How to get my peace back?

Bear with me, I hope this paints a vivid picture.

Myself (29 F) and my Ex (31 M) developed an insanely strong relationship and fast. We met in 2018 and fell in love very quickly after establishing a beautiful friendship. We were afraid at first due to a long distance relationship and our own preoccupations. Myself with my doctorate program and him with his flourishing and stressful business. We made it work. However, we barely dated. We skipped the dating stage. Our love flourished in the confines of the home. We would make dinners, talk about our deepest secrets, insecurities, plans of the future. Rarely did we have dates, travel, vacation etc. This was partly due to Covid hitting, and then also with my schooling. However, with Covid came great depression for me. He was willing to stick by my side through it and help me climb my way out, but I had my heels dug deep in the sand and for whatever reason at the time didn't see a way out. I started bringing up the idea of breaking up. It broke him. We decided to make things work shortly after. Then this became a new and unfortunate cycle we found ourselves in that I opened the door for. Every time there was a problem both of us were so quick to suggest breaking up. It caused serious distrust in the relationship. It almost made it feel as though there wasn't one and there wasn't future and that we were merely together because we loved each other but that the next break up was on the horizon. Seemingly so we both were always holding our breath for the next time one of us throw in the towel.

Anyway, the main issues we had revolved around

1) my need for constant reassurance. at the beginning of the relationship he was abundant with the reassurances but over time it came to a slow simmer. He believed that my need for the constant reassurance stemmed from me not being busy enough in my own life and looking to him to fill my voids. (I worked from home and was dealing with depression and he was constantly ripping and running around (he is very active)).

2) Over time because we never did anything, neither one of us initiated going out. At the beginning he was always trying to plan vacations and date nights and i couldn't get myself to go out. it seemed like a chore and i wasn't putting enough effort in. Eventually, even when i would ask and we would go on the occasonal dinner or brunch out tit was far and few in between. He made a comment to me stating that he has anxiety when it comes to asking me to do something because for so long i never wanted to and now he has a fear that i'm doing it not because i genuinly want to but because i feel forced to in order to keep us afloat.

those instances and the constant breaking up have lead us to be exhausted. we finally decided to get a clean break and try to break up for good. He told me as much as it pains him this is what is best. That he's holding me back because everytime we're not together i begin working out, going out, taking care of myself, but that whenever i'm with him i fall into the same cycles of depression and constant anxiety.

I know i have a lot of work to do internally and i believe he does to...however, i cant help but feel i'm mostly to blame for our demise. I really envisioned a future with him -- and I really believe that with therapy and some self realizations that we would have been perfect. I told him at one point that we could be so perfect and he agreed that it was all he could think about when we're not together. Today would have marked one full month of breaking up if i hadn't had a minor lapse of judgment and called him crying on Sunday. I was feeling so low, that i needed to declare my love for him and i felt pathetic following the interaction. Granted he calmed me down and explained that we're doing this for a reason...that reason being that we were stuck for 3 years in a cycle that pained both of us. He told me " i need you to move on, i'm asking you to move on". It hurt so bad to read those words. From a man that has become my best friend, but ultimately I don't disagree with him. At another weak moment during another one of our breakups he said something along the lines of "it's not fair for me to say this because I don't want to hold ourselves back from truly moving on but if we were to ever find each other again and the two people we are have grown into two people who are compatible then I would want nothing more than to lead a life with you but I think time and time again we have proven to ourselves that these versions of ourselves are causing more pain than pleasure on a consistent basis"

I guess what I'm asking is that how do i stop living in a constant state of "we're going to get back together" and take his words for face value? how do i stop believing that in the future when we're both healed there may be a way that we will find our way back together. I don't believe it's healthy to think this way -- how can a person heal into their best self when theyre doing it for an ulterior motive? I need to find myself again, outside of this relationship. I know he needs to do this for his well-being and sanity as well. This back and forth between us has made us exhausted. Any advice would be appreciated.