emotional cheating

I just don't get this, and maybe you can shed some light on it as a Virgo male..

My virgo fiance has said he'd never cheat. BUT. he does..emotionally. The first time i found texts from another woman (even sexual)I called him out on it. He said she was just a friend and he'd cut contact. He did but it took 6 months! And who knows if he's just better at hiding it now..

And since, there has been several others on FB. All 'just friends'. I've seen chats from him referencing get togethers, your so sexy, I could be good for you...blah blah.

WHY? ego thing? sounds more like a leo than Virgo. (he's aug 27)Aside from that, he's very Virgo..very controlling! I can't talk to other men, dance with them when we go out unless they are 'preapproved', and he accusses me of things I'd never do. And i know the saying.."if they accuse you its because they are the ones doing it."

I just don't get why he continues to do this. I have helped him finanacially, and keeping him on track(he's an alcoholic and he doesn't drink like he did). I go to work and come home and I'm with him. I have to be with him..rarely does he give me any alone time at all.

Posted by capbaby
I just don't get this, and maybe you can shed some light on it as a Virgo male..

My virgo fiance has said he'd never cheat. BUT. he does..emotionally. The first time i found texts from another woman (even sexual)I called him out on it. He said she was just a friend and he'd cut contact. He did but it took 6 months! And who knows if he's just better at hiding it now..

And since, there has been several others on FB. All 'just friends'. I've seen chats from him referencing get togethers, your so sexy, I could be good for you...blah blah.

WHY? ego thing? sounds more like a leo than Virgo. (he's aug 27)Aside from that, he's very Virgo..very controlling! I can't talk to other men, dance with them when we go out unless they are 'preapproved', and he accusses me of things I'd never do. And i know the saying.."if they accuse you its because they are the ones doing it."

I just don't get why he continues to do this. I have helped him finanacially, and keeping him on track(he's an alcoholic and he doesn't drink like he did). I go to work and come home and I'm with him. I have to be with him..rarely does he give me any alone time at all.

He sounds like my Virgo. He considers us good friends but deletes guys from my phone. Controling manipulating. I think when they go through bad stuff their mind cannot handle it amd they do stuff to distract themselves.

Posted by capbaby
I just don't get this, and maybe you can shed some light on it as a Virgo male..

My virgo fiance has said he'd never cheat. BUT. he does..emotionally. The first time i found texts from another woman (even sexual)I called him out on it. He said she was just a friend and he'd cut contact. He did but it took 6 months! And who knows if he's just better at hiding it now..

And since, there has been several others on FB. All 'just friends'. I've seen chats from him referencing get togethers, your so sexy, I could be good for you...blah blah.

WHY? ego thing? sounds more like a leo than Virgo. (he's aug 27)Aside from that, he's very Virgo..very controlling! I can't talk to other men, dance with them when we go out unless they are 'preapproved', and he accusses me of things I'd never do. And i know the saying.."if they accuse you its because they are the ones doing it."

I just don't get why he continues to do this. I have helped him finanacially, and keeping him on track(he's an alcoholic and he doesn't drink like he did). I go to work and come home and I'm with him. I have to be with him..rarely does he give me any alone time at all.

Hahahaha....this is not about being a virgo....it's about being a douchebag...lol, I love these thread.

what is he looking for that I don't give him??

I have a bigger sex drive than him if hes looking for physical.
His friends tell me and him how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me, and he agrees with them.
I'm always there for him to talk to about anything.

btw..he's 53 and I'm 44..friends for 13 years and in relationship for 1.5 years. I guess i dont get what he is looking for with this almost 'need' to form other relationships..

end it with him! Hes a douche!

@capbaby this doesn't sound like a Virgo issue; sounds like you've got a damaged MAN. No matter how great you are or what you do for him you are not likely to change him into a better man...he has to do that himself. A Virgo would not tell you outright that we're having an emotional affair if we care about you. What's the point of trying to hide it now, if he's already admitted to it? And he doesn't seem to be putting forth much effort to spare your feelings if you're constantly finding emails and chats with other women. The real question is can you happily be with a man who behaves like this? Even if (according to him) he's not engaging in the actual act of sex. And assuming that he really isn't how long do you think it will be before he does or just plain finds someone he deems better?

Plus he's old(er), so his character is pretty much set in STONE by this point. You're fighting a losing battle. This guy does not sound like a Virgo at all. We are much more sophisticated in our deceit. I am definitely a flirt and I will entertain friendships with other men but NOTHING like what your guy is doing. It's too much of a hassle to be responsible for several peoples emotional happiness. Consider cashing in your chips and moving on, there's not much more you can do here. Good luck!

Posted by capbaby
what is he looking for that I don't give him??

I have a bigger sex drive than him if hes looking for physical.
His friends tell me and him how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me, and he agrees with them.
I'm always there for him to talk to about anything.

btw..he's 53 and I'm 44..friends for 13 years and in relationship for 1.5 years. I guess i dont get what he is looking for with this almost 'need' to form other relationships..

Take your prized, beautiful, caring and understanding self over to someone who will appreciate you. Emotional cheating is just ad bad as him having sex with someone else. Why make his issues your problem? Id say move on and go back to being friends if you can.

sky1..he's lazy, its not about all work with him. He likes someone else to do all the work. He is horrible with money but has no problem asking or spending others.

He is damaged, i just never quite knew how badly. he has never told me about the currently #5woman. I find out and don't tell him I know, except for the one. I become so numb to it all at this point, but know I have to make a decision...

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by incandescentcancer
Hahahaha....this is not about being a virgo....it's about being a douchebag...lol, I love these thread.

He is giving cancer men a run for your money.

click to expand

Are you supposed to be the defender of Virgo men because you're banging one?...lol

Posted by capbaby
I just don't get this, and maybe you can shed some light on it as a Virgo male..

My virgo fiance has said he'd never cheat. BUT. he does..emotionally. The first time i found texts from another woman (even sexual)I called him out on it. He said she was just a friend and he'd cut contact. He did but it took 6 months! And who knows if he's just better at hiding it now..

And since, there has been several others on FB. All 'just friends'. I've seen chats from him referencing get togethers, your so sexy, I could be good for you...blah blah.

WHY? ego thing? sounds more like a leo than Virgo. (he's aug 27)Aside from that, he's very Virgo..very controlling! I can't talk to other men, dance with them when we go out unless they are 'preapproved', and he accusses me of things I'd never do. And i know the saying.."if they accuse you its because they are the ones doing it."

I just don't get why he continues to do this. I have helped him finanacially, and keeping him on track(he's an alcoholic and he doesn't drink like he did). I go to work and come home and I'm with him. I have to be with him..rarely does he give me any alone time at all.

..and he's controlling toward you? Don't you think that's a bit of a double standard? You aren't married yet and you are supporting him financially? An alcoholic and still drinks but not like he did? What are you thinking— Do you think this is all going to magically change when you tie the knot? C'mon wake up girl. By staying with him you are teaching him all of this behavior is ok, and trust me, it's going to get a lot worse when you say I Do. Get away from him immediately!

"btw..he's 53 and I'm 44..friends for 13 years and in relationship for 1.5 years. I guess i dont get what he is looking for with this almost 'need' to form other relationships.. "

If you could just go back and with an open mind re-read EVERYTHING you've posted about this guy, you may see what we are seeing!

I'm a Capricorn/aqua cusp. I know he's Virgo with leo cusp. He acts more like a leo often. We might not be married, yet, but we live together. Not quite sure how I am going to approach this yet.

Posted by capbaby
I'm a Capricorn/aqua cusp. I know he's Virgo with leo cusp. He acts more like a leo often. We might not be married, yet, but we live together. Not quite sure how I am going to approach this yet.

Astrology definitely has nothing to do with your situation! This man has some serious issues.

Unfortunately you have a man that's an addict and addicts are always looking for a FIX, even the sober ones that don't have sponsorship ruminate and chase their fix in their thoughts, he's most likely on the verge of relapsing so he's using the emotional connection to soothe himself.

He may also have some spin off addictions or have developed a new addiction since he can't drink anymore, he also may resent you being his mother figure and being so heavily involved in his sobriety eg fixing his problems, fixing his financial problems.

His way of keeping some part of his autonomy is to REBEL, this isn't a Virgo thing so much as it's part of his addiction speaking to you to leave him alone.

Does he have an AA sponsor? If he does then you should definitely get in touch with his AA sponsor or even get him back into AA meetings. Basically he's playing out his addiction with women, transferring one addiction for another addiction.

Maybe you should LET GO, let his addiction go and stop making it your responsibility to fix a grown able bodied mans issues.

You're losing yourself and it's not healthy. Why you've stayed in such a unhealthy soul wrenching situation I dunno but you're going to need some professional help too if you choose to stay because boundaries are being crossed not just by you but by him too, once that happens, disrespect and neglect comes right on into your relationship.

Posted by tiki33
Unfortunately you have a man that's an addict and addicts are always looking for a FIX, even the sober ones that don't have sponsorship ruminate and chase their fix in their thoughts, he's most likely on the verge of relapsing so he's using the emotional connection to soothe himself.

He may also have some spin off addictions or have developed a new addiction since he can't drink anymore, he also may resent you being his mother figure and being so heavily involved in his sobriety eg fixing his problems, fixing his financial problems.

His way of keeping some part of his autonomy is to REBEL, this isn't a Virgo thing so much as it's part of his addiction speaking to you to leave him alone.

Does he have an AA sponsor? If he does then you should definitely get in touch with his AA sponsor or even get him back into AA meetings. Basically he's playing out his addiction with women, transferring one addiction for another addiction.

Maybe you should LET GO, let his addiction go and stop making it your responsibility to fix a grown able bodied mans issues.

You're losing yourself anon Ad it's not healthy. Why you've stayed in such a unhealthy soul wrenching situation I dunno but you're going to need some professional help too if you choose to stay because boundaries are being crossed not just by you but by him too, once that happens, disrespect and neglect comes right on into your relationship.

^^^^ Werd.... As the former wife of an alcoholic for 20+ years, this... is right on point. Al_Anon...Al Anon... Al Anon... It changed my life...

tiki33...you are so right! I have become so consumed by his issues, his problems, his dysfumctional family. For all the negative, deep down I know he loves me and he is a kind loving man. He always tells people he doesn't know what he'd do without me..being there for him thru everything, etc. I just get so tired..

There comes a time when you stop making full deposits into a relationship that is giving you partial withdrawals. Life demands full investment & if you feel your not getting your full benefits its time to evaluate if this the position you want. Don't live your life pleasing someone else & not feeling the same in return. This is your life too.

Amen@TheLadySagitarius +1

Love it "There comes a time when you stop making full deposits into a relationship that is giving you partial withdrawals."

Capbaby addicts have so many mask and they use all of them. Have you ever thought he's manipulating you with his "kind loving man" mask?

I'm not saying he's not a kind and loving man but I have a gut feeling he's USING that part of his personality to keep you in hanging onto him because if he's acting out online with other women well that's not "kind nor loving" behavior on his part which leads me to believe he's being manipulative.

You need help. You can go to AA meetings without him. Reach out to them, open up about your issues, don't do this alone, they can help you maneuver through the manipulation and help you create boundaries for yourself, maybe even help you develop an exit plan.

Hearing the other side is really interesting.....

She's only knows him on the substance. She's living with him and there and has become an enabler which is worse than the guys addiction. Bottom line..she doesn't know this man at all. Staying with him is not going to fix him. You need to walk and let him get his life on track. Keeping him floating in that bottle is doing more harm than letting him sink to the bottom.

'Capbaby addicts have so many mask and they use all of them. Have you ever thought he's manipulating you with his "kind loving man" mask?'

yes it has crossed my mind. You have all given me a view of what my gut has told me...that this won't end unless I give an ultimatum or walk...

Posted by capbaby
'Capbaby addicts have so many mask and they use all of them. Have you ever thought he's manipulating you with his "kind loving man" mask?'

yes it has crossed my mind. You have all given me a view of what my gut has told me...that this won't end unless I give an ultimatum or walk...

Ultimatums don't work for addiction. The 3 C's of Al Anon... You didn't cause it. You can't control it and You can't cure it. But... you can take care of you....

update....I laid everything on the line about how i feel and his behavior, and that I can't do it any more. Can't live like this any more.

He told me he has to make changes and he is willing, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he loves me to death. Things since have been so much better!

Hairrazor...absolutely. there was really nothing for ME to do as it isn't my issue, its his, and he knows it.