just releasing thoughts in my head

went out last night with couple of friends, one of my gf's has just split with her bf of 6 years and 2 children...real sad situation with him cheating and her finding out, although sounds like it was a case of oh again! Then she tells me that they met the same way...truth be told, if that's the way you gain your man...chances are thats the way you will lose them. Seen it happen alot but still feel for her and what she is dealing with now. He's presently trying to hold on to her but we both know that the other chick is waiting in the wings, he's holding her there so that when it all falls apart for him he will have someone to lean on. She knows it and is trying to be strong and move on while he bombards her mob phone with texts and calls wanting to know where she is and giving her the guilt trip of him hurting himself and throwing everything at her in desparation!!! Real sad watching her go through it and not being able to stop taking those calls which are punishing and also being helpless to do anything to help but be an ear...

So anyway we are out and these guys 3 in total have come up to hit on us...My other gf and I politely say hi but dont really converse much. The other friend talks to them even though she isnt interested she says it took them a lot of guts to come up and say hi, so she isnt going to reject them off the boot like that. I think that's honorable & will remember that next time. I've approached a guy before when I was younger and it takes alot to come up to a complete stranger and ask to dance or introduce yourself. Good for her!

She then meets someone more to her fancy and they talk and she brings him over to us and introduces him, seems nice enough. Then she decides after 20 minutes that she is going home with him. So we get his address...just in case and let her go...Wow, i understand that after what she has been through that this may be what she needs to re-build that bit of self-esteem that her partner has just damaged...I wonder how it really makes her feel though. With me I think I'd feel even more used, maybe I would feel desired for a bit and that may help me to move on. But I wonder how good I'd really feel, she doesnt seem vengeful yet...and I say that as more and more is coming out about his situation. She's not mad yet but it will come I'm positive as she works through everything and it becomes more and more real in her day to day life.

These stories and lots of others keep me single and on the defensive all the time, too scared to let myself take a chance again...

Hopefully one day though...

It cant hold you in it's warm arms and comfort you, which is what she needed Jason. As far as I know he wasnt wanting anything more either and not much was discussed personally so she wasnt leaning on him for emotional support, that's what her friends are here for...just physical...

"Then she tells me that they met the same way...truth be told, if that's the way you gain your man...chances are thats the way you will lose them."

I can never understand this either. I have friends and recently have seen celebrities (Sandra Bullock) that go out with a man that has a g/f or wife and then wonder why he cheats on them. He cheated on his last one so why is it so hard to believe he will cheat on the new one? I guess they tend to think in a way that they are "special" or maybe that they can change them. I don't know really because once I find out a guy has a g/f or a wife especially, he becomes hands off to me.

I still feel bad for my friends when this happens to them and I will certainly be there for them irregardless though. I just wish more people would realize that the saying usually holds true that "once a cheater...always a cheater."

I agree with the part about being single and on the defensive though. I am dating but now I am being more careful. I am not 'looking" to get into a relationship necessarily unless all the pieces really fall together with someone exceptional. I am dating more than one guy (not sleeping with) so that I can really see what it is I am looking for. There is just too many things that I won't stand for anymore in my life so I am making a serious point not to "settle" with just anyone. There are just too many horror stories that I have lived through with men and that I have and am seeing my friends going through!

I do hope it works out okay for your friend and I hope she doesn't go back to that loser but realizes there are other fish in the sea and we as women (and some men as well) shouldn't have to be made to feel worthless by a cheating man (or woman)!!!!

In her defence, she was already a year and a half into the relationship with him before she found out she was the other woman...very hard to walk away and she did and moved countries and he ended up following. Both the woman ended up in the same country and same general area. So which was he actually folowing— He ended up with my gf!!!!

Honestly some guys live their sad little exisitance like this! I've had 2 dates that have had gf's and unbeknown to me til after I excepted...thank goodness I am cautious and slower in that department but also only by sheer luck have I found out before anything has gotten further!!

Horror stories in abundance right here on these boards...teaching me alot but is it teaching me too much. I'm one of the most relaxed and sociable of my friends but as soon as someone approaches me I become all tense or suspicious!!! I guess if I'm interested that guard will be dropped as I have experienced most recently going out with someone that I was very interested in and it flowed easily. Pity about circumstances...just wasnt meant to be!

Maybe....not sure that she would go back, i see alot of strength in her and think that maybe it's just happened that one too many times. i guess time will tell!

Have you never just felt sooo low that all you wanted was to be was held and feel someones arms around you even for a moment so you dont feel so alone?? And not by a woman but a man...I have, most recently, not that I would with a total stranger but then it wasnt me...and I'm not judging as I havent walked a mile in her shoes. I'm part of her support system. But I can definitely understand her doing what she did...

Bella B dumped me left me for ? damn I can't remember but I am still hurt beyound repair. However If any of you women want to try to repair me I am open to that.

* Wow, i understand that after what she has been through that this may be what she needs to re-build that bit of self-esteem that her partner has just damaged...I wonder how it really makes her feel though. With me I think I'd feel even more used, maybe I would feel desired for a bit and that may help me to move on.

ahhh you don't trust the healing power of sex. The older I get, the more convinced I become that the only thing that will heal a sex wound (which is what she has) is sex.

I have seen one night stands transform someone's mindset. Hell, I had (pretty much) a one night stand transform my entire life. It isn't even just knowing you are desired, it is the spark of a connection that reminds you, it isn't over and that other possibilities might still exist. It can return your passion and desire to live.

And who knows when the last time she had sex was. It may have been years. Despite what people say we need each other and we need sex. For women, it is even more important because it connect women to their power and the divine.

Mystery works in strange ways. Who knows where her path will take her? All things are possible.

* I guess they tend to think in a way that they are "special" or maybe that they can change them.

From experience, it is usually competitive women that on some level have something to prove about their own desirability. They think by *stealing* someone else's guy that it proves their attractiveness.

Sweets I don't think your friend fits into that since she didn't know. I am talking more about people who knowingly try to take someone else's partner.

@Sweetheart...I agree that your friend going home with that stranger may not have been a quest to go replace the love she feels she's lacking at the moment. Alot of women are aware of this whole "rebound" thing & that finding someone 24 hours after they've just gotten their hearts broken doesn't necessarily mean the pain will go away. Some women will go home with a random guy shortly after a breakup, BUT not all of them do these things for the same reasons. Everyone's reason is different. I DO agree though that her going home with this random guy (for WHATEVER reason) won't liekly benefit her..not even sexually, considering you still have to be careful & get to know those you have sexual relations with. 20 minutes of pleasure with someone you don't know can cost you & have major consequences later on down the road that last way longer than those 20 minutes of pleasure. And yes, I know..not everyone really gives 2 F's about standards sometimes, & especially around the time they are dealing with a major breakup or heartbreak of some kind.

She may not be seeking emotional comfort (b/c after all, getting that from a person you just met hours ago is unrealistic & a mind trick/game we can sometimes play on ourselves), BUT she is seeking SOMETHING. And I say that b/c I don't want to assume that your friend is the type to just run off with anybody (especially sexually) just for the hell of it. Problem is, whatever that SOMETHING is that she's seeking, whether it's just simply good company OR even as far as that emotional comfort, the chances of her actually getting anything OTHER than just pleasure in the moment, are slim to none.

There are so many horror stories that potentially scare off all the single people BUT then again, I'm a firm believer that if people would just stop rushing & actually take the time out to get to know someone AND to know exactly what to look for, alot of these "confessions" or "secrets" could've been revealed, had our emotions or desperation for something (love, company, etc.) not taken over at the wrong time. Your friend just needs time to herself. Time with other strangers who might be just as big a DOG as her ex, might make things worse. The "Grass is greener on the other side" mentality always fails when that way of thinking only comes after heartbreak

The reality is that not all men (or women) are out to hurt others. BUT there's also another reality that there are alot of people who ARE out to play games & take down every person willing to come along. It sucks, but then again life is life & these things will happen sometimes even to the most cautious & most intelligent people. The key though isn't to let those horror stories skew our ways of thinking about things so much so that we over-do things in dating when it comes to like being cautious, suspicious or non-trusting up front. Some people take that stuff too far & they usually end up pushing away the actual person that actually had NO intentions on repeating the same mistakes of those in their past.

It's all about finding that balance. Not letting fear of getting hurt stop you from experiencing the good & loyal companies of others. BUT, then again not letting your desire and/or desperation for something be so strong either that it has the ability to knock all logic/intelligence & common sense out of the way. It's all about moderation. Yes, keep right on dating while being aware that some people have "I will break your heart" written on their foreheads, BUT don't stop dating all together just b/c of some A hole in the past, that truth be told, had we just listened to our intuition, we could've avoided & ran from a long time ago. Alot of us see those red flags & hear those "warning bells" sounding off, but people rarely run like hell when they're supposed to. So after staying, they finally end up getting hurt, then leave the situation with a huge microscope, paranoid about each new person they may meet. And to me, that's ridiculous b/c alot of the hurt we all have been through could've been prevented, had we just walked away when we saw it coming. In the moment, we all say, "Oh it's easier said than done," & we use that line as an excuse to stay around. BUT, yet when things finally bacfire (like our intuitions warned they would), we like taking our past hurts out on people that had NOTHING to do with or NO affiliation with the A holes in our past. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Some people try so hard to avoid their next heartbreak that they end up always being alone. Don't be naive BUT then again don't be too over-cautious either b/c the outcomes of both suck just the same. No one wants to be the girl everyone can fool (naive) BUT then again no one wants to be the girl the good guys run from b/c of picking up some other guys slack either

Posted by ianthefish
its not the sex shes after jason, its the love that she is seeking, which women relate to sex...

Jason, to add on Ian's wisdom...


Generally speaking...
Men = Sex -> Intimacy
Women = Intimacy -> Sex


Mother Nature thumped us hard on that one.

Posted by sweethearts
These stories and lots of others keep me single and on the defensive all the time, too scared to let myself take a chance again...

Hopefully one day though...

Hey Kiwi!

You do know it's okay to be picky, ya? 🙂
I'm picky as hell too.

@ Sparrow

I have seen one night stands transform someone's mindset. Hell, I had (pretty much) a one night stand transform my entire life. It isn't even just knowing you are desired, it is the spark of a connection that reminds you, it isn't over and that other possibilities might still exist. It can return your passion and desire to live.

I can understand this...I'd liken it to having sex with your partner after you've found out that they have been cheating on you with someone else and you wanting to prove that you are still desired or better (in alot of cases that who they went with!) Sad really how distorted our views are when we are left broken!!!


And who knows when the last time she had sex was. It may have been years. Despite what people say we need each other and we need sex. For women, it is even more important because it connect women to their power and the divine.

They had had sex the very night she confirmed everything...she was already suspicious and he was guarded. She was trying to get to his mob phone to read through texts and he wouldn't go to sleep, so she put the man at ease with sex... But they did have a good sex life as alot do and guys that are cheaters will still cheat, because it's not just about the sex either with them, it's the thrill of the forbidden fruit the excitement of it all and the feeling of them being sooo desired too! Anyway when he finally went off to sleep she found not one but three phones, implicating his affair and YES it was someone that they both knew and were associating with fairly regularly!!!!

@ Kry

whatever that SOMETHING is that she's seeking, whether it's just simply good company OR even as far as that emotional comfort, the chances of her actually getting anything OTHER than just pleasure in the moment, are slim to none.

Yes I saw her the next day and her mood was stil somber, so even though she had the sex and had someones arms around her to comfort her or make her feel something if not desired it hadn't worked. She was still on the phone to her ex listening to his pleadings and BS unable to be angry and tell him where exactly to go! He is now emotionally dragging her through it all again and again trying to weaken her to taking him back...At this stage she isnt strong enough to cut him off.

It wasn't sex, nor love she was seeking.


She felt betrayed, physically ..... so she will find satisfaction in giving her body to another man ..... so he can be punished for what he did to her.


Another man took her, and hopefully it will make her boyfriend suffer, she likely hopes.





"I just wish more people would realize that the saying usually holds true that "once a cheater...always a cheater."

What a crook of shit ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ once a bitch always a bitch, right StPLady?


People change their whole lives .. hopefully, you end up with the deadbeats who never do, since this is what you preach to people.

BUT don't stop dating all together just b/c of some A hole in the past, that truth be told, had we just listened to our intuition, we could've avoided & ran from a long time ago. Alot of us see those red flags & hear those "warning bells" sounding off, but people rarely run like hell when they're supposed to. So after staying, they finally end up getting hurt, then leave the situation with a huge microscope, paranoid about each new person they may meet. And to me, that's ridiculous b/c alot of the hurt we all have been through could've been prevented, had we just walked away when we saw it coming. In the moment, we all say, "Oh it's easier said than done," & we use that line as an excuse to stay around. BUT, yet when things finally bacfire (like our intuitions warned they would), we like taking our past hurts out on people that had NOTHING to do with or NO affiliation with the A holes in our past. It sucks, but it is what it is.

My problem in it's entirety! Seems to be there are very few really nice guys out there and majority of losers and when you are as picky as hell like VH and I are it is even harder plus I tend to go for guys that are good looking and most that are know it and that generally is the type that are the losers!!! It's not that I'm shallow it's that I want to desire the person that I am with because stuff taking a paper bag to bed everynight! So part of my requirements are that they are pleasing to the eye for me...& I guess I am more cautious not only because of past hurts but also because the type of guys that I am attracted to. The initial attraction is one thing...then there has to be some level of connecting or interest. It's been a long time since I've had a straight off intense sexual connection with a stranger 😢 but then that's probably a safety net for me!


Hey Surfy dude...surprised you know what a Kiwi is 🙂 I think picky is...i want someone of importance that will be around for a while...not just a shag!

Really—

People that WANT to change their lives WILL and CAN and do YES!!

Majority of people try and change their lives because they have gotten caught...like Tiger Woods, he wont change! He's trying desparately to hang on to his family so therefore he has to show that he is trying to change, also the Jesse guy same thing...But change has been forced upon them...they'll re-affend because they have the desire to feel desire from not just one but several people!

And yes there were a number of reasons she did what she did...but at the end of it, it didnt work. She is still in the same position she was before and nothing has gone away!

Don't worry .... the day will come where she will realize that she has been holding the key to her chains all along .. and she will free herself.

@Sweetheart...I'm not surprised that you said your friend came back the next day with that same ole "unfullfilled" look in her eyes. She's still allowing (notice I said ALLOWING) her ex to continue to drag her through the mud b/c she's not done with him yet emotionally. Sure, this guy probably does have alot of leverage over her emotions, BUT make no mistake about it, your friend is NOT an idiot. She knows exactly what's going on; she's fully aware. She's staying around b/c she simply just wants to, even though that reasoning probably doesn't even make sense to her. We always assume that a woman is being naive or "unaware of the truth" just b/c she stays around, when in reality, alot of women know exactly what they are doing & what's happening; they just simply aren't ready to move on. Some even feel that sleeping with or messing with other guys in b/w that process is the same as proving that they are really done. To her, she might feel that she's proving to the outsiders that she's really done since she was able to go off & be with another guy (something I'm assuming she couldn't/wouldn't do when she was actually IN a relationship). Women do this sometimes moreso so that their friends will lay off when it comes to pressure. Of course, this mindset is still a trick & usually doesn't work on the friends, BUT she might really feel that she was sending a message to you & him that she was no longer relying on her ex for her needs, thus she convinced herself that she'd prove that point by completely giving her body to a complete stranger. But the very fact that she did this, just to then go back to her ex the next day actually defeated the purpose of & contradicted her own trick/game. Hopefully, she'll realize that.

And hey, you're not shallow just b/c looks are important to you. Are looks the MOST important? No. But I hate it when people try to make others feel bad for actually making "looks" a category that counts on the "standards" list. As long as you can ALSO seek other & more important things other than the physical, there is nothing wrong with expecting OR seeking someone who is sexually considered decent to you. Every one is entitled to have a "preference" whether it be by weight, height, a certain image, or whatever. As long as other things like a person's personality, character, background, compatibility, etc. are taken into account, wanting to visually like what you take home at night isn't such a horrible thing lol

Trust me, there will come a point when your friend is finally sick & tired of being sick & tired. When she's REALLY ready to move on & when it's clicked in her mind EMOTIONALLY (vs. just intellectually b/c her friends tell her so), she'll find the inner strength within herself to stop entertaining the bull with her ex & move on. And this will happen whether another hot guy is around to scoop her up at night or not.

I felt this most recently...the not wanting to let go of a bad/hurtful situation and I wasnt any where near in the type of relationship that she has had with this man of 6 years. In doing so it was prolonging the healing but I continued with false hope... So I can see clearly why she allows him to manipulate her....she has to see it all for herself and see that it's really DEAD unrevivable. Yes it's a form of self-abuse and we wont put a stop to it for one reason or another. The stories all over these boards are of woman self-abusing bad situations because they dont want to let go and try to hang on for the stupidest reasonings...Some get defensive when others slam them trying to make them see sense but they hang out and hope that someone is on their side with more hope to grasp onto....

Unfortunetly in my time here (6 years) I havent seen many of these sob stories turn to fairy tales...

And i dont think this one will either, if she fails to hold true to her convictions she will lose alot of respect and support from her family who have known all along her pains and on top of it all it'll happen again...if he were to come back now he'll most definitely re-affend because he is only SORRY that he got caught!

Guys like this I really wish would lose the thing that they have over women...their looks, grow fat, get bald and get ugly because that's what they really look like deep down! Sorry personal grievance coming out here!!!

Man whore she called me a man whore I will have you know I am not easy . But I can be made.

@Sweetheart..It's understandable that you, being her friend, is going to cause you to feel hurt & saddened by anyone else mistreating her. BUT, always remember that this is HER battle, and not yours or anyone else's. Don't lose more sleep over HER situation than she is. Continue to support her even when she's making those bad decisions with her ex or with anyone else & I say that so that when she finally comes out of this darkness, she'll still have her support system there after it's all said & done, vs. having to lose not only her ex BUT also her friends, that could've aided her in how to move on. I know you guys are frustrated, BUT don't get so emotionally attached to or involved in her situation that you start punishing HER for something she's 1. Not ready to let go of yet or 2. Something you didn't do to her. We've all been through her situation..those crazy situations where everyone in the whole world except for US believes we should've moved on a long time ago. If you can feel that her situation is starting to take affect on your life & on your view of relationships, then take a step back b/c no offense, but I'd hate for this guy (that YOU weren't even with) to have THAT kind of POWER over you & any decisions you make with others in the future.

Of course it's frustrating b/c you are her friends & b/c it's natural to feel the pain of those we love. BUT, don't allow HER battles to become any reason why you might miss out on happiness in the future, b/c if that's the case, then technically HER ex has just as much a mental hold on YOU than he does on her. Sure, there are always going to be Aholes like him that mess it up for everybody BUT just like it's unfair that there are dogs out here, it's also JUST as unfair to those who ARE NOT dogs, who are always getting punished/missed out on/pushed away for something they did NOT do. It's just as frustrating to the next guy who might actually do right by you, to know that b/c of some Aholes that didn't even make it to your present, that he'll have to dig through & work to get rid of all these negative viewpoints on dating, & all b/c of some guy that was HALF of what he (the good guy) is made of. If we make those in the future suffer b/c of those in the past, we were better off staying with our ex's. Her physically allowing her ex to make her miss out is no different than someone ALLOWING their past (whether the ex is still present or not) to continue having control over their future decisions

Sadly it's more that I am sitting back and watching how manipulative someone can be...the lies and further deciept to get what they want. I'm actually learning to overcome my situation because of it...

But it's her actual and mother that are highly effected by all this and threatening to walk if she were to go back.

Thanks though...mustn't go back to hating on men because of a dozen bad apples!!!

So this weekend while helping my friend to move out of their home they shared, she tells me that she has told her ex about the guy she slept with last weekend and also who he was. I didnt know that she actually did know him before the night and that he was an aquaintance of her ex....Perfect revenge I guess was her thoughts!

She also spent time with someone else she met this Friday night while out! OMG I guess this has really rocked her and now her revenge is to just sleep around. My own morals are nothing like hers so i really cant say anything to advise her, can really only sit back and watch!!

I'm of the belief that you cant impose upon anyone your moral standings...honestly she'd just laugh at me as I'm a prude that doesnt sleep with anyone because nobody in my eyes has proved worthy. Or i still have my own issues to sort. It doesnt bother me because I feel good about myself... and I know deep down every morning when she wakes she doesnt feel great at all about the guy next to her. i have been there when i was in my teens.

There will come a point when she will realise the only person she is hurting is herself. She doesnt take these guys home but stays out at theirs...in her mind the better of the two evils!