The Sagittarius B*stard

P.S. Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why, when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they??re dead right. The fact that you haven't murdered him yet is a miracle. The fact that his other girlfriends haven't murdered him either is a godsend. The fact that real astrologers can find nice things to say about him, wasting entire virgin rainforests in the process, is pure magic.
In the olden days, philosophers used to comfort themselves with the knowledge that —I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius.?? No small thanks to me and a proliferation of Piscean protest groups, who didn't like victimization of any kind, unless it was specifically directed at them, the phrase became bastardized somewhat, and even now, Sagittarius still don't have a clue what the phrase means.

What the wise old men of yore were trying to say, no doubt, is that the Sagittarius b*stard dives head-first into mind-boggingly unsuitable situations, without so much as a second thought, because the first ones are hard enough.
Then, when, what men and women of science kindly refer to as his —brain??, has had time to catch up with his actions, he jumps back out again just as quickly. (In a perfect world, men who acted on impulse would send flowers to teenage girls who used cheap deodorant and leave it at that. This, however, is the real world, and in the real world you have got Sagittarius running amok getting teenage girls pregnant and leaving them for even younger girls who wear even cheaper deodorant.)
More irritating than the cold sores you??ll mysteriously begin to develop, is the fact that Sagittarius is the one who started it all in the first place by hurling himself at your feet, literally begging to be enslaved. But as soon as you experience that warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of your stomach — commonly known as love / ulcer / morning sickness, he's up and off. Its not because you aren't the love of his life — don't get him wrong. It's just that now he's had time to think (sic) about it, he's finally realized current relationship problems could be due to the fact that you??re a black, radical feminist-communist, whose favorite pastime is absa!ling, and he's a white, moderate chauvinist-fascist, whose terrified of scaling great heights.
The Sagittarius b*stard??s blind refusal to contemplate foresight before hindsight could be excu

You didn't tell him you were black. And why shouldn't he the extremely rare and valuable lithograph of Joseph Stalin above your mantelpiece was a portrait of your Dad? And how was he to know you were a die hard feminist? You cooked dinner for him once, didn't you? Okay, yes, he did have to pick your underarm hair out of the pasta, but so?
Frankly, it just serves as a good excuse for him to be as unfaithful as he likes, without all the boring guilt that goes along with it.
To say Sagittarius has a deep-rooted fear of monogamy is to say Salman Rushdie is slightly perturbed about dying. Indeed, advertising wankers have long been able to retire on the government they received for the rash of safe sex campaigns created especially for Sagittarius ******** ?? girlfriends. (The original slogan —avoid Sagittarius like the plague, otherwise you will end up catching it?? was ditched during research, when the male Scorpio component complained about out and out favoritism.)
Sagittarius doesn't own a stereo, not because he can't afford one (which he can't) but because the word hi-fidelity sends him into a cold sweat, as opposed to the hot one he got, due to the last bought of hepatitis. Truth be said though, the Sagittarius b*stard??s honesty is something to behold. If he's screwed around, he??ll tell you. In excruciating detail. When you gently hint that you don't care to know who put his hand where, he??ll put his great big foot in his great big mouth, and tell you that, well, actually, come to think of it, it wasn't actually a hand, it was ??_ (at this stage you are fully within your rights to put your hand, which is clenched, into his mouth, which is open, and fill it with lose teeth.)

If and when you meet his family, you??ll notice they too are hideously embarrassed by his tactless words and thoughtless manner. You??ll soon appreciate why he was kicked out of home at an early age and is only ever allowed back for major family get-togethers. Like funerals. And even then, in others?? darkest hours, he still can't help but dig himself into a very large hole.
Asking his sister where her husband is (he's the one in the coffin) is a good example of one of his more minor gaffes. In a hurried attempt to make amends, he??ll tell her he was only joking. When she promptly bursts into tears, he??ll try and make her feel better by saying that he didn't think she and her now-dead spouse were all that well suited anyway. If the monumenta

Which brings us to our next point. If you??re so smart, what the hell are you doing dating him? And don't start telling us its because he's generous. Yes, Sagittarius might scatter money around as profligately as his seed. But this isn't generosity, this is fiscal promiscuity. Once he's spent all his family??s money, he??ll start spending yours. When that runs out, he??ll proceed to spend the earnings of his other girlfriends. Then the bank??s. Then the credit union??s. And then the loan shark??s. Again, it won't be his fault when he's eventually had up for bankruptcy / embezzlement / fraud in a Supreme Court or found in some squalid bedsheet sharing pillows with a horses head. Why didn't you tell him those things with all the columns of numbers were load default statements? How was he to know the anonymous letters featuring clipped-out-of-newspaper words like PAY, UP, OR, YOU DIE were death threats? Anyway, what are you doing still hanging around? Didn't he leave you? And don't say you??re still with him because he's a bloody lucky b*stard. He knows that. What d??you think he is? Stupid?

HOW TO SPOT ONE
He's usually long of limb and short of cash. The wandering eye is not an optical dysfunction, no matter how many times he tries to convince him otherwise.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
In a flotation tank clearing his head. In a think tank feeling out his depth. At a bank asking for credit. At a brothel making a deposit.

HOW INTRIGUE ONE
Act intelligent.

THE FIRST DATE
If he thinks he can get you into bed, expect to be lavished. Just don't be surprised when the debt collectors arrive at the restaurant to take away his meal.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Do so at your own risk. If you start developing facial lesions and can't shake that particularly nasty bout of pneumonia, seek medical advice immediately.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you decide you??d like to be a divorcee in the not-too-distant future.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Count yourself lucky but feign devastation nonetheless. And make sure he pays you the money he owes you.

IF YOU DROP HIM
It??ll take him some time for the words to sink in. so start day one with —you??re??; day two with —dropped?? and on day three really put the knife in with —thicko??.

Lol pretty true though