The Push and Pull of Being Fearful-Avoidant

Anyone here an avoidant? I’m a FA (fearful-avoidant), and honestly… sometimes it feels like I’m constantly negotiating with my own emotions.

There are moments when I genuinely want closeness, connection, all the soft things—and then, almost out of nowhere, something in me pulls back. It’s like an internal alarm goes off, telling me to create distance even when nothing is actually wrong. Fighting that feeling isn’t just “deciding to stay”—it’s sitting with the discomfort, the overthinking, the urge to disappear, and trying not to act on it.

What makes it confusing is that both sides feel real. The part of me that wants love is just as strong as the part that’s scared of it. So it turns into this push-and-pull cycle—leaning in, then retreating, and sometimes not even fully understanding why.

I’m learning that it’s not about forcing myself to feel differently overnight, but about recognizing the pattern, slowing it down, and choosing a response instead of reacting automatically. Still… some days are harder than others.

I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

click to expand

Exactly! But I'd rather suffocate with all that attention than starve and not get any, I can run away for a day or two, and the anxious person will still be there, but I wish I learned that earlier, I'm usually attracted to DA but I attract anxious, and I wish I'd given some guys a chance,

Is your husband familiar with attachment style s? It's easier if you discuss that

I'm a Libra Sun Venus Mars with a Taurus moon

Posted by Generously910

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

click to expand

Exactly! But I'd rather suffocate with all that attention than starve and not get any, I can run away for a day or two, and the anxious person will still be there, but I wish I learned that earlier, I'm usually attracted to DA but I attract anxious, and I wish I'd given some guys a chance,

Is your husband familiar with attachment style s? It's easier if you discuss that

I'm a Libra Sun Venus Mars with a Taurus moon

click to expand

Yep, he knows… but being a Scorpio sun with a Cancer moon, somehow he still can’t process what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. Like sir, the emotions are right there—please read the room 😭

I’ve attracted so many DAs in the past and honestly… exhausting. They always come back too, but by then I’m already mentally checked out like, “oh now you remember me?” Too late.

I feel like I remember you—are you the Libra with a daughter? I might be wrong, it’s been ages! Life has been… a rollercoaster. I was married to two Aquas before this and yeah, both didn’t last. Now I’m on my third marriage with a Scorpio—I really don’t want this one to end, but wow… the struggle is very real.

I’m a Gemini with a Leo moon and Venus in Aries, so… as you can imagine, I’m a whole experience. Phew 😮‍💨

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.

click to expand

Wait—did I get that right? Are you a DA? 😅

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.click to expand

Wait—did I get that right? Are you a DA? 😅

click to expand

No, not at all.

I can say when we had been doing our thing, I was building a business (actually a few) and I would have to spend a lot of time at that. I always explained that ahead of time, as I knew it was coming. It was never an emotional thing or getting too close. If anything in my mind I felt like we had established enough security and trust that I could spend that she wouldnt get anxious.. I was wrong.. I started to see the pattern. When we had long in depth talks where we actually got on a deeper level, id get a day to 3 day pullback where she disappeared. It was like clockwork.

There was a lot. There was an expectation that I chase when she would disappear.. yet she'd never reach out, or if i did reach out she wouldn't respond and basical6just reject every attempt i made.. i can only take so much rejection, i mean damn. I was never an anxious or dismissive person, I just dont chase what appears to not want me. But, as ive learned thats how secure people act. Chasing only reinforces the behavior, amd makes things worse.. besides, thats a good way to lise respect for them, amd them for themselves.. Thats why I say talk. Talk. Communication. If I would have known at the time, and not have to reverse engineer the events that led up to the pullback, things could have been done to help us both. I was completely ignorant of what was going on. And she even told me she was a disorganized attachment style . I jyst had no clue. So just communicate whatever it is.. if its your husband, trust he'll do what needs done to make you feel safe.

Pulling away only causes what youre running from to get worse - either they cling tighter, ore they just start to dismiss you as a runner. Theres a. Sweet spot in-betwern

Your situation sounds like maybe you need more space. Maybe explaining it in a different way to your husband could help. I'm highly sensitive introvert so I usually need daily or weekly to just recharge alone in a room, sometimes for hours even when I'm in a relationship. It also comes with age too. I get more tired and can need more time for recharge lol. Boyfriends usually understand this. Because otherwise I just end up having a headache or migraine.

I also like staying at mom's for a few weeks too and that feels good too but I don't know if that would work for everyone.

Actually I usually wonder doesn't everyone, especially moms, need more alone time and deserve some time off in between 😄 like vacations from everything.

Do you have any family you could visit for a week, where you could relax a bit?

Also, doesn't he have any hobbies 😂 It sounds like he needs a hobby lol

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.

click to expand

everything you said was spot on, but now I feel like since I am more aware of my attachment style I can somehow manage my emotions with the anxious person better than the avoidant one,

Being distant actually turns me off now, I don't want anyone treating me coldly,

SA is the best ofc but who has that?! it's very hard to come across evolved people who are aware of their own behavior,

I myself came a long way but still need that inner work,

People are all a work in progress

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

click to expand

Exactly! But I'd rather suffocate with all that attention than starve and not get any, I can run away for a day or two, and the anxious person will still be there, but I wish I learned that earlier, I'm usually attracted to DA but I attract anxious, and I wish I'd given some guys a chance,

Is your husband familiar with attachment style s? It's easier if you discuss that

I'm a Libra Sun Venus Mars with a Taurus moonclick to expand

Yep, he knows… but being a Scorpio sun with a Cancer moon, somehow he still can’t process what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. Like sir, the emotions are right there—please read the room 😭

I’ve attracted so many DAs in the past and honestly… exhausting. They always come back too, but by then I’m already mentally checked out like, “oh now you remember me?” Too late.

I feel like I remember you—are you the Libra with a daughter? I might be wrong, it’s been ages! Life has been… a rollercoaster. I was married to two Aquas before this and yeah, both didn’t last. Now I’m on my third marriage with a Scorpio—I really don’t want this one to end, but wow… the struggle is very real.

I’m a Gemini with a Leo moon and Venus in Aries, so… as you can imagine, I’m a whole experience. Phew 😮‍💨

click to expand

No I don't have any kids, but I do remember you

Aquarius is textbook DA lmao I'm never dating those again

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

Posted by Polyannanana
Also, doesn't he have any hobbies 😂 It sounds like he needs a hobby lol

Haha, he does—but with him being anxious and me being hot-and-cold, it doesn’t really help him at all… even when he tries to distract himself with hobbies.

Posted by Generously910

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910

Posted by Senorita_2705

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Yes! Honestly, I can’t deal with DAs at all. I’ve started noticing a pattern—I either attract dismissive avoidants, anxious types, or full-on narcs.

My husband leans anxious, and I won’t lie—there are days I feel like running away just to breathe. But the one thing about anxious people is… they don’t leave. They stay, they try, they hold on. The downside? It can feel really suffocating sometimes. 😢

I’m struggling too, in my own way. But I do think it gets a little easier as we get older—you start understanding yourself better, setting boundaries, all that.

By the way, what’s your sign?

click to expand

Exactly! But I'd rather suffocate with all that attention than starve and not get any, I can run away for a day or two, and the anxious person will still be there, but I wish I learned that earlier, I'm usually attracted to DA but I attract anxious, and I wish I'd given some guys a chance,

Is your husband familiar with attachment style s? It's easier if you discuss that

I'm a Libra Sun Venus Mars with a Taurus moonclick to expand

Yep, he knows… but being a Scorpio sun with a Cancer moon, somehow he still can’t process what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. Like sir, the emotions are right there—please read the room 😭

I’ve attracted so many DAs in the past and honestly… exhausting. They always come back too, but by then I’m already mentally checked out like, “oh now you remember me?” Too late.

I feel like I remember you—are you the Libra with a daughter? I might be wrong, it’s been ages! Life has been… a rollercoaster. I was married to two Aquas before this and yeah, both didn’t last. Now I’m on my third marriage with a Scorpio—I really don’t want this one to end, but wow… the struggle is very real.

I’m a Gemini with a Leo moon and Venus in Aries, so… as you can imagine, I’m a whole experience. Phew 😮‍💨click to expand

No I don't have any kids, but I do remember you

Aquarius is textbook DA lmao I'm never dating those again

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

click to expand

Oops, my bad! I think I mixed you up with Mudra—if I’m remembering her name right 😅

And I totally agree with you—Aquas really are textbook DA. I’ve tried handling it that way before too, but honestly, it didn’t really help me in the long run. I’m more of a chaotic FA myself… I say I want peace, but somehow I keep choosing chaos. Though there are moments I crave peace so badly—it’s probably just how I grew up, if that makes sense.

Are you the type who moves on easily too? Because I definitely am.

Posted by Generously910

Posted by Hatter1111

Posted by Generously910
I am a fearful avoidant too and boy do I relate!

I hate it when that alarm goes off, I can say it got better with age, but I'm still struggling.

Sth I learned is I'd rather be with someone with an anxious attachment style than an avoidant.

Ive researched the hell out of this topic as someone on the opposite side, and I can tell you from what ive learned, FAs swing to the opposite of what their partner shows.. so of youre with an anxious, youll feel smothered and youll swing to dismissive.. if youre chasing a dismissive youll swing toward your anxious side trying to get them. Thats what FA is, its also called disorganized because its not organized into a single category- you guys are both, in one.

The thing you have think about is this - the constant push and pull (which isnt the flirty push and pull most people are used to, this is disengaged and then re-engaged as you guys have these thoughts) causes the other side, especially a SA, to become anxious themselves, if they continue and dont just walk away. So as youre having these thoughts, communicate.. I think a lot of it boils down to previous experiences and imagination.

I can tell you from being on the other side, the engagement, and disengagement is hell. Especially when there is no communication of what's going on inside, and why the sudden pull back. If its clear the person youre pulling away from cares about you, amd you care about them, talk.. talk..

But, from everything ive read or heard, FAs like the novelty of the beginning stages of a relationship- when the still feel the exit door is nearby.. its not until things begin to get comfortable amd you get to know each other these feelings start to pop up. Then its like when youre learning to swim just well enough to take the floaties off, having fun, kicking an splashing... next thing you know youre in the deepend where you could drown and the panic starts to kick in, and your body takes over and forces you back to the shallow end where you can touch the bottom. Your nervous systems so protective without your control that it literally will not allow you to sink or swim... you have to get to safety now.click to expand

everything you said was spot on, but now I feel like since I am more aware of my attachment style I can somehow manage my emotions with the anxious person better than the avoidant one,

Being distant actually turns me off now, I don't want anyone treating me coldly,

SA is the best ofc but who has that?! it's very hard to come across evolved people who are aware of their own behavior,

I myself came a long way but still need that inner work,

People are all a work in progress

click to expand

I am very secure. We do exist.

Relationships wise - the fearful-avoidant side of the story - was definitely a core issue. Especially this days, when phones became like an extension for so many people - and they've developed a dependency for the texting and social media culture, which... can tends to have a really negative impact on a fearful-avoidant. As in... texting - can be nice in the begging - the getting-to-know the other person phase, but after awhile - it starts to feel like "a choir" and latter on - a source of anxiety. Which, as i find out latter - is tied to self-abandonment... since, all this texting and waiting for a text - thinking what to write back and suck - takes to much of "your (the time you used to spend - doing something you enjoyed - prior to meeting said individual)" free time. And the more you loose yourself... in this choir like experience - which is, not you anymore (whom you used to be - when enjoying life and such). This being tide - to the avoidant nature... which craves for independence - for me time (as one one would put it).

Then there's the fearful side... which this time is tied - to being abandoned by other party. Thus, ghosting and other social media stuff like that - can make one anxious... and it even touches the avoidant part - cause the fear of abandonment triggers - can overwhelm one with negative thoughts and such (while ignored/ghosted for days - and such, even tho - the last experience together seemed to be going well) - where once again... during that time - you couldn't enjoy those days - cause your mind was elsewhere (and in a bad place too).

That being said, the codependent nature of anxious types - can be suffocating both for avoidant and fearful-avoidants. I'm down for spending time together watching some movies or hanging out once in awhile - but she should have some hobbies as well (something she does on her own). I just, can't deal with women - who make a man or the relationship their primary hobby... And most of their time - while both at home is about... spending time together. Beyond the get-to-know each-other phase - it can be quite overwhelming - for someone who spent 70% of his life enjoying his own company.

It's same with friends... i'm down for spending a whole day and night at some rave - taking an ecstasy pill and dancing, hugging - having the time of our life (in the most extroverted way possible at times - socializing with dozens and spreading hugs/love left and right). But... i'm not a kid anymore (back then... playing all day with friends - was actually fun) - i can't hangout with my friends every day, or multiple days a week or even every week - sometimes takes months till we hang-out again. But hey, those are friends - and a relationship is more about BFF - so i'm down with sharing a home with another even on a daily basis - but as mentioned above... just not in each-other's faces all the time at home. I have my hobbies - she should have her own. Shared hobbies - sure, that works (like enjoying some content - we both fancy... animes, long walks, a game, whatever shared tasted - we happen to have in common). Since then is about the hobby - not the other person (not revolving around her world - or he/she revolving around yours).

Last but not least... "Limerance" - is another troublesome aspect of modern days dating - and social media (long distance - to be more exact) - fantasies, which tends to lead the anxious and fearful-avoidant type astray... projecting their own lackings onto the other person - which is perceived as shining in this regard, thus... that image (and future expectations as a potential couple and such) - which shines like a Sun... at first, later on - becomes the black hole - that sucks their mental and emotional energy (while triggering one's childhood traumas). Thus, the state of anxiety... and chase for dopamine (that reply/text), which can also turn into depression - if that illusionary state - touches on one's insecurities (all the things the other person rejects or might reject - about oneself... not being good enough - for whatever reason - if not multiple reasons) for to long.