First Date

So.. I've been talking to him for over a month now. Online first, where we met, then we moved on to text. We're both perverted Sags'. We flirt allot. And we talked about sex recently. Not that our flirting wasn't sexual already lol.
We're going to meet this weekend and I'm not sure what to expect. I don't know what his intentions are. I think that's the only problem for me. I like him enough and don't mind thing casual but if things start moving somewhere then that's good for me too. The problem: I fall head over heels fast. It's always been my problem, it's either this or that. I do want to practice balancing out my emotions with my mind. But what's my next move?
I think it's too soon to ask for his intentions, where he wants things to go, if to not try for more or to see where things head because, really, even I wouldn't like someone asking me on a first date. I mean, that feels like pressure, no?
But the sexual part... Grr my therapist, ex therapist (I'm on my own now - but I still have you guys), wants me to practice boundries. Half the time I don't know what the heck that word even means! Sexually, what if I want to do some things? Is it okay? And yes, I know, I'm 18 [going on 19] but I still feel like a 16 year old teen. No. Acually I feel like an infent. I mean, here I am asking others if it's an okay thing to do sexual things on a first date.
It's not that I feel uncomfortable with this whole thing. But how do I know if I'm doing it for the right reasons?
I want to do it for myself, that's for sure. I want to do it for my own pleasure. And I want this to be between him and me, and no one else involved. Like, we're both single. But how do I know what's on his mind? What if giving in so soon makes him change his intentions if from 'goes where it goes' to 'that's all it is'? Or the other way around? And when is the right time to ask the one you're dating what their intentions are?

Well one honey you've got to slow down. It's great that you've acknowledged some of your own pitfalls in the dating category (falling too fast, for example), BUT remember that acknowledgment is only the 1st step. You've actually got to put some ACTION (OR lack thereof) along with the acknowledgment. You know that you fall too quickly so now that you're in that moment when you can either mess things up or keep things casual, change things this time around. You've got to change your mindset/perspective AND actions in order to see a DIFFERENT outcome.

Slow down. Sure, we all get horny & sometimes "wonder" what that other person might be like in bed. And it's even worse if we are intellectually/slightly emotionally attached to that person already b/c it often kicks up even further our curiosity about that person sexually. BUT, there is wayyyy more to intimacy than just sex. Perhaps part of the reason you fall so quickly is b/c you often focus on or prioritize the things that are easily given nowadays like sex, for example. Nowadays there is no work or much needed effort to get into someone's pants & "find out" just how marvelous or not they are in bed. If you associate/correlate love with sex, then it's no wonder you fall fast..

Start associating dating/love/relationships with things that aren't so easily found out..with things that might take a little longer to have/see..traits like loyalty, integrity, trustworthiness, spirituality, a clean background..basically all the things most people don't showcase in the beginning like they can a pair of hot legs or a 6pack. Prioritize the things that naturally take longer & more effort to see, that way you won't fall UNTIL (and not a second before) you've finally gotten the chance to see/know those things. In other words, GET TO KNOW the people you're planning on investing energy into.

Stop treating sex & your body as if you're only good for experimenting for the sake of being curious. Ok, so what if this guy ends up being great in bed? Then what? I'm assuming you'd actually want something far beyond the shallowness of sex, so focus on & look for the other things that also make him human & a good person, that way your connection won't be so superficial or so short-lived. There's nothing better than being with someone you've actually taken the time to get to know..that person being great in bed should be the ICING on the cake, NOT the cake!

When you finally go on your date with him, shift the focus to more serious conversations. It's often the easy way out to just flirt and/or have a connection with someone that is strictly physical. Challenge yourself. See if you can change things around this time. Take a little bit of the control back. Sure, it's okay to flirt sometimes, even if that means adding a twinge of sexual hints in your messages, BUT that shouldn't be what makes you guys what you are. That shouldn't be the reason you two are still communicating.

When you guys go on the date, try to pick a place to go to that is romantic, that allows for you two be communicate in a more serious environment. Don't have your 1st date at eachother's houses, BUT then again don't go to an over-crowded place either where there's no room for peaceful & audible conversation either. If he tries to shift the convo to sex or anything strictly physical, don't let him.

Try to get to know him. Ask him those serious questions. Hell, let him ask you those serious questions. Don't ever be afraid to ask someone what they're looking for OR atleast tell them what you expect. People love standards, half of them just won't admit it. Of course it's all in how that "standards/what I'm looking for convos" goes down that can make/break a connection, BUT if you feel it needs to be had for your own personal knowing & protection, then do what you've gotta do. The KEY is to think/go about things differently this time around. It's so easy for things to turn physical b/c it requires no emotional investment. And if something long-term & emotional is what you're looking for then you've got to learn how to steer the conversations and/or take the control when necessary.

Just relax. It sounds like you don't really know what you want. Ask yourself what it is about the opposite sex that really matters to you. I'm hoping you care more about their performance in bed. What are the other things that are important to you? After figuring that out, go look for those traits. And you can look for them by putting yourself in an environment OR conversation with him that allows for those certain traits to showcase themselves.

Thanks. Half the time I don't know what I really want. It's like, romance, love, passion, desire, they burn inside me like fire! But the other half doesn't believe in any of it being possible and true. I've always been this little fantasy princess like person in my head growing up.. but now I just tell myself to half fun. And part of me wants to just have fun and enjoy myself. Sometimes I think about acting like a teenager finally, even though I'm growing out of the teen years. I've always been grown up and mature and I feel like I haven't been a kid at all. Sometimes' I think about kissing, like, how that alone was a big deal once upon a time. I want to make it that way for myself. Where even a kiss, one kiss is a huge deal. But then I feel like it's not realistic. I mean.. I don't know what I mean.
And yea we've talked about other things too. Sometime's though I was the one who'd make things sexual. And yes, it's so much easier to flirt. When I'm serious people treat me differently. Not in a bad way, but with so much respect and it usually attracts older crowds too. I haven't let myself fall into any deep conversations lately because I don't want people to take me so seriously. Yet, I still kind of do. But there's no fun in that. I guess the whole wanting to be the little kid I never was is finding it's way out. And I have to say he is pretty respectfull though. It's easy to keep the convo's clean with him but it's fun to talk dirty so lol I don't know...

Well honey, I think you just need to grow up, truly get to know YOURSELF & figure out what it is exactly that you want. And hey, there's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want or even just wanting to have fun. BUT, there is something wrong when a person who knows upfront they are not looking for anything serious, to jump into the pool of people who ARE looking for more than just fun.

It's okay to want to just have fun, BUT you can't have it both ways (have your cake & eat it too). You can't drive headfirst into the room where only those who are looking for something "serious" are sitting if you know good & well you'll run from such a thing. One, you'll be wasting HIS time, and even worse, YOUR time too. Just be honest with yourself about things. If you just want to have fun, & if that's who you really are in the moment, put yourself in situations with others where having just "fun" doesn't seem so bad.

Which is more important to you, the idea of more people taking you seriously? Or others considering you as more fun? The score may be close BUT there is usually one option that we'd all prefer a little more, even if just by 1% . Once you figure that out, do what you've gotta do. Be yourself. If you just want to live life & have fun, then claim that & be content in WHOEVER you chose to be in the moment. But don't put yourself out there, try to play in the big leagues, but yet still 2nd guess yourself, b/c if you do so, you'll end up running/pushing away both those who wanted you for something serious AND/OR those who saw you as "fun." No matter what you do, remember your goal & make sure you're NOT losing more than you are gaining.

If all you want is a fling or something no-strings-attached then be honest about that not only with yourself, BUT also with him. You'd be suprised, he might want the same thing. BUT you've got to make that clear though. Don't lead him on or make him (or anybody else) think they're signing up for 1 thing when in reality, they are signing up for another. Perhaps, someone playing those kinds of games with you is one of the reasons you fear attachment/long-term intimacy so much.

Honey trust me, there are plenty of guys out here who are right with you, who don't want anything serious yet either. And if you attract or target those kinds of guys (vs. those who want/expect the opposite), you won't have nearly as many problems or bouts of 2nd guessing yourself. And you're right, now that you're NOT a teen anymore, you've got to mature a little bit BUT honey you are STILL YOUNG. It'd be different if you were 40 or 50 sounding this way, BUT you're not. Yes, the way you go about things SHOULD change the minute you step into adult hood but that doesn't mean your sense & expectation of having fun goes away. It's when a person gets to be 25 & older (in my opinion) that they should really start settling down & preparing more for the "serious."

There's a way to have "fun" BUT YET make it so that people still respect you as a person. People love anything that represents "fun" you might attract the serious types if anything b/c although they may be content with being serious, that other person whose always "lively" represents something they wish they had OR could go back to.

No, don't go out there & sleep with the whole town or cast yourself as a target of low-self esteem. There is NOTHING wrong with just wanting to have fun as long as you do it in good taste & for all the RIGHT reasons. As long as you remember to be honest & have integrity, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be young. Just don't be "young AND dumb," & you should be fine. BUT 1st, you've got to make up your mind about who/what you want to be instead of worrying about what others are thinking just yet. YOU need to define YOU 1st. Afterwards, other's possible opinions about you won't matter nearly as much ;~)