Jokes/Poetry (Page 2)

This is a GOOOOOOD One!

Keep 'em coming!

Cancerlady

"The Cowboy, Black Man, and the Native American"


THERE WERE THESE THREE MEN, A COWBOY, AN AFRICAN AMERICAN, AND A NATIVE AMERICAN. THEY ALL HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO A CERTAIN CLIFF BY GOD.

THEY ALL MEET, AND GOD APPEARS IN THE SHAPE OF CLOUDS. HE SAYS TO THEM, "STEP FORTH NATIVE AMERICAN," SO HE STEPS UP AND SAYS, "YES FATHER, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DISPLEASE YOU?" GOD SAYS, "YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFETIME, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE." ,


SO THE NATIVE AMERICAN JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF AND SHOUTS," I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE!" ONE SECOND LATER, AN EAGLE GLIDES AWAY INTO THE BLUE HORIZON.

NEXT WAS THE BLACK MAN. GOD SAYS, " YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOU LIFE, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE."


SO THE BLACK GUY JUMPS OFF AND SHOUTS. " I WANT TO BE A BEAR!"

HE LANDS ON THE GROUND AND STARTS GRAZING AWAY AS A BLACK BEAR.

NEXT WAS THE COWBOY. GOD GIVES HIM THE SAME SPEECH ABOUT MURDERING TOO MANY PEOPLE AND HOW HE WILL GIVE HIM ETERNAL LIFE AS ANY ANIMAL HE SHOUTS.

SO THE COWBOY RUNS AND AS SOON AS HE GETS TO THE EDGE AND JUMPS, HE TRIPPED OVE A ROCK AND SHOUTED ," OH SHIT!!!!"

LMAO........LOL

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Love Quotations


What is love without two people in it?
What is a world with out people?
What am I without you?
I love and miss you.


The essential sadness is to go through life without
loving.
But it would be almost equally sad to leave this
world without ever telling those you love.


If you love something set it free.
if it returns it was meant to be.
if it does not then it was never yours to begin
with.


"If a hug represented how much I loved you...!
I would hold you in my arms forever...!!


We do not love people because they are beautiful,
But they seem beautiful to us because we love
them...!


Love cannot be explained...
It can only be experienced...!


I never knew how to worship until I knew how to
love...!!


When you say, "I love you", mean it...!!


Believe in love at first sight...!!


Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
But it's the only way to live life completely...!!


True Love is like ghosts which everyone talks
about...
but few have seen...!!!!


We cant really love anybody,
with whom we never laugh.
Once U can laugh..U can Love...!!


Never Let Love gets the best of you...!
But U should always try to get the...
BEST OF LOVE...!!


If U have the courage to love...!
You have the courage to suffer...!!!


Love is seeing Yourself in someone's eyes
And finding yourself in Somebody's heart...!!!


Love is when you take away
the feeling, the passion, the romance..
and you find out..
you still care for the person...!!

The Lab test

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking" .

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But AXA PPP Healthcare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

" The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the

middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

: ) means a smile and


: ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by


:-)

😢

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass



(___!___) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_} a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around



(_x_) kiss my ass



(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_ $ _) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass

" (_E=mc2_) a smart ass"

ROFL!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.

EH.. Looney.. I posted it moons ago on misc board..
🙂

Great jokes ! I'd love more of the sunsign jokes please...

Hi Q!

This aticle has bene circulating in net fo quiet soetime. I must have received it mor han 7 times I am sure. Thought I wud put it up her efor eternity. Didnt know it is already there. LOL. 😉

~ With fun and frolic may you fill each day full and kitten-like,
be always bright and playful. ~

--------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please and men and d*gs should
relax and get used to the idea.
~Robert A. Heinlein~

--------------------------------

Most people are just like cats in that if you rub them the right way, they will purr. But if you rub them the wrong way, they will bite and scratch.

~William Ross~

--------------------------------

"It's too dangerous a journey to risk the cat's life."
~Charles A. Lindbergh, explaining why his kitten, Patsy,
wouldn't accompany him on his historic 1927 TransAtlantic flight~

--------------------------------

"Don't pass on a confidence without purr-mission."

~~What My Cat Has Taught Me About Life~~
~By Niki Anderson~

--------------------------------

"A recent census taken among cats shows that approximately 100% are neurotic.
That estimate is probably on the low side."
~Stephen Baker~

--------------------------------

http://lovecats4x.tripod.com/

Here's one of my favorite jokes:

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change the light bulb, the other to hold the penis....I mean, ladder!

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand.

Your foot will change direction!!! No matter how hard you try...... unless you are left handed.
🙂

PAY BACK

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," she announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of her hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

Restroom Signs

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
[Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE]

Beauty is only a light switch away.
[Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC]

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
[Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC]

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
[Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia]

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
[The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO]

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
[Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC]

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
[Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ]

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
[on the back of a bus,Wickenburg, AZ]

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
[Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT]

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
[Revolution Books New York, New York.]

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
[Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC]

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
[Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ]

You're too good for him.
[Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.]

No wonder you always go home alone.
[Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, 0ne by one "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

🙂

LOL - love it! Thanks Q 🙂

London Speak

1. Excuse me sir
Oy yoooo kaaaant

2. Could you direct me to the town centre please?
Weeza faakin taaahn?

3. Oh my gosh, what is that over there?
Wu faakssat?

4. My boy/girlfriend has got a flash expensive car!
Me luvaz got un x r free I innit!

5. I don't like you much/you are probably my best friend!
Yu faakin kaaaant!

6. Can I please have one of of your cigarettes, as I've run out?
Gissaa faaaag?!

7. And the point you are trying to make is?
An' wot?

8. The cost of that is one pound!
Paand, maate!!!

9. Come over here and sit quietly, sweet child!
Oy, Kylee-Billee-Jo-Anisha-Bob, git ova ear an sidan yu leeeal kaant, afor I faakin slapyas!

The Bamboo and Fern Story

One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my
spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer
surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.

* "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of
them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the
earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the
bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern
grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo
seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo." He said.
*
** *"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would
not quit. **
** In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not
quit." He said. **
** "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to
the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later
the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing
roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I
would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
***
* ** He said to me. **
** "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you
have actually been growing roots?" **
** "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you." **
** "Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different
purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
*
*"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high" *
* "How high should I rise?" I asked. *
* "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return. *
* "As high as it can?" I questioned *
* "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." *
* I left the forest and bring back this story. I hope these words can help
you see that God will never give up on you. *
*HE will never give up on you! *
* Stay Blessed. *
**

One sunny afternoon on a farm there are three bulls ? an elder, a middle-aged, and a young bull ? stubbornly talking to each other about a new bull that?s moving-in on their farm.

"I've been here on this farm for more than 50 years now. And I earned my rights to have 50 cows during the years. I'm not sharing one of my cows with that new bull coming-in." grumbled the elder bull.

"Well, I've been here for 30 years and I earned my rights to own 30 cows and I don't desire to give any of my cows to that new bull either." growled the middle-aged bull.

"Well, I?ve only been here for 10 years and I know I earned my 10 cows as much as you guys did. I will not give even a single one of my cows." says the young bull.

Suddenly, a huge steel-container truck came by. Inside is the new bull they have been discussing. It's the biggest, scariest, son-of-another-bull they've ever seen in their entire life. Every step it takes shakes the whole ground as it came snorting towards them.

"Well, you know, I have been here for quite some time now. I guess it doesn't hurt to give some of my cows to our new guy." I?m getting too old too keep them all happy anyway. exclaimed the elder bull in a shaky voice.

" and I'm a friendly bull, perhaps I can give some of my cows to our new guy for a welcome present." Said the middle-aged bull.

But The young bull was shaking his horns, puffing, looking as if he was ready for some deadly fight.

The elder bull looked concerned and said, "My son, let me give you some good advice, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The young bull replies "Heck, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows that I'm a bull

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."



Man: "OK, how much?"

$ 250"



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together again.



Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: " $ 750"

Man: "Sold."






A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"Boy: " $ 1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. It's almost like stealing.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."





The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now!