Just saying that word "divorce" is so painful. I'm not even sure what it is that I want to write. I'm still in shock over the whole thing.
I know that it's for the best but it's just the way he did it that is so upsetting. We weren't compatible, but even though we would laugh one minute and spat the other I was willing to do all I could to make it work. NOt anymore, but going on about 9 hours ago I did.
I was wondering why he wasn't talking to me that much and ignoring me. We had troubles in the past when we almost seperated for a time but he decided (or so he said) that he wanted to make it work. I've been doing/or I did all I knew to do. I wanted things back the way they were when we first met. I started backwith the loving text messages the calls just to say "I love you". Made sure he didn't need anything and that i did all I knew how. Still there was no responce. No texts back...when i called he'd say "Yeah, what do you want"...hitting brick wall after brick wall. I asked him two days ago if he was happy, if he was happy with me, with being married to me. He said "yes". So I left it at that. Still we felt 100 miles apart.
It all was unveiled yesterday. My car broke down, my battery was bad. We went to get it checked at the auto zone and i accidently cut the car off. He yelled at me in front of everyone. Then i thought he replaced the battery so when we got back home i cut the car off again and went into the house. He came into the house and nearly slammed the door so hard it almost came off the hindges and cominced to calling me all kinds of stupids, idiots, and dumbies. Asked me how I could be so stupid as to cut the car off again. I told him i thought he replaced the battery, but then he was all in my face calling me and idiot and telling me that he couldn't believe i was so stupid. (He's never called me out my name before) I knew then that it wasn't about the car there was more to those words. He asked me "when was I going to learn not to talk back to him?" like i was a child. THe last straw had been drawn.
He didn't have to be at work til 6 this morning but left the house at 12 last night. Freshly shaven and clean cut. I didn't bother to even question, it just wasn't worth it. But after a little while of thinking I did call and he picked up. He said "I'm trying to think of the best way to tell you this" I told him ... the way he said his next few words wouldn't matter. He told me
" I'm not in love with you anymore and I haven't been for a long time"...
What a low blow. My heart couldn't contain those words at first. Not in love with me? For a long time? He said that he only stayed for our son (4 months old. It may be hard to believe and this is only one side to the story but I was a damned good wife and mother to the children. It was so unexpected, although thought about...never expected. How could he not love me? I was so good to him.
I told him that I couldn't respect the way he told me how he felt because it should have been said a long time ago. He should have NEVER made me waist my time and energy trying to fix a love that wasn't there. All the times I said I love you and he said it back, all the laughter, all the quality time together, the days in the park with our kids, all the playing around together, and most importantly the love I showed him through sex. He took advantage of me. He used me. He betrayed me. He is a phony. To pretend to love someone should be a crime. It would have been nice for him to sit me down out of respect as his wife and tell me "It's not working and I think we need some time apart" I would have been hurt but I would have respected that.
It's one thing to leave...but to go so low is another. How, why? He began to try and tell me how wonderful of a mother and wife and woman I am....but I had to stop him because honestly I already know who I am and what I am. I didn't give him the benifit of assuring me I was and am wonderful!!! I didn't need him to validate that.
With those words " I don't love you" it makes parting easier. Those words answered so many questions all at one time.I should have never had to hear him say that. some things that you just don't say. Somethings you keep to yourself. "I want to go" would have been enough.
I'm not asking any questions on this post, there isn't anything that anyone can say at this point to make me feel better. I know there is a time of greif that I have to go through in the healing process. I'm there now. But soon the tears will stop and I'll begin to recover from this.
Lastly, I prayed last night.... Cried out to God for help in going through this. I told him I just needed to feel his arms around me and i needed him to hold me. As soon as I finished praying...my little 4 year old daughter came down stairs and lay with me on the couch...she didn't say a word she just held me in her little arms..and God was there.
"Also if your not senseing it, sounds like he may have someone else too."
I did last night... that's why I decided to call. After he told me how he felt I asked and he said that there isn't anyone else and that he didn't have anything to hide. Said that he would have told me yes if there was since he's leaving anyway.
I don't know whether I believe him. Actually it doesn't matter one way or another. The result is still the same and I don't want to change it. I deserve better either way.
I know I've said on previous posts that I never worried about him leaving me. Over and over again I've said this. So you can imagine how shocked I was. I must have been nieve cause I didn't see it coming, or maybe I did but I was in denial. I've always said how much I love him and I still do, but I don't respect him or admire him anymore. I though he was a better man...though he would have handled a situation like that better.
it wasn't the bar incident that did it. Him saying that he fell out of love with me a long time ago proves that. He wasn't in love with me before that happened. I guess if he was showing me the love I needed it would have never happened. This isn't an excuse but it is the truth. I've never given him reason to doubt me before.
Anther thing is that he's been acting strange for the pass 2 weeks and I just started working again 2 weeks ago after being a stay at home mom since last year. He's always had a controling side to him and he knew I was financilly dependent on him (his way of control I guess)but since I started working he's been acting weird. Guess he knew I didn't need him financially anymore and he'd have to give that control up.
With all that was said last night I know he wouldn't have attempted to tell me how good I was to him if he didnt mean it.
"He took advantage of me. He used me. He betrayed me. He is a phony. To pretend to love someone should be a crime. It would have been nice for him to sit me down out of respect as his wife and tell me "It's not working and I think we need some time apart" I would have been hurt but I would have respected that."
Can I ask you a question? What does the below paste mean exactly?
"He should have NEVER made me waist my time and energy trying to fix a love that wasn't there."
Does this mean that you had awareness that a real love wasn't there?
Why does something need fixing by you if it isn't broken?
"Does this mean that you had awareness that a real love wasn't there?"
No you are reading it wrong... I'm saying that I didn't know he didn't love me, but he did. So all my efforts were for waist. I was trying and trying not knowing he felt the way he did. He told me he wanted to work it out...and so as far as i knew that's what we were doing. That's why he lied... Not only about that but he would tell me he loved me and now he tells me that he hasn't for a while..that's also a lie.
"Why does something need fixing by you if it isn't broken?"
I'm not sure what you mean by this it's a little confusing. I said that we had almost seperated before but he decided he wanted to make it work. I never said there weren't problems i said that it was wrong the way that he went about everything.... WHich is true it was wrong.
I do feel for you also, I have read your comments and others. I am sorry for your children too. No matter how you feel, I do hope that you will put it aside when you want to lash out at him. Dont let your kids see that. They will be broken too-because they love both of you. Your husband- I hate to say- probably has his interest somewhere else. Whether he has acted on it or not. That is probably why you dont quite understand. I hate to be saying that to you. But also know, that you will heal after you grieve and he will be the one who is sorry when you find someone else in your life. You see, you will be done... and when you are done...there wont be anything he can do to fix things. He will do whatever he wants for awhile, while you are hurting. But there will come a day when you wont be crying all day and feeling like you cant do anything because you cant stop thinking about things. not to change things - But you say you have 4 children and your are 25 yrs old. How long have you been together? and ya know like most of us we just want someone to listen to what we are going thru. (life) You will come out of this- do you have family or friends to also be there for you?
I'm sorry, too, that you are having to face this .. it's not easy to face our mistakes, our failures .. for it is indeed both your mistakes for there are two people in a union NOT one.
I told you on the Aries board that after what happened in the bar that you'd already lost him, he just hadn't left yet .. you didn't believe me.
An Aries can't be treated that way and then expect to be respected by him. You make it sound in here as though you did nothing wrong, which is a falsehood .. they are two people in a union and what you did in the bar was unacceptable, how you've been treating him all along is unacceptable and I'm seriously surprised that it took him this long.
An Aries CANNOT be ignored when he needs to express himself .. I told you that before. To do that is NOT being a perfect and faultless victim as you've portrayed yourself in this thread.
With time, and a lot of proving to him that you are faithful to him, he might reconsider and want to try the marriage again. If he does, then it's going to take REAL work on your part this time, as well as his.
To ignore him when he needs to express ..then shower him with praises later to compensate for your ignorance, isn't proper treatment for the Aries. From everything you have posted, you've been quite confused about this relationship for a while .. so, it's simply not truthful to say that he has been the one to do everything wrong, while you remain innocent.
There are two of you here, CappyWife .. NOT one. And, according to how you describe the way both of you have treated each other .. it indicates that BOTH of you treetrunked up.
I know you want compassion and there are plenty of people who will come in here to comfort you, and they have ... however, I am a realistic person and it is my belief that the only way a person can heal is by knowing where they screwed up .. how can you grow/learn if you don't comprehend how your actions played a part in him wanting to divorce you?
You believe, and have said, that you were a good wife and I'm sure you were, for the most part .. but, you have to also know that there are always two sides to a partnership and you participated in whatever transpired to lead him away. You have implied by this thread that you did nothing wrong, you were a perfect wife and he just wanted out for no reason .. and this simply isn't the truth.
You have to hold yourself accountable for your actions if you expect to gain real perspective, so you can evolve.
This goes beyond signs anyway but if you want to go there, the Aries would have brought up any issues that bothered them IMMEDIATELY, if they really cared. This guy saying he hasn't loved her for a long time; well, that's just butter. He should've said something a lot sooner and would have since Aries are romantics and do not give up easily on a relationship they are heavily invested in. But let's say he lost respect or love for her a while back, well, that's when we can't help telling our mates what's happening as it is happening.
His explanation that he hasn't loved her for a long time sounds more like he's trying to hurt her and that can only happen if he has been hurt deeply from her.
Considering children are involved, I can only hope that your separation can work out to be amicable as possible with as little effect on the kids as possible. You both deserve to find happiness and Cappywife, I sincerely hope you'll find it.