Commitment Phobia

Commitment phobia is something I often ponder as to where it comes from .. in all people.

It would be interesting to see the results of a research project into this. Going just by judging "today" kind of people, from "yesterday", and in knowing that there are more single parents today, then in yesterday's time.

I wonder if commitment phobias come from observing our parents?

My parents were very dedicated to each other .. they produced 4 children and none of us have a fear of commitment.

Curious ... has anyone noticed when they find a person who fears commitment, that it has stemmed from being raised within a single parent home?

"I wonder if commitment phobias come from observing our parents?"

-yes, i do believe that has something to do with it...

So, if we observed as kids, a stormy marriage by our parents, where they were obssessive and possessive, which left each other feeling like their personal space and freedom was being infringed upon .. then when these kids grow up .. they will in turn fear the same thing?

MIA .. did your parents have a stormy marriage?

My first husband's father used to cheat on his mother unbelievably. In his family were 6 children .. all the boys don't see cheating on their wives as bad, and the only girl as an adult, accepts it as apart of nature that her man cheats on her.

Curious ... so, can we all then, when we are having relationship problems and can't understand them, actually look to what has been instilled within us to find the answer?

Maybe, apart from other points of views and theories pointed out in this thread, those with 'commitment phobia' are not truly ready for a relationship.

Maybe, they decide they want to experience something first, or get the qualifications or career they want first.

Or, they may desire commitment so much they don't allow themselves to have it. Why? It is their life's goal. Once they have it, then what's new? Alot of peeps spend their life journey learning what commitment means. They may not accept anything less than a true connection?

Alot of couples stay together out of respect for structure, the institution of marriage, or for their partner. Some of them hardly know anything else besides what they have with their partner, so it makes sense to stay on.

For others, the intensity between the couple is so great and strong it scares the hell out of them; commitment thus comes verrry slowly, as they mature and understand what love is about.

My parents *seemed* happily married until I was 11.
Then my mom left.

As an adult I guess I've learned from both situations.

I'm not afraid of commitment. Not afraid of losing freedom either because I know I can(and will) leave any time I want. Maybe that's messed up?

I'm not necessarily afraid of commitment I think I'm just wary of feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship/marriage or of making that commitment but it not working out and being seen to have "failed" in a sense.

My parents divorced when I was 6 - my mum cheated on dad with his best friend whom she later married, but then went on to have several other affairs. My dad remarried and his 2nd wife cheated on him and then left him for someone else.

So marriage unfortunately was not presented well to me from an early age.

I think with the relaxing of moral codes came 'fear of commitment.' Women aren't asking or even (as they used to) demand a commitment before getting intimate. Sex before marriage was a huge no-no, now it's expected. Why should you commit when you can get a different person any day of the week?

Wow, Moro .. that's not good !!!!


Did your parents have a bad relationship? I would think that to create a daughter into Princess-hood would stem from your father not being treated as he wanted from his wife .. so, he makes his girl into one.

I've seen this with the mother before .... she gets treatment from her husband where she doesn't feel honored, adored .. so she makes her daughter into a Princess.

That's really sad 😢 .... life isn't about participating in a game and if the partner doesn't play, then just leave or cheat 😢

"I think with the relaxing of moral codes came 'fear of commitment.' Women aren't asking or even (as they used to) demand a commitment before getting intimate. Sex before marriage was a huge no-no, now it's expected. Why should you commit when you can get a different person any day of the week?"


That's a good point, Mystery .. so, maybe it all started from the hippy generation in the 60's .. free love.

Maybe it's not a phobia/fear at all, it's independence. In generations past, when women stayed at home, they were dependent on the man to take care of her and the family, so, she really had little options except to remain commited within the marriage. The man would have nothing to fear because he knew she wasn't going to leave him.

That's a good point you made, bijou .. with the high divorce rates these days, people are no longer dependent on the other, and that's what a commitment is, really .. depending on the other to remain loyal and commited to you.

With independence comes freedom from commitment .. MIA said this from the beginning.

Wow! You all have valid points. I definatly feel that your parents play a part in how you interact in relationships. And life in general experiences that you go through determines how you view commitment as well. For me marriage is THE commitment. If you're not married then you still have freedom and a choice. Once you say I do you have made your choice and for life and your freedom from commitment is over.

"I now understand that all of that comes naturally if the connection is genuine. It doesn't need to be established, forced, at the get-go before you "allow yourself" to get any deeper involved."

I've learned this too!

Yes people tell me all the time that I look like her except I'm a shade or two darker but other than that we have the same facial features and body type. lol don't be jealous.

The "fear" or whatever it is we have determined has caused our generation to not have a desire to honor a commitment .. appears to have trickled down to most areas of our life.

Not only in intimate relationships, also with jobs. Nowadays, it common for people to change jobs every 2-3 years. We change everything rather quickly .. as soon as it's outdated, or has stop stimulating us in some way.

So, maybe that's what it is .. not a fear or worry at all. We've all just allowed ourselves to seek out new stimuli, instead of trying to find a new reward within what we already have.

It's almost like .. we don't appreciate what we have, it's never enough, or good enough .. there has to be more.

Well my parents have been married 26 years and counting.

I have commitment phobia...alot of I see has to do with astrology, my beliefs, society, and it all circles back to astrology.

Or a fat blunt .....

*Starfish* I agree with you entirely. I was the person who had a new bf ever 3 months and I have in the past gone from job to job as well. I met a man that I truely desired and I have been persuing him for over 3 years. Also since I have been with him I have kept a job for longer then 6 months. I finally had something to look forward to. I even went back to school and got a diploma after I had dropped out of high school at the age of 16. I pretty much had to learn everything the hard way... At least thats what my dad always said to me.

P-Angel as for the parents thing. I think they do have alot to do with your personality not only with relationships but with everything you are as a person.

My parents have always worked oposite shifts my mom on days my dad on afternoons. My dad would get me ready in the morning and send me off to school. My mom would pick me up and put me to bed.. So I always had love around me. They werent the best with each other but I never noticed till I was 19. And still I think they have a very good marriage.

My dad is a realistic person always wanted to show me that life was hard and my mom wanted me to have everything I wanted.
I was defenetly spoiled still am with some things. But really everything I have I have paid for myself including my college education. So they didn't do that bad of a job.
Yes they did fight but who doesn't.
They always have and always will stick by eachothers side..

My parents are great.. We don't always see eye to eye but we always make up as a family..

I think everyone has different reasons for their "fear of committment".
My parent's marriage is totally fine - always was - and i was brought up seeing how great marriage can be. Seeing the support that comes from marriage and knowing that no matter how many fights you have they can always be worked out.
Still - i have had very few serious relationships....for me its the whole losing my freedom thing - I focus on my career and building myself up to what i want for myself. I think because i feel i can control these things.
I've had no problem meeting men but still have chosen to not let them into my life. For me - losing my freedom and being scared of failure is what holds me back. This was not a result of my parents!

As a result of my father leaving when i was a kid never to be seen for 11 years, i have a sevear fear or abandonment it affects all my relatinoships and my ability to truly trust others as well as other aspects of my life...becomming awair of my reality has helps but the conditioning has proven a challenge

I have a complete lack of committment to everything.
Have had 20+ jobs in my life, hated everyone. Now I'm working in an alright place, but I know it's temporary and I'll move on as soon as i find a better one.
Have hopped around cities, towns, houses, social groups for my entire life. forever restless. I can't settle.

The biggest fear of mine is that I'll get fed up of university and drop out for the second time.

I want just to write, and find an outlet for my artistic abilities, but I always feel the banal things get in the way. Very frustrating. But a year & a bit to go.I think I can hang on.

When it comes to relationships, I'm hopeless. I get involved with a well intended guy, and end up horribly screwing him over because I feel so claustrophobic and sick at the thought of being a girlfriend. Panic attacks almost. My only successful affair was with another comittment phobic, and the reason our relationship lasted was because we wanted, and feared the same things.