Jealousy?

Question to all:

Assuming you have a significant other, what would your feelings be were they to have had a strong relationship with someone of your gender before your own, and then to have that person force her to choose between you or them- and to have your significant other continually get upset, and after awhile stop going to you for support, only to settle things with said person in their own way and talk about them to you or to talk to them instead of you, all the while reassuring you of your place in their life- your place of love above all, saying this friend of theirs in need- but all the while not a single display of your own affection returned, save in a rare e-mail that's longer than a sentence?

Am I being had? Or am I just being jealous over something I've continually been told is nothing, that I have no competition? Whatever is going on, I'm very bothered, and I doubt my botheredness is going to stop. Especially after tonight, where they apparently had a perverted conversation, and she openly admitted to me early on in the relationship that he holds her greatest sexual fantasy. God, could a person ever feel like less than I do now? I want this relationship to work- I've put so much into it, and I see hints that I might get it back- but I feel so unwanted compared to this close friend of hers.

Of course, this friend helped her through the most difficult stage of her life...but...she won't even let me help her. I suppose, it's a young relationship (as in, only since June, and we're both teenagers). I will do what I can to be patient, but I HATE the feeling that I'm being played like a fiddle so this friend will become jealous of me and want her, at which point I WILL be nothing.

And I have no one to talk to about this. No one ever seems to be around or willing to listen when I have crisies.

First off, if she was to cheat on you or fall out of 'love' with you suddenly. It would happen regardless of what you do because you cant 'force' things to happen. So the point is, if she really loves you then she wouldnt have to 'choose' in the first place. I know some people are going to be like, 'Well, nobody can really forget their ex's.' true. But that's where there's that line comes. If she really loves you, then you know the whole deal. But if she does something that doesnt please you or puts you in a uncomfortable situation where it's ME or HIM, then treetrunk it. **hug** Hope things go okay tho!

okay woops, hehe erase the whole ex deal. Same deal though.

First off you are completely justified in your feelings. If I were you I'd be extremely put out, but then I'm an obsessive posessive Leo. I don't know what you can do though, like luz said, there's nothing reall you can d that will affect if she will suddenly fall out of love with you or decide to get together with her "friend". But at the same time I think I can understand her sitation, and her not wanting to give up the closeness of either relationship with either you or him. It's like consolidating affections. I don't know what to tell you. It seems like you need to have a long talk with her.

You have every right to be jealous; I would be too. You need to find someone who is emotionally available to you; you need a solid foundation for a relationship and that takes BOTH partners being willing to make a COMMITMENT. When you are making a commitment you are making a pledge to make the relationship work. Are you equally committed?

I feel your pain Josh, but I have no answers.

Yep, that was a more honest answer than mine; i really had to struggle for an answer.

Equally committed...what does that really mean? I write her an e-mail every night for her to wake up to- my idea from a while back- and her idea to counter was that she would try to call me as often as she could, since I'm restricted to Wal-Mart phone card minutes and she has a good long-distance plan. I also write her a letter every week, another mushy idea of mine.

(She plays solitaire a lot with real cards, and she was having a lonely time for a bit when I came around, so I surprised her by sending her a letter and a playing card with the back scratched off and something kind or otherwise amusing written in, so that by the time 52 weeks went by in our relationship, she would have 52 letters and have it feel as though I were there whenever she was lonely enough to play solitaire.)

Anyhow, she talks about this Nick character a lot on the phone, mostly about how upset it makes her not to be close to him, and I suppose I should be the caring, understanding boyfriend. But, last night she blew me off to talk to him, and she's been talking to him nonstop all week since they patched things up- including a phone conversation where the only conversation, no matter how hard I tried to keep up my end, in which she simply read her IMs to him and his back to her, about the anguish in his life of his best friend (a girl) getting a boyfriend and leaving him high and dry. Personally, it takes less than a fool to notice that the most she has ever done for me that could be labeled 'affection' is to send me a few 1-or-2 line e-mails. She says it is so much easier to show affection in person.

Well, after all that's gone on, I say that for the time being, Nick is only a problem if I let him be a problem. So, for the sake of being a good boyfriend and what I thought was between her and I- and what I still think is between her and I, and know that I'm still bitten by the love bug something fierce- I am just plain going to do my best to ignore the treetrunker.

Ehhh. . . By the way you describe it. . . :/

Good luck

Nicks can be sly people sometimes. . . *sigh*

Dear Josh, seems to me that your girlfriend has got a choice to make. Perhaps not an easy one, and perhaps she?ll make the wrong one. Would you feel better if you gave her some time off - to miss YOU?

That's exactly what I'm going to attempt to do....but, it's not so easy for me to bottle things up at this stage in my life. I will probably get better with practice, and so I am starting by giving her a couple of days to herself. But, it will probably end up being more like a couple of days of Nick. In the meantime, I'll be attending to myself and working out how to make myself happy without her once again, and possibly even considering a breakup so I CAN find somebody more emotionally availabe and less content between two men (though I hardly call myself a man). I realise she must be feeling that it can't possibly get any better than having the both of us tell her we love her, though of course in different ways, but that's practically the female version of bigamy. And I just don't do that. I'd hurt him if I let it brew long enough.

What I mean by "in different ways" is that the other night he left a conversation telling her he loved her, but she said to me of course it was "just" as a friend, and that his love and my love are like apples and...carrots: completely unrelated. However, she said she loved him, too. Though she did say that she told him it was awkward saying that to anyone but her boyfriend. However, she has also said that now she is completely comfortable with it. I don't care whether or not it means anything, I'm uncomfortable with it and she's going to know it every step of the way.

Until she probably breaks up with me for being an obsessive, jealous, and possessive weirdo who just cannot possibly understand her life and her situation.

Do not make her choice easier by being obsessive, jealous and possessive. That wouldn?t be in your favour, would it?

It's the symbolic statement giving her time to think about things makes. It lets her know I'm uncomfortable sharing her with another guy.

Josh, honestly, you are on your own. None of the usual-stupid-counterattacks-advice would ease your heartache anyway. All I can suggest is that you try for some distance for a while, after all; in this case you aren?t the one making the decisions.
All my best to you!

P.S. I didn?t mean you shouldn?t vent your feelings on this site, and the others might want to have a say! Come on, folks - you?ve been there too, haven?t you?

Ok, what i mean by 'equally committed' is that you both make the decision and resolution to put some work in the relationship; it's like a pact or to be equally committed to each other. Just look up 'commitment' in the dictionary. That's what i meant: that are the two of you equally enthuesastic about the relationship? It doesn't sound like it to me. It seems like you are making more effort than she is to keep the 'ties' there. That's what i meant by 'commitment'... to be committed to keeping the ties there and keeping the feelings alive. Do you understand what i mean now? When i said 'commitment', i meant 'commitment to each other'. I can't really explain it any clearer.

Oh yeh, if that was me i would tell her to treetrunk off.

Dearest Joshy,
My advice for what it's worth..is step back, step back, step back....you tell us you email her every nite, ring when you can, write her a weekly letter etc.....all beautiful and romantic - the stuff dreams are made of....BUT what are you getting in return? I know love is supposed to be unconditional....poppychicken!!!there are certain conditions attached. I think your good heart is being taken advantage of here....you yourself need to become "slightly unavailable" just for the moment anyway to Missy!!!! No more e-mails (until you get one from her and then you make it a quicky reply like she does!!), no more letters, OK the odd phone-call - you've got to make a bit of a mystery guy out of yourself...when and if she calls on the phone you say something like...hi honey, just rushing out! - will ring you later if I can - am meeting up with some guys and gals from my old school, or whatever "old" thing you can think of!!!! YOu've got to let her see and feel that she's not the centre of your universe!!! Life revolves spinningly for you without her:-)!!!! How can she miss you if you are constantly "there" for her??

Now to the Nick factor!!! Don't go giving any ultimatums - it's me or him stuff!!! Not good and won't work and will backfire perhaps. All you got to say to her on that front and say it emphaically...honey, he's a friend of yours. If you want him in your world and life, that's fair enough and your choice. But I don't want to hear what you've got to say about Nick anymore - he's not in world and that's the way I want it - so perhaps its best if you talk with other firends about Nick but not me!!!

When you are nice to certain people....they somstimes think it's not you that's being nice to them but that they are special.....

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh Josh......

Alana x

And I THIRD them....we always want what we can't have...why is that?

=)

^^^ It's all I've got to say. About EVERYTHING in reply to my stresses. I don't know how things will go, but I've got a date with her tomorrow night...but that's been planned for weeks upon weeks now.

Alright- well, I'm home now, on Christmas break, and this story needs an end...it's only fitting, considering the mind-blowing amounts of kind words and positive feedback that was quite frankly more helpful than I imagined anything from anyone could be. We resolved things on the phone earlier that afternoon, as much as can be done that way, which was quite a bit...and we went out rollerblading. Afterward, before going dancing and then to dinner, as per our plans, I was teaching her to waltz like I'd learned for a play but we ended up more like swaying in each others arms because she got frustrated and just wanted to be close to me. So, I said something to her about how much it just tore me apart inside to even consider her not wanting me as much as I wanted her, and in front of dozens of people, she started crying. Absolutely fell apart in my arms right there...although no one seemed to notice, but I was lost myself in the moment, trying to cheer my girl up while providing the shoulder to cry on- quite literally- something I've always wanted to do, since it's hard to picture myself being a "good" example of a guy without being able to give a shoulder to cry on.

Later on that night, since we spent a good six hours together, patching everything up and having fun, while we were lying together she said to me, "Josh, I can't say to you how much I love you every moment of every day especially when you're away and make you believe it. But I can say it now."

So, despite the fact that I almost lowered my record of only feeling the need to shed tears twice in five years, things could not possibly be more perfect in my love life now. You know why? It's because they are damned near perfect!

And now for your regularly scheduled Josh programming: The Goofy Kid Who Doesn't Talk Much.







....but, in all seriousness, thanks everybody. =) You really helped pull me through this. You got me thinking in the right directions. I appreciate that.

And for the record...the above story is VERY watered-down. *wink* Of course my life is more fun than I write on this board!

Think of your fellow man
Lend him a helping hand
Put a little love in your heart

You see it's getting late
Oh please don't hesitate
Put a little love in your heart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
You just wait and see

Another day goes by
And still the children cry
Put a little love in you heart
If you want the world to know
We won't let hatred grow
Put a little love in your heart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
You just wait and see
Wait and see

Take a good look around
And if you're lookin' down
Put a little love in your heart

I hope when you decide
Kindness will be your guide
Put a little love in your heart

And the world will be a better place
And the world will be a better place
For you and me
You just wait and see

Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in -
Put a little love in your heart...

Josh, I am glad that it went well the other night.

I don't know if you're still taking advice, etc...but if it were me, in your place, I would be very on guard until trust is thoroughly, one hundred percent established between both of you.

I can't stand the idea of the significant other being THAT close to another of the same sex that they're actually discussing sexual fantasies, etc. You said something about being a jealous possessive weirdo, and you're not. If you are, then I am, multiplied by a million. It's not okay...it's not acceptable, or it wouldn't be, for me. It would simply stop, or the relationship would. I strongly believe that the person you're with should be entirely loyal to only you, and passionate enough about you that they don't even have the energy to think about being with anyone else. Especially if you are treating her well. I can completely understand why you were feeling like second fiddle (and felt you were being played like one, too). I so hope that she appreciates you enough to knock off all this other stuff. Friends are one thing. Interference into your relationship is another. Just keep your guard up, while still letting her in. Be prepared, as much as you can be, for anything that might happen. I tend to agree with Libragirl here, if it were me the thing would already be over, but that's not saying that's necessarily the "right" way to handle it. Everyone's limits are different. Just make sure you're not compromising yourself or what you truly want from a relationship, to accomodate her. Because then...you're only half in a relationship with half of yourself, and from there it will only weaken, not strengthen.

Wishing you continued happiness, and also for updates. 🙂

Heatha

There has still been a lot of tensity since then...she talked for 10 hours online last night with this guy. We've never talked that long, even in person or on the phone. It makes me feel so much like I used to feel, back when I was actually considered shy. I used to not speak to anyone because I felt I had nothing worth anyone's while to say. I feel like that now, very often, when "talking" to Heather.

However, we've been having small breakthroughs since the date, and tonight my former stalker IMed me out of the blue after months of not talking, I told Heather the sad truth: that I feel my conversations with said stalker are much more fun and longer-lasting than mine with her. I offered, half in jest and half in truth, that perhaps it was because these conversations were so much more shallow. Heather said, "I would prefer deep ones, if you wouldn't get angry." She also told me that I was always angry or depressed going into conversations and, truthfully, I'm some degree better after we finish. Things, I do feel, are getting better, enough to consider them "going well" even, but there is a long way to go before I'm comfortable with her like I have been in the past. I realise, though, that the comfort in my relationship is not going to come from anything anybody on this board says. Nonetheless, I am thankful for all that has been said and will be said- it's so helpful.

First of all, she is giving Heathers all over a bad name. J/K...small smile.

The ten hours thing bothers me. To me, any amount of "deep discussion" with someone of the opposite sex is a certain type of disloyalty, even if it can't be considered outright cheating. I know Josh...it's true that sometimes no matter what anyone says, it can't break your mood. Believe me, I know. Just know, though, that a lot of us have been through very similar situations, and even if we aren't you, we know how you're feeling. I'm also feeling like sprinkle right now over "love stuff", so I can sympathize there.

So she said you're always angry or depressed going into conversations. I have a hard time picturing that, but then I don't know you that well, either. You just seem to be relatively upbeat, to me. Do you believe that's true about you, what she said? And if it is true...does it justify her actions? I'm not sure that it does. Now, sometimes I do understand an eye for an eye, tit for tat. But that's not exactly an equal tit for tat, there..."I'm going to talk to this other person for ten hours because you're always depressed" etc. No...it should be more like, "I'm going to talk to my boyfriend for ten hours because he seems depressed". I think.

I like your way better than hers. Hers is what angers or depresses me. But anyway, I'm at the point this morning where I could be single in 24 hours. So, I posted this here specifically to ask if any of you have any friends looking for a one-night stand type deal?

*Wink*

**Sigh**

All I know is what I told Heather: I'm through with feeling bad for any reason. If she wants me, she'd better start with the figurative bucket, because this relationship is sinking fast.

To clarify: The only part I told her was that I was through feeling bad. I am a realist- and that gets depressing at times- but I like laughing 'till I hurt, too. Not just hurting 'till I hurt...or something like that...

I think you told her the right thing. And from there, she can decide how worth fighting for you are, and the relationship is. And if she decides not in your favor, then you don't want her anyway.

Josh dear, my former input is still valid, I see. I?d send my favorite cousin to you if I could (a very bright and beautiful girl your age)to give you a small knock on the head and a hug or two - absalutely not for a one night stand though! Open your eyes and take a look at all the other nice and pretty girls around you. Don?t be fixed on the one with the hang-ups.