Don’t know what to do.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant.

I realized he had an alcohol problem half way in. I could never understand why he would get so angry over little things. It was like a completely different person. He’s thrown hangers, clothes a book and an empty bottle at me. I’ve always tried to justify these things by saying the liquor bottle was plastic, the book he threw next to me. I’ve tried to justify him calling me a bitch, a tweeker ( I have no idea why he would call me this. I do really good at work and work hard and I like to keep my house clean. So whenever I would clean or move a picture or bring work home he called me a tweeker).

I do feel like an idiot because he low keyed moved in without us ever talking about it. We discussed it but it was never set it stone. He never offered to pay anything until I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago. Anytime I wanted to spend the night alone he would flip so I just stopped saying it. I think I become codependent. My self esteem felt so weak after all of the names and yelling.

I don’t think I was perfect at all. I’m trying to explain this in a way so it’s not all blamed on him. I just don’t remember doing anything to deserve these things.

So he promised he would stop drinking. He claims he went 2 weeks and then went to a friends house. I had him take a breathalyzer. Maybe it was wrong but I needed to know because of the monster hes capable of turning into when he is drinking. He lied over and over again even after failing. Then finally admitted it the next day while at a friends house drinking. He apologized and said he went 2 weeks already and didn’t want to give up having a couple of beers with friends. And I understood this. I was so conflicted. His dad is an alcoholic and I just didnt know what or how to react.

He decided to not come back for a week. Everyday he told me he didn’t want to see me, that I all I do is bitch. He said horrible things. He wouldn’t answer his phone and would only text. So fast forward a whole week. He decides he wants to come back. He told me the whole week he was depressed thinking of me and at his friends house. He let me see his phone. He didn’t think I would look in his pictures but I did. He had a video of his friends girlfriend with underwear and a shirt on and the boyfriend smacking her ass. He also had a snapshot of 3 escorts phone numbers. He got furious and grabbed the phone from me. He took my phone and found nothing. He refused to give me my phone back and when I tried to get it he shoved me into the couch. He punched a hole into my wall. He told me I’m not allowed to ask him any questions about that week. He even told me he was going to have sex with somebody and send me a video of it.

I can’t even describe how completely broken I was. It was almost debilitating. He left. Apologized and then literally 2 hours later texted me asking if he can f*ck. I was so confused. This isn’t the person I fell in love with.

I ended up writing him a closure letter and ending it. He never thought I would do that. I always accepted it for some reason. He promised his friend sent him the pictures of the escorts. He sent me his call logs and he’s the one that called atleast 5 different ones. One in particular he exchanged 10 different calls too. He initially called at 2 am and she called back at 8 am and numerous calls were made. The last of which he called 3 times 40 minutes after their last conversation. He promised he didn’t see her and said he cussed her out. He told me he would have seen her but she thought he was a cop. He said he ignored me all week because he was doing cocaine and hanging out with losers that he’ll never hang out with again. He said he couldn’t answer his phone because he told me so many lies he didn’t know what to say.

He’s begging for me to take him back. Why I am I justifying his behavior. I feel like I’m holding on to what I thought this was. I tried to call the escort but she’s not answering. Not to be mean but I just want to know. If he never saw her why are there so many calls?

Am I being stupid right now for trying to justify any of his behavior?

I know I wasn’t perfect. I was hormonal and trying to get over the names he’s called me.