PTSD

Does anyone here suffer from PTSD? I finally have the answers to what’s been bugging me since my early 20s. I experienced a traumatic event when I was 22. I lived in an apartment with a Korean prostitute who was in the country illegally. I met her at the club when my drug dealer friend introduced me to her and he was her boyfriend and he asked me to move in with her to look after her because she didn’t speak English and had no friends.

Anyways she had an unlimited supply of crack cocaine and ice from the human traffickers that brought her to Australia. So me and her would be smoking it like it was nothing and we would smoke all day and all night and it got to the point where days and nights would pass and we couldn’t tell if the sun was rising or setting.

So I was really high and her boyfriend was really jealous because she got all free drugs and he came over and started a fight with her and she called the traffickers and they burst into our apartment and pulled guns out and beat the shit out in front of me

Not only that but cops burst into the apartment Minuites later and arrested us all and on top of that I saw a guy get stabbed in the neck with a sword and I had to fight off the intruder and save all my friends because they brought back a weird druggo.

So after all this shit happened I’m high as a kite and I had an argument with the Korean girl because I’m trying to convince her that everyone isn’t trying to kill her and I got so stressed and fed up that I screamed and I popped a gasket and set off my flight or fight response and it literally felt like the floor came out from underneath me and I was suddenly scared of everything.

I could see things in the corner of my eyes moving, I could see things moving in reflections, it’s like I could see every reflection in the room and there was something moving in it that wanted to kill me. My mind would even trick me and I would hallucinate things and I would have horrifying nightmares that I wasn’t able to wake up from even if my family tried to wake me they couldn’t. And I would be drenched in sweat every night. The worst part was not being able to exercise or dance or doing any of the things I loved doing because I just fell out of interest with them and life itself.

But then I started doing theatre and I even went to the library and started reading books from the self help section, it really pisses me off that my family knew something was wrong with me but no one took me to the hospital, I just got shunned and labeled the family loser who doesn’t have his shit together.

Anyways I’m so much better than what I was before and I feel like a new person, I don’t even care if it’s a false epiphany and I fall again because I know I had PTSD and it shaped my life the way it did. I have the answers and I’m amazed how common it is and I’m not alone.

hang in there man, that was unpleasant memories indeed.

like in the crime movies. but according to Nietzsche, you must be stronger now.

Thanks guys I’ve been learning heaps about Carl jung on YouTube because I feel like my subconscious communicates to me in amazing ways it’s like it’s almost magic, I’m pretty sure every time I see 11:11 it’s like my subconscious wants me to see it and is trying to tell me something from the other side.

Anyways it’s lead me to look up PTSD and I watched a TED talk and I cried because I felt like I finally had the answers and I understand that so many people go through it.

I remember watching American sniper and the scene where his wife was bugging him about something that he didn’t want to talk about and I was yelling at the TV “he doesn’t want to talk about it”! I could feel the pressure.

I am able to talk about it now, but there was so much shame inside me for the longest time and it felt like my throat chakra was blocked and that nothing would come out of my mouth, I’ve felt so defenceless through my 20s and it’s been exactly 10 years since I experienced the trauma and now I feel different like I’m ok.

The thing I understand is that I don’t need to put myself in stressful situations where I want to kill myself and that it’s ok to step back from shit because I recognise shit.