Dumped out of the blue

It seems like Christmas is the time to get dumped - at least this is the second time in a row that it's happening to me. Last year it literally happened on Christmas Eve, when my boyfriend of some 3 months told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me to come over and pick my stuff from his place. That breakup was hell for me, and I spent some incredibly painful 4 months just trying to pick myself up.

Maybe I would have picked myself up - eventually - but I ended up not needing to, because come May I met an amazing guy who turned my world upside down - and made me fall crazy in love. He was deployed at the time, so we spent 5 months doing nothing but talking - online and on the phone - and by the end of September we met in person and added the physical aspect to our relationship. Everything seemed to be going great, he went away for work at the beginning of December and we were both looking forward to being reunited for Christmas... Then, last night, he told me that, while he still loves me and thinks I am an amazing woman, he has fallen in love with another girl and, since the feeling is mutual, he is pursuing a relationship with her. I was dumbfounded. Still am. I literally can't pick myself up - nor do I know where to start. This guy and I, we had built such deep intimacy, shared the most sacred things - both physically and emotionally - promised each other again and again that we would withstand all storms together...

He keeps telling me that he is sorry, that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but this is just how he feels. So my question is... what do I do NOW? How do I escape this hell I find myself once more thrown into? Where do I start?

Posted by rebecca83
It seems like Christmas is the time to get dumped - at least this is the second time in a row that it's happening to me. Last year it literally happened on Christmas Eve, when my boyfriend of some 3 months told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me to come over and pick my stuff from his place. That breakup was hell for me, and I spent some incredibly painful 4 months just trying to pick myself up.

Maybe I would have picked myself up - eventually - but I ended up not needing to, because come May I met an amazing guy who turned my world upside down - and made me fall crazy in love. He was deployed at the time, so we spent 5 months doing nothing but talking - online and on the phone - and by the end of September we met in person and added the physical aspect to our relationship. Everything seemed to be going great, he went away for work at the beginning of December and we were both looking forward to being reunited for Christmas... Then, last night, he told me that, while he still loves me and thinks I am an amazing woman, he has fallen in love with another girl and, since the feeling is mutual, he is pursuing a relationship with her. I was dumbfounded. Still am. I literally can't pick myself up - nor do I know where to start. This guy and I, we had built such deep intimacy, shared the most sacred things - both physically and emotionally - promised each other again and again that we would withstand all storms together...

He keeps telling me that he is sorry, that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but this is just how he feels. So my question is... what do I do NOW? How do I escape this hell I find myself once more thrown into? Where do I start?

So sorry to hear... well at least the last guy was honest and told you why instead of simply pulling the disappearing act. So now you have closure.

But that's nothing you have to settle for!

Be more selective in the future when dating someone. Make your boundaries clear, don't wait months for things to get serious - your time is precious and you need to value it more. Nothing wrong in telling the next guy that you are only up for serious relationships if everything fits and that you won't entertain someone nor will you play his emotional bin. The wrong ones will be gone in a second and the right one will step up and give you what you want - because you demand it without any excuses.

Be more selective in the future when dating someone. Make your boundaries clear, don't wait months for things to get serious - your time is precious and you need to value it more. Nothing wrong in telling the next guy that you are only up for serious relationships if everything fits and that you won't entertain someone nor will you play his emotional bin. The wrong ones will be gone in a second and the right one will step up and give you what you want - because you demand it without any excuses.

That's part of what is making this so hard. This guy knew exactly how badly I had been hurt in my previous relationship, and wowed to make it right for me, invested quite a bit of time and effort in convincing me that he wasn't going to do the same, that he was different from most guys... The relationship WAS serious - we were exclusive right from the start and I was loyal to the bones. And I trusted him blindly. I did ask him once why his phone was always in silent mode, but he said he was simply annoyed at the frequent notifications. Turns out, there was this woman he had been feeling attracted to even before meeting me, so he kind of hid it from her that he was in a relationship, and when this other woman started flirting with him via text messages, he suddenly decided he was in love with her and dumped me...

Only a few days ago he was my closest friend, my person, my everything. Since last night... I am lost.

Posted by rebecca83

Be more selective in the future when dating someone. Make your boundaries clear, don't wait months for things to get serious - your time is precious and you need to value it more. Nothing wrong in telling the next guy that you are only up for serious relationships if everything fits and that you won't entertain someone nor will you play his emotional bin. The wrong ones will be gone in a second and the right one will step up and give you what you want - because you demand it without any excuses.

That's part of what is making this so hard. This guy knew exactly how badly I had been hurt in my previous relationship, and wowed to make it right for me, invested quite a bit of time and effort in convincing me that he wasn't going to do the same, that he was different from most guys... The relationship WAS serious - we were exclusive right from the start and I was loyal to the bones. And I trusted him blindly. I did ask him once why his phone was always in silent mode, but he said he was simply annoyed at the frequent notifications. Turns out, there was this woman he had been feeling attracted to even before meeting me, so he kind of hid it from her that he was in a relationship, and when this other woman started flirting with him via text messages, he suddenly decided he was in love with her and dumped me...

Only a few days ago he was my closest friend, my person, my everything. Since last night... I am lost.

click to expand

Yeah.... that sucks badly.. there will always be the possibility to get screwed over. But you have the power to move on and cut him off completely even if he comes back.

Posted by rebecca83
It seems like Christmas is the time to get dumped - at least this is the second time in a row that it's happening to me. Last year it literally happened on Christmas Eve, when my boyfriend of some 3 months told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me to come over and pick my stuff from his place. That breakup was hell for me, and I spent some incredibly painful 4 months just trying to pick myself up.

Maybe I would have picked myself up - eventually - but I ended up not needing to, because come May I met an amazing guy who turned my world upside down - and made me fall crazy in love. He was deployed at the time, so we spent 5 months doing nothing but talking - online and on the phone - and by the end of September we met in person and added the physical aspect to our relationship. Everything seemed to be going great, he went away for work at the beginning of December and we were both looking forward to being reunited for Christmas... Then, last night, he told me that, while he still loves me and thinks I am an amazing woman, he has fallen in love with another girl and, since the feeling is mutual, he is pursuing a relationship with her. I was dumbfounded. Still am. I literally can't pick myself up - nor do I know where to start. This guy and I, we had built such deep intimacy, shared the most sacred things - both physically and emotionally - promised each other again and again that we would withstand all storms together...

He keeps telling me that he is sorry, that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but this is just how he feels. So my question is... what do I do NOW? How do I escape this hell I find myself once more thrown into? Where do I start?

well it sounds like you put your HOPES for this man.

never do that, unless they give you an engagement ring.





put this behind you if you can, go out with your girlfriends and have a good time, spend alot of time with people to give you distraction, go out and have a good time this christmas. shopping and enjoying the christmas lights and new years too.



lesson learned.

Posted by RedemptionSong
Cheap bastards. Probably don't want to buy gifts.

Could be some true in this. My ex dumps meaningful relationships during November, out of the blue 🙂.

Posted by Undine

Posted by RedemptionSong
Cheap bastards. Probably don't want to buy gifts.

Could be some true in this. My ex dumps meaningful relationships during November, out of the blue 🙂.

click to expand

they're not meaningful if you're dumped. 😢

and it's december now.

You have known these two guys in person for less than 3 months. How come they took over your life so much, that you don't know what to do with yourself?

Please learn the lesson this time and do not let yourself fall in love so easily and desperately. Most budding relationships do not survive the first 6 months. That time is called dating, when you get to know a new person. It should not take over your life. They could discover at any time something that they don't like about you, or the fact that you lack something they want or need. And vice versa.

You should be able to continue having an interesting life while dating, and offer tempting snippets of it when you meet. Nobody is responsible for your previous misadventures or dating to rescue you! "Damaged goods" is off putting for most.

Take your time to heal, find new hobbies and become a better variant of yourself, before considering dating again. Spend the Christmas with friends and family.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by Undine

Posted by RedemptionSong
Cheap bastards. Probably don't want to buy gifts.

Could be some true in this. My ex dumps meaningful relationships during November, out of the blue 🙂.

they're not meaningful if you're dumped. 😢

and it's december now.

click to expand

They were meaningful for several years before that 🙂

Thank you to everyone who responded. The cheap bastards comment made me smile because yeah, ok, the first guy did give me a cheap present the day he broke up with me, but that was hardly relevant. The other, though, bought me rather expensive presents throughout the relationship.

I am confused about this whole concept of „dating”. The man I;m hurting for is in the military - that;s why we couldn;t meet in person for the first five months. But during that period we spent all of our free time together - because we both craved each other;s company so much. We talked about family and personal issues and it was amazing how well we „got” each other. Yes, he knew I was „damaged goods” , but he made it a point of honour to help me heal, to make me happy, to offer me everything the bastard before him hadn;t.

He was the first person outside my family to tell me „I want you to be happy”. To constantly tell me how happy I made him. He was the one who made plans for the future, who kept involving me in his dreams, his hopes, his aspirations...

In his previous relationships, he;d always ended up being dumped, and as we discussed fears and insecurities, we started promising each other that we would NOT abandon each other. That we were in this for the long haul. He kept telling me how I was the woman he;d always dreamed of - and it was true we were compatible in plenty of areas. Most, I would say.

So now he;s in love with another woman and all that has gone up in smoke.

Posted by rebecca83
Thank you to everyone who responded. The cheap bastards comment made me smile because yeah, ok, the first guy did give me a cheap present the day he broke up with me, but that was hardly relevant. The other, though, bought me rather expensive presents throughout the relationship.

I am confused about this whole concept of „dating”. The man I;m hurting for is in the military - that;s why we couldn;t meet in person for the first five months. But during that period we spent all of our free time together - because we both craved each other;s company so much. We talked about family and personal issues and it was amazing how well we „got” each other. Yes, he knew I was „damaged goods” , but he made it a point of honour to help me heal, to make me happy, to offer me everything the bastard before him hadn;t.

He was the first person outside my family to tell me „I want you to be happy”. To constantly tell me how happy I made him. He was the one who made plans for the future, who kept involving me in his dreams, his hopes, his aspirations...

In his previous relationships, he;d always ended up being dumped, and as we discussed fears and insecurities, we started promising each other that we would NOT abandon each other. That we were in this for the long haul. He kept telling me how I was the woman he;d always dreamed of - and it was true we were compatible in plenty of areas. Most, I would say.

So now he;s in love with another woman and all that has gone up in smoke.

It takes a strong woman to date a military guy. Stronger than me.

They all have gfs in their hometown, gfs on base, and tinder fucks during employment. You see them 3 months of the year and the rest of the time it’s long distance.

Honestly he did you a favor, you dodged a bullet.

Posted by RedemptionSong

Posted by Undine

Posted by RedemptionSong
Cheap bastards. Probably don't want to buy gifts.

Could be some true in this. My ex dumps meaningful relationships during November, out of the blue 🙂.

He's a pro. You gotta do it the month before. What type of amateur does it in December.

click to expand

True 🙂.

For some could still be too late. His previous ex apparently shouted : "I bought you this present and now I have to give it back!"

Posted by rebecca83
It seems like Christmas is the time to get dumped - at least this is the second time in a row that it's happening to me. Last year it literally happened on Christmas Eve, when my boyfriend of some 3 months told me he just wasn't ready for a relationship and asked me to come over and pick my stuff from his place. That breakup was hell for me, and I spent some incredibly painful 4 months just trying to pick myself up.

Maybe I would have picked myself up - eventually - but I ended up not needing to, because come May I met an amazing guy who turned my world upside down - and made me fall crazy in love. He was deployed at the time, so we spent 5 months doing nothing but talking - online and on the phone - and by the end of September we met in person and added the physical aspect to our relationship. Everything seemed to be going great, he went away for work at the beginning of December and we were both looking forward to being reunited for Christmas... Then, last night, he told me that, while he still loves me and thinks I am an amazing woman, he has fallen in love with another girl and, since the feeling is mutual, he is pursuing a relationship with her. I was dumbfounded. Still am. I literally can't pick myself up - nor do I know where to start. This guy and I, we had built such deep intimacy, shared the most sacred things - both physically and emotionally - promised each other again and again that we would withstand all storms together...

He keeps telling me that he is sorry, that I didn't do anything to deserve this, but this is just how he feels. So my question is... what do I do NOW? How do I escape this hell I find myself once more thrown into? Where do I start?

Sorry that he did this to you. Did you guys have a commitment? Not that you have to say it in words that you are committed, but it looks like he did not take the commitment seriously if he so easily moved to someone else. So maybe it is good that you found out sooner that he is not reliable. I am not sure how one can prevent a heartbreak. I think some couples are just lucky that they find each other and want to be together forever. Best thing I think is to not get too attached to someone. Like they know they cannot take you for granted. But it is hard.

Posted by IamThis
I feel awful reading this. I know how hard it is to get dumped and it seems like it is out of the blue. Been there several times, the "relationships" were short, a few months maximum. I thought I would never ever do something like this to any guy. BUT.. now I have been and I am on the other side. And it feels as awful as being dumped. I feel a horrible person - first crying because noone wants me, no crying because I do not want anyone. Awful. Anyway, I just wanted to give you the point of view of the other side, because I have been on both sides and it is awful in both of them. I dumped a guy I had dated for 5 weeks - he was all in for me, very caring and good, and the beginning was so good, but he was a lot younger than I (22, I was 27), he planned on moving to another town, we had nothing to talk about really etc.. I felt heartbreaked, because he was the first guy I really like dumped! The next one came a few months later and he was just a weird human being, he was messed up and lacked any kind of emotional intelligence etc, can't even describe it. I always hoped he would change and I could help him, I thought that he just needed some help and guidance, but I figured it's doomed. I had to break up with him three times until he accepted it, and then called and texted me for two months. Okey. But NOW I'm in an impossible situation. I have been dating a GREAT guy for 4 months. We have so much in common, he is so sweet, caring, considerate, would do anything for me, says how much he cares about me, is reliable etcetc. Everything you'd want. But only now, for the past few weeks I have developed some concerns and I have to decide whether I cam live with these. He is still wonderful, but now, with the red glasses finally off, I see that although we have so much in common, there are fundamental differences in our tempremant which leads to different taste in music, humor, walking speed, movies to watch etc. I see that I am willing and up to settle with his taste, but he is not willing to settle with mine and it's and issue for me (I would listen to his music and at least somewhat try to enjoy it, while he could not to that for me). I have discovered that he lack emotional expressions, which, it turns out, I crave for. I did not know and notice it before. But it's bothering me more and more everyday. I have discovered that he lacks active listening skills, meaning that when I talk about my stuff and my worries and my happy things, he does not ask questions or response to my stories, I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a wall. Whereas I have different approach to conversations, I like to react, ask questions to let the conversation flow, react with facial expressions etc. I have noticed that he talks a lot about what he should and would do, but he do not execute. I.e. - "i feel tired all the time, it's worrying me, I should go to the doctors" - but he has still not done it after several months, though I have several times enciuraged him. He is not that confident in himself, he is afraid of several things etc. It seemed cute at the beginning, but now it annoys the crap out of me. Especially that I am not the most confident person myself either, but I can be if needed, but it is difficult to me to carry the weight of another person's fears as well ALL THE TIME. Things like that. And although he is the most caring, wonderful etc guy I have ever met, these things bother me. I did not notice these things in the beginning, I'm just now started to notice these, when we feel more relaxed with each other, when i have seen him in different situations etc. And I am afraid that I have to break it up at some point, cause my feelings that I had in the beginning are disappearing and the joy I had is fading.. These things keep bothering me more and more. But at the same time I know I will break his heart and I know he will be devasted for a very long time.

My point is - I was all in the beginning, but after discovering things, new information, getting to now him I feel he is not the right person to me. It takes time to fully get to know someone and disocver these things. Thus you can't blame someone for messing with your head or being dishonest or smth (there are of course cases where you can blame, but not always) just because he or she promised a future at the beginning and then decided differently. It really does come out of the blue and a person can seem like being all in and wanting a future - I totally am with this guy and have been at the beginning. Only now, that I am discovering the new things, I am starting to maybe back off.. Nobody has all the information for making the right decision in the beginning. It breaks my heart for him as well for me, but.. If I don't feel it, should I really play along?

Exactly 👍 There is never guarantees in a relationship. Never. Sad, but true.