Advise: Love Him or Leave Him Alone? (Page 2)

Posted by tubbyscubby

Posted by tiki33

Because these men don't prioritize a loving woman in his life, he ends up taking her energy, abusing her emotionally/psychologically (sometimes physically), controlling her. Some women wait on men, the pay off is okay I will give you some of my time the bad boy says but I won't make it easy for you, I won't give back 99% of the time, I don't want to talk to you 90% of the time, play by my rules, I won't respond like I care, I won't answer or initiate unless I want sex or something like money or attention or to just watch you trip over yourself trying to please me, beg me for love, many women wait only to find he's not a great person, he treats her bad and instead of her leaving she sits there like she has stockholme syndrome, captured, stuck. Yet if only these women had understood what RED FLAGS actually are she wouldn't have ever had to go through that another bad man, another douche bag jerk.

Exactly. Its a hard fought lesson but you don't have to make excuses when he's giving 100% . He'll failings but the won't be about spending time or titles. It'll be personality conflicts, his being late, your being early, him leaving shit on your counter but never, "why don't talk more?"

Seriously, if you're asking why a person isn't giving you more, you don't have to write them off but you may want to start juggling an extra set of balls.

click to expand

LMAO@you may want to start juggling an extra set of balls

I agree...If a woman feels starved mentally, emotionally, physically (has to ask for more) and is put into a position to have to wait and see if he gives more why in the hell she would want exclusivity with that kind man, why would it even be on the table when there are so many AVAILABLE men that would love to love her and give to her, why would a woman want a man that's going to starve her out is beyond me.

I don't say move on because I like saying it, I say move on because it's SELF PRESERVATION, if she doesn't love herself enough to say NO to certain types of men that have all this stuff he potentially brings into the relationship then she's digging herself an early grave and aging 10 years older every time she allows herself to get in and out of a toxic relationship.

The funny thing about all of this is I never said you were wrong, I never go out of my way to disqualify what you say because frankly we all have our own opinions and I can respect that about others here yet you don't respect others opinions..... so really what's your problem, if you have an issue with me (email me) we can resolve it.

Unfortunately many women that take men at face value are women that get used and end up in endless multitudes of short term relationships, actually end up being bitter man haters themselves b/c men leave more than they choose to stay, and b/c she takes every man at face value she ends up dismantling her gift of intuition and internal system that alerts her to red flags, basically she doesn't know how to manage her social life with men.

I didn't know you had a bad marriage so I don't know how I could be throwing that up in your face...We hardly speak bella, I don't even know your story, don't know who you were dating/are dating....

I don't have a problem with you, I really don't feel it's productive to expend so much energy on this especially since I don't have an issue with you, I said what I really wanted to say to Yandy, the rest of this is too extra for me.

"God forbid anyone see anything differently around here.your way is definitely the ONLY way to view life.
I'm done,good luck Yandy and the both of you as well."

Everyone see things differently, I never had an issue with that but you did and yet you came behind me to disqualify what I had to say because you didn't like my advice or didn't side with my view and yet that's your god given right to do, to disagree, I never addressed you in this thread, I was addressing Yandy not Bella and yet here we are b/c you didn't like my advice, you came to me with how you felt and I addressed the issue...Yet your projecting your need to be definitely right onto me, I never said my view of life is definite you did.

No Piggy. She's clingy. You're the desperate idiot for encouraging her instead of reading what she wrote.

Okay I see... seems you feel my words are offensive...I sincerely apologize, my observation doesn't warrant hurting or demeaning anyone. My statement was off of pure observation. I actually believe in my statement so I definitely won't take it back but I'm not here to hurt anyone, to offend anyone or put anyone down.

I don't disagree with your observations, what you believe and feel is yours to believe and feel, I didn't come here to address Bella, I came here to address Yandy's post, I have said that already and thus it's turned into this...I actually never addressed you, you addressed me and you have addressed a few of the people you don't agree with.

Why can't you accept other people's point of view and leave it at that...What's your motive to disqualify others? A simple I don't agree is sufficient.

For the record I don't have an issue with you.... we hardly speak or run into each other on DXP, I believe this is our very first conversation online or am I mistaken.

So now that we have established we don't have issues with one another can we move on from this...Well I am, this is too energy draining/negative for me to deal with.

Fuck yea! And it's evidenced by the fact that you use a drool cup.

I don't ever want to see eye to eye with you. You're ignorant. The fact that you are so blind in this matter is exactly why you will continually fail in love matters. Ignore me, ignore tiki, read what the other women have written.

None of us is perfect but at the mo you can't be helped. Your stuck in some illusion. Grow the fuck up and learn how to put yourself first. Until then, cry your eyes out about how unfair you're being treated cause I don't give a damn about you or how you feel. Your advice is destructive and your too focused on disagreeing and giving the benefit of the doubt to this man instead giving a damn about this woman to see it.

Your husband did some work on you chick.

Done with it. She has perspective but we all know what will happen. She will continue with dude. She'll get hurt and maybe then she'll learn.

Thanks for clarifying your thoughts bella....I actually understand were you are coming from and I'm by no means challanging your advice.

IMO he is not doing his part and that's what a few of us have pointed out and this is were we differ on this issue. Even her friends didn't care too much for this guy, even she has some doubts about him but she chooses not to listen to herself or anyone else for that matter.

Yandy is pretty much doing the leg work IMO and I feel a man that talks down about the women in his past harbor some deep underlying unresolved issues, we all have a past but I'm inclined to back off of a man that talks down about the women from his past, past relationships should be discussed at some point but if a man is speaking ill of the women from his past that would set off the alarms, generally men don't go there unless it's truly something he has to share that effects his future like support of children or ties with an ex-wife financially that's still effecting his present future. People tend not to air there dirty laundry and bag on the people from his or her past. If the women he chose to be attracted to turned out to be lousy with gold digging tendencies what part did he play in choosing her and what does that say about him and his decision making...That's just how I process what's revealed

There are a few things that some of us see that set off our internal red flag alarm, that's not something to debate about, least I don't think so, you are not expected to feel and see what I feel and see and vice versa.

You see what you see and I see what I see, just b/c we both see differently with what's revealed doesn't make it wrong, it could be 2 sides of the coin and if you put it together were both right.

/BEGIN NEFER RANT!!

"LOVE IS EASY, it's us that make it hard by not honoring ourselves and knowing our worth."
QFT

... Big Sissa... Tiki and tubby are indeeeeeed much "harder" on men than say.. you or I are... but MY GOD, they have the basic nuts and bolts down about putting yourself FIRST, for honoring YOU and YOUR FEELINGS.. for not ignoring your intuitions. Love is NOT hard.. but there was a time it felt sooo hard to me.. I gave and gave and gave.. chances, time, money, attention.. ALL my love and support... but I didn't honor MYSELF more than I honored the MAN.. and it was to my detriment! My famous Piscean intuition was dulled, or so I thought.. I was always thinking (AFTERWARD) "Holy shit... why in the HELL didn't I see that coming?? How in the HELL did I get in so deep, so over my head, and completely fucked over AGAIN?! Why does this keep happening?"... my intuitions were there.. the red flags clearer in hindsight than real sight... but I'd "forgotten" how to interpret them... I'd forgotten (or never knew?) how HEALTHY relationships FEEL, I mistook the "butterflies" and off-balance feelings, the "challenges".. as mystery, fun, excitement.. it pulled me in, drew me in.. it was LOOOOOOOVE, right? God, it's not, it's really not. Love is EASY.. love FLOWS.. love doesn't leave a bunch of questions twisting around in your brain, love doesn't leave you confused and unsure.

Even the love I have now, I was destroying at one time!! I wasn't doing my part by NOT doing MORE than my part! I was getting all choked up and angsty, off-balance.. where was the uncertainty... why does this seem so steady, so boring and stable.. that's not love.. shake it up a bit, girl... DOOOO EEEET!.. just like always.. oh, what? Wait! He's pulling away? He's leaving me?!!? NOooOoooOo that's not what I wanted.. I just wanted to FEEL LOVED... *sigh* as I thought love felt. The only thing I've EVER had control over is ME... so when I nearly destroyed myself, I found a way to fix myself... and my Difficult relationship blossomed into something amazing, cuz *I* am amazing and finally IN LOVE WITH MYSELF! It's not vanity or selfishness. And loving yourself is the ONLY way a (healthy) man will truly love you! (NO Douches Allowed!)

Incidentally, I HAVE seen Tiki support women in here.. THAT'S ALL SHE DOES!!.. that's it.. every single thing she posts about this is FOR the women, is FOR the woman's feelings, her value, her WORTH... It's not about the men, it's not about telling a woman to do this or that, because her man will like it... it's not about women changing or giving men (undeserved) chances when they aren't doing their parts... it's about not putting all your eggs in one basket and NOT getting all hung up on one difficult man you're trying to desperately to "fix" through your love... it's about remaining OPEN TO LOVE, not getting hooked and addicted on the unhealthy stuff a lot of us do. It's about fixing YOU, the only thing you CAN control (fixing, NOT changing for a man!) and recognizing your patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors and the way you set yourself up for failure, ESP when you don't listen to your gut and take a step back.

But as for supporting the men? I've seen it from Tiki a couple times.. yes, I was surprised, cuz she's SOOO "Show Me The Money FIRST" about men (crazy Aqua chicks LOL)... and most of the relationship questions/posts on here ARE about unhealthy dynamics in generally troubled relationships, already in dire straights by the time the woman listens to her instincts long enough to even question it, to even POST about it... It doesn't make her a man-hater, she's working with what she's given.

MY take? Yancy has work to do on herself, and she's not listening to her gut telling her something's off.. it's so quiet, that little voice.. she almost didn't hear it. To serve herself best, to honor herself best, she needs to step back, don't cut him out completely, but do NOT get tied up or exclusive with a man before he's REALLY stepping up (TRAP!!!).. which this one ain't yet. And when she begins honoring herself first... the "bad" men fade out, disappear, as effortlessly as they entered... or they actually step up and actually DO a healthy relationship. If she stays the same.. NOTHING changes but the guy involved in yet another clusterfuck mess. Cuz a HEALTHY man does not stay with an UNHEALTHY woman.. is HE healthy or Unhealthy? She needs to get Healthy FIRST to really know.

Show Me The Money, Honey. Step up, or step out. Anything less is excuses and I ain't got that kinda time to waste. Tick Tock.

Awww, night!

Bulls have trouble saying, "you're right"...the immature ones that is.

Excellent points nefer. My sentiments exactly but with a lot less FIAH! 🙂

Nefer you are DXP Heaven...damn why can't more pisces women be like you, as always you are my other half hahaha and I'm not sure how that happened since I'm an Air sign but okay it works...Great post! I don't have anything to add, you said it for me.

The advice has been appreciated. I have officially checked out of this situation, though. I saw him this weekend. Nothing bad happened. It was very neutral. When I walked away from him, my gut told me to KEEP walking. My mind was clear and I'm drained. I can't give it anymore emotion. I like him, respect him...all that...but, at the end of the day, it's just not going to work. I've been fighting that for way too long...now that I've stopped I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted. Wondering is heavy as hell. LoL Anyway, have a great one, folks!! 🙂

WOO!

I would say that I'm sorry for your loss but I aint. I think most of us sensed your inner turmoil and overall, no one should have to fight to be liked let alone loved. I'm sure we've all been in your shoes at one point or another but kudos to you for getting the message before you got in too deep.

I know you're a grown women but sometimes it takes years for some of us to learn that love and the quest for it shouldn't hurt. I know you know this but examine your actions and you'll realize that this time you were looking in the wrong place. I'm sure he had great qualities but at this point in his life he couldn't give you what you deserved or desired. And never ever never again allow yourself to confuse patience and understanding with foolishness. You wouldve robbed yourself of worth had you continued.

Recent events have reminded me what relationships are supposed to be about. I'd spent the last decade cynical and thinking that I had to bend in order to receive. I bent so much in one instance that I broke.

The right guy will meet what you bring to the table. It will be easy, natural and reciprocal. If not, put his number in your black book, dust off the black dress and heels and go fishin'!

Good luck and PRAISE JESUS! We saved a soul!

Posted by tubbyscubby
WOO!

I would say that I'm sorry for your loss but I aint. I think most of us sensed your inner turmoil and overall, no one should have to fight to be liked let alone loved. I'm sure we've all been in your shoes at one point or another but kudos to you for getting the message before you got in too deep.

I know you're a grown women but sometimes it takes years for some of us to learn that love and the quest for it shouldn't hurt. I know you know this but examine your actions and you'll realize that this time you were looking in the wrong place. I'm sure he had great qualities but at this point in his life he couldn't give you what you deserved or desired. And never ever never again allow yourself to confuse patience and understanding with foolishness. You wouldve robbed yourself of worth had you continued.

Recent events have reminded me what relationships are supposed to be about. I'd spent the last decade cynical and thinking that I had to bend in order to receive. I bent so much in one instance that I broke.

The right guy will meet what you bring to the table. It will be easy, natural and reciprocal. If not, put his number in your black book, dust off the black dress and heels and go fishin'!

Good luck and PRAISE JESUS! We saved a soul!

Haha! I don't know that my soul was ever in danger but thanks, Tubby! I just had an honest moment with myself. We have great chemistry and it's apparent that he likes me. He just doesn't "like me" enough. I don't even think I really like HIM enough because when I think about it I've always had plenty of reasons to dislike him, even outside of his personal drama. My brain has always said "no", while my heart has always said "yes" in this case. I couldn't control my heart until I'd had enough. I took the rose-colored glasses off and realized that while I was striving to "get to know him better", there was plenty that I already knew about his character, but overlooked because they weren't favorable. It's been a wonderful couple of days not wondering and not caring about what happens. The wondering (due to mixed messages) consumed me and I'm happy to be rid of it. The only thing I'm dealing with now is that the majority of those who've been around us are opposed to me completely cutting him off. They're telling me that it's clear that there are feelings there and that we will probably be great friends, but w

Hmmm... My Post was cut short: but whatever. He's got too much going on and I don't feel like a friendship is even really worth it. I care about him and I wish the best for him, but it isn't love. Not to the point where I would fight for a friendship with him. I'm not reaching out, so it will be what it will be on his end. I'm done.

That's one thing I can say about cappy women, yall seem to "get it" quickest among earth signs and your turnover rate is speedy. You'll have another soon enough just remember what u learned.

And I dunno about writing him off but I would create distance in the short-term. Remember why you quit him cause sometimes guys will straighten up in the short to confuse ya and pull ya back in. If those things haven't changed, he hasn't. Point is, you have.

Either way, I'm glad you listened to your gut and you so totally get the "SuperWoman" pin along with a Certificate and a coupon for a free frostee.

Posted by tubbyscubby
That's one thing I can say about cappy women, yall seem to "get it" quickest among earth signs and your turnover rate is speedy. You'll have another soon enough just remember what u learned.

And I dunno about writing him off but I would create distance in the short-term. Remember why you quit him cause sometimes guys will straighten up in the short to confuse ya and pull ya back in. If those things haven't changed, he hasn't. Point is, you have.

Either way, I'm glad you listened to your gut and you so totally get the "SuperWoman" pin along with a Certificate and a coupon for a free frostee.

Oh I definitely get it...actually I got it before, but my heart was holding on for dear life. SO not me, but it was uncontrollable until I'd had enough of the uncertainty.

As far as completely cutting him off, that'll be up to him. I refuse to contact him. I don't even want to. Honestly, though, I really don't feel like he'll ever contact me again either. My fam can't understand why I feel that way, but I really do. They keep telling me "Oh, please...he's definitely going to call." Like I said before...nothing bad happened between us, I just have that feeling in my gut, which is fine. I'm back to my normal self w/my "He can call or don't call...I could care less" mentality. If he doesn't, it's totally his loss, so that's on him. He'll never find another like me. If I do hear from him, my feelings about the whole situation will be aired out first before anything else. I was so busy trying keep him comfortable that I couldn't even say what I wanted to. Ridiculous! LoL

The funny thing about the men I've been meeting (And I don't think this has anything to do w/astrology) is that they're constantly complaining about women not being this or that or not taking care of them or the home...not being feminine enough...not understanding enough...being golddiggers. I swear I have about 10 friends (and I'll include myself) who are smart, gorgeous, cultured, hardworking, feminine, classy, making their own money, taking care of themselves and ready and willing to take care of their men, who can't find a decent man to share themselves with to save their lives. So many men ask for these qualities but don't appreciate them or just can't handle them when they actually get them. They play so many games, but it's us who are they problems. Geez. Let me get off of my soapbo

"I swear I have about 10 friends (and I'll include myself) who are smart, gorgeous, cultured, hardworking, feminine, classy, making their own money, taking care of themselves and ready and willing to take care of their men, who can't find a decent man to share themselves with to save their lives. So many men ask for these qualities but don't appreciate them or just can't handle them when they actually get them. They play so many games..."

Yandy, you are sooooo right!

I say, "F@ck em," but, that's just me, so I wouldn't really listen to me 🙂