Scorpio woman in a dilemma

He's an Aries. His ex was a Scorp too, as are two of his best friends, the rest of them being water signs. Explained by his chart, of course.

So, what I have here is a man who arouses my best and worst passions, to the extent that I feel I must build granaries around my heart to store all that emotion. In the past, whenever I knew it was the end, I burnt every bridge I had to, with no delay. 1 Scorpio, 1 Pisces, 1 Taurus.

I don't know where it's because of his Taurus venus and my Scorpio pluto, or his Aries sun and my Libra mars, or my Sag moon and his Gemini mars, or his Gemini mars in my 5th house..but we fulfill each other, in ways that others cannot see nor understand. Intimacy isn't merely physical for either one of us.

The day before, I was on the verge of breaking up with him. Peacefully. To my surprise, I actually did feel calm. And then tears, Taurus tears...I love you. For the simplest of reasons. Don't leave me. Words he spoke, without his voice. And for the first time in my life, I felt horrid. I had to take back my decision.

This man. Sometimes it seems as though he was born to unleash my darkest rages. I'm a master at concealing my emotions, but...nothing is left unsaid once I'm livid. I feel like killing him. I feel like killing anyone who destroys his happiness.

I love him like no other. He's made me cry (Taurus venus, House VIII), I've made him cry and on my most unhappy day, we cried together. And our relationship has had the beauty of any other Scorpio relationship. deep. passionate. complicated.

I resolved never to let anyone become the centre of my universe, long, long ago. And along comes this man who takes me to both extremes, and my Libra mars demands some balance, though being in House VIII. Only my Scorpio sun craves for intensity itself. We both love in a wholesome manner despite the whole his simplicity versus my complexity that already exists. Only what am I to do with a stable love and an unstable relationship? With or Without You...U2.

You know what terrifies me, now that I've confessed so much already? That no matter how much I hurt him, he's NEVER willing to leave me, which I truly value, it's a trait that all Scorpios look for in their lovers...strength of character. But, me...I'm the one who is haunted quite frequently with thoughts of ending the relationship for good. Repetitive moments when the pieces just don't seem to fit together, and then he comes, and so does the glue. I hate this indecisivene

*indecisiveneSS in myself. Goes against my self-respect. It has never, never, never happened before.
And I need help here.
We have Sun conjunct Ascendant, Venus trine Sun, Uranus conjunct Uranus, Saturn conjunct Saturn, Neptune conjunct Neptune, Pluto conjunct Pluto, Uranus conjunct Neptune. among others. And the conjunctions are tight especially for Pluto.

So, basically, you have your perfect partner .... and that's a problem because you're a Scorpio

We hadn't been intimate in a long time. He said he likes a good dose of jealousy from me, but an overdose is what he can't handle.

Anyway, he admitted that he, too, thought our relationship wouldn't be as strained if he weren't so busy (Medicine)...I swear...it's beyond the pleasure. It's a spiritual union that I need to have renewed and further deepened with time. Each time.

And yes. Grudges. I hold onto them real hard. He said maybe I should stop scratching old wounds before I killed the relationship. I said it wasn't a matter of trust, but that I can't stand him being close to another woman. Which he isn't, of course.

I guess why we remained unseparated through it all, was first, because of his commitment, and secondly, because we both prefer passionate albeit tumultuous relationships, rather than ones that are just smooth, safe, and...bland. I am taking small, but steady steps towards finally allowing myself to trust this man, for all he is worth. Undying loyalty really is something. I can be a very difficult person at times, yet as he is the one who calls me up at 2 in the morning to settle an argument, and has, so far, gone further than any other man with an ego to his name, I must do myself the favour of allowing him to become my "winter sun". Allowing him to ignite my sometimes cold Scorpio bones.