Cuspie in a Crisis

Hi everybody, my name is Kari, I'm a cancer-leo (7.20.86) who enjoys long walks on the beach and getting herself tangled in messes, as a kitten does in yarn.

Emotionally, I'm very cancer... when I'm in public or fired up about something (doesn't take much) the lioness comes out. I do have more leo traits than cancer on the surface, but the cancerian depth is very in me.

The crisis:

help, I've fallen and I can't get up. I'm slowly getting back into the dating game whilst going through the other big D. A couple of months ago, a man 9 years older than myself started talking to me through plentyoffish. (I have a funny account that I maintain for kicks,and he caught my interest because his message was to the tune of "I had originally written a novel, comparing you to a priceless French painting and how I then untied the rope from my neck and took it off the ceiling fan and fixed the broken leg on the chair. You seem like someone that I would enjoy laughing at life with". it made me step back and say, wow, which, the profile itself generates 2-8 messages a day, set to "not single not looking". I know that I have game, but seldom reply.

I went to his profile, pretty bland: likes music, golf, baseball, fishing. Cancer. Semi attractive, but acknowledged in his profile that he is anything but photogenic. So, I asked for his birthday. 7.22.77. Another cusp, though he said he always felt he was more of a Leo. Brilliant.

We talked for a few nights, and he spoke (well, typed) as I do. He had charm. Wit. It was like I was talking to myself. so, he asked how I felt about texting. I ignored it at first: I'm pretty. Pretty girls don't text semi attractive guys they meet on the internet, right? He brought it up again later, and I believe he just gave me his number.

I gave in. He travels for work, and asked if I would like to grab a drink when he was back in town. I like drinks, I like texting this guy. We listed a few random places and figured we'd decide when he got back.

The day he was headed home was more grueling than he had anticipated, and he told me that he was "too tired" to go out, but I was welcome to come over and watch a movie. I asked if he minded telling me which ditch he was going to leave my body in, so I could leave an "it wasn't suicide, this is where to find me" note for my sister. He promised his intentions were sincere and that I wouldn't die. I asked if I could just wear Jammie-pants, since we weren't going anyplace, and he said c

I asked if I could just wear Jammie-pants, since we weren't going anyplace, and he said certainly.

He lives 10 minutes from me. He is a hair taller than I am, and he has very big brown eyes. Italian. the maybe 5'10, not fat but not skinny build. We sit on his l-shaped chaise-couch talk for a few minutes and start watching I have no idea what. His head goes behind me, and he starts kissing my neck... the lightly and nervous kind, as though I was going to turn around and punch him. I told him that he was "going to make a move, do it right"... so he did. He was a very good kisser. I opened my big, dumb mouth and said "we're both adults and I have zero emotional ties to sex (plus a record dryspell) I'll 'hookup' with you, if you promise not to fall in love" (seriously, that was my problem in my early 20s... the whole, I'm emotionally detached, guy falls in love and I break his heart). He agreed.

Only problem: it was amazing. chemistry, kissing... my mind was blown and he really rocked my socks. Even after the deed was done, he stopped me in the hall way to kiss me. And again, on the couch. I looked at him funny, but he assured me it was because he wanted me to have the whole "boyfriend experience".

I just openly said, "we should do this again" and he agreed.

Twice. I've seen him two more times. The last time, was a month ago tomorrow.

He was busy with his kids the following week after our last meeting, and is currently on the road for a few weeks for I assume 1/2 work, 1/2 pleasure with his friends from work.

My problem is, I'm infatuated. MY heart bleeds for his attention. The last time I saw him ,I wound up staying the night and he held me... it's been almost a decade since I last felt that (the ex was a snorer).

I even went through the motions of "hooking up" with a man I felt was cuter and actually cared for me, to make sure it wasn't just a matter of falling in love with anything I have sex with. Nope. Heart is still cold as ice.

I've texted him a few times, all to the tune of, "busy" "still in meetings" "I get it... super busy".

I sent him a picture of me wearing a bra, last week, to which he responded "very nice".

Last Friday, I asked if he 'missed me yet', had no response by Monday, so I was like, "you don't even miss me a little? It appears that my charm needs work" and he almost instantly responded, "stop! I have been on the road for weeks". I said, "stop what? Texting you or the sarcastic self pity?" he never wrot

he never wrote back. so yesterday, I just sent him a "hope life is good, you don't have to write back, I know you're busy". and nothing, which was to be expected.

I hate it. There is chemistry, but I gave up the cookie at the start, because my eyes were vain as my soul fell hard.

How do I move on? Is it really dead? why does he do this... I get it, he travels for work. That's great, so did the ex at points. my heart and my mind have been at war over this, and all I want to do is cry, but I simply can't.

Thank you for reading.