When friends disappear during a time of crisis?

I have noticed this "phenomenon" with people. You have a crisis and they disappear.

I found a few articles in regard to it. Psychologists consider it something that people do because they don't know how to help or what to say, so they avoid. ...like pussies.

However, people who have experienced it have considered it pure selfishness and self absorbed attitude.

Personally, while I do understand the former, the latter is one I agree with most. The whole scenario baffles me. It's understandable when you don't know how to help or what to say, but to completely disappear? How selfish do you have to be?

Do you think it's one, the other, or both? Excusable or not? Is it because our society has been conditioned to be way too passive in just about anything anymore?

I know, right? I've noticed that selfish trolls stick together with no problem. But that's okay. I kind of don't want them near me. They can flock over there in their selfish troll herd. Though it could leave one wondering how any friendship survives when both are taking more than giving. ...paradox??

It's because people are too dependent on others .. in times of need they become clingy ... people don't like that and would rather not have to deal with you when you become so emotional that you depend on someone else to support you.


I would suggest growing up, and taking care of your own feelings .. maybe then you wouldn't find people bailing on you when you need them.

Glad I blocked her. I can't be bothered reading such ignorance.

I think P-Angel's post would actually apply to vain or heartless people. Basically, people who don't take their friendships seriously. Which, people like that are out there. And those people, surprisingly, have friends.

I would stick around to a certain point, myself (I'm semi-heartless). If my friend was acting at the normal level of distress and upsetness, I would comfort them and be there for them. I like to help people, generally. However, If they were over the top in hysterics and would cry all the time and everywhere, I would have to back down. I can't take that many emotions. I get sucked into people's moods easily, and I don't want to end up in as negative as a place as my friend. Some may call that selfish, but honestly, if it comes to that point, I think they would need to see a professional counselor for help, anyway. Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

Posted by Scenic
Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

Not bad, but maybe learn to empathize a little more. It sounds as if you don't have much experience in hardships...? I've noticed that when people think like this, they haven't really suffered very many major blows that can occur in life. Also, based on the examples that you gave, I don't think we're seeing eye to eye on what counts as a "crisis" in regard to this topic. What you mentioned sounds like a break up situation. It's a crisis, but I'm thinking more serious than a break up, though people do tend to run away from that too. When I think crisis, I'm thinking of what TOC's friend is going through with her mom.

I saw this response a few times in discussions to the topic and the mindset of a lot of people is "boo negativity!" Well, that's life. Get used to it. If you think helping a friend gets to be too much because it's too "negative" it means you're just running from the misc. things that happen in life. And yes, that makes you selfish.

...Not that you have to be one's emotional crutch, but to high tail it out of there because you can't handle "negative" says a lot about your view of the world. Not being snarky, but it's just something to think about in regard to how you view it. If you prefer to continue to think like that, that's your thing.

In regard to the counseling bit, they can only do so much. Getting support from friends is an entirely different thing than seeing a counselor. They're two different worlds. However, if you are seeing behaviors and things that worry you about the friend in question, then yes, sometimes professional intervention is necessary.

Then why not at least try?

To keep it short and sweet
This is not a friend this is a goodtimer

People don't realize they place too much expectations--all of which are selfish--in all sorts of relationships. Failure to meet them causes pain.

Like, the world thinks that friends have to pick you up every time you fall. But the truth is friends don't have this obligation at all and shouldn't. A true friend would never place this expectation on another and appreciate them regardless of whether or not they can help. You're supposed to be happy with friends not drag them down because of your own helplessness.

If a friend helps its because they wanted to. Not because of some unwritten law.


Stop being selfish and weighing yourself down with expectations you don't tell your friends about.

Posted by cancepio
Something about this issue is disturbing me beyond belief.

1. The unwritten law doesn't force "friends" to be supportive,it defines what a friend is.
2. I agree that most people mistake acquaintances with friends, they over invest, expect too much and are often disappointed.

3. There is something about mislabelling relationships that just fuck me off. I was reading today that most women with terminal cancer get divorced within the first year. Imagine if a guy could say.. "Hey!.. i am your husband, promised you in sickness and in health, through thick and thin.. but your mistaken, I'm not obliged to be with you, to be supportive, to waste my life supporting someone i promised i would spend the rest of my life with.. you expected to much", your going to say.. sure.. live your life.. but question if he is selfish or not?.. seriously? are our morals so corrupt that selfishness has become reasonable? the norm? Some people have a talent in finding that grey area and they love it and love living in it.. that area that inspired infamous quotes like "yeah were going out together, yes we fucked a few times, but were not exclusive".

Call it what you may, colour it any shade of grey.. its bullshit, it stinks and without a doubt, just pure selfish, and in some occasions evil.

I agree, friendships are strengthened when life gets tough.

Posted by Amandus
People don't realize they place too much expectations--all of which are selfish--in all sorts of relationships. Failure to meet them causes pain.

Like, the world thinks that friends have to pick you up every time you fall. But the truth is friends don't have this obligation at all and shouldn't. A true friend would never place this expectation on another and appreciate them regardless of whether or not they can help. You're supposed to be happy with friends not drag them down because of your own helplessness.

If a friend helps its because they wanted to. Not because of some unwritten law.


Stop being selfish and weighing yourself down with expectations you don't tell your friends about.

You know what, just this.

Friends who disappear during a time of crisis are usually the same friends who come knocking on your door when they have issues of their own. I think you call them friend's parasites.

I kind of agree with P-Angel in a way. I was ready to come in here and say a whole lot about the people I know that do this-mostly family, but honestly, these SAME people, when in a crisis, retreat to themselves, or find ways to cheer themselves up if they are going through something. These same people don't require the need for someone to be there. The two people I had in mind will not complain about their problems. You will know what they are, but they don't dwell on them, and they use more positive distractions to kind of temporarily avoid their crisis in a way. I'm the complete opposite.

Same way as if someone comes to me I feel obligated, at times, to help or I feel the need give advice. I've realized before that's not always what people want. More than half the time, all anyone wants you to do is listen.

Now if anything, that's what bothers me. If I can be a listening ear to someone and I don't feel like I have that in return.

Friends that disappear in crisis do not deserve the title 'friend'. A true and proper friend is your support system. Down for anything. Whether it's a shoulder to sob on, someone to laugh and have coffee with. The one who is at the hospital holding your hand and encircling you in their arms. Holding you when some poopoo caca boy has smashed your heart to smithereenies... I could write a book, I shan't. A FRIEND is a ROCK. Not a piece of tissue paper.

Posted by cancepio
Something about this issue is disturbing me beyond belief.

1. The unwritten law doesn't force "friends" to be supportive,it defines what a friend is.
2. I agree that most people mistake acquaintances with friends, they over invest, expect too much and are often disappointed.

3. There is something about mislabelling relationships that just fuck me off. I was reading today that most women with terminal cancer get divorced within the first year. Imagine if a guy could say.. "Hey!.. i am your husband, promised you in sickness and in health, through thick and thin.. but your mistaken, I'm not obliged to be with you, to be supportive, to waste my life supporting someone i promised i would spend the rest of my life with.. you expected to much", your going to say.. sure.. live your life.. but question if he is selfish or not?.. seriously? are our morals so corrupt that selfishness has become reasonable? the norm? Some people have a talent in finding that grey area and they love it and love living in it.. that area that inspired infamous quotes like "yeah were going out together, yes we fucked a few times, but were not exclusive".

Call it what you may, colour it any shade of grey.. its bullshit, it stinks and without a doubt, just pure selfish, and in some occasions evil.

Yes, and I am truly grateful for my friends.

^ Oh aye. 🙂

CRISIS
Question define Crisis
what is a crisis to one person to another may be nothing of great inport
example a friend of mine once had a problem with another friend she compland to me about the other friend to them it was a crisis to me it was a bunch of B/S so I told them both to fuck off.

I understand what it is to be a giver and have a kind heart Maddy. You are seeing though that some use or twist that to use it as a crutch. You cannot be an emotional tampon for people that give nothing back. They do not know where the limit is because you do not set one thinking they might think ill of you or it makes you uneasy to do so.
You have to set these for yourself. Break their co-dependency on you, and yours for them. This will suck at first, and believe me I know. I LIKE to feel needed in someones life and deeply enjoy helping someone out, extending myself. But it also breeds resentment. A complete circle of temporary joy for you, and them feeding off of you in a very real way. If it's the same drama day in and out with the same people, politely excuse yourself from it or suggest they remove themself from the situation at hand. In other words help themselves.

Everyone needs someone to reach out too. Milking hurt or upset alone just stinks. Also the hook of being this way, seems the more of a giver you are, the more everyone round you takes. Take a few steps away. I have a handful of very close friends I am blessed to have. Ones that have and will be there for anything. That is my inner circle. I'd move mountains for any one of them if they crooked a finger and it flows back. The outer circle and further out yet like ripples on a pond are acquaintances. I treat them as such.

I apologize for the long winded post, but it resonated. 🙂

Posted by cancepio
Something about this issue is disturbing me beyond belief.

1. The unwritten law doesn't force "friends" to be supportive,it defines what a friend is.
2. I agree that most people mistake acquaintances with friends, they over invest, expect too much and are often disappointed.

3. There is something about mislabelling relationships that just fuck me off. I was reading today that most women with terminal cancer get divorced within the first year. Imagine if a guy could say.. "Hey!.. i am your husband, promised you in sickness and in health, through thick and thin.. but your mistaken, I'm not obliged to be with you, to be supportive, to waste my life supporting someone i promised i would spend the rest of my life with.. you expected to much", your going to say.. sure.. live your life.. but question if he is selfish or not?.. seriously? are our morals so corrupt that selfishness has become reasonable? the norm? Some people have a talent in finding that grey area and they love it and love living in it.. that area that inspired infamous quotes like "yeah were going out together, yes we fucked a few times, but were not exclusive".

Call it what you may, colour it any shade of grey.. its bullshit, it stinks and without a doubt, just pure selfish, and in some occasions evil.

Agreed. I think a lot of society is more about "what can this person do for ME??" when it comes to making friends anymore.

Again, a bit disturbed with some of the responses. How cruel are people, really? I understand that there are people out there who definitely abuse friends' help. I've had a few myself where it was just them not getting their crap together and I eventually had to step away. Sometimes, yes, you can only do so much but then have to step back a little.

But what about those times where a family member is sick? Or in an accident? Or hey you may have had a miscarriage or a death of a child or loved one? Why in the world would ANYONE think that's the opportune time to book it because you just think that being there is being a crutch? I know it can be hard to know what to say when one suffers a loss, but come on. As someone mentioned, LISTENING is about all that's needed in a lot of these issues. To assume that, god forbid, you waste any time or resources on this person otherwise, makes you sound like a dick.

Discomfort and not knowing what to say is understandable. But some of these callus attitudes- "YOU'RE SELFISH FOR ASSUMING A FRIEND SHOULD BE THERE, ALL FOR YOU!!" Wow. I hope you experience something so life shattering where you'd need SOME sort of support and find that nobody is around. I find it surprising because it's not an EXPECTATION, as some have flung around, but more like, "hey, I need to get out and away for awhile, I'll get in touch with so and so. I haven't seen them in awhile" or "I just need to talk to someone about ANYTHING to get my mind off of this stuff," and lo and behold, everyone has vanished because you have developed some sort of crisis cooties and you've been quarantined from life. Suffering a crisis does not warrant this type of punishment from friends.

Society is quite depressing like that.

Maddy, you should kick some of those losers in the teeth.

And yes, I have been through this myself. It was a random pondering of mine and I found it happens quite often. The other day I had a friend text me, to send me his support and reminded me to get some sleep. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time. A simple text. Yeah, THAT'S high maintenance and demanding for sure.

I've also done this myself, so no, not one sided either. I had a friend who was in a really bad car accident. I made her a gift basket of things to keep her occupied while laid up in bed and offered to help with her PT since she couldn't afford it. Another friend had a surgery but didn't want to be seen while he recovered. So I just sent texts, asking how he was doing and he appreciated it. I had a friend lose a mutual friend. She was upset. All I did was give her a hug and it was comforting enough without having to say anything.

Simple things, people. I'm really not understanding what's so hard about this.

Fair weather friends indeed. Have fun with St. Peter at the gates. 🙂

* found it happens quite often with others.

Posted by LeoVirgoGirl

So what is a friend in your world?
Do you bring out a contract and clearly define what you will and will not expect of a friend before a relationship?
Where is a line between a friend and acquaintance?

A friend is someone I feel an attachment to and when I'm with them I feel good. What need is there for me to pull out contracts? Line between friend and acquaintance? As soon as I feel an attachment to you you are a friend. Otherwise, you're only a face and name I know.



To help is to be a good friend but why are we making it a must and not a choice? More importantly, why are we not stopping to think that perhaps they too have problems of their own? Or perhaps its too much for them to handle?

Posted by rockyroadicecream
I have noticed this "phenomenon" with people. You have a crisis and they disappear.

I found a few articles in regard to it. Psychologists consider it something that people do because they don't know how to help or what to say, so they avoid. ...like pussies.

However, people who have experienced it have considered it pure selfishness and self absorbed attitude.

Personally, while I do understand the former, the latter is one I agree with most. The whole scenario baffles me. It's understandable when you don't know how to help or what to say, but to completely disappear? How selfish do you have to be?

Do you think it's one, the other, or both? Excusable or not? Is it because our society has been conditioned to be way too passive in just about anything anymore?

Well, that's the thing with these "friends" - after a while you start to recognize them coming, so when they finally do bail, it's not such a surprise.

Friends acquired in childhood and grew up with are more stable, in my personal experience.

4 and 20 Blackbirds baked in a Pie
thats not a pigionpie
infact I think the pigionpie won this one.

Posted by rockyroadicecream

I hope you experience something so life shattering where you'd need SOME sort of support and find that nobody is around.

wow

Posted by Maddy


It's hard to change some habits. I'm wired that way, soon as someone needs I go help them right away. This particular friends doesn't know where to stop. I can't do it anymore. It's been 3 years since I met her and it's the same problems over and over. She has very low self esteem, so insecure, she can't stand up for herself. She lets ppl treat her like shit. She can't stand on her own two feet, she depends on ppl for everything and just about everyon

I understand. I had a friend like that too. After awhile you just throw your hands up because they're the source of their problems. I'm all for being a shoulder for them to cry on, but after awhile, it just gets too old. I never completely distance myself, but I start telling them how it is and don't try to sugar coat it anymore. At that point, you've done everything BUT sugar coat it.

People like that are the ones that pretty much fit the profile that some assume ALL people are (needing others as an emotional crutch for everything). By all means, I completely understand that with some people, you HAVE to distance yourself so you don't get sucked in because they're all drama.

But not EVERYONE should be treated like so. If someone has a family member that died, that is not the time to decide that they're being selfish by wanting friends' support. However, emotional wrecks who leech off their friends and never improve, they would be that instance.

Hmmm

Posted by Maddy

Posted by rockyroadicecream

Posted by Maddy


It's hard to change some habits. I'm wired that way, soon as someone needs I go help them right away. This particular friends doesn't know where to stop. I can't do it anymore. It's been 3 years since I met her and it's the same problems over and over. She has very low self esteem, so insecure, she can't stand up for herself. She lets ppl treat her like shit. She can't stand on her own two feet, she depends on ppl for everything and just about everyon

I understand. I had a friend like that too. After awhile you just throw your hands up because they're the source of their problems. I'm all for being a shoulder for them to cry on, but after awhile, it just gets too old. I never completely distance myself, but I start telling them how it is and don't try to sugar coat it anymore. At that point, you've done everything BUT sugar coat it.

People like that are the ones that pretty much fit the profile that some assume ALL people are (needing others as an emotional crutch for everything). By all means, I completely understand that with some people, you HAVE to distance yourself so you don't get sucked in because they're all drama.

But not EVERYONE should be treated like so. If someone has a family member that died, that is not the time to decide that they're being selfish by wanting friends' support. However, emotional wrecks who leech off their friends and never improve, they would be that instance.

I'm pretty much done with her. Like you said I can be there for you if lost someone close to you, or once in a while something happens to you, I can handle an emotional person, but her, can't do it anymore. She texted me the other day complaining again about her bf, I replied to her "it's not alaways about you, do something stop complaining" she hasn't replied since, and I could care less. This is my limit.

click to expand

Atta girl! 🙂

Posted by rockyroadicecream
I have noticed this "phenomenon" with people. You have a crisis and they disappear.

I found a few articles in regard to it. Psychologists consider it something that people do because they don't know how to help or what to say, so they avoid. ...like pussies.

However, people who have experienced it have considered it pure selfishness and self absorbed attitude.

Personally, while I do understand the former, the latter is one I agree with most. The whole scenario baffles me. It's understandable when you don't know how to help or what to say, but to completely disappear? How selfish do you have to be?

Do you think it's one, the other, or both? Excusable or not? Is it because our society has been conditioned to be way too passive in just about anything anymore?

i would argue that someone in a crisis, a grown person that expects other people to somehow pull themselves out of whatever funk they're in, as being pure selfishness and self-absorbed...I mean seriously? you think you're the only person, ever in a crisis? You want someone to save you? That's what FAMILY is for....they are the only people you could ask for physical help/advice and it not be considered "awkward". Hell they have professionals/organizations that are dedicated to whatever crisis you could muster up that were created for to help you get through whatever if you were dedicated enough to try and find them. I'm all about friends, but I learned from experience that even close friends you can't put that type of expectation on them. That isn't what a friend would do.

But even then as far as asking for help, I know me personally, I don't like feeling vulnerable to the point that I would have to ask for physical/help(like money, a ride etc). It's demeaning,..and that cycle is extremely easy to become addicting...that "negative self-absorption" in conjunction with "good Samaritan meets martyr generosity" cycle. I think Leo's and Capricorns hold the monopoly on the negative self absorption. And Aries, Libras, Virgos and Cancers probably hold the monopoly on enabling. I know in the past, I've learned it is healthier for yourself to not get too involved in other people's problems. When people are in a funk like that or a serious depression, they become emotionally draining(i know because i've been that way), they'll suck whatever happy thoughts/energy you have and if y

I know in the past, I've learned it is healthier for yourself to not get too involved in other people's problems. When people are in a funk like that or a serious depression, they become emotionally draining(i know because i've been that way), they'll suck whatever happy thoughts/energy you have and if you're someone that get's off on helping people (like I also been) you'll end up having your own house fall apart in the long run. And then when you look around to see where those people you try to "help" at best they'll probably ignore you like you should have done and at worse, they hadn't changed a bit and since they're sucked you dry look to another person for 'help'.