Jokeeeeeeeeess

Judging from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most popular to women are:
1) Why all men are disgusting pigs
&
2) How to attract men

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'pedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

I went to school one day dressed up like a fat man with a unibrow....no one noticed me 😆 😆 the looks from teachers were priceless hahaha

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," the wife snapped as she walked out the door.

"Please babe don't go," He pleaded. "Think of our son."

"What son?" She said.

"You're not pregnant?"

Andy walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?"

"Its a red wine sauce I've made." The wife pointed her finger towards him and said, "Have a taste."

Andy said, "That's fucking disgusting."

"Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my ass with that one."

The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room."

After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, an old couple goes to bed. Many of the guests at the party are spending the night in the house.

"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years ago?" asks the husband. "How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe you were still a virgin?"

"I remember," says the wife. "What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get it up?"

Male Prostitute Rates For Female Customers:

$ 50 to talk dirty.

$ 100 to have sex.

$ 500 to listen.

A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.

"I need a woman to suck my d*ck," he tells the madame.

"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.

The sailor goes into a room with the whore, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:

"It's not getting hard, you know," says the whore.

"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"

"The fat one's winning."

The wife : "What did you buy me for my birthday?"

"Well," I chuckled. "You see that white Mercedes over there?"
"Yes," she said happily.

"Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour."

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes"

and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

The text from my daughter read "OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!"

My response was "Now you've said that I bet you've no idea how hard I am wink.gif"

She replied "It's raining...

In response to the first posting on here, men may or may not be disgusting pigs but they are still on average richer than women so I guess that that is why women still find them attractive.