loonybird
@loonybird
21 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 162 · Topics: 20
Jokes/Poetry
What is the purpose of the Jokes and Poetry thread
The Jokes and Poetry thread is a space for sharing jokes, poems, stories, and anecdotes to entertain and connect with others interested in humorous and creative content.
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I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER !!
Believe me it is true...........
* You installed the best in me.
* Your picture is always in my background.
* You clicked my heart gently.
* Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness
in me.
* You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
* I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
* You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
* You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
* You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never logout.
* You don't have to search for me, cause we are always
linked to each other.
* I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my
Homepage and all my software.
* I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected
by you.
* You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I?
* You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
* Believe me it is true..........I love you more than
my CPU
Believe me it is true...........
* You installed the best in me.
* Your picture is always in my background.
* You clicked my heart gently.
* Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness
in me.
* You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
* I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
* You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
* You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
* You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never logout.
* You don't have to search for me, cause we are always
linked to each other.
* I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my
Homepage and all my software.
* I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected
by you.
* You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I?
* You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
* Believe me it is true..........I love you more than
my CPU
Tongue Twisters
Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitterbutterbetter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How much wood would a woodchuck chuckif a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck wouldif a woodchuck could chuck wood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitterbutterbetter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How much wood would a woodchuck chuckif a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck wouldif a woodchuck could chuck wood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once Upon A December
Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...
And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December
Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...
And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December
The Christmas Waltz
- Frank Sinatra
Frosted windowpanes
Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and me
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing, too
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours, everyone
Merry Christmas ....
- Frank Sinatra
Frosted windowpanes
Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and me
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing, too
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours, everyone
Merry Christmas ....
Subject: Truly priceless
>>
>>The government recently calculated the cost of
>>raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with
>> $ 160,140 for a middle income family.
>>
>>Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch
>>college tuition.
>>
>>But $ 160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
>>translates into $ 8,896.66 a year, $ 741.38 a month,
>>or $ 171.08 a week. That's a mere $ 24.24 a day!
>>
>>Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think
>>the best financial advice says don't have children
>>if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
>>
>>What do your get for your $ 160,140?
>>
>>1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>>
>>2. Glimpses of God every day.
>>
>>3. Giggles under the covers every night.
>>
>>4. More love than your heart can hold.
>>
>>5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>>
>>6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds,
>>and warm cookies.
>>
>>7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
>>
>>8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
>>building sand castles, and skipping down
>>the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
>>
>>9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter
>>what the boss said or how your stocks performed
>>that day.
>>
>>10. For $ 160,140, you never have to grow up.
>>
>>11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
>>hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
>>never stop believing in Santa Claus.
>>
>>12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the
>>Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
>>Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
>>movies, and wishing on stars.
>>
>>13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
>>under refrigerator magnets and collect
>>spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
>>handprints set in clay for Mother's Day,
>>and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
>>
>>14. For $ 160,140, there is no greater bang for your
>>buck.
>>
>>15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a
>>Frisbee off the garage roof,
>>taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a
>>splinter, filling a wading
>>pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
>>and coaching a baseball team that never
>>wins but always gets treated to ice cream
>>regardless.
>>
>>16. You get a front row seat to history to witness
>>the first step, first word, first bra, first date,
>>and first time behind the wheel.
>>
>>17. You get to be immortal.
>>
>>18. You get another branch added to your family tree,
>>and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in
>>your obituary called grandchildren.
>>
>>19. You get an education in psychology, nursing,
>>criminal justice, communications, and
>>human sexuality that no college can match.
>>
>>20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there
>>with God. You have all the power to heal
>>a boo-boo, scare away the monsters
>>under the bed, patch a broken heart,
>>police a slumber party, ground them forever,
>>And love them without limits,
>>so one day they will, like you, love without
>>counting the cost.
>>
>>ENJOY YOUR KIDS !!
>
>>
>>The government recently calculated the cost of
>>raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with
>> $ 160,140 for a middle income family.
>>
>>Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch
>>college tuition.
>>
>>But $ 160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
>>translates into $ 8,896.66 a year, $ 741.38 a month,
>>or $ 171.08 a week. That's a mere $ 24.24 a day!
>>
>>Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think
>>the best financial advice says don't have children
>>if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
>>
>>What do your get for your $ 160,140?
>>
>>1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>>
>>2. Glimpses of God every day.
>>
>>3. Giggles under the covers every night.
>>
>>4. More love than your heart can hold.
>>
>>5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>>
>>6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds,
>>and warm cookies.
>>
>>7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
>>
>>8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
>>building sand castles, and skipping down
>>the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
>>
>>9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter
>>what the boss said or how your stocks performed
>>that day.
>>
>>10. For $ 160,140, you never have to grow up.
>>
>>11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
>>hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
>>never stop believing in Santa Claus.
>>
>>12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the
>>Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
>>Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
>>movies, and wishing on stars.
>>
>>13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
>>under refrigerator magnets and collect
>>spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
>>handprints set in clay for Mother's Day,
>>and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
>>
>>14. For $ 160,140, there is no greater bang for your
>>buck.
>>
>>15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a
>>Frisbee off the garage roof,
>>taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a
>>splinter, filling a wading
>>pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
>>and coaching a baseball team that never
>>wins but always gets treated to ice cream
>>regardless.
>>
>>16. You get a front row seat to history to witness
>>the first step, first word, first bra, first date,
>>and first time behind the wheel.
>>
>>17. You get to be immortal.
>>
>>18. You get another branch added to your family tree,
>>and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in
>>your obituary called grandchildren.
>>
>>19. You get an education in psychology, nursing,
>>criminal justice, communications, and
>>human sexuality that no college can match.
>>
>>20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there
>>with God. You have all the power to heal
>>a boo-boo, scare away the monsters
>>under the bed, patch a broken heart,
>>police a slumber party, ground them forever,
>>And love them without limits,
>>so one day they will, like you, love without
>>counting the cost.
>>
>>ENJOY YOUR KIDS !!
>
HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Hi Guys!
check out the site:
http://www.blahaha.com
check out the site:
http://www.blahaha.com
WISH YOU ALL MERRY X'MAS AND A LIFE FULL OF LOVE & HAPPINESS.
Nixon Down Under
One day during his presidency, Richard Nixon landed in Australia for a state visit. As he stepped from the plane, Nixon made a peace sign (as was his custom) to signify solidarity with his Aussie hosts.
Some time later he was delicately informed that, in Australia, the so-called 'peace sign' (unless the palm is facing out) is the equivalent of an American display of the middle finger.
Groucho Marx & Marilyn Monroe: Arresting Beauty
Famed comedian Groucho Marx first met Marilyn Monroe on the set of a 1950 film called Love Happy. "Young lady, I think you're a case of arrested development," Marx remarked. "With your development, somebody's bound to get arrested!"
One day during his presidency, Richard Nixon landed in Australia for a state visit. As he stepped from the plane, Nixon made a peace sign (as was his custom) to signify solidarity with his Aussie hosts.
Some time later he was delicately informed that, in Australia, the so-called 'peace sign' (unless the palm is facing out) is the equivalent of an American display of the middle finger.
Groucho Marx & Marilyn Monroe: Arresting Beauty
Famed comedian Groucho Marx first met Marilyn Monroe on the set of a 1950 film called Love Happy. "Young lady, I think you're a case of arrested development," Marx remarked. "With your development, somebody's bound to get arrested!"
WISHING ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SUN SIGN PRAYERS JUST FOR FUN
by Nolan Myers
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
by Nolan Myers
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
Kosh Quotes for the 12 Signs of the Zodiac!
by Lauryl Stone, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5.
Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.
Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.
Gemini: The truth points to itself.
Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.
Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.
Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.
Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.
Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.
Sagittarius: I am studying.
Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?
Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!
Pisces: We are all Kosh.
by Lauryl Stone, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5.
Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.
Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.
Gemini: The truth points to itself.
Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.
Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.
Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.
Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.
Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.
Sagittarius: I am studying.
Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?
Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!
Pisces: We are all Kosh.
Parallax dude,
you are bleeding hurt. LOL. Emotion everywhere, sprawled across the board. You are an open sore, Man. Like a teeny tiny penis caught in a zipper. LOL Just lashing out.
Didn't know my other post in the Pisces forum hurt you that bad. You're so emotional, it's kind of embarrassing, but, that's cool though. We need overly sensitive types around here. The tender hearted. lol
Hey my man, you've been carrying around all this hurt all this time. I would've thought the continuous colonics would've gotten all that out by now. That's alternative medicine for you. lol
Actually, I've missed you. I know it sounds crazy, but . . .
Come here and give this Virgo a hug. Awww you know you like hugs from Virgo men. Stop being bashful.
Hey, it's too bad you all. Since para don't read my post, he'll never see this. Oh well.
In case you're a liar,
Welcome back my man.
VirgoSquared
you are bleeding hurt. LOL. Emotion everywhere, sprawled across the board. You are an open sore, Man. Like a teeny tiny penis caught in a zipper. LOL Just lashing out.
Didn't know my other post in the Pisces forum hurt you that bad. You're so emotional, it's kind of embarrassing, but, that's cool though. We need overly sensitive types around here. The tender hearted. lol
Hey my man, you've been carrying around all this hurt all this time. I would've thought the continuous colonics would've gotten all that out by now. That's alternative medicine for you. lol
Actually, I've missed you. I know it sounds crazy, but . . .
Come here and give this Virgo a hug. Awww you know you like hugs from Virgo men. Stop being bashful.
Hey, it's too bad you all. Since para don't read my post, he'll never see this. Oh well.
In case you're a liar,
Welcome back my man.
VirgoSquared
SUPPOSEDLY THESE ADS APPEARED IN PAPERS ACROSS USofA
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
English Translations By Gender
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
M.Y.A.S.S.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."
This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."
Computers - Male or Female? (?)
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.
Who Was that Masked Driver?
Aries: Aries will be the first on the block to get the latest and greatest new model car to show off to all the neighbours. Also the first to put it up a tree while waving at the neighbours and shouting "Look at me!"
Taurus: the newest version of whatever car they're trading in. No sense in going out on a limb to buy something unfamiliar now is there?
Gemini: two cars, of course: the family car will be any old thing to take the wife/hubby and kids out in on weekends; the other car will belong to Gemini only and be loaded with extra features to give it class --- racing stripes, rad whhheeells, cellular phone, auto windows, auto door locks, auto attenna, CD player and stereo speakers, sun roof ....
Cancer: some cute little car that looks like a toy --- beetle bug, dune buggy, Japanese compact --- a child-car that hasn't fully grown up yet. She'll have pet names for it. She'll apologise to it for taking it over rough terrain and try to coax it along with soothing words.
Leo: a convertible, of course, so that everyone can see how wonderful they look driving it and be able to recognise him/her.
Virgo: a safe car. No tinted glass, good visibility on all sides, able to withstand winters without rusting. Big enough to survive an accident.
Libra: whatever her/his mate thinks the Libra should drive.
Scorpio: whatever the opposite sex will think the Scorpio looks good driving or might want to get into. Tinted windows are in!: more can happen in the back seat that way!
Sagittarius: any old box that will get from A to B without inflicting too many casualties.
Capricorn: some big luxury car that says Cappy has arrived in life.
Aquarius: the car with an environmental and social conscience!
Pisces: "You mean I have to learn to drive? What for?"
Aries: Aries will be the first on the block to get the latest and greatest new model car to show off to all the neighbours. Also the first to put it up a tree while waving at the neighbours and shouting "Look at me!"
Taurus: the newest version of whatever car they're trading in. No sense in going out on a limb to buy something unfamiliar now is there?
Gemini: two cars, of course: the family car will be any old thing to take the wife/hubby and kids out in on weekends; the other car will belong to Gemini only and be loaded with extra features to give it class --- racing stripes, rad whhheeells, cellular phone, auto windows, auto door locks, auto attenna, CD player and stereo speakers, sun roof ....
Cancer: some cute little car that looks like a toy --- beetle bug, dune buggy, Japanese compact --- a child-car that hasn't fully grown up yet. She'll have pet names for it. She'll apologise to it for taking it over rough terrain and try to coax it along with soothing words.
Leo: a convertible, of course, so that everyone can see how wonderful they look driving it and be able to recognise him/her.
Virgo: a safe car. No tinted glass, good visibility on all sides, able to withstand winters without rusting. Big enough to survive an accident.
Libra: whatever her/his mate thinks the Libra should drive.
Scorpio: whatever the opposite sex will think the Scorpio looks good driving or might want to get into. Tinted windows are in!: more can happen in the back seat that way!
Sagittarius: any old box that will get from A to B without inflicting too many casualties.
Capricorn: some big luxury car that says Cappy has arrived in life.
Aquarius: the car with an environmental and social conscience!
Pisces: "You mean I have to learn to drive? What for?"
Computer Chicken Jokes
Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.
Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...
Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
COBOL Chicken :
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.
Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...
Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
COBOL Chicken :
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
🙂
The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
🙂
ROFL
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
(besides to get to the other side!)
Some Celebrity Answers:
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?
Colonel Sanders : I missed one?
Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?
Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(besides to get to the other side!)
Some Celebrity Answers:
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?
Colonel Sanders : I missed one?
Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?
Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
There is no such thing as a moral book or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all.
-quote unquote Oscar Wilde.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
- Woody Allen
-quote unquote Oscar Wilde.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
- Woody Allen
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Definition of Bravery:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bravery is arriving home late after
a boys night out, being confronted
by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bravery is arriving home late after
a boys night out, being confronted
by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?
From Text Messages...Some Thoughts...
Be slow in choosing a friend...Slower in loosing them...B'coz friendship is not an opportunity..But it is a sweet responsibility!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"When You Are Up, Your Friends Know who You Are. And When You Are Down,You Know Who Your Friends Are."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Coincidence decides whom you meet in life, your heart decides with whom you want stay in life, but it is only your destiny that can decide who gets to stay in your life"!
Be slow in choosing a friend...Slower in loosing them...B'coz friendship is not an opportunity..But it is a sweet responsibility!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"When You Are Up, Your Friends Know who You Are. And When You Are Down,You Know Who Your Friends Are."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Coincidence decides whom you meet in life, your heart decides with whom you want stay in life, but it is only your destiny that can decide who gets to stay in your life"!
STD LOL
More Light Bulb Jokes (Hilarious)
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2) "Hey man, I just do sound."
3)One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2) "Hey man, I just do sound."
3)One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
The Phone Call
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool— .....Is this 555-7039??"
((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool— .....Is this 555-7039??"
Who's on First?
(A CUSTOMER steps up to a video-store counter with a stack of videos.)
CASHIER: Hi. Did you find everything you wanted?
CUSTOMER: (Handing over membership card.) Yes, thanks. (Pause.) When is this one due back?
CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, when's it due back?
CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: Yes. The Day After Tomorrow.
CASHIER: Right.
CUSTOMER: Right. When's it due back?
CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: I mean the movie. The Day After Tomorrow. When is it due?
CASHIER: Oh! I get it. That's funny. You thought I meant?ight, OK. It's due the day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow?
CASHIER: Exactly.
CUSTOMER: And Before Sunset?
CASHIER: Anytime before 10.
CUSTOMER: Is it the same as The Day After Tomorrow?
CASHIER: We close the same time every day. Ten o'clock.
CUSTOMER: But what day is the video due?
CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow?
CUSTOMER: Why are you asking me?
CASHIER: The Day After Tomorrow is due the day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: I know, but what about Before Sunset?
CASHIER: Anytime before closing.
CUSTOMER: But what day?
CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: Before Sunset?
CASHIER: You can bring it then if you want to, but we're open till 10.
CUSTOMER: The movie! Before Sunset. When is Before Sunset due?
CASHIER: Oh! We did it again, didn't we? Isn't that just like that ... what's that sketch called? Anyway. Sorry. Before Sunset is due the day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that the same for the others?
CASHIER: You're not renting The Others.
CUSTOMER: Why not?
CASHIER: I don't know. You can if you want to.
CUSTOMER: Well, I would like to rent the others, please.
CASHIER: I'll check the computer.
CUSTOMER: For what?
CASHIER: The Others.
CUSTOMER: What's in front of you?
CASHIER: (Looking through stack.) Well, we have The Day After Tomorrow and Before Sunset. Then Seven, After Hours, 48 Hours, Ten, and Before Sunrise. Hey, that's funny, "before sunrise" -- could have gotten confused about that too, huh?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. Could you ring them up, please?
CASHIER: So you don't want The Others?
CUSTOMER: I want all of them.
CASHIER: But not The Others?
CUSTOMER: I want everything sitting right there in front of you.
CASHIER: OK, I'll ring them up. (Pause.) I'm sorry, but your account limits you to six rentals.
CUSTOMER: Oh, OK, I won't rent Ten.
CASHIER: Excuse me?
CUSTOMER: Get rid of Ten.
CASHIER: You have seven here.
CUSTOMER: I still want to rent Seven.
CASHIER: You're not allowed to.
CUSTOMER: Why can't I rent Seven?
CASHIER: Because it's over the limit.
CUSTOMER: Right, but I want Seven. Get rid of Ten.
CASHIER: (Pause.) That would leave negative three.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me?
CASHIER: You know what? We'll just let it slide this time.
CUSTOMER: Thank you. (Pause.) Is that one due back the day after tomorrow, too?
CASHIER: Yes, you have 48 hours.
CUSTOMER: But is it due with the others?
CASHIER: You don't have The Others.
CUSTOMER: What did you just ring up?
CASHIER: You want me to read these to you again?
CUSTOMER: No, just tell me when they're due.
CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: But what about the others?
CASHIER: You don't have The Others.
CUSTOMER: Is 48 Hours due the day after tomorrow?
Dr. Phil group therapy session
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions, he observed.
To the first mother he said, ?your obsessed with eating. You?ve even named your daughter Candy.?
He turned to the second mom. ?Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny.?
He turns to the third mom. ?Your obsession is with alcohol. This too, manifests itself in your childs name, Brandy
At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, ? Come on Dick we?re leaving.?
Using The Word - Fu-ck.... (meaning - To Strike)..!!
In regards to flexible use of language, fu-ck is probably the most versatile word in the whole English language.
It can be used in many different ways.
* Noun: I don?t give a fu-ck.
* Adjective: Jennifer is organizing the fu-cking event.
* Verb: Don?t fu-ck it up.
* Transitive verb: Paul fu-cked Jennifer.
* Intransitive verb: Jennifer fu-cks.
* Part of an adverb: Jennifer organizes too fu-cking much.
* Adverb enhancing an adjective: Jennifer is fu-cking amazing.
* Part of a word: Fanfuckingtastic! Absofu-ckinglutely infu-ckingcredible!
It can even be used as almost every word in a sentence, (although that's not advised).
i.e. Fu-ck it, fu-cking fu-ckups, fu-ck the fu-cking fu-ckers.
Here are some examples of how the word fuck can be used.
* Aggression: Don?t fu-ck with me.
* Amazement: Infu-ckingcredible!
* Assurance: Absofu-ckinglutely.
* Difficulty: I'm having a fu-ck of a time with this.
* Disagreement: Fu-ck you!
* Dismay: Fu-ck it.
* Dismissal: Fu-ck off.
* Fraud: I got fu-cked on that deal.
* Incompetence: What a fu-ckup.
* Inquiry: What the fu-ck?
* Pleasure: Fanfu-ckingtastic!
* Satisfaction: Fu-cking "A" man!
* Trouble: Now I'm fu-cked.
When you realize the versatility of this fantastic word, say it with pride. It will immediately reveal the quality of your character and the flexibility of your language skills. 😉
Moderate this fu-cker.!
In regards to flexible use of language, fu-ck is probably the most versatile word in the whole English language.
It can be used in many different ways.
* Noun: I don?t give a fu-ck.
* Adjective: Jennifer is organizing the fu-cking event.
* Verb: Don?t fu-ck it up.
* Transitive verb: Paul fu-cked Jennifer.
* Intransitive verb: Jennifer fu-cks.
* Part of an adverb: Jennifer organizes too fu-cking much.
* Adverb enhancing an adjective: Jennifer is fu-cking amazing.
* Part of a word: Fanfuckingtastic! Absofu-ckinglutely infu-ckingcredible!
It can even be used as almost every word in a sentence, (although that's not advised).
i.e. Fu-ck it, fu-cking fu-ckups, fu-ck the fu-cking fu-ckers.
Here are some examples of how the word fuck can be used.
* Aggression: Don?t fu-ck with me.
* Amazement: Infu-ckingcredible!
* Assurance: Absofu-ckinglutely.
* Difficulty: I'm having a fu-ck of a time with this.
* Disagreement: Fu-ck you!
* Dismay: Fu-ck it.
* Dismissal: Fu-ck off.
* Fraud: I got fu-cked on that deal.
* Incompetence: What a fu-ckup.
* Inquiry: What the fu-ck?
* Pleasure: Fanfu-ckingtastic!
* Satisfaction: Fu-cking "A" man!
* Trouble: Now I'm fu-cked.
When you realize the versatility of this fantastic word, say it with pride. It will immediately reveal the quality of your character and the flexibility of your language skills. 😉
Moderate this fu-cker.!
🙂
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats
realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats
realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,
secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
A plane takes off from the airport and chief pilot makes announcement to the all passengers.
"Ladies and gentelmens, this is Chief Captain speaking. Our plane is currently coursing at 10.000 meters abouve ground and our journey will take 4 hours to destination point. Have a nice day"
After an annoucement, Chief Pilot forgot to turn off announcement phone and everything inside pilot cabine is now heard to everyone. Chief Pilot yawn in his chair and says:
"Ohh...What a nice day. First I will have my piss, then I'm gonna load that hostess!"
Passengers were heard everything.....So do hostess herself.
In a moment after hostess starts to run toward pilot cabine to prevent misunderstanding ....Unfortunately, her leg stucks while she is running and she fells on the floor. Annoyed passenger yells:
"Not that fast Damn it! He's going to have a piss first!"
"Ladies and gentelmens, this is Chief Captain speaking. Our plane is currently coursing at 10.000 meters abouve ground and our journey will take 4 hours to destination point. Have a nice day"
After an annoucement, Chief Pilot forgot to turn off announcement phone and everything inside pilot cabine is now heard to everyone. Chief Pilot yawn in his chair and says:
"Ohh...What a nice day. First I will have my piss, then I'm gonna load that hostess!"
Passengers were heard everything.....So do hostess herself.
In a moment after hostess starts to run toward pilot cabine to prevent misunderstanding ....Unfortunately, her leg stucks while she is running and she fells on the floor. Annoyed passenger yells:
"Not that fast Damn it! He's going to have a piss first!"
LMAO, ROFL
According to a new study, men who have frequent orgasms, like at least once a day, may be protecting themselves from prostate trouble.
Doctors say this is true whether they use a partner or not.
So, men, your health is in your hands.
Doctors say this is true whether they use a partner or not.
So, men, your health is in your hands.
Life is all about Ass
You're either covering it.
Laughing it off.
Kicking it.
Kissing it.
Busting it.
Trying to get a piece of it.
Or, behaving like one.
You're either covering it.
Laughing it off.
Kicking it.
Kissing it.
Busting it.
Trying to get a piece of it.
Or, behaving like one.
QBone,
Despite whatever words we may have had in the past...
"Life is all about ASS" is funny as hell! and SO TRUE (LMAO)
Cancerlady
Despite whatever words we may have had in the past...
"Life is all about ASS" is funny as hell! and SO TRUE (LMAO)
Cancerlady
Beatbox Effex....!
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1519&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1514&DISPLAYORDER=20040805131346&CAT=movies&NSFW=0&page=10
This is what I call a great talent...!
NB!
Need Quick time 6 to see it
enjoy
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1519&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1514&DISPLAYORDER=20040805131346&CAT=movies&NSFW=0&page=10
This is what I call a great talent...!
NB!
Need Quick time 6 to see it
enjoy
Hey Q like I say there is much more to you than those sometimes mean mean attacks. I will steal a line form Alana's old post and say....
Keep Qboning like only you can do.
Keep Qboning like only you can do.
There was a man who wanted to become a great writer in later of his life.
When people asked him about what does being a "great writer" mean to him, he answeared: "To be a great writer means that when you write something, people start to get super emotional, start to cry, moan, scream, bawl etc where people lifes start to change".
This man is now working for Microsoft Corporation, and writes error messages.
When people asked him about what does being a "great writer" mean to him, he answeared: "To be a great writer means that when you write something, people start to get super emotional, start to cry, moan, scream, bawl etc where people lifes start to change".
This man is now working for Microsoft Corporation, and writes error messages.
>--which tree your birthday fall under?
>
>December 23 to January 1 —.. Apple Tree
>January 2 to January 11 —?.. Fir Tree
>January 12 to January 24 —? Elm Tree
>January 25 to February 3 —?. Cypress Tree
>February 4 to February 8 —?. Poplar Tree
>February 9 to February 18 —? Cedar Tree
>February 19 to February 28 —. Pine Tree
>March 1 to March 10 —??.. Weeping Willow Tree
>March 11 to March 20 —?? Lime Tree
>March 21 ——— Oak Tree
>March 22 to March 31 —?.. Hazelnut Tree
>April 1 to April 10 ——? Rowan Tree
>April 11 to April 20 ——.. Maple Tree
>April 21 to April 30 ——.. Walnut Tree
>May 1 to May 14 ——?? Poplar Tree
>May 15 to May 24 ——?.. Chestnut Tree
>May 25 to June 3 ——?? Ash Tree
>June 4 to June 13 ——?. Hornbeam Tree
>June 14 to June 23 ——? Fig Tree
>June 24 ———?.. Birch Tree
>June 25 to July 4 ——?.. Apple Tree
>July 5 to July 14 ——?. Fir Tree
>July 15 to July 25 ——?. Elm Tree
>July 26 to August 4 ——.. Cypress Tree
>August 5 to August 13 —— Poplar Tree
>August 14 to August 23 —??. Cedar Tree
>August 24 to September 2 —? Pine Tree
>September 3 to September 12 ?.. Weeping Willow Tree
>September 13 to September 22 ? Lime Tree
>September 23 ——??.. Olive Tree
>September 24 to October 3 —. Hazelnut Tree
>October 4 to October 13 —?? Rowan Tree
>October 14 to October 23 —?. Maple Tree
>October 24 to November 11 —. Walnut Tree
>November 12 to November 21 ?? Chestnut Tree
>November 22 to December 1 ??.. Ash Tree
>December 2 to December 11 ??.. Hornbeam Tree
>December 12 to December 21 ?? Fig Tree
>December 22 ———.. Beech Tree
APPLE TREE, the Love Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.
FIR TREE, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated
Airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented,
Industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
ELM TREE, the noble-mindedness Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
CYPRESS TREE, the Faithfulness Strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.
>POPLAR TREE, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-confident
behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic
nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership serious.
CEDAR, the Confidence Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes
luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till i
>
>December 23 to January 1 —.. Apple Tree
>January 2 to January 11 —?.. Fir Tree
>January 12 to January 24 —? Elm Tree
>January 25 to February 3 —?. Cypress Tree
>February 4 to February 8 —?. Poplar Tree
>February 9 to February 18 —? Cedar Tree
>February 19 to February 28 —. Pine Tree
>March 1 to March 10 —??.. Weeping Willow Tree
>March 11 to March 20 —?? Lime Tree
>March 21 ——— Oak Tree
>March 22 to March 31 —?.. Hazelnut Tree
>April 1 to April 10 ——? Rowan Tree
>April 11 to April 20 ——.. Maple Tree
>April 21 to April 30 ——.. Walnut Tree
>May 1 to May 14 ——?? Poplar Tree
>May 15 to May 24 ——?.. Chestnut Tree
>May 25 to June 3 ——?? Ash Tree
>June 4 to June 13 ——?. Hornbeam Tree
>June 14 to June 23 ——? Fig Tree
>June 24 ———?.. Birch Tree
>June 25 to July 4 ——?.. Apple Tree
>July 5 to July 14 ——?. Fir Tree
>July 15 to July 25 ——?. Elm Tree
>July 26 to August 4 ——.. Cypress Tree
>August 5 to August 13 —— Poplar Tree
>August 14 to August 23 —??. Cedar Tree
>August 24 to September 2 —? Pine Tree
>September 3 to September 12 ?.. Weeping Willow Tree
>September 13 to September 22 ? Lime Tree
>September 23 ——??.. Olive Tree
>September 24 to October 3 —. Hazelnut Tree
>October 4 to October 13 —?? Rowan Tree
>October 14 to October 23 —?. Maple Tree
>October 24 to November 11 —. Walnut Tree
>November 12 to November 21 ?? Chestnut Tree
>November 22 to December 1 ??.. Ash Tree
>December 2 to December 11 ??.. Hornbeam Tree
>December 12 to December 21 ?? Fig Tree
>December 22 ———.. Beech Tree
APPLE TREE, the Love Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.
FIR TREE, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated
Airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented,
Industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
ELM TREE, the noble-mindedness Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
CYPRESS TREE, the Faithfulness Strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.
>POPLAR TREE, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-confident
behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic
nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership serious.
CEDAR, the Confidence Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes
luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till i
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
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This thread is meant for people to drop in JOkes, Poetry, stories, anecdotes...
loonybird