Do I have the right to be angry?

I met a man last summer (he's a Cancer, I'm a pisces) & we became very close friends. I mean really close. We never actually slept together, but the feelings were unreal & incredibly intense. We did everything together. We turned romantic twice, but he stopped it both times, saying he wasn't ready for relationship. I backed off both times. He's 40 and I'm 36. I have 2 small children. He has 2 grown children. He's smart, funny, easy to be with, & charming. He loves his family as much as I love mine - he was awesome in every way. I'm a "good girl", committed to my family, work, & friends. We seemed to be so on the same page!

About 9 months into our friendship/relationship at a time when our emotions were getting serious again, I started hanging out with a friend of mine. Our sons are very close friends. She's 26, also a Pisces, but has much looser morals than I do. She knew how I felt about him. She could see the deep respect we had for each other. She could see the sparks between us. She has 2 children who are my children's ages. But she slept around a lot & drank & did pot a lot. At first, the 3 of us were fine. He gave her fatherly advice on how to deal with her ex & how to manage her children. In the meantime, we had cooled off a bit again. He told me he might even love me, but he just couldn't get into a relationship right now. He was moving across the country and it wasn't fair to start something. He wouldn't sleep with me because he cared so much about me. He'd do anything for me - one of the few people in this world he'd drop everything for. (I do recognize these are all lines now).

I could see she had a crush on him. They both swore they'd never be together. He was too old for her. She was too flighty. His daughter is only 4 years younger than she is. Blah, blah, blah. Next thing I knew, I found out they were seeing each other behind my back. He started sleeping with her. They drank & did pot together.

Am I wrong to be angry here? They both know it can never lead to anything meaningful. They both knew how I felt about him. I know how he SAID he felt about me! They denied anything between them for months! I confided in her about him so many times!

Feeling used & abused here. I was only ever good to them both. Any thoughts? I'm not friends with her anymore. I still do coffee with him, but that's all. I won't let him close again.

Yeah, shows what kind of a friend she is...that's for sure. She listened to me pour my heart out. She saw the connection we had. Now I can't bring myself to be friends with her all. And him...well, any closeness between us is totally gone now. I can't trust him. When he backed off the last time, he said he didn't want ANY relationship, meaning with anyone...but when he did, it would be with his best friend. And then he told me I'm his best friend. He said love is a strong word, but he cares so deeply. I'm the one person on this earth he'd drop anything for. What a crock. If I could see her being good for him, I might even be happy for them. Right now, all I see is betrayal on both their parts.

I get the impression the cancer dude is emotionally distraught. Thats why he slept with her...and is drinking and with the pot and all...

He has been through a lot in the past year. He had medical problems and financial strain...but that doesn't absolve him. If he had told me he's not interested, then maybe I'd be ok with it. If she had told me, "I'm interested", I might've been mad, but I might be ok. It's the lies, the secrecy, and the fact that NEITHER OF THEM respected our supposed deep friendships enough to even consider how I felt.

I don't do pot. I don't drink on a regular basis. That's who I thought he was too. Since she's been around, he's turned into someone unrecognizable.

wOw.. i think you are being WAY too nice and understanding. They completely betrayed your trust. No loyalty. Zip. F**k them both and cut them off. If he texts you again tell him exactly what you think of him... then never speak to him again.

People can never respect your boundaries... if you don't show them what they are.

Thank you all for your comments. I do appreciate them. I think every one of you is right.

Nightbynight - the thing about the drinking and smoking pot is that he totally changed his personality around her. I knew him to be a dedicated, loyal man who didn't party. In fact, I heard him speak out many time against it. It wasn't his cup of tea. It's interesting that she was able to "loosen him up" that much. I don't even know him anymore. Totally different guy!

Shellshocker - thank you for your comment. Those are my thoughts too. Cut the ties. It's horrible because out of this, I lost my best friend, another friend, and then there's the countless other people that got hurt through this too. SHe has been going back and forth between my friend and her ex...sometimes in the same night! Out of this, her mother gets hurt because the kids keep getting pawned off on her, the ex is hurt because he has idea what to think anymore (but that's his fault too because he keeps taking her back), my son gets hurts because her son is his best friend, and her kids get hurt because they're constantly being pawned off and they have no idea if their parents are together or if she's with my friend. COMPLETE SELFISHNESS.

Oldskoolflavor - you're right too! He has been a father since being a teenager. He raised his 2 little girls on his own and now that they're older and moving out, he's on his own for the first time in his life. He has nobody to need him. I still don't think that excuses him though. He threw away our friendship and our potential relationship. He was my best friend in all the world and I'm feeling lost without him.

Am I wrong in thinking this is contradictory to a Cancer man's nature as well?

So wait.. you're mad that he turned out to be different than your rosy glasses of budding infatuation thought he was? Count yourself lucky.. most women don't find out THAT valuable info until AFTER she's slept with him and hooked on him.

Or are you angry that he didn't just go ahead and treat you like a piece of ass, like he's treating your friend? Sleeping with that chick doesn't mean he wants a relationship, doesn't mean he's not moving across the country, doesn't mean she's "won" anything more than a guy who will sneak around to sleep with her, like she's a secret. That's NOT a relationship, you know. That's a piece of ass.

This guy can't give you the real relationship you want/deserve -- he's not that guy, even HE knows he's not that guy. But he can give HER what SHE'S got.. a sexual relationship. She's not the lucky one, and she'll soon find that out. So why can't YOU see that?

Dude did you a favor -- now cut them both loose.. neither are even good "friend" material for you.

I'm angry that he's not the person I thought he was...yes. I'm angry that neither one of them considered our friendship boundaries important enough to "not go there". If he wanted a piece of ass, then go get some....with someone I don't care about...someone I don't confide in. There are 2 broken friendships here (on my part - a lot more other people hurting). It was never my intention to stop him from having a relationship with anyone else. I want him to be happy. If he meant from the get-go that I won't make him happy or he won't make me happy, he should have told me that. I would have let him go and continued the friendship aspect. Instead, I feel like he lead me on. Worse, he lied about it for months. Which destroyed any chance our friendship had of surviving, forget the relationship. And you're right - neither one of them is worth it. I honestly thought he was the guy he portrayed himself to be to me. And I think he was to a point. What confuses me is how he changed so completely. I agree he is definitely not the man for me. I think you have an interesting point that he can't give me what I need, but he can give her what she needs. Very interesting. I don't see it working out for them. She is very clingy, kinda whiny, and she is not dedicated to her kids at all. That will bother him in the long run because it's been his life work to be the best parent he can be.

I'm glad we didn't sleep together now. Knowing these things logically doesn't really make it hurt less.

Classic mistake, allowing a morally loose fun time girl around a guy that's not interested in developing a relationship, he'll choose the loose friend over you, so really you're the blame for not knowing this could and almost always will happen, of course it's okay to express disappointment/anger with them but at the end of the day you all are adults and adults almost always do what's best for themselves, wish them the best and keep it moving.

Drop them both, it's not really fair that you'd drop her and not drop him, he's a liar just like she is, don't act thirsty over him by accepting him back into your life after he fed you a bunch of lines and lied to you, they both are equally responsible for what happened and you should hold them both accountable, taking him back on as a friend just make you appear simple minded & thirsty you are for male attention and that's how he got one over on you the first time by recognizing how naive you are and a bit thirsty for male love so he exploited the so called friendship and he exploited your girlfriend too.

I think you have a lot of la la land emotions surrounding this guy, he pretended to be this straight up guy when really he just likes to roll around in the muck and mire with a certain type of woman, what just happened to you is WHO HE REALLY IS, try not to forget that.

Thank you Tiki! You are absolutely right.

I agree Acrabbycrab. Pot was never the issue - or the drinking. It's the about face in personality that's bothering me. I do need to let them both go. Neither are worth it.

Thanks for your comment, Theultra79. I think he meant some of what he said to me too, but they were mixed in with lies any way I look at it. He said maybe in 6 months he'd feel differently if he didn't move across the country. He said he would never hurt me. How on earth he figured that sleeping with a friend of mine wouldn't hurt is beyond me! He purposely left me believing that he cared and he would take it another level if he thought he was staying here rather than move acros the country. If he wanted to sleep with someone, go do it with someone I don't know! Why her? So yes, I did feel it as a direct slap across the face.

Whatever happened to the "off limits" rules? Bros before hoes, sisters before misters. I would never cross those lines and I guess I didn't want to believe either of them would either.

Naive Pisces, as someone said earlier...living in the Pisces dream world. Putting him on a pedistal he didn't deserve and then bringing a loose cannon around him. It is my fault as well.

You keep coming back to the "Why did he do it with HER, my friend, someone I know?" because YOU AREN'T TRULY GETTING IT.. you keep thinking why would he DO that, and that he is the type of man who would have treated you and your friendship/relationship with concern and respect, because YOU DO. What you aren't GETTING is that he clearly lacks integrity. I know you THOUGHT/THINK he's this great guy, this wonderful friend and family man, a respectful and upstanding kind of guy.. but that was the facade! What you are seeing now is the REAL HIM.. and the real him is a man who lacks respect and integrity.. and who would fuck your friend behind your back and LIE about it and think that's okay. That makes him poor friendship material.. but you can't wrap your mind around that.. you keep falling back on the fact that you saw him differently, better... and so he must be better than this, and this is somehow a mistake or a fluke.

IT'S NOT A FLUKE. HE'S NOT BETTER. HE'S NOT AWESOME. He's the kind of guy who doesn't want a relationship he has to WORK at, just wants the easy lay even if (or maybe ESP IF) that easy chick should be off-limits! He's the type of guy who sneaks around with your friend and lies to you. THAT'S HIM. That wonderful man you were falling in love with? THAT'S NOT HIM.

So why expect a man who lacks integrity to carry himself in an honorable way? You have to let GO of this IMAGE you have of him in your mind.. he has now SHOWN you what he really is, how he really is, how he really does things, how he really handles his life.. BELIEVE IT. And be glad you found this out BEFORE you got in deeper.

Her too. This isn't about gender bashing. They're both severely lacking in integrity and common courtesy and honesty. Blow them a kiss and wish them well (or flip them off *shrug*) and keep it moving. They deserve each other, and while they're stuck rolling around in the mud and the muck with one another.. you're on your way to bigger and better things. Trust.

I would beat her ass & his. 😄

Posted by RealTalk
I would beat her ass & his. 😄

I'd get a hot new outfit, some killer shoes, and some serious arm candy with whom to sashay all around town *shrug*

Know what, Nefer - that's great advice! I agree - I'm having a hard time getting past the man I thought he was. I wanted him to be that man, I guess. But you're right - those are his true colours. I can never trust him again or offer him even my friendship. They DO deserve each other!

So yes - I'm gonna go out and have some fun! There's got to be some quality men out there somewhere!

Posted by Nefer

Posted by RealTalk
I would beat her ass & his. 😄

I'd get a hot new outfit, some killer shoes, and some serious arm candy with whom to sashay all around town *shrug*

click to expand

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! Hahahaha...after I knock the shit out of them...😛

Know what's going to knock the shit out of him? When his Fallback Girl suddenly starts going out with other guys (instead of waiting around for HIM to decide he wants her).. when his Backburner Girl decides to go out and have her own fabulous, wonderful, fulfilling life.. WITHOUT HIM.. and that alone will suddenly make her more attractive. WAY more attractive -- TO ALL GUYS.

And then when his injured male ego finally makes him say something about her "suddenly changing" and "suddenly dating these guys" and "suddenly having no time for him"... and she blinks and shrugs and says calmly and sort of in a curious but slightly baffled way, "Oh.. I can see why you'd feel surprised by all of this.. the way I understood things was that you and I were friends, and romance was out of the question. Did I have that part wrong? Huh, imagine that. Well, sweetie, I really have to run, I've got plans tonight. Talk to you later? Okay, buh-bye now. *click*"

.. and then watch him squirm and burn... and take another long hard look at his easy lay.

MUCH more evil than a mere fat lip.. those heal in a week or so.

Welp, he can have a fat lip & a bruised ego. I don't care how long it takes to heal, he'll be hurt either way.

You crack me up, Nefer! Lol Yup - that's a great plan! I'm not doing the back burner thing no way no how. It's funny how advice from strangers can make so much sense! Thank you!

I think it's a good idea to move on. If he gets hurt, he gets hurts. I won't be around to worry about it!

Thank you Harry - I can see your point for sure. The "story" I'm getting from them(and I know better now than believe a single word either one of them say) is that one night they got drunk & stoned and it just kinda happened. Of course, that doesn't explain all the occurences after that.

The reason I'm angrier at her more than him, for lack of a better way to put it, is that he showed no interest in her at all for at least the first couple months. He made it clear that he wasn't interested in her. He was still acting very much the gentleman at that time. He was still making it totally clear that he had feelings for me. Basically, he lead me on. She started throwing herself at him. She started showing up to our coffees in a night club dress - accidentally popping her bra, etc. She was really very pathetic. Being that they both expressed they would never cross that line and risk hurting a friendship with me, that's where I am having problems. Especially because they lied about it and tried to cover it up like nothing was happening at all. Nonetheless, I'm inclined to agree that I made a few mistakes. First of all, introducing them, knowing what she is. Secondly, not recognizing that this was likely his true nature and making a million excuses for him. Neither one of them thought twice about crossing our lines of friendship. Neither one of them took into consideration all the people that got hurt because of their actions, not just me. He did apologize for hurting me. She didn't. Not that that makes a difference now.

I am going to stop speaking with both of them. Honestly, I'm so done. I really appreciate everyone's answer. There were some really great points that helped me clarify how I feel and what to do next! All in all, I feel a whole lot better. Thanks everyone

"The reason I'm angrier at her more than him, for lack of a better way to put it, is that he showed no interest in her at all for at least the first couple months. "

Oh he was INTO her the moment he laid eyes on her, he knew he could get the ass without all the friendship crap he had going on with you, his d*ck was on her day one, he wanted to have sex with her, he wanted her the moment he laid eyes on your friend.

I think you believed and trusted this man way too much which is a blind spot that hinders you from seeing him for who he really is. You got one thing right, he led you on but maybe you just saw what you wanted to see, if he didn't actually allow himself to be involved with you romantically well he wasn't that into you or he would have sealed the deal. I think it was just hard for him to let go of a good woman, you're steady, you're reliable, you're his cheer leader, you support him so he said what he felt but he knew he was never going to be ALL IN with you and instead of saying that to you he took the EASY WAY OUT, he said it through sleeping with your friend. He's not the guy he led you to believe he was.

"She started throwing herself at him. She started showing up to our coffees in a night club dress - accidentally popping her bra, etc. She was really very pathetic. Being that they both expressed they would never cross that line and risk hurting a friendship with me, that's where I am having problems."

They lied, they both LIED and that's what you're avoiding, you still hope you can have this guy as a friend and some day be his girlfriend, when it comes to that train of thought you are selling yourself short, taking the doormat route, you can do so much better, tell them both to sod off and forget em, forgive em & forget them.

They were never your friends, this is what you have to accept so you can be at peace, friends don't do what they did, they just don't do it. You took on 2 morally bankrupt people as friends and that's something you have to resolve, you don't surround yourself with people that don't mirror some of the same qualities you have for yourself or yeah you'll most likely get burned.

You'll be fine, go out and have a good time making new friends and keep your eyes peeled for a great guy, he'll find you.

Posted by PiscesPeach

The reason I'm angrier at her more than him, for lack of a better way to put it, is that he showed no interest in her at all for at least the first couple months. He made it clear that he wasn't interested in her. He was still acting very much the gentleman at that time. He was still making it totally clear that he had feelings for me.

That makes zero sense.

You say you are angrier at her ... then describe how you feel about HIS actions.

Be real .. you're jealous, not angry. Because you didn't describe angry, you described jealous.


If you can't be real ... then all this is nothing more than blah, blah, blah

Believe me, I've been through this in my head 1,000 times. I am angry at him. But it just doesn't matter anymore because I'm done with both of them. I'm aware that neither were real friends. Actually, this forum has been fantastic because it really put things in perspective for me. I'm going to walk away with my head held high. They can have each other.

And btw, NO you don't have a right to be angry ... because niether one of them owe you anything. They are allowed to live their lives according to thier own choices, and don't have to cater to your feelings.

He was never your boyfriend in any way ... so you have no ownership over him in any way.

You knew she was a slut, and chose to include her with you while trying to win over a man to whom you won't fuck.



Seriously .. how stupid can you be?

Seriously P - Angel - I was just trying to be a good friend to her while she dealt with the break up of her relationship. My friendship with him was already established and he gave me every indication that we would go somewhere if things changed a bit in the future. I knew and accepted that we were nothing but really good friends. But he lead me on. If it makes me stupid to believe in our friendship, that makes me stupid. Fine - I'm naive. Fine- I made the classic mistake of bringing her around him. C'est la vie.

Well, Nic, I don't think anyone is worth being jealous over.

In this situation, it sounds as though she spent an enormous amount amount of time trying to sway him to her using nothing except the image of a "good girl" .... a guy will go along with that for a short period of time .. however, meanwhile, he's horny.

so what do you do?

you invite a slut friend of yours, you introdue them, you ask her to escort you when with him .... then you get upset because they fuck each other?


does anyone besides me see that something is wrong with this picture?

Posted by PiscesPeach

I started hanging out with a friend of mine.

... she slept around a lot & drank & did pot a lot. At first, the 3 of us were fine.

He told me he might even love me, but he just couldn't get into a relationship right now.

I could see she had a crush on him.

I found out they were seeing each other behind my back. He started sleeping with her. They drank & did pot together.

The thing that you fail to understand is that you only can control your own actions. You seem to think that the two of them were suppose to perform in their lives, according to your standards ... yet, you are the only one who directs your life for you.

They don't owe you anything, never have.

You said yourself that you recognized that your slut friend had a crush on him. If your brain didn't tell you at that very moment that you needed to remove her from him .. then this is all your fault.

In fact, everything in your life is your responsibility, beit praise or blame.

According to what you wrote in here .. you and him were just friends. He expressed to you several times that he didn't want a relationship with you at that time. If you failed to hear his words due to your desperate heart, that isn't his fault, nor is it the fault of the slut.

He told you straight up .... he didn't want a relationship .. so in your lack of infinite wisdom, you introduced him to your slut friend.


This stupid badge is yours to wear in this scenario, you earned it.

Thank you, Harry 🙂

Thank you, BikerChick. It's all good. It wasn't meant to be and I'm good with it. Forum boards are great therapy.

It will be 🙂 Thanks again

"Do I have the right to be angry?"

Whatever you feel about anything is nobody's business except YOURS. So I guess you have the right. What you shouldn't do is to make it someone else's business, i.e. don't act on impulse! Maybe you could let your loved ones give you a shoulder to cry on. You could let them give you a hand. Don't abuse, though. You will have to move on and walk eventually.

Thank you Blue

Posted by Nefer
So wait.. you're mad that he turned out to be different than your rosy glasses of budding infatuation thought he was? Count yourself lucky.. most women don't find out THAT valuable info until AFTER she's slept with him and hooked on him.

Or are you angry that he didn't just go ahead and treat you like a piece of ass, like he's treating your friend? Sleeping with that chick doesn't mean he wants a relationship, doesn't mean he's not moving across the country, doesn't mean she's "won" anything more than a guy who will sneak around to sleep with her, like she's a secret. That's NOT a relationship, you know. That's a piece of ass.

This guy can't give you the real relationship you want/deserve -- he's not that guy, even HE knows he's not that guy. But he can give HER what SHE'S got.. a sexual relationship. She's not the lucky one, and she'll soon find that out. So why can't YOU see that?

Dude did you a favor -- now cut them both loose.. neither are even good "friend" material for you.

Perfectly said once again Nef, listen to this woman and actually hear what she is saying to you!

Your avatar always makes me smile LVG 😄

Thanks Sweethearts. I am listening to Nefer - I agree she's totally right!