Update on Libra Boyfriend

About two weeks ago I came here asking advice on my boyfriend who had seemingly disappeared whilst in the middle of a cross-country move from his city to mine. I'd promised an update, so here we go!

Not long after I posted here, he finally called. He apologized profusely for going MIA, and explained that he and his friend had gotten pulled over for drunk driving. Kind of a long story with that one, but I'd be happy to tell it to anyone interested. Basically, although he wasn't behind the wheel, the cops assigned 20% of the blame on him for letting his friend drive drunk and they were both punished. His friend got 15 days detention, a 5000rmb fine and his license suspended for 6 months. My boyfriend got a 2000rmb fine and 12 points taken off of his license. They decided to go back to their orginal city to deal with everything since his friend needed a laywer and it would be easier to deal with in their home province. He said he didn't call me or text me about it because he didn't realize it would take so long, and he thought I wouldn't believe him if he called and told me what was going on while he was still en route back to his home city.

He is still there, though. Since he was docked 12 points, he has to retake a driving safety class and retake the written portion of the driving exam. The classes are mandatory, and take a week's time, but he can't start them until the police physically release his license from their possession. I was able to do a bit of research about traffic laws here, and conferred with a friend who is a police officer, and everything he says matches up. He was also able to show me his ticket via webcam. I took his ID number down the the traffic police for them to look it up, and sure enough he is in their database.

We are still having issues with communication, though. For me personally, if I'm in a rough spot, the one person I want to talk to is my significant other. But he apparently needed to hibernate in his head through all of this, and it took me a long time to learn that. He would answer my texts or calls about once I day, but I could tell it was begrudgingly. Eventually we had a fight about it (and a few other issues... he actually yelled... eep!) and he said that although he understands where I'm coming from, he can't understand why I can't just NOT call for awhile, and he thought that me always wanting to talk to him was me being mistrusting, insecure and "being bad to him" (being good/bad to someone is a common phrase in Chinese that's a bit hard to convey in English, sorry). Gotta say, he wasn't wrong. I backed off immediately afterwards and just let him be. He didn't contact me for about three days after our fight, but when he did eventually call, it was like nothing ever happened. Now he calls every one or two days -- he gives me an update on his license (should be released on Tuesday, he can start classes on Thursday) and I give him a light pep talk. Today he told me, "Just wait for me to get all this mess sorted out, and things will be better, I promise." I'm going to have to just trust that.

A lot of folks expressed concern that he's been scamming me, but he actually deposited rent money into my bank account last week. Not a small sum, either. The last time we video chatted, he looked horrible... he's losts a lot of weight, bags under his eyes, etc., so he's certainly not having fun. Overall, looks like this guy is certainly no stranger to the infamous Disappearing-Reappearing Libran act.

Posted by tiziani
Yeah I was wondering what hapoened with you.

You also subscribed to my list.

When things aren't going to plan for me, I woukd rather not have to talk about it. It just takes away time and energy from actually fixing it.

Sorry about not taking any further action with you and your website. 🙂 My VPN service is out and I'm without email access for the minute.

I'm glad to hear that you're also rather keen on time alone, though. Seeing that it's a common trait settles me down immensely.

Another failure type Libra dude.

Why waste time? Sounds like he makes poor life choices and treats you like a burden that he only wants around at his convenience. Not discrediting wanting space, but how he's behaved is effing stupid and immature. I'd be heading for the hills after this- dude's got some problems.

lol @ Tiz's list. He's the last one who should be running an advice site for anyone, tbh.

The situation with this dude is really fucking strange, OP. I find it sad that you're tolerating all these sob stories. So far, every Libra that I've known that's been a "victim" or had some sort of "woe is me" sob story usually aren't ones to keep around or have as a reliable source of anything, ESPECIALLY a relationship. The whole trend of making poor life choices doesn't really change.

Hell, it's a trend I've noticed with anyone who has ever mostly been "woe is me" sob story where NOTHING ever goes their way and it's always some dramatastic bs behind why, yet again, they can't get their shit together. They are usually the main source of their own problems.

...And you want to room up with this guy? It's a virtual relationship and you're already having to worry about him doing dipshit things like be with a friend while drunk driving? WHO does that?

*slow clap* Way to pick, em, OP. Find a dude who has his shit together. Life's too complicated to keep people around like this. Sounds like you got sucked into a fantasy and now you're seeing the real guy here. Not so shiny and great, is it?

Okay, here's the back story with the drinking. Boyfriend is Muslim so drinking isn't a part of his culture. He's had drinks before, but says that it only takes him a bottle of beer before getting drunk. TBH, that sort of lack of tolerance isn't uncommon here anyway. But he knows that I like to drink and that drinking (note drinking, not necessarily getting drunk) is a big part of my culture and lifestyle, and he's expressed a great interest in wanting to experience alcohol with me, my friends and family.

Drinking and driving in China, unfortunately, is so common that it's scary. I've had luncheons with Chinese collegues where we'd kill a bottle of baijiu (very strong alcohol not unlike vodka) then folks would get in their cars and drive back to work, in the middle of the day. The new president has been cracking down on this behavior, though, since it's obviously a problem.

So, they reach the destination province, his friend (non-Muslim) wants a drink to celebrate. He buys a bottle of alcohol that I know well -- it comes in a small bottle, about 250ml, tastes like brandy and is about 40-50% depending on the brand. Boyfriend decides he wants to participate, gets drunk really quick, realizes he can't drive. His friend insists he's okay to drive, so they get in the car, with boyfriend sleeping in the back. Obviously his friend wasn't okay to drive, and the rest played out as so.

Did he make a stupid decision? Fuck yes. But I'm no stranger to making a seemingly minor stupid decision that ended up putting my life on the fritz for a long time. Sometimes, shit really does happen. I've seen other friends and my own brother get into similar situations, where folks such as yourself, who really know nothing about the person, would unjustly judge them or abandon them.

The situation is strange, I'll admit, and I'm sure it seems even stranger to the people on this forum where it's really hard to explain a lot of cultural influences that are in play, but I'm not going to just run for the hills here. As far as his poor life decision goes, this isn't just some "woe is me" sob story. From what I can see, he's been manning up and facing his consequences. He's going through all the right steps to get his license back, paying his dues, paying his rent in preparation to get here, etc. He hasn't been asking anything from me except to hold tight and let him get his shit sorted out.

The problem we've been having is the communication issues -- communicating exactly what "hold tight" means to the other person. Is he all puppy dogs and rainbows? No. But neither am I. And because of this whole fiasco, we've been able to figure out how each other reacts in intense situations like this (ie, him turning more and more inward and me reaching more and more outward). In the end, we BOTH felt like the other person was doing something wrong. We fought about it. We found a balance.

Shit happens, life happens. You say life is too complicated to keep him around -- I say life is too complicated to shrug him off.

You're just desperate, tbh.

All I'm seeing is you making excuse after excuse for inexcusable behavior.

You no longer have leeway to come here and complain about his bullshit behavior. You're tolerating it and making excuses when your emotions are the ones being fucked with.

Have fun with that and stfu from here on out.

Also, I'm sorry that you think you don't deserve a guy who's not so full of shit.

Posted by rockyroadicecream


You no longer have leeway to come here and complain about his bullshit behavior.
Have fun with that and stfu from here on out.

It's funny... you speak like you have any sort of say in who participates here. For a minute I thought maybe you're just trolling around here, but that's giving you too much credit.

Choosing to see things from the other person's perspective, being able to be understanding and forgiving, and working towards peace and harmony is neither desparation nor is it making excuses. You have a lot of hate in you, and your berating language and abusive mannerisms are 10x worse than anything this guy has done. I'd take a million of him before I'd take one of you.

You talk about what I do and do not deserve -- what I DON'T deserve is to be talked down to and berated by YOU. I've yet to find a post of yours that's anything other than downright nasty and disgusting. I hope one day you feel better, and also hope that one day you're capable of finding compassion for your fellow human beings.

My boyfriend is human. Humans make mistakes. Maybe it's just my Libra moon talking, but I'm more than happy to hear him and before making a rash judgement on him.

You're 23. You'll learn one day. 🙂

Until then, have fun with this garbage.

rockyroadicecream is right. u deserve wat you get

Posted by MrBalance

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Another failure type Libra dude.

Why waste time? Sounds like he makes poor life choices and treats you like a burden that he only wants around at his convenience. Not discrediting wanting space, but how he's behaved is effing stupid and immature. I'd be heading for the hills after this- dude's got some problems.

lol @ Tiz's list. He's the last one who should be running an advice site for anyone, tbh.

The situation with this dude is really fucking strange, OP. I find it sad that you're tolerating all these sob stories. So far, every Libra that I've known that's been a "victim" or had some sort of "woe is me" sob story usually aren't ones to keep around or have as a reliable source of anything, ESPECIALLY a relationship. The whole trend of making poor life choices doesn't really change.

Hell, it's a trend I've noticed with anyone who has ever mostly been "woe is me" sob story where NOTHING ever goes their way and it's always some dramatastic bs behind why, yet again, they can't get their shit together. They are usually the main source of their own problems.

...And you want to room up with this guy? It's a virtual relationship and you're already having to worry about him doing dipshit things like be with a friend while drunk driving? WHO does that?

*slow clap* Way to pick, em, OP. Find a dude who has his shit together. Life's too complicated to keep people around like this. Sounds like you got sucked into a fantasy and now you're seeing the real guy here. Not so shiny and great, is it?

Why don't you STFU for once— Such a troll seriously... You literally are in EVERY Libra thread. Not my fault you are missing Libra D. Go accomplish something in your life you desperate loser. You're literally going to turn all these women into cockblockers and make the world a worse place than it already is. So chill the fuck out and ice your fucking head.

click to expand

lol

Must be taking shit personally dude. You haven't posted here in eons and this is what you come back around with? Who's the one who needs to "ice" their head?

You're off your meds, dude.

Oh geez you two, just bang it out! >😢

I don't think getting pulled over for drunk driving explains things. You said it should've only taken 2 days to drive from his city to yours, but it was, what, over a week before he gave you this story about getting pulled over, correct? Prior to that he was making other excuses like the car being slow? And he would never tell you where he was when you did talk? Not to mention his family being out of the loop too and his brother thinking he hadn't even left. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe to the point of being too trusting or accepting, but I get an odd feeling from all this. Disclaimer: I could be biased because my Libra ex lied a lot when he was supposed to be traveling to come to me (and in general). Perhaps you could examine if there is any kind of pattern of odd behavior, things not adding up, stories having holes in them, etc. And what does your intuition tell you if you try to strip away the attachment to wanting him to be the person you hope he is?

Oh and I thought you said in your other thread that you have been helping him with things like finding him a job & giving him money?

Well, the job just kinda fell into place. He'd been looking for one in the city prior to the move and he didn't know about the connection I had until I told him about the offer. I did give him a bit of money, but that has stopped.

It should have taken about two to three days in a normal car, four or five in a clunker, especially if he had to stay off the highway. BUT, the missing days where he should have been in my city were the days that he was driving back to his home city to deal with the legal stuff, which was also the point in time where he wasn't contacting me. He said he didn't want to call/talk about it until he knew exactly what would happen so he could give me a detailed explanation. (Not excusing his behavior or saying what he did was right, just explaining it.)

I've done a lot of examining, as you suggested, and there are really no holes in any other stories, no odd patterns, etc. His family has confirmed details of his life events, but his brother did say that he gets weird under high-stress situations. As for his current story, all the facts seem to be checking out. I took his ID number down to the traffic police and had them run a search, and he IS in their database, dates match up. I've also talked to a few friend in local law enforcement and they confirmed that something seemingly as simple as getting your license back with a clean slate, which is supposed to take about two weeks when it's all said and done (including the mandatory classes), could take a month or more depending on the mood and workload of the traffic officers.

This whole thing with his license has just been one big waiting game. The bureau he needs to go to is outside of the city limits, and the attourney working on his case is also working with four other guys in similar situations. So every morning, they all get on a bus to go out there to line up and wait for the place to open. When it opens, they wait in more lines to find out information on the status of their licenses. If anyone wants to make/take a phone call, they have to go outside and then start again from the back of the line. He said he spends about 4-5 hours just waiting in line only to be told to come back again tomorrow. I know how sketchy that sounds, but it really does check out. There are TONS of horror stories online about people in similar situations having to go through the exact same thing, people ranting on their blogs and asking if there's anthing to do to speed up the process, etc. I too have experienced the whole "wait in line for a whole day only to be turned down before it's my turn" thing dealing with my visa... and there are waaay fewer foreigners here than locals.

He's been sleeping in internet cafes or crashing at acquaintance's places. He often goes days without eating or can only afford to eat bread and water. Actually, I just got back from seeing him. A very nice friend paid for a plane ticket and hotel room to go out there. He smelled as bad as he looked. He said he hadn't showered in three days. He took an hour-long shower and ate like a starved dog. So, whatever he's going through, it's certainly been taking its toll on him. He told me more details about what's going on and we talked about how he's been behaving, especially towards me. Then he let his emotions out to the point where he got up and walked away so I wouldn't see his tears.

Honestly, he's been taking his frustrations out on me lately. I told him I really didn't appreciate it. One of my Chinese friends told me, "It's because he's comfortable with you. He can't express his negative emotions to strangers or his attourney or his friends because he needs to always show them grattitude." I understand that viewpoint... I don't like it and it doesn't really make it easier, but I understand.

I guess bottom line is, if he was in it for my cash I feel like he would have been hitting me up for money this whole time. And if he just wanted the relationship to be over, it would have ended by now. I may not know *exactly* what he's going through, and it's hard to ge

... get through the walls he's putting up with whatever it is that's happening over there. BUT, so far his actions all indicate that he's still doing everything he can to get here.

It seems like you are doing a lot of rationalizing. Don't be too trusting, protect yourself just in case he's not all you hope he is. He could be not solely in it for cash but still in it for what you can do for him. You help him financially, to get a job, potentially with a place to stay, with food, with being a shoulder to cry on, an outlet for his frustrations, etc - what does he do for you? Do you truly feel deep down that all his problems are due to unavoidable circumstances or to growing up poor in China & that it's not that HE attracts problems or copes with them poorly? My Libra ex who took advantage of me rarely asked for anything. It was just one sad story after another, many of which were based on truth & seemed legit & not his fault at the beginning, which made me volunteer to do things to help. As someone said earlier, the cleverest con man goes slowly & makes you think helping him (doesn't have to be all financial help) is your idea. I'm not trying to judge your boyfriend just because of how mine was, but your long explanations for his behavior make me worry that you are actually trying to convince yourself when subconsciously you see red flags.

Posted by Rowan
It seems like you are doing a lot of rationalizing. Don't be too trusting, protect yourself just in case he's not all you hope he is. He could be not solely in it for cash but still in it for what you can do for him. You help him financially, to get a job, potentially with a place to stay, with food, with being a shoulder to cry on, an outlet for his frustrations, etc - what does he do for you? Do you truly feel deep down that all his problems are due to unavoidable circumstances or to growing up poor in China & that it's not that HE attracts problems or copes with them poorly? My Libra ex who took advantage of me rarely asked for anything. It was just one sad story after another, many of which were based on truth & seemed legit & not his fault at the beginning, which made me volunteer to do things to help. As someone said earlier, the cleverest con man goes slowly & makes you think helping him (doesn't have to be all financial help) is your idea. I'm not trying to judge your boyfriend just because of how mine was, but your long explanations for his behavior make me worry that you are actually trying to convince yourself when subconsciously you see red flags.

Agreed. All I see is a lot of excuses and making up reasons why it should be "poor him." Sorry, but people who I meet, all who have sob story after sob story and "woe is me" end up being the source of their own problems and after awhile, you get sick of trying to help them.

And you called it- Her long, drawn out answers aren't to convince us, it's to convince herself. I think her gut is telling her something is wrong, but she's so desperate to make this shell of a relationship work and make it worth all her time and effort.

...hence the "you're 23" comment. She just doesn't know any better yet and thinks it's okay to make excuses for strange behavior from a guy she really doesn't know as well as she'd hope.

Sure, it'd be nice if it was just him having a rough patch, but if his own family says he does strange shit when stressed, she should really, really pay attention to that. This was a good indicator of what to expect in the near future, tbh. The way he handled everything was fucking atrocious. He's already showing high disregard for her feelings with such blatant inconsideration of no contact the whole time he was off being a fuck up.

Posted by ackeibler


1) Yeah, I met him. I was angry at him (and angrier at myself) when I landed and he wasn't there, but I decided to stay the night in a hotel and head back in the morning rather than head back that same night. He got in contact with me that evening and apologized profusely, and asked me to wait for him in the hotel for a couple of days. I did so... didn't have anything better to do at that point... and eventually he did show up. He had a very good explanation for not being there, although it's a very long and personal story that I'm not too comfortable posting here. But regardless, the evidence he provided to back up his explanation was more than sufficient.

We spent several days together, and he planned on taking me back to his hometown to chill with his family, but the roads were closed due to heavy snows and hazardous conditions, so I ended up returning to my "home" city early.

3) He's a cowherd, so he doesn't have much money to begin with, especially in the winter. He also lost his wallet and the majority of his cash when we were on bus between cities.

This was from the previous thread.

Point one sounds like a repeat of what's currently been happening. Same stupid shit on his part, same making excuses approach on hers.

This is a match made in heaven.