Withdrawn Libra Bf

Hi everyone, sorry if this might be long but I really need to understand what I can do.

Ive been with my libra for 3 years. In the last year we've taken a lot of breaks because i have pressure from family due to personal reasons to think of marriage. However I am mostly happy with the way things are with my bf and I. He says he does see me in his life/future, but cannot take active steps to go the full way and commit because we've long distanced the past year and he'd like it if we were together more and just went back to having things the way they were when we were together in the same city. Our breaks have been short and have occurred mutually with a lot of hesitance. I would always see through his confusion and indecisiveness and give him space. My libra would always come back saying he cannot find anyone better than me. We've rarely fought through these circumstances and mostly maintained it at discussion level.

I have been the best version of myself in the relationship. My libra male is a little slow to catchup and anything I have ever wanted to say to him I would do it in a manner in which I explain things from my perspective and then try to understand and incorporate his perspective and let it be. He has always appreciated that.

Day 1: About a week ago, I had a family situation that did not involve anything to do with my dating life/settling down. My mum and I had a horrific fight. My BF has had the same sort of history with his mother. That night when he called I cried to him and he just said strange things like " i told you, to move out", I have just come back home after living away for 10 years. I am extremely independent but sometimes in the presence of family get embroiled in family issues. He stays with his family but has cut off contact with his mother, and yet he constantly says I am not independent and I need to draw boundaries. I am a therapist, and have anxious parents, who cannot understand boundaries. I have taken his perspective into consideration and understand what he is trying to say but I cannot just walk out on my family given the current circumstance. While I was crying, I hung up on him twice, abruptly because I just needed to get my shit together, and he even pointed out " come on man you cannot do this, don't just hangup like that" i apologised politely.

Day 2: The next day I called up to check on him and he sounded off. I asked him if he was fine and he said " I am rethinking this relationship, things are just going around in circles". I have not had family issues in forever, not of this magnitude atleast. So I was very confused and tried to justify that it was just an event where shit went down. Later that day I tried contacting him to find out more about what upset him exactly. He declined my call and so I left him a voice message saying, I really dont know what it is that upset him and wish he told me. And that he cannot keep walking away and using that as a way to punish me when I dont know what has gone wrong. he deliberately ignored my messages. I then left him a message saying if he is going to walk out like this it is better to break up because I am beating myself up and cannot understand what is happening.

Day 3: I did not message or contact him.

Day 4: I had a situation that led me to just contact him for a minute, to ask a question. I told him in passing that I wish he told me what I have done wrong because I am really upsetting myself. Later that day I called him multiple times ( after I realised he was actively ignoring me).

When he answered I told him clearly " Look you know I am not the clingy type, I am more than happy to let you be. But please understand that I just want to know what went wrong that day? Was it the fact that I hung up ? Or that I was just too much to handle ? Please talk to me?"

He said " I dont want to talk about it because I know you will get mad and please please don't overthink" And I assured him I wouldn't. Then he said " I just think you need to take control of your situation and walk out of home. I have been where you are and have taken charge of my situation and cut off ties with my mum. I know its difficult but I am with great difficulty preventing myself from talking to you. It isnt that i dont like you this is really really hard for me to do, but I feel like for as long as I am around I am allowing you to just get on with things without changing them ( Basically tough love). I feel like if i distance myself you will be forced to act on your situation. And come on man, we know each other for three years, I am not going to hold petty things like cutting the phone against you. I know if i just tell you how I'm feeling emotionally and you tell me how you feel emotionally we will go back to normal in a jiffy and we will be happy, as we have always been. the past couple of months have been really great. But I am trying to prevent that situation. I have no problems with you and don't want you to apologise. But I just want to rethink and don't want you to have any hopes of getting back. I think maybe we should take it slow. But, I just don't know right now. I just want space" .

I replied saying " You are a fully grown man, and i do agree with you I am not trying to be sweet and suck up to you but I genuinely see your point, but my circumstances are different. I will be moving out around june. And I don't want to convince you to get back because you are an adult fully capable of making your own decisions."

He said " wow but 'une i a whole month away" I don't know if he implied by moving out to move to his city ( which is 3 hours away, and I meet him on a monthly basis).

I went onto say that in the nicest way I could " look I know you feel like you have reason right now to push yourself away and maybe you do. But I just want to tell you that you cant keep using this as a threat, it makes me feel cornered. I am on board with you on most things and you know that. But you've used this in the past and so i thought maybe it was something I did wrong and thats why I had to approach you multiple times, I had no clue it was because you wanted me to get a hint and I wish you told it to me so I could understand what went wrong.

At this time he was blocked on social media, and he is aware that I normally do that during breaks so I have control myself and don't go around stalking.

Apart from the 3 back to back calls I made just to understand what I did wrong. I didn't speak rudely or horribly and was composed. I apologised and he even asked " why are you speaking to me so nicely, it makes me feel like you depend on me" and I replied saying " I don't depend on you and if you want space I can give it to you, I am just really afraid I couldn't understand what was going on, and won't disturb you hereafter".

Note: My bf has a history of putting two and two together and making his own theory, his friends have faced similar issues with him. His best friend said she's encountered this issue with him multiple times and leaving him alone has always made him realise how ridiculous he has been. It's been 4 days, I haven't texted him or disturbed him. I really miss him and I don't know if he is turned off by my crying incident or that he is just trying to evaluate our relationship or is re-grouping. This is the first time I am encountering something like this.

Normally when he disappears its just because he has been busy or confused and I let him be. But given that I have a role to play in this situation I really want to know what is going on and what I can do ?

Posted by Squishy_Marshmallow
You guys in India, right?
How old are you guys?

I am a third culture kid, currently in India. I'm 27 and he is 26.

The user who posted this message has hidden it.

Sounds like we're on the same boat then huh? It is madness.

Firstly thank you for being so responsive and trying to understand my take on things. You know how these forums can be so direct sometimes and too honest to handle with people going " you deserve better move on" well if I have no choice, I will have to eventually do that, but that's not my question 😛

My family has calmed down significantly. I am very ambitious. Ive done two masters across different countries and hope to get into a phd program which is what I am working towards. I am taking this year off, so I comfortably travel to visit him when needed. I do not think I will be married before the end of next year, and my family has accepted that. They see how I am academically capable and have also seen how much the pressure has made me unhappy so they've backed out a little. I do see a future with him, but I don't want to push things one way. i am flexible at this point. I just want to be us to have a relationship right now, what happens later will. I do wish he was less indecisive sometimes and just offered me unconditional committment so I can atleast tell my family that look I have a bf ( his family knows, and he thinks me telling my family, will fastrack things to marriage).

I spent the last year in Australia and the time difference gave us hell. He even came down to visit me during my stay, which was the best thing that happened, it is the most anyone has ever done for me.

Now that I am back I make the effort to meet him. But for him this is still long distance you know? since we stay 3 hours away.

We are amazingly compatible. Just the best of friends. He comes back every time because he always says " you are the best, so accommodative, so funny. I feel like talking to you and when I dont, I miss you because you are the funniest person I know and the only person who is so understanding and capable of uplifting my mood." And I feel the same way about him. He is so kind and loving, a little immature sometimes but I never judge or scream at him for any immature behaviour. I always find a way to explain.

Posted by Squishy_Marshmallow

Posted by sushmitais4eva
The user who posted this message has hidden it.



Sounds like we're on the same boat then huh? It is madness.

Firstly thank you for being so responsive and trying to understand my take on things. You know how these forums can be so direct sometimes and too honest to handle with people going " you deserve better move on" well if I have no choice, I will have to eventually do that, but that's not my question



My family has calmed down significantly. I am very ambitious. Ive done two masters across different countries and hope to get into a phd program which is what I am working towards. I am taking this year off, so I comfortably travel to visit him when needed. I do not think I will be married before the end of next year, and my family has accepted that. They see how I am academically capable and have also seen how much the pressure has made me unhappy so they've backed out a little. I do see a future with him, but I don't want to push things one way. i am flexible at this point. I just want to be us to have a relationship right now, what happens later will. I do wish he was less indecisive sometimes and just offered me unconditional committment so I can atleast tell my family that look I have a bf ( his family knows, and he thinks me telling my family, will fastrack things to marriage).



I spent the last year in Australia and the time difference gave us hell. He even came down to visit me during my stay, which was the best thing that happened, it is the most anyone has ever done for me.

Now that I am back I make the effort to meet him. But for him this is still long distance you know? since we stay 3 hours away.



We are amazingly compatible. Just the best of friends. He comes back every time because he always says " you are the best, so accommodative, so funny. I feel like talking to you and when I dont, I miss you because you are the funniest person I know and the only person who is so understanding and capable of uplifting my mood." And I feel the same way about him. He is so kind and loving, a little immature sometimes but I never judge or scream at him for any immature behaviour. I always find a way to explain.

Kinda yes but I don't have a guy and I don't think I will meet anyone. I have this weird feeling I'm going to end up alone lol.

Yeah I feel he's right, because you know how it is. Your parents will put pressure on him to get married. He's 26. I think give it another year and this will fall in place.

And yeah studies are super important. I'm not sure if I would do a doctorate. I'm kinda tired and looking to have things easy.

You know I been living on my own since I'm 17 lol we have some similarities there.
And nah, stay with your parents. Let them have you around for some time. Once you are married you won't get this chance...
He will come back and I think you guys are good together. Don't worry...
And yeah most people give advice based on what's accepted by majority rather than what the OP wants.

click to expand

click to expand

Haha, I don't think you'll end up alone. Most people who feel they will always magically find someone. Moreover, I think its the generation we live in. We either have to have amazing networking skills to find the right person through connections or then its tinder. And theyre both a little extreme. There is no bumping into people and finding "the one".

Thankyou for your reassuring words. My only fear is that he has never been this cold. I do passively push him sometimes but most of the times i am a no demands sort of a person. I don't know if he thinks I have expectations and he needs to review whether this is for him or not. But we have been great. And I dont know if the cold behaviour is coming out of " let me keep pushing myself away so maybe I can see if we can actually breakup this time". It is actually making me very anxious. Normally when we are on a break, he still likes my pictures and stuff. But the past two times I blocked him because I was losing my shit. I don't know if this is his ego getting hurt or something, but he certainly didnt sound like his ego was hurt. He just sounded like he had made the wrong inferences, and I didn't feel like I could correct him.

I hope this ends soon...

Also the thing was, in the last call and messages he sounded very irritated. Which was what makes me overthink so much and the fact that he said " Oh don't have hopes" How can I not ?