Disappointed. Trust issues. Am I over reacting with. Give me some help guys?

I'm Aquarius. My spouse is Pisces. Hi everyone,

Im a lil imbarrased to discuss this with any friends and faI'm going to try to make it a Lil short but any details I'm willing to answer. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years we live together. I have 2 small kids who are not his and from a previous relationship. He loves the kids but I'm not quite sure if he 100 percent loves them as his own because There have been 1 incident where he has said he wish he met me sooner where we can have our own kids. I told him I still want kids but we need to be married first and we have talked and planned to marry. We know each other's family and friends and we have done things togethers like family such as barbecue ect but we haven't done much like going out together as a family. If i suggest something he like shows not so much interest. I dont know if its because sometimes I talk about budgeting but its not like i dont want tp enjoy life also. I have been noticing that there are times he likes to go out and enjoy himself drink and turn up without me. Or he will go to his friends who have kids also and there wife around and not invite me or kids and there spouse will text me and be like hey you should come but he himself doesn't invite me. There a lot of times Basically he would spend money on himself but if the cable bill is 30 dollars more or whatever he will crab about it. Then he crabs about saving and certain things I see with him when it comes to being responsible. This is not a situation where its just guys only. He has 1 friend who I know but have never really been around or hung out with. I told him that we need to do something with this particular friend. All of his friends are married with kids. This week at the last minute he tells me he is leaving to go and help his friend move. His friend had already moved but the story was he just closed on a house and he is helping to paint the house. The friend moved maybe a 2 hour drive to another town. I said am I going with you he said no. That next time we would go and enjoy the town barbecue and such. He looked me in the face and gave me a whole story about all the work they had to do and everything. This is what turned me off. I said ok. Mind you he had already knew days before because i overheard him talking but not with much details. last night he friend came to pick him up. When he was leaving I walked him to his friends car but he acted like he didn't want me to when I was just being nice and to say hi to his friend. I guess he thought I would find out because his friend doesn't seem like the kind guy who hides things. So I said hi to his friend and his friends son who was in the car. Anyways I found out that he went on a trip to Orlando to a theme park and got there this morning.

Im disapointed because i really wanted to believe that he would not lie to me and was doing what he said he was. And because we have had issues before I'm feeling like we are getting no were and how could he say he loves someone and just lie. I'm starting to feel maybe he is imbarrased of me and the kids. My question is why would he lied to me and why would he not tell me. If we are a family and have two kids why would he be so selfish. School is about to be out and this is the time for people to plan trips with their family. We have had issue before with trust. I honestly don't know like how to react especially when he gets back and I don't want him to know I know. I find myself in a place where i caint trust him and he then ask why.I just don't understand why a grown man would lie about going to a theme park. You have kids that you say are your own and not take them. But your with your friend and his family. Should I trust this man or continue to want to build a future? Am I over reacting. Is he not seriouse ? I called him this am cause he didn't like he said and gave me no answer or response.This is the second weekend he has done it. Lied about what he was really doing. What should I do? Help me out. Thank you

Yes I was typing

I'm done now

I understand what your saying. I know we need to talk. I'm just feeling like we are talking about the same repetitive type issues. Like in my mind it bothers me that the person you eat and sleep with every day who you say your building something with, you would do that and something so simple. So what else would you lie about or as long as no one knows about it just you. But then you return in my face laughing and asking for a kiss and when i look at you cold your wondering why.That right scares me and is almost like a deal breaker. And I really don't want to have someone around me that needs to sneak and do things. I feel like I work hard everyday to be a good woman for my family is leave him B and lets him be always into his sports everyday but then he turns around and do this. I'm glad I'm able to come here and just relieve some of this stress. I went to work today just to do some extra hours and when I found out that he lied to me it just dampened my mood. It's hard for me to talk to family and friends about some issues because I do believe that it's not good to discuss your spouse and because they are a reflection of you so say good things about them that it may be birth to life and to treat others how you want to be treated but it's hard when you don't receive that same respect back.

Is this about him not bonding to your kids well or about his weird behavior and can detach anytime because he doesn't have kids with you?

@Op so how old are you guys? With age comes maturity and responsibilities to take care of another ones kids. Does he have kids of his own ? Is he a good dad despite that inappropriate behavior of you guys are officially a couple. He asked you out and both said sure if this is just a friendship though trying for more than friends situation he is showing true colors possibly red flags.

I'm not sure that I understand your question but I'll try to answer it. The 1st thing I feel this is about is the fact that he lied to me about where he would be and what he would be doing. The next thing is why would in his mind would he not take me or the kids with him if we are a family. Your with your friend and his family but you keep this activity from your family whom you go home to everyday. I don't feel that I should have to tell a man how to bond with children. It should be at will. I just ask that it be sincere and not you feel you had to. We did get into a big argument once because we went to the pool instead of going to the beach like we said we would but he didn't want to bother with the drive. But that wasn't the argument. The argument was that when we got there he was all on his cell phone texting instead of interacting. He said that if the kids wanted him to get in the pool they would ask. Usually he gets in when he is ready. I have noticed on other occasions that they have asked or suggested something and he will say we will another time. I short of feel sometimes that he doesn't understand or is really ready for a family life even though when he feels bad he says he is grateful to have us. But I'm looking at his actions. Quality time is important. He has a daughter but she lives out of state and he doesn't really have a relationship with her because of the mother. But he supports his daughter financially with support money sent. I guess the issue is the lie and then on top of that the bonding and then when he said what he said I'm wondering if he really feels or would be happier or better if the kids where his own. I don't want him to feel like that and I don't want the kids to just be discarded as anyway either. Their happiness should be important.

I am 30 and he is 35. And no we are not just friends we are in a relationship and live together.

Too many words

@Op Can you raise your kids your self? Do you want that behavior a round your kids. Pretty sure they are of age to be aware of all surroundings and they probably Focused kids and observe everything including you both.

What's your signs and his?

OK so now I just feel that it just red flags and not mature at all for this. Really he could be the type to just not care too much about anything.

Like I said red flags are up so just got to talk to him and see where is mind is at right now.

I'm an Aquarius and he is pisces.

I understand what your saying. Its not about raising the kids on my own. If I have to raise the kids on my own then that's not a problem. I know that I need to speak with about it. Your right kids notice everything and they are elementary age. They basically just want to have fun and feel important and loved.

@Op He has his own kid though too and wonder how he treats his own.

Then you invite someone new to other kids environment and when problems start happening in the household the kids are the ones who pick it up for life purposes later to be explored.

Whatever you do kids are important than the guy.

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You need to corner him when he gets back home and interrogate him. Do not back up, put as much pressure you can in your questions. Look into his eyes and tell him how you hate lies and liars.

He has to learn it the hard way that you are serious about telling the truth. Be tough, like a policewoman. He also needs to answer every question you have about his commitment to you and his family.

Seriously, you have nothing to lose. You don't need a life built on lies. Either he is all in or he is out.

I am Pisces, boyfriend is Aqua and once I found him lying (about his age). I was wondering what else was he lying about......I really gave him a really hard time and made him fear that he lost me.

I think u should talk to him. U have every right to be upset. I would too. And kids pick up on the slightest things. If u cant be honest and ur not ready 100 for a family even after 2 years what r we doing? I hope it works out i feel ur very smart to know what u should do.

@Undine you really made me laugh because he know this about me that I will investigate until I know the truth. Before he would not be able to keep a lie from me because he would break of guilt and I appreciated that even if it was small. But I always tell him always tell the truth and leave it to the other person to accept it or not but at least you were honest. When the table is turn he will be upset and not talk to me for hours if I kept one small detail from him. I was planning to ask him in front of his friend but I don't want to embarrass him either. I will try to question him but I'm just tired. Like you said your either all in or not. I think it's just plain disrespect. I'm going to think seriously about my questions because he always seem to be sly with his responses and he will not admit to anything without proof and I don't want him to know my sources.

@lovely77,

Believe me if I was a Lil younger and there where no kids involved i would blow the whole thing. But there are few things and its that I love him and everything he has done and the sacrifices he has made. And I know that the kids love him also and he is the only thing to a dad they have ever received because their father has been missing in action for years. I don't want to discredit him for anything. He is the only man that they know. And that is something I would not be happy about taking from them because they will not understand until they are older. I'm not saying they don't pick up on things. I will always put them first.I do feel that it is hitting him the responsibility of a family. But with the support he has from all his friends who are married with a family he should be able to talk with them about what ever he fears but most importantly me. We both have an income to have worked the finances to go instead he did something so opposite of that and was happy about it. I hope it works out too cause I can't stand being lied to and I would not like to explode from frustation

From what you've written here it seems like you constantly berate him for not spending enough time with you and the kids. Do you nag, whine and bitch when he wants to spend time with his friends?

He probably didn't tell you the truth because he doesn't want to get into the headache of having you all over his balls for wanting to spend time with his boys.

No I don't nag him about spending time with his friends. All I ask if for honesty about what he is doing and respect to not walk in the house at anytime of night. I have told him that there needs to be a balance. You can't expect to every day be all about sports and every week or weekend be at your friends house. So then what about our time together and your family. There was a period where every pay period he was out having drinks with coworkers who of the opposite sex and because I made a fuss about it her has stopped and I fussed because of financial reasons and because he and I weren't doing things together like a couple does. When he is not out and about he makes it clear he wants to get home and just have his beers and watch sports and be on his laptop. I don't think that's balanced.

When a woman gets upset because she is lied to for no reason and it bothers her and she says something about it should not be because she is a nagger or all over someone's ball. Its about trust and honesty in a relationship.

And it's not a situation where it's just him and the boys as if it's a guy thing. Because are other people's children and lady's around

Your right about the about the not being married part and I try to look at it from a lot of aspects of what is and what's not. I agree about it coming natural
. I have not however forced him to take care of kids that aren't his. Besides the incident at the pool of have not ever questioned his behavior toward the kids. He chose to be apart of our life and wanted that responsibility. All I'm asking is for honesty and openness on everything like he expects from me about the way I feel about anything. There was a time i remember when he openly asked the kids around the table how they felt about him
. I kind of understand what your saying about obligation, at the same I kind of feel like commitment and obligation almost work together and I don't want to use it wrong or loosely to make a wrong example. If someone express the desire to want to bond with and holds themselves accountable for a child that's not theirs and then their behavior chances or whatever that needs to be talked about. Like I feel that if your going to have the mindset that because the child is not yours that you are not obligated to do certain things or be responsible for that child you shouldn't be around them period because at anytime you can up and go.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it.

Yea. I don't want him to be ashamed of anything and i dont want him to feel uncomfortable. Right now im just trying to figure out how to communicate effectively to him when he gets back without being upset or angry. I don't want for him to be ashamed but I'm going to ask him is there a reason that he feels the need to lie and if he feels uncomfortable or unhappy in anyway. I would rather he remove himself like you said than for things to escalate.

He just called me. Its mid night and I called him 2wice since this morning and texted him to call me. The first time I ignored the call and the second time I didn't answer. I felt that if I answered he would tell me a lie and I felt myself getting upset because I just can not be fed a lie. I'm going to wait till he gets home to address the issue

He is 35. At this age, the chances that he will get another woman he likes, but without small kids are close to nothing.

I disagree about bonding with children being optional. It is not! He is part of a ready-made family and should behave like a father. How could he "bond" if he doesn't spend plenty of time with them?? Bonding happens over shared experiences and mini adventures. He should organise things for the family and take part in all of them....if he doesn't, the mother should ask/organise them.

The fact that he has a daughter elsewhere is not an excuse. In contrary, it should be a motivation to be a good father to your kids, with hope that someone else will do the same thing for his natural daughter!

Only an idiot would "love" his children more than "adopted" children. It is like saying "these kids are not good enough for me because they lack my awesome genes". Your idiotic genes, stupid!

My actual boyfriend married a mother of two young children, decades ago. He made mistakes, and was accused by his wife of "feeding the little Pisces to the ostrich" when visiting a wild life park or "throwing the young Cancer over a fence, into a den". Obviously, they were misadventures that caused a bit of distress but plenty of laugher years later!

He bonded by spending his spare time with them, day after day. He was found guilty of "over exciting them", not neglected them! The boys call him father and he is a part of their now adult life years after he divorced their mum.

If you asked him if he would have preferred to have his own kids instead, he replies forcefully "They ARE my kids!"

Undine, right. I think I mentioned somewhere in my original post that one day we were sitting watching tv and this was recently within the last two weeks, and he said to, if I could come back in a different life would I still chose him? I said of course. I asked him the same and he responded that only under one condition that we had our own kids. So I started questioning him that okay what if the condition wasn't possible and he responded he would still be with me it's just he wish we had kids. So that's when I told him we will once we get married.

But it bothered me the next and up until today also because if you are looking at this as its not your blood born kids as the previous poster said some people don't love a child like their own and that is a problem for me if this is the case. This has never came up before. And again i dont want to discredit and like I said he is the one that chose and made the decision to be apart my life and their life so when you put yourself in that situation you are assuming responsibility in whatever form it maybe including bonding and it takes an sincere effort and not just one day deciding that these are not my kids so I'm not obligated and can detach myself at anytime.

He himself was raised by his step dad. I agree that the fact his daughter is not around should determine how he treats the children he is currently around. He is not with his daughter because the mother lives in another state and she will not allow him to see his child at all to have a bond with her or her to know him as her father because she herself is in a same sex marriage. He faithfully pays child support still and we are praying for that whole situation to somehow change for the better. Like Undine said, that situation caused him at may times to thank me and express his gratefulness of allowing him to be apart of the children's life so when he just takes off and go to a theme park, that's not something you can just do everyday or every week like going to the movies it takes planning with your family and it's an experience you would want to experience with them in order to develop a bond and create memories not just go off with another family and keep it a secret. If the case was that it was just him and the boys still we have a little boy at home also that he could of took.

I don't know what's wrong with him, but his words and actions appear to contradict each other. If I try to put myself into his shoes, to understand why on earth would he secretly join a different family to a themed park, the only thing which comes to my mind is that he is a follower, not a leader/organiser. He finds it easier to lie than to take charge of things.

He went there as a grown up a child, not as a responsible adult...

I think you need to clarify things with him. I've been with a Pisces for years and the lack of initiative was an issue. He seemed to expect me to take charge of everything....while giving the impression that he was very polite to let me do it.

The only way that worked was to TAKE TURNS in planning the next event/outdoor/holiday. We felt more engaged and competitive and less "taken for granted" and resentful this way. The most important thing in a relationship is that both of them are pulling the weight!

Listen. He calls me just now and this time i answer. I didn't tell him anything that I know he lied. He asked about me and the kids and the pets. I said we are fine. He says he loves me and misses me. In which i didnt reply to that. He then tells me that they are going to the Gun range because it's one of the kids birthday and he will be headed home after that. I just said okay and hung up

I started to ponder yesterday what was really up. And this same scenario clicked to me. This is the first time I'm hearing that it was someone's birthday. And it's funny because I Hurd him talking about the Gun range long ago with his friend so it was already planned.

What upsets me is that he had to lie and say that he was going to help his friend move. And that next time we would all go and relax when things aren't crazy. But thats what he was doing this whole time.I highly doubt that his friends spouse and whoever else didnt take part in the activity but even if they didn't and it is just boys like I said we have a boy at home that he could have taken with him and if you as a grown man have to lie about something like that there is a huge problem and it is affecting the trust. When I walked him to the car to put his bags in and say his son was there all excited. If he was honest I could have at least wished him a happy birthday or something. Instead me there clueless to anything like an idiot.

I'm just waiting to let him know to his face that what he did is under acceptable. Like I feel he thinks it's okay because he told me half truth it's disgusting and I can't be phoney and laugh with someone I'm trying to build something with and they are looking me in the face not being truthful.

Right. And that's exactly what I will tell him is that he went as a child and not an adult because he had to be secretive about it. I just look at it as plain selfish and I dislike to say that but I look back at times when I planned something and he made it very difficult because he had plans to do whatever else and i had to work around him and what he felt as more convenient. your right it takes both people and not me having to initiate all the time or request all the time. I dont like that position.The minute his friends want to barbecue and watch sports he jumps up and i dont complain or give him a hard time. He acts the same way as if everthing is fine and he is happy for me to do things as well. It's just very hurtful to know that I'm giving my all doing my part in things everyday and then to be lied to flat out. And if the shoe where turned you would think it's the end of the world how he would behave.

Jeez OP, I'm sorry you are going through all this with your man. I dunno, but the biggest red flag to me is he went to a huge theme park with another family! He lied to you about it, but why didn't he invite you and your kids? Only thing I can think of is he is acting out in passive aggressive ways because I think( could be wrong) he feels backed into a corner and the resentment is coming out. I know some Pisces males and this is quite typical•

Posted by marleneray20
Right. And that's exactly what I will tell him is that he went as a child and not an adult because he had to be secretive about it. I just look at it as plain selfish and I dislike to say that but I look back at times when I planned something and he made it very difficult because he had plans to do whatever else and i had to work around him and what he felt as more convenient. your right it takes both people and not me having to initiate all the time or request all the time. I dont like that position.The minute his friends want to barbecue and watch sports he jumps up and i dont complain or give him a hard time. He acts the same way as if everthing is fine and he is happy for me to do things as well. It's just very hurtful to know that I'm giving my all doing my part in things everyday and then to be lied to flat out. And if the shoe where turned you would think it's the end of the world how he would behave.

I think we agree that is a slightly different experience if he joined two responsible adults and their kids, than if he was in charge of planning the day and looking after yours/his kids! You see, the former appears much easier and merrier than the latter!

Yes, you have to be tough but also let him know that you understand him better than himself! This is important, since feeling misunderstood often equals feeling that you are in the wrong relationship! Be calm and make your wishes clear. That lying is unacceptable to you. It will always be discovered (since you understand him so well 😉) and make things far worse than if he voices his true intentions (that you are willing to consider). That you want to go to a themed park and everywhere together, as a family in the future. That one could still feel like he is "one of the kids" and have fun for a day, while being protective and in charge of things at the same time.

@Arieslove. Just because we are not married doesn't excuse him from going about things a certain way or to be responsible and act as an adult. If we both agreed that we have the intentions to marry each other and he express and show the willingness or desire to be apart of a child's life as a role model then he can not expect to not be held accountable. I am not trying to force him to do anything and like I have said I have allowed him to have his own time and do the things he likes. Off course we have had alone time but the alone time included just stay around the house which leads him to watch his sports and not engaging and some men and I believe he considers that as enough Instead of going on a date because we are already "together". Or we will go to a friend's house. I had a friend tell me that her husband and says all the time that because they are physically together means they are spending time. Yes he is here with us but what are we doing. Just physically being there is not enough. You have to engage. It is my responsibility as his woman to let him know what I want and expect. And vise verse. He tells me to communicate with him and it's my job. So if I express my feelings I don't understand why it has to that i am nagging and not considered as communicating with your spouse. I understand yes it is a short period we have been together however I highly believe that it is beneficial to make your expectations clear and learn who you are dealing with before marriage because if I don't try to nourish or encourage bonding( not force or nagg) or a family balanced life style and work life and everything that comes with a healthy relationship like truthfulness from now then I can not expect it during marriage. He again has told me to communicate with him so that's exactly what I will do and I will make it clear that his actions need to match up with what he says instead of taking the easy way out of a situation. Your right. At the end of the day I will have to decide if I'm going to move on if his lying continues again or whatever. But I do not agree that I am forcing him to bond after he put himself in this situation to be with me and the kids. I agree that things naturally happen however it's not magic things have to be discussed and planned and shouldn't be considered as nagging.

Do you know his other placements, moon, venus, mars, mercury....

Moonbutter both you and Arieslove said the same thing about him being resentful or backed into a corner.

I don't understand(if thats it) why he would feel like that when I told him and gave him the option to back away from our relationship and the situation but he didn't want that. I told him to not worry about me and the kids.

AriesLove,

I made it clear to him I do not want to playhouse and he the same. At the same time No body doesn't want to be underpressure to marry either and you don't want to seem as if you are going to fast either. But I'm going to try to clarify with him like you said what we are doing exactly and his Intentions because I don't want him to feel guilty or ashamed of anything and I don't want to feel that way either or for the kids.

Yes we have had adult time from the kids but I do not want to have to say let's do this or that all the time I feel it should be initiated on his part also because he wants to as well and not just doing it for me. I feel that he has gotten comfortable a lot and expects me to do everything. But like you have said the big thing I want to address is why he lied and what are we doing at this point?

He may not need to hear your "feelings", but clear guidelines to what a good relationship for you is. When you are calm, just make a list of the things you want more of, and a smaller list of the things you want less of. Always emphasise on the positive. He could do the same. You need to reach a realistic agreement that both of you are happy with.

Don't worry to put your foot down. Pisces like strong, assertive women! Not mad, but assertive!

Posted by marleneray20
Moonbutter both you and Arieslove said the same thing about him being resentful or backed into a corner.

I don't understand(if thats it) why he would feel like that when I told him and gave him the option to back away from our relationship and the situation but he didn't want that. I told him to not worry about me and the kids.

They probably assume he is a pussy, unable to fight his corner or pull his weight...

Undine. No I do not. I don't know the exact time he was born. His birthday is Feb 23 1981 and mine is Jan 29 1986

@Undine,

🙂 lol.

I have no intentions on cornering him. Lol. That's just not my nature. I feel people should be free to make there decisions about what they want just don't lie about it or have motives. I've always told him tell the truth and leave it up to the other person to accept or reject but the truth is out and no one can get upset. The best thing that could happen is an understanding. I would never force him to do something I just know that, that behavior coming from a grown man is not normal.

Posted by marleneray20
@Undine,

🙂 lol.

I have no intentions on cornering him. Lol. That's just not my nature. I feel people should be free to make there decisions about what they want just don't lie about it or have motives. I've always told him tell the truth and leave it up to the other person to accept or reject but the truth is out and no one can get upset. The best thing that could happen is an understanding. I would never force him to do something I just know that, that behavior coming from a grown man is not normal.

There could be many possibilities, but you guys live together so that is not an easy break up for one. Two, sometimes things that truly bother us don't surface until later and we realize it's too late and we "backed our selves into a corner" I don't think he's a pussy, but I think he got involved in a situation he thought he could handle but it's not what he ultimately wants. I would say at this point I'm sorry but I don't see things ending well here”

Arieslove,

I'm not saying that he is not a kind person. Your best friend and him are totally different people who have been through different experiences and raised differently and learned differently so there will not be the same choices or even opinion on certain things. We did not move together with issues. We had no issues. But after a while people become comfortable in a relationship and you discover who a person is and hiw they hadle things. To keep things working it takes two and it takes addressing when problems arise to make the relationship stronger.

I still don't understand why you feel I'm forcing him if I'm addressing his behavior.

Basically your saying then I should end it instead of talking about it with him. I'm not going to expect him to be this perfect person but I expect him to develop. Has he developed in the relationship, yes he have and so have I but it's not easy to just part like that especially when kids are involved.

But like I have said I have given him the option to go and he chose to stay. I understand what you are saying sometime talking repetitive does not work and I have found that with him it takes an action for him to follow or learn. You have to be a role model for him to reflect the same positive behavior. The thing is I haven't reflect or lied to him about anything.

Moonbutter I king of agree and I really would not like for him to be in a place of now his is having doubts or regrets because that is the only reason I feel he would be have like that and I'm going to really zoom in on that aspect also when we talk.

Thank you again for all your responses.i really feel a lot better and think that I can be calm About the situation it's just he know how to hit my trigger button when he is being all nice and sweet but then lies to my face.

You ALREADY KNOW the answer.

You instincts work really well... and you're a

good mom for noticing this stuff, regarding

your kids (who need you to stick up for them).

I hope @starlover commented in here, somewhere.


🙂

You and your family deserve better than this.

Js

Ariesbutter it's true I have to make the decision on what's best for us. It is very hard to just walk away like that. It's not easy.

Montgomery,

Thank you,

No Starlove did not comment.

And yes we do deserve better. Like I agree with Aries love that things take time. It's the why of would you do something that causes a negative and no trust. There is a problem there.

You all are really pointing our things I agree with and things I really want to zero in on.