Wishing someone a Happy Birthday

Lets say youre dating someone, everything seems good, youve been dating for years at this point with minor upsets, hardly any arguments, then they just ghost you out of the blue... roughly 3 months before their birthday... a fiscal quarter just absent. No word. You reach out but they dont respond.. their birthday comes up and you still havent heard from them and they never responded to anything youve sent up until then...

Do you wish them a Happy Birthday?



If you dont wish them a Happy Birthday on that day, how would you feel if they got angry and hurt that you didnt?

Would it be acceptable to wish them a Happyy Belated Birthday if they come back around shortly after their Birthday?

If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.

I would easily sent that happy birthday message.. it's not a big deal. I would simply send the message and I wouldn't care if he would think I still care because as a matter of fact I did so why play games. But if he doesn't respond, then ya back again to my agenda of forgetting and letting go of him.

To be real, I never care about the kind of stuff what relationship articles or ppl saying of how to make a guy do this and that for you, like for example: don't text a guy soon after you exchange numbers, I didn't mind sending messages by the time I want to send them i mean idc about the games. It's been pretty clear to me from the start, if I really like you I will make it obvious. If I don't care about you, I will make it obvious as well. If I respond but not aggressive that means I am friendzoning you. So what's the headache about over the happy birthday msg?

I don't really care about appearances in love and there is no games with me when it comes to love.

So if you want to send a happy birthday because you remember her and you do care, go and send them. The expectation of the result of it is another matter. What matters is you express yourself with no hesitations.

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.

click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.

Posted by Whynn
I would easily sent that happy birthday message.. it's not a big deal. I would simply send the message and I wouldn't care if he would think I still care because as a matter of fact I did so why play games. But if he doesn't respond, then ya back again to my agenda of forgetting and letting go of him.

To be real, I never care about the kind of stuff what relationship articles or ppl saying of how to make a guy do this and that for you, like for example: don't text a guy soon after you exchange numbers, I didn't mind sending messages by the time I want to send them i mean idc about the games. It's been pretty clear to me from the start, if I really like you I will make it obvious. If I don't care about you, I will make it obvious as well. If I respond but not aggressive that means I am friendzoning you. So what's the headache about over the happy birthday msg?

@Sadhatter Do NOT follow this advice. You'll just torture yourself even more looking for avenues to walk down that all lead to a dead end (at this time).

I think we need more threads on this subject

I think we need more threads on this subject

What do you mean by dating for years?

Is this your girlfriend?

What did you do that could have created this reaction from her? Dig in the self awareness and don’t let your ego get in the way.

Did you have in-person relationship? Meet each other’s families?

How much investment was there in this relationship?

I’ve never had a boyfriend ghost me as a breakup. But as a teenager, my first boyfriend was a Pisces and he was notorious for evading subjects where he felt cornered or too hard/upsetting. He would “ghost” the subject.

But he never ghosted me.

I am having a hard time imagining being ghosted by a boyfriend … that would be SO LOW… and it would definitely have me questioning the depth of my relationship or how meaningful it actually was. Maybe also start looking into tell tale signs of this type of emotional immaturity while I was in the relationship to lead to that type of ending.

Just very disrespectful.

So, if I were in that scenario… where he is ghosting for three months and his birthday is coming up, and he was my boyfriend… I will find out why I am being avoided by friends or family and if he is not in the hospital and just being an ass, then I will disengage, not wish him anything. Because at the point, he is selfish and self gratifying with no regard for me. At the least he should speak up to tell me he is hurt and needs some space.

And I’d know his friends and family… so, I’d know how to find out pretty quickly.

If this is only online - pfff… the pattern I see is that people behave with less integrity there and it’s just too easy to ghost, and flee from discomfort rather than having the maturity, courage and respect for the relationship or whatever you had to end it properly and amicably.

If the online person had not spoken to me in three months and their birthday comes, within those three months I would reach out. I wouldn’t send any angry messages maybe 1-2 saying I’m worried for him on the first week and would like to know if everything is ok. But, he had better been in a hospital somewhere OR ELSE.

I’d probably wish them a happy birthday. If I know any of their friends, I’d try to find out what’s going on.

If I find out he is just fine, living his life and just being selfish and not giving a fu $ &… then I will immediately burn that bridge do everything in my power to let the heart equate the mind.

And while I am working on the heart equating the mind, I will probably still reach out and express what I need to express or not (depending on the feelings at work). But my actions would just be taken with the sole intention of completing letting go. It will all go away… that is the goal.

Posted by Wizardzzz
I think we need more threads on this subject

Quote it one more time and then you’d equate the same as the threads 🙄👌

Dating for years? Ghost out of the blue?

Honey are you sure they are not dead? 🧐

did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by Whynn
I would easily sent that happy birthday message.. it's not a big deal. I would simply send the message and I wouldn't care if he would think I still care because as a matter of fact I did so why play games. But if he doesn't respond, then ya back again to my agenda of forgetting and letting go of him.

To be real, I never care about the kind of stuff what relationship articles or ppl saying of how to make a guy do this and that for you, like for example: don't text a guy soon after you exchange numbers, I didn't mind sending messages by the time I want to send them i mean idc about the games. It's been pretty clear to me from the start, if I really like you I will make it obvious. If I don't care about you, I will make it obvious as well. If I respond but not aggressive that means I am friendzoning you. So what's the headache about over the happy birthday msg?

@Sadhatter Do NOT follow this advice. You'll just torture yourself even more looking for avenues to walk down that all lead to a dead end (at this time).

click to expand

I didn't know that if it is not reciprocated, you should not say someone happy belated birthday?

So much for a happy birthday wishes, huh?

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.



In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.



In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.

In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.

click to expand

Idk why but the description made me think she is not serious about you. I think no matter how overwhelming life is, if you're serious with someone, she should include you in. So yeah, there is to it, imo.

I didn't know that you wished her happy holidays and she didn't respond to it so probably there is no light at the end of the tunnel so you should cut your loss and let her go.

I'm sorry about your struggle with the mother of your son.. I wish you guys well.

Btw, do you think the reason why she is not that invested in you is because of that situation you have (a son and a trouble past rs with the mother of your son)?

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.



In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.



In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.

Posted by Whynn

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.

In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.click to expand

Idk why but the description made me think she is not serious about you. I think no matter how overwhelming life is, if you're serious with someone, she should include you in. So yeah, there is to it, imo.

I didn't know that you wished her happy holidays and she didn't respond to it so probably there is no light at the end of the tunnel so you should cut your loss and let her go.

I'm sorry about your struggle with the mother of your son.. I wish you guys well.

Btw, do you think the reason why she is not that invested in you is because of that situation you have (a son and a trouble past rs with the mother of your son)?

click to expand

No, I dont doubt she was serious, thats not even one of my questions. And I did NOT wish her a happy birthday, amd thats why she was hurt. But she had left and came back..

And im no saint, I have left for I think max was like 2 weeks, but I communicated that, amd I still kept a line of communication open. This isnt an indictment on her. We communicated every single day for hours all through the day. Except during these few things. We were both invested. Heavily. Thats not even really a debate..



My only question is if I was in the right for NOT wishing her a Happy Birthday, or not? I honestly see both sides. Thats 1 thing she always said hurt her.. but I feel like given the circumstances that was pure ego and a power play.. she wanted me to put my hurt aside, the hurt she was deliberately causing, to worship her day of birth.. like she wanted me to acknowledge her day of birth after she spent months not acknowledging my existence. In my brain, fuck that.

And these times are spaced far apart. Theyre once every couple years maybe.

Posted by Whynn

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.

In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.click to expand

Idk why but the description made me think she is not serious about you. I think no matter how overwhelming life is, if you're serious with someone, she should include you in. So yeah, there is to it, imo.

I didn't know that you wished her happy holidays and she didn't respond to it so probably there is no light at the end of the tunnel so you should cut your loss and let her go.

I'm sorry about your struggle with the mother of your son.. I wish you guys well.

Btw, do you think the reason why she is not that invested in you is because of that situation you have (a son and a trouble past rs with the mother of your son)?

click to expand

No, I dont doubt she was serious, thats not even one of my questions. And I did NOT wish her a happy birthday, amd thats why she was hurt. But she had left and came back..

And im no saint, I have left for I think max was like 2 weeks, but I communicated that, amd I still kept a line of communication open. This isnt an indictment on her. We communicated every single day for hours all through the day. Except during these few things. We were both invested. Heavily. Thats not even really a debate..



My only question is if I was in the right for NOT wishing her a Happy Birthday, or not? I honestly see both sides. Thats 1 thing she always said hurt her.. but I feel like given the circumstances that was pure ego and a power play.. she wanted me to put my hurt aside, the hurt she was deliberately causing, to worship her day of birth.. like she wanted me to acknowledge her day of birth after she spent months not acknowledging my existence. In my brain, fuck that.

And these times are spaced far apart. Theyre once every couple years maybe.

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.

click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by Whynn

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by hydorah
did you try to clarify why the ghosting happened? this should be the most important

I did. This has actually happened a few times, they just progressively got longer. Longest being 3 months without a word. Each time it was basically that life got overwhelming. Which is very possible, shes a busy person and has ambitions and kids. But the disappearances never had a warning. Usually there was a period of closeness then an abruptly disappearance without warning. Then a soft return. Id reach out to see how she was, wishe her happy holidays, nothing... I legit looked to see if I could find her obituary at one point because, I mean we never know when its our time. That was tough.

Ive never had this happen to me ever. Trying consort things out in my head.

And I get feeling upset I didnt say happy birthday, I really do.. but, I feel like shes just being emotionally selfish in even thinking that and no empathy towards me in that situation. Thays my thoughts.

In totality, I think it has a lot to do with her attachment style and it was involuntary, in a way. When I look back through everything we got super close and she was gone, comes back, we get sicked in again, shit gets serious, gone..

And I guess what puzzles me also is the fact that I had chaos going on in my life at one point that I seriously grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my 45 and was going to end it.. but my son came home earlier than expected and found me.. she doesn't know about that part but she knew about all the chaos, and I still kept in contact. My son's mother became an alcholic and made both of our lives hell. Cops at my house every day. Came home to her passed out in my driveway. Car wrecks. Just stupid shit all the time. My son told me she was being abusive to him, work shit. Just all of it. I was beat. And as a guy and her the mother its an uphill battle. So yeah, I had empathy and didnt want to stack on her responsibilities or feelings of duty, so I didnt question it too much.click to expand

Idk why but the description made me think she is not serious about you. I think no matter how overwhelming life is, if you're serious with someone, she should include you in. So yeah, there is to it, imo.

I didn't know that you wished her happy holidays and she didn't respond to it so probably there is no light at the end of the tunnel so you should cut your loss and let her go.

I'm sorry about your struggle with the mother of your son.. I wish you guys well.

Btw, do you think the reason why she is not that invested in you is because of that situation you have (a son and a trouble past rs with the mother of your son)?click to expand

No, I dont doubt she was serious, thats not even one of my questions. And I did NOT wish her a happy birthday, amd thats why she was hurt. But she had left and came back..

And im no saint, I have left for I think max was like 2 weeks, but I communicated that, amd I still kept a line of communication open. This isnt an indictment on her. We communicated every single day for hours all through the day. Except during these few things. We were both invested. Heavily. Thats not even really a debate..

My only question is if I was in the right for NOT wishing her a Happy Birthday, or not? I honestly see both sides. Thats 1 thing she always said hurt her.. but I feel like given the circumstances that was pure ego and a power play.. she wanted me to put my hurt aside, the hurt she was deliberately causing, to worship her day of birth.. like she wanted me to acknowledge her day of birth after she spent months not acknowledging my existence. In my brain, fuck that.

And these times are spaced far apart. Theyre once every couple years maybe.

click to expand

Well it seems it has more to it than not. So it turns out to be good to just send happy birthday to her afterall from the way I see it.. at least to ease up communication and emotional part..

It's not really normal to go no contact like that, OTOH it sounds like a rather common dynamic to expect between people with kids of their own and who are softly together without a strong project and not sharing a home. The fact that this is an assymetric situation and that you don't accept it is the problem, not the birthday. You should express your feelings about it and how it hurts you, maybe she won't feel sympathetic to your feelings and this will end your relationship but at least you'll know where you stand.

I agree with hydorah.

Posted by Whynn

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by Whynn
I would easily sent that happy birthday message.. it's not a big deal. I would simply send the message and I wouldn't care if he would think I still care because as a matter of fact I did so why play games. But if he doesn't respond, then ya back again to my agenda of forgetting and letting go of him.

To be real, I never care about the kind of stuff what relationship articles or ppl saying of how to make a guy do this and that for you, like for example: don't text a guy soon after you exchange numbers, I didn't mind sending messages by the time I want to send them i mean idc about the games. It's been pretty clear to me from the start, if I really like you I will make it obvious. If I don't care about you, I will make it obvious as well. If I respond but not aggressive that means I am friendzoning you. So what's the headache about over the happy birthday msg?

@Sadhatter Do NOT follow this advice. You'll just torture yourself even more looking for avenues to walk down that all lead to a dead end (at this time).click to expand

I didn't know that if it is not reciprocated, you should not say someone happy belated birthday?

So much for a happy birthday wishes, huh?

click to expand

That is correct. They broke the terms of engagement, so why talk to a brick wall?

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.

click to expand

No. Like I mentioned earlier, they broke the terms of engagement.

At that point, they have to be the one to reengage and attempt to repair what was damaged and explain themselves. Trust me, they know you're invested and they are as well. If you want honest clarity on this situation, contact me privately.

Posted by hydorah
It's not really normal to go no contact like that, OTOH it sounds like a rather common dynamic to expect between people with kids of their own and who are softly together without a strong project and not sharing a home. The fact that this is an assymetric situation and that you don't accept it is the problem, not the birthday. You should express your feelings about it and how it hurts you, maybe she won't feel sympathetic to your feelings and this will end your relationship but at least you'll know where you stand.

This is good stuff, amd I appreciate it.

Which part are you seeing I dont accept? That she took space? I didnt panic, dont misconstrue that. And she later said it bothered her that i didnt chase. Like it was part of a game she had played with guys before me. I mean, i just told her it hurt, but if thats what you want. I cant stop you, but i cant wait forever. It was the length of time. A day, a week, even a month, I get it, I run several businesses and have a kid myself.. I had to slip away a few times and she expressed hurt. But I always said what I was doing in advance. Im pretty good at setting expectations up front. And I always responded when she reached out. It was never a Stonewall. Honestly part of it feels to me like a "ill show you how it feels" kinda thing.. I don't know that for sure, it just feels that way. She watched me the whole time. Even on here she watched me. She read everything I wrote or said. She just wouldnt respond or reach out..

So I guess in the scheme of things we were very balanced, its just that one detail of her being upset for not wishing her a happy birthday (though i did right after she came back) is my question. Was i justified in not doing so? Was I in the wrong? I see both sides of that coin, I truly do.

I also know she felt like there was a power imbalance where I didnt care as much as she did.. mainly because I dont play games, I dont play the power struggle stuff.

As for the relationship, I mean thats over. I just want the peace of mind that not telling her happy birthday when she was watching me like a hawk, but wouldnt reach out or respond wasnt an asshole move on my part. It felt like someone administerring a torture test from behind a 2 way mirror - she was trying to twist knives amd watch for a reaction while i couldnt see her. Thats my take, anyway. The birthday thing was not the intented to hurt, i thought we were just done. Then shes back, and shes mad about that.. like deeply hurt and reminds me and i did apologiz, like i said i didn wishe her a bealted when she came back..But, ive never had this happen to me in my life.. ive never been in any relationship less than 7 years.. this was the first long distance anything ive participated in. Maybe I fucked up. I mean she feels how she feels.. but would you have wished a happy birthday under those circumstances?

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.click to expand

No. Like I mentioned earlier, they broke the terms of engagement.

At that point, they have to be the one to reengage and attempt to repair what was damaged and explain themselves. Trust me, they know you're invested and they are as well. If you want honest clarity on this situation, contact me privately.

click to expand

I will. You going to be around here for a bit.. I gotta finish a bathroom remodel and my plumbers fucked me. Im having to redo everything they did while I had to go away for business yesterday.

I definitely want to hear from you though.

To answer the question, no she doesn’t have a right to be upset about not getting happy birthday wishes.

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.click to expand

No. Like I mentioned earlier, they broke the terms of engagement.

At that point, they have to be the one to reengage and attempt to repair what was damaged and explain themselves. Trust me, they know you're invested and they are as well. If you want honest clarity on this situation, contact me privately.

click to expand

I sent you a DM.. did you get it? It doesn't show in my outbox.

I used to send Bday wishes but not anymore, only because they were always taken for granted, if someone ghosts I move on especially if I'm emotionally attached to them, I let them go and try to never contact them again, I just pretend they never existed,

I honestly wouldn't open up and tell them how I feel, it would be a waste of time,

This woman knows exactly how you feel, that's why she's running away, don't take it personally, just move on,

Your son needs you the most, I'd worry about him seeing you trying to end your life, and I hope you find peace within.

Please take care of yourself 🙏

Posted by Generous1987
I used to send Bday wishes but not anymore, only because they were always taken for granted, if someone ghosts I move on especially if I'm emotionally attached to them, I let them go and try to never contact them again, I just pretend they never existed,

I honestly wouldn't open up and tell them how I feel, it would be a waste of time,

This woman knows exactly how you feel, that's why she's running away, don't take it personally, just move on,

Your son needs you the most, I'd worry about him seeing you trying to end your life, and I hope you find peace within.

Please take care of yourself 🙏

I appreciate it.

I have have let them know how I feel. Im pretty open and expressive, I rarely hold back. Im very much an "I said what I said, lets hear how you feel, now how are we going to proceed from here" kinda guy. She does know how I feel/felt. I dont look at it as a waste of time, i needed to get some things off my chest and draw a bright line through everything to connect the dots. Day to day you overlook things because theyre so close, but reflecting back let's you see patterns you didnt see when they were under your nose. Nothing crazy, just death by papercut. I'm no saint in all this, and im not trying to crucify her. I said some dumb shit that hurt her. I remember disappearing for the first-ish time myself when my dog died... I told her, she showed sympathy, then it seemed like we argued about something that i thought was tiny in the same breath. I just wanted to mourn my dog, and not argue, so I bounced for a bit, and came back. That seems pretty straight forward to me. I get what ibconsider tiny may not as been as tiny to her, but can we wait. Im not trying to get her back, im good now, my brain just tries to understand and fit the puzzle together. It helps me learn and move on. But im sure ill be putting this puzzle together for a while, on my own.



Yeah, im good now. There was a time when everyone wanted something from me, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had several businesses going, my son, employees who relied on me and I had to keep in line and working every day, then my son's mom wanted me to be with her and I just wasnt interested. She deliberately got pregnant by taking antibiotics while on birth control. She admitted she did that on purpose. Not at the time, but when I put it all together and confronted her she did. So I shut all that down. But I keep my son most days and she has free reign to get him come.over, whatever, as a friend and his mom. I started getting phone calls from people I knew, and business acquaintances about her smelling like alcohol and weird behavior. Then she wrecked my company truck I let her drive. She blew over the limit and went to jail. I bailed her out so my son wouldnt wonder where she was. Passed out in my driveway when I got back home, she was laying where I park. I picked her up and put her in a chair. She was in such denial. Then she started trying to take my son away. Im pretty stable in my community, I make good money, on several community boards, business owner, so that helped me, but it took months and I did, I kissed him goodbye as he went to her parents for the weekend, I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and opened my gun safe and downed a bottle in my home office which has a thumb print handle that only myself and he could get into.. as I cried, I took the last swig of the bottle, felt all warm and fuzzy, and put the barrel in my mouth.. about that time the handle beeped and the door opened and the blood curdling scream that boy let out snapped me out of it instantly. I realized how selfish I was being. That kid broke down came screaming to me gave me the biggest hug and just didnt want to let me go. This kid has a cell phone, he will text me all day long, but that day they left and instead of texting me he had his mom turn around come back home so he could ask me to pick him up and take him roller skating. We had been a week or 2 before and he loved it and wanted to go again. The kid probably saved my life and didnt even know why he wanted to come back instead of just texting like he always does. I read something the other day that reminded me of that day and its true, its the people you think about that keeps you from killing yourself when youre down, those are your reason for living. Thats straight gospel. So instead of trying to exit my environment, I started to control it a little better. I got his mom in rehab. I gave her a job. Gave her a purpose, I got a lot tighter with my son - like another level, I started rearranging my business, I started trying to figure out how to make the future happen including the person the happy birthday was about, and guiding my ship in that direction, instead of getting overwhelmed and thrown off course by the storms that had about sank me. So im good now. You know, flowers cant grow without some darkness, even the sweetest roses need a period of darkness to bloom.

Thank you

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.click to expand

No. Like I mentioned earlier, they broke the terms of engagement.

At that point, they have to be the one to reengage and attempt to repair what was damaged and explain themselves. Trust me, they know you're invested and they are as well. If you want honest clarity on this situation, contact me privately.click to expand

I sent you a DM.. did you get it? It doesn't show in my outbox.

click to expand

I did not. I double checked my settings and everything looks okay on my end. I did send you a message. See if you can reply to that.

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by WarAngel79
If they decide to come back, only then do you wish them a happy birthday. Belated, of course.

Otherwise you're picking at the scab and just going to make the scar tissue worse.

Make no mistake: they are thinking about you all the damn time and they want you to remember. But they're going to acknowledge you (at all) on their timeline, not yours.

When they do come back to you feel like they have the right to be mad at you for not wishing them happy birthday? After months of nothing.click to expand

Honestly? FUCK no. But if they do, you know exactly who they are inside and should proceed accordingly.

You're not dealing with a child, but you are dealing with somebody emotionally immature. It's possible that you both are, you need to work on yourself only. You can't help the other person, unless they ask you OR they have to acknowledge their own issues and have to pull their own head out of their ass.

You have to create your own closure, you can't depend on the other person to have the strength and the ovaries.

When something like this happened to me, I told myself: I'm closing the door - but I gave them the key, they have to want to unlock it themselves.click to expand

And thats the conclusion ive came to myself. Ive never had to deal with something like this. I didnt understand at all. I wasnt equipped to handle it. Ive gotten better with understanding the undercurrent that were involved. I mean, im pretty open, im one who wants to objectively see where I fucked up or did well. Ill own my shit. And being ill equipped in understanding waht I was on the receiving end of probably made me take some wrong turns along the way. But ive came to the same conclusions you did.

So you wouldnt have wished them happy Bday either, correct? Like I said in another post I see both sides.. the problem with empathy sometimes is I cant see where their emotions end and mine begin.. especially with people I care about. Hopefully that makes sense.click to expand

No. Like I mentioned earlier, they broke the terms of engagement.

At that point, they have to be the one to reengage and attempt to repair what was damaged and explain themselves. Trust me, they know you're invested and they are as well. If you want honest clarity on this situation, contact me privately.click to expand

I sent you a DM.. did you get it? It doesn't show in my outbox.click to expand

I did not. I double checked my settings and everything looks okay on my end. I did send you a message. See if you can reply to that.

click to expand

It shows in my outbox since I replied to yours. See if you got that