovability or self-worth, deep-seated insecurity are the sorts of emotions that motivate fight or flight and result in self-destructive behavior in relationships.

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The first step then, if you want to stop indulging these impulses is to identify what they are.

Ask yourself a few questions
If your behavior is setting off alarm bells or causing problems in your relationship(s), then you may need to dig deep to find the cause. Ask yourself: What are you afraid of? What may have influenced your views of love? How do you feel about yourself? Are your fears founded in the reality of the present or in an expectation you've built based on the past? What usually motivates these episodes?Also consider how engaging in these "bad" behaviors makes you feel. In all likelihood, you feel wor

In all likelihood, you feel worse for having gone there, which should tell you something in and of itself.

Looking within
If your outbursts tend to be the problem, rather than reactions to a problem, your relationship may be otherwise healthy. In this instance, you'll likely find the impulse to get drunk or throw a fit or make inappropriate advances at an inopportune moment is not directly linked to your partner's behavior. It's your reaction to past experiences (like being hurt and the fear of having it happen again) that sends you into self-destruct mode. You'll need to work through these building blocks of who you are in order to change your automatic reactions. But before you dig any deeper, take note:

You are not a bad person or an abnormal one. We are all the product of conditioning - it just may be time to re-calibrate! You can change the situation - and your inclinations toward self-destruction - by focusing on being present in the moment. Meanwhile, it may be worth it to seek counseling in order to speak about your emotions (and actions). Over time, you will come to understand and believe in your own intrinsic value, even if that seems impossible now. And your relationship may very well be salvageable.

Changing your situation
On the other hand, if your partner is behaving in a way that "causes" you to act this way (if they are unfaithful or abusive or dismissive - or any other stress-inducing trigger), then it's time to take a deeper look at yourself and the relationship. Is it possible that you're re-creating a situation over and over again? We're all participants in our lives, after all, and those who fear themselves unlovable often create situations in which they won't be loved. The subconscious logic is simple - by staying with negative partners, we confirm our deep-seated belief that we're not worth real, healthy love. But the result is not a given. It's a choice.

Rather than buying into your conditioned hypothesis, recognize that a pattern is actually your subconscious offering you chances to learn a lesson. And this time, learn it! Good people do bad things in all areas of life, but by continuing to indulge these impulses, we're not saving ourselves from anything. Rather, like a scorpion who will sting itself to death rather than catch fire, we're destroying ourselves rather than facing problems head on. And in turn, we're killing our chances at finding true happiness on our own or as part of a pair!