Aries04
@Aries04
13 YearsAries
Comments: 1 · Posts: 290 · Topics: 23
What's wrong with falling in love with potential?
The problem with falling in love with potential...
Essentially what you are setting yourself up for disppointment. Potential as you call it is really an expectation you have created in your mind. When a person does not live up to that expectation a resentment is formed. It's all downhill from there.
Essentially what you are setting yourself up for disppointment. Potential as you call it is really an expectation you have created in your mind. When a person does not live up to that expectation a resentment is formed. It's all downhill from there.
Not saying that there is anything wrong with falling in love with potential, its usually when the potential has grown to what it is then what happens after that you fall out of love with that and on to the next potential?
Yeh just be careful with what potential you may be falling in love with. Is it the idea of the maybe potential you see in another? Is it the fact you maybe in love with helping another with their potential and so when this is over and done with that will be it for you both? Like you in love with their potential only and not with them as such.
Yeh just be careful with what potential you may be falling in love with. Is it the idea of the maybe potential you see in another? Is it the fact you maybe in love with helping another with their potential and so when this is over and done with that will be it for you both? Like you in love with their potential only and not with them as such.
Have you ever found a really great pair of shoes, and then tried them on only to find they're a size too small? And then bought them anyways cause you convinced yourself they'll be a perfect fit "once you break them in", or "after your feet have gotten used to them", or "once the leather stretches out just a litttttlle bit"?
Yeah. It's a bit like that. Those shoes had potential too, but they still gave you blisters and ended up frustrating the hell out of you. The potential only matters if it's a good fit from the start.
Yeah. It's a bit like that. Those shoes had potential too, but they still gave you blisters and ended up frustrating the hell out of you. The potential only matters if it's a good fit from the start.
Posted by Andalusia
Have you ever found a really great pair of shoes, and then tried them on only to find they're a size too small? And then bought them anyways cause you convinced yourself they'll be a perfect fit "once you break them in", or "after your feet have gotten used to them", or "once the leather stretches out just a litttttlle bit"?
Yeah. It's a bit like that. Those shoes had potential too, but they still gave you blisters and ended up frustrating the hell out of you. The potential only matters if it's a good fit from the start.
bravo! great metaphorrrrrr
LOL Andalusia, that was perfect! I do that all the time and I get exactly what you say!
Tiziani, is there such thing as a finished product though? I think all people constantly evolve. Some with more awareness and progressive direction that others, but a change is there. I think as a partner you can and even should help your s/o grow. And I am not talking growth in terms of make somebody a better fit for you, but genuinely help them be the best version of themselves..
Tiziani, is there such thing as a finished product though? I think all people constantly evolve. Some with more awareness and progressive direction that others, but a change is there. I think as a partner you can and even should help your s/o grow. And I am not talking growth in terms of make somebody a better fit for you, but genuinely help them be the best version of themselves..
Posted by mfwb55
Not saying that there is anything wrong with falling in love with potential, its usually when the potential has grown to what it is then what happens after that you fall out of love with that and on to the next potential?
Yeh just be careful with what potential you may be falling in love with. Is it the idea of the maybe potential you see in another? Is it the fact you maybe in love with helping another with their potential and so when this is over and done with that will be it for you both? Like you in love with their potential only and not with them as such.
Yeah, I get that. I think that as long as you accept a person for who they already are and really like them that way it can work out. I am not talking about hating someone's guts and hoping they'd change. Fact is, like it's already been said - you set yourself up for a big let down and do not live in the moment. I am talking about some traits that you see shine through in somebody and can tell that if given a proper environment that person would eventually live them.
I think it's often the case with shy or inexperienced people. They are scared of being nice and emotionally open. Especially men are always taught to be tough and everything else but emotional.
Well, when you're young everyone has potential. But you have to look deeper at the drive and ambition to see if they'll ever live up to their potential.
In love - someone has the potential to be a good boyfriend, if they'll stop drinking and partying and hitting on girls, they have a kind heart, but just not ready for serious at the moment. Deep down they're a good guy who is kind and romantic and stable, just not ready to settle down yet. That's potential to be a good husband in the future.
Look at jobs, someone fresh out of college with a good job and good skills in an entry level position with drive and ambition to move forward in their career - that's potential.
Here's the problem with potential from my experience. My ex husband had energy and goals and wanted to be a PA (physician's assistant that makes probably over 100 grand a year). That was his goal, which, stereotypically, as a capricorn was an attractive goal to me. Not the reason I married him, but just pointing that out. After we got married over the course of ten years, he became a nurse. I offered him to keep going to school to be a PA or Nurse Practitioner and he didn't want to go to school anymore. What happened to that goal? That ambition? Why stop at being a nurse when you could keep going to reach your dream? At that moment I realized his potential had dwindled away. We were mid 30's and he was done achieving? I felt like he had falsely advertised himself and I was disappointed in his lack of ambition. I mean a nurse is great! Nothing wrong with that, but it was the lack of further ambition that made me see him in a different light. Of course, the end of our marriage was for completely different reasons and I'm not that shallow, but I was attracted to his desire and passion for his goals in the beginning.
Once you're a certain age, in love, you don't look at potential anymore, you look at their achievements and ambition. I mean what 50 year old man would be living with his mother or have a minimum wage job or be in debt up to his eyeballs with no plan of rising above his current circumstance?
Gosh, hope that doesn't make me seem materialistic, but it is the truth. And yes, I suppose a very capricorn outlook.
In love - someone has the potential to be a good boyfriend, if they'll stop drinking and partying and hitting on girls, they have a kind heart, but just not ready for serious at the moment. Deep down they're a good guy who is kind and romantic and stable, just not ready to settle down yet. That's potential to be a good husband in the future.
Look at jobs, someone fresh out of college with a good job and good skills in an entry level position with drive and ambition to move forward in their career - that's potential.
Here's the problem with potential from my experience. My ex husband had energy and goals and wanted to be a PA (physician's assistant that makes probably over 100 grand a year). That was his goal, which, stereotypically, as a capricorn was an attractive goal to me. Not the reason I married him, but just pointing that out. After we got married over the course of ten years, he became a nurse. I offered him to keep going to school to be a PA or Nurse Practitioner and he didn't want to go to school anymore. What happened to that goal? That ambition? Why stop at being a nurse when you could keep going to reach your dream? At that moment I realized his potential had dwindled away. We were mid 30's and he was done achieving? I felt like he had falsely advertised himself and I was disappointed in his lack of ambition. I mean a nurse is great! Nothing wrong with that, but it was the lack of further ambition that made me see him in a different light. Of course, the end of our marriage was for completely different reasons and I'm not that shallow, but I was attracted to his desire and passion for his goals in the beginning.
Once you're a certain age, in love, you don't look at potential anymore, you look at their achievements and ambition. I mean what 50 year old man would be living with his mother or have a minimum wage job or be in debt up to his eyeballs with no plan of rising above his current circumstance?
Gosh, hope that doesn't make me seem materialistic, but it is the truth. And yes, I suppose a very capricorn outlook.
Exactly Tiziani.
Sometimes just giving room and creating calm circumstances might be enough. Others, on the other hand need a small kick in the butt to get going.. That is why when I read or hear people say: "NEVER fall in love with potential" I feel like there should be some kind of differentiation. I think by saying that we put people in a box and don't allow for them to should who they can really be once they trust you. I feel like nowadays people judge too fast and are quick to replace people only because they don't act "right".
Sometimes just giving room and creating calm circumstances might be enough. Others, on the other hand need a small kick in the butt to get going.. That is why when I read or hear people say: "NEVER fall in love with potential" I feel like there should be some kind of differentiation. I think by saying that we put people in a box and don't allow for them to should who they can really be once they trust you. I feel like nowadays people judge too fast and are quick to replace people only because they don't act "right".
"it was the lack of further ambition that made me see him in a different light. "
I should change that to the lack of his original ambition.
I should change that to the lack of his original ambition.
Posted by tizianiPosted by truecap
Here's the problem with potential from my experience. My ex husband had energy and goals and wanted to be a PA (physician's assistant that makes probably over 100 grand a year). That was his goal, which, stereotypically, as a capricorn was an attractive goal to me. Not the reason I married him, but just pointing that out. After we got married over the course of ten years, he became a nurse. I offered him to keep going to school to be a PA or Nurse Practitioner and he didn't want to go to school anymore. What happened to that goal? That ambition? Why stop at being a nurse when you could keep going to reach your dream? At that moment I realized his potential had dwindled away. We were mid 30's and he was done achieving? I felt like he had falsely advertised himself and I was disappointed in his lack of ambition. I mean a nurse is great! Nothing wrong with that, but it was the lack of further ambition that made me see him in a different light. Of course, the end of our marriage was for completely different reasons and I'm not that shallow, but I was attracted to his desire and passion for his goals in the beginning.
The finished article, in a nutshell!click to expand
I guess that does back up what you said doesn't it?
Truecap, I hear you.. But here's my problem with all that: we can never be sure what happens in the future, so should we refuse falling in love just because all of these things might eventually happen?
it goes to say that you can not help who you fall in love with despite these things that may or may not happen in the future
andsssssss
there is always hopev just not the kind you seek for
there is always hopev just not the kind you seek for
Also I must see it differently as falling in love with own potential is no where near as devastating than with someone else
Posted by Nala13
The problem with falling in love with potential...
Essentially what you are setting yourself up for disppointment. Potential as you call it is really an expectation you have created in your mind. When a person does not live up to that expectation a resentment is formed. It's all downhill from there.
Well said.
Posted by Nala13
The problem with falling in love with potential...
Essentially what you are setting yourself up for disppointment. Potential as you call it is really an expectation you have created in your mind. When a person does not live up to that expectation a resentment is formed. It's all downhill from there.
+1
Agreed.
There's also so many things wrong with "settling" with a potential. It's just you will be walking the fine line of being helpful or wanting to the help the person you love to wanting to change the person you love because you don't have enough esteem to find someone better so they settle and treat their partner like crap... I feel a lot of women do this, and I feel it's a self-esteem issue, and they end in a bad relationship. When people get pass that line they end in relationship where they resent their partner for not living up to their expectations or their partner is resentful of them for trying to change them (trust me I been there, there is only so much potential or help you can do) or does not accept them for who they are... Who they are as a person isn't enough... That can be damaging to ones esteem.
Not saying it can't work but one or both partners have to at least be confident and sure of the person they are before attempting something like this.
Posted by Aries04
Truecap, I hear you.. But here's my problem with all that: we can never be sure what happens in the future, so should we refuse falling in love just because all of these things might eventually happen?
No, don't base it on potential. Base it on the person's character and actions. Get to know the person better so there are no surprises later. Know whether that person has follow through or not. Know whether that person does what they say they're going to do.
Posted by tiziani
Don't women only ever fall in love with potential?
Reminds me of the quote
"I married beneath me, all women do."
-Lady Astor ;P
Idk about the second part, Tizi-- how many actually get to see the finished article?
Seems like you hear more about men who finish their education while their wives work, and then abandon them.
Granted, women do it too-- I guess you just don't hear about it as much. :/
I always thought didnt women fall in love with who they fall in love with and thats got nothin to do with potential? I am living in a different world to you people maybe see it different to you all.
Are you telling me or saying to me that women (if you can call them that) marry only coz the guy has potential? and not because they actually love the guy?
Are you telling me or saying to me that women (if you can call them that) marry only coz the guy has potential? and not because they actually love the guy?
If this is true then this to me is a cold way of being so women is cold and I am not like this but get accused of being cold coz i dont act the way people want me to or expect me to i cannot forgo my own self for others and wont.
If this is considered cold by others then thats there problem not mine, its obvious they have a different look of what cold is and is not.
I can only be with someone if I love them that to me is not cold however I get accused of being so but then you go to the bitches who be with guys and dont love them this is considered 'warm' for me this is a warped sense of injustice to not only themselves but to you as a person.
Strange times ahead.
If this is considered cold by others then thats there problem not mine, its obvious they have a different look of what cold is and is not.
I can only be with someone if I love them that to me is not cold however I get accused of being so but then you go to the bitches who be with guys and dont love them this is considered 'warm' for me this is a warped sense of injustice to not only themselves but to you as a person.
Strange times ahead.
truecap
no not sure about that
you fall in love with potential and equate it to character and actions, which can at times be totally not what you would fall in love with in your head but feel otherwise.
What happened to feeling these things? Why try to base it on something like what a people does as opposed to what yo feel within? So you fall in love with someone coz they do what you want them to do not because you are in love with them?
no not sure about that
you fall in love with potential and equate it to character and actions, which can at times be totally not what you would fall in love with in your head but feel otherwise.
What happened to feeling these things? Why try to base it on something like what a people does as opposed to what yo feel within? So you fall in love with someone coz they do what you want them to do not because you are in love with them?
This is what people are like this days?
"Listen up ladies, stop falling for a guy??s potential or what he could be. If he has major emotional issues (like the ones I highlighted), you will be baby siting, playing mommy, and living with a headache larger than life! Unless he is willing to work his shit out without you nagging him to man up, or he has his own personal desire to grow himself, you will suffer his shortcomings. I can guarantee that.
In my opinion, guys like these are an EPIC WASTE OF TIME and are best left to girls who just don't get it."
In my opinion, guys like these are an EPIC WASTE OF TIME and are best left to girls who just don't get it."
Nothing wrong. I always fall in love with the potential of a great relationship with the right person. Our potential as a couple. His potential as my partner.
To fall in love with someone's potential. it would be like falling in love with a dream which is not even yours! Don't you have your own dreams? Do a compatibility check with his dreams, before entering a relationship, though.
To fall in love with someone's potential. it would be like falling in love with a dream which is not even yours! Don't you have your own dreams? Do a compatibility check with his dreams, before entering a relationship, though.
Posted by Undine
Nothing wrong. I always fall in love with the potential of a great relationship with the right person. Our potential as a couple. His potential as my partner.
To fall in love with someone's potential. it would be like falling in love with a dream which is not even yours! Don't you have your own dreams? Do a compatibility check with his dreams, before entering a relationship, though.
Ha. This was deep.. This was what I meant without knowing it. I expressed it as "someone's" potential and I meant our potential in a partnership. Thank you for that, Undine ; )
Posted by mfwb55
I always thought didnt women fall in love with who they fall in love with and thats got nothin to do with potential? I am living in a different world to you people maybe see it different to you all.
Are you telling me or saying to me that women (if you can call them that) marry only coz the guy has potential? and not because they actually love the guy?
No, it's definitely true - you cannot help who you fall in love with, it just happens. However, there are many factors that make us feel the way we do. As women we consider important things like drive, ambition, the way men follow through with things etc because those are indicators of how the future with this man could look like. No confident woman, who values herself would want to be with a guy who has no goals in life (this makes up his potential).
Posted by Aries04
I get the underlying idea, just would like for someone to elaborate on why they think it's wrong. I have mixed ideas about this as I believe in mutual growth.
We all have potential. Even the most evil & scandalous soul has some hidden beautiful soul/potential hidden underneath all those layers somewhere.
However, potential is not present tense. As many people can testify 3 kids, 2 divorces & 5 heart breaks later, the risk of heartache is much to great when you choose to fall in love/be with who someone USED TO BE or WHO YOU WISH THEY WERE.
Majority rules. People have no mercy for the cheater if he cheats every day! They stay away from him despite the fact that he's technically got a lot of "potential" too. But it won't matter, b/c what people choose to show the majority of the time, is what you're gonna get the majority of the time.
Why keep/buy a product that only works 10% of the time. If you wouldn't have bought it/signed up for it knowing that it wasn't really as advertised, then why would you continue to keep it & hold onto it, knowing that it's not working?
What you see is what you get! People can AND do change. But relationships work best when you like, love AND can put up with who they currently ARE. If you spend all of your time trying to change/mold a person into your own little fantasy partner based off of the potential you only ASSUME/THINK they have, then you're not being real about or enjoying who they currently are
So many people spend so much time in the past or in the future that they're not even literally enjoying the actual relationship in the moment. Smh
If real long-lasting love is what you want, then you should have no problem making emotional/love decisions based off of who the other person currently IS. You shouldn't give credit where it's due unless you've actually seen the proof! Dating "potential" is like sitting in Lamborghini thinking you're the sh***t even though there's no gas in it.
Find people who currently ARE what you're looking for. And if you see someone that you like, but yet they're not meeting your expectations, keep it moving. Standards should be set in stone...not flexible only when you feel like being blind b/c you trick yourself into believing that you'll never get or find better.
I'm sure a lot of you are figuring out that being with who somebody used to be or possibly could be
...I'm sure a lot of you are figuring out that being with who somebody used to be or possibly could be is a big ole waste of time & can turn out more painful than it would've had you just left, dealt with the destruction of your fantasies & moved on
Life is too short to willingly buy a product that you know isn't efficient. It may seem really cool to have, seem expensive, seem flashy, seem like gold & it may have 1,000 manuals swearing that it has all of these features, BUT it defeats the purpose of having the damn product if you see that it doesn't work or doesn't meet the standard for which you agreed to invest in it in the 1st place.
Life is too short to willingly buy a product that you know isn't efficient. It may seem really cool to have, seem expensive, seem flashy, seem like gold & it may have 1,000 manuals swearing that it has all of these features, BUT it defeats the purpose of having the damn product if you see that it doesn't work or doesn't meet the standard for which you agreed to invest in it in the 1st place.
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