Aquarius fixed impossibility (therapy edition)

So, I have an Aqua BFF who for various valid reasons generally has a hard time meeting me halfway when it comes to hanging out, plans, time and resources. She has shut-in tendencies but is an extrovert so it makes it 10X harder for her to truly feel socially fulfilled and half the time, that burden ends up falling on me (to be one of the few soci as l outlets). I suspect she may also have a Cancer streak so the neediness can be a lil extra if not, just generally...A LOT.

My question is, whenever we hang it, it almost always ends up being on HER terms. I am going over to her place to spend time inside with her, usually watching what she wants (or rather doing what she wants, which is watching something on tv) and when I invite her to places, I cave in and let her bail out due to the fact that i understand the anxiety she goes through. I can't recall the last time we went out that I didn't take care of the details like providing a ride, basically I do 100% of the driving thus far. The thing that really bothers me is, her being Aqua, I don't see how she can't see why this isn't fair or its justified to not meet me halfway in the friendship. Also being an Aqua w/ Cancer tendencies, I don't see how I can successfully bring to light any issues i have if she's convinced she's doing nothing wrong or ends up deflecting, projecting and basically having me end up feeling bad for even bringing it up and the conversation fails flat, ends up nowhere or it stirs up more frustration. So, communicating, I cannot. I really want to help her, but her own stubbornness is getting in the way along with her fears and terms of conditions. Any thoughts on this situation?

Its really hard to help her help herself which would help me, but I can only do so much doing things her way...

Posted by RollergirlOrc

My question is, whenever we hang it, it almost always ends up being on HER terms. I am going over to her place to spend time inside with her, usually watching what she wants (or rather doing what she wants, which is watching something on tv) and when I invite her to places, I cave in and let her bail out due to the fact that i understand the anxiety she goes through.

I have a cap buddy too, one of the two closest friends.

We went through the same, he threatened to cut off friendship because we always did what i said and he felt pushd aside because of it.

You need to put your foot down else aqua thinks youre her possession and will run over you.

Do it with a lot of affirmation of friendship but be adamant that this cannot go on any more because it doesnt make you feel appreciated.

Stop allowing her to feel entitled and SPEAK UP! Why does she think that everything had to go her way? Why do you choose to continue caving in? Just stop. Use your backbone.

Posted by Mr_Pinchy

Posted by RollergirlOrc

My question is, whenever we hang it, it almost always ends up being on HER terms. I am going over to her place to spend time inside with her, usually watching what she wants (or rather doing what she wants, which is watching something on tv) and when I invite her to places, I cave in and let her bail out due to the fact that i understand the anxiety she goes through.

I have a cap buddy too, one of the two closest friends.

We went through the same, he threatened to cut off friendship because we always did what i said and he felt pushd aside because of it.

You need to put your foot down else aqua thinks youre her possession and will run over you.

Do it with a lot of affirmation of friendship but be adamant that this cannot go on any more because it doesnt make you feel appreciated.

click to expand

Definitely. Any stink I bring up has the potential for her to use against me to say I'm being a "bad friend" or worse yet, I'm calling her a bad friend. There's always this "who's being a bad friend competition" and I dislike that as I'm not that petty. Not a bad if I can air my grievances in all fairness. But thank you .

Posted by Epiphanes

Sounds like it might be more of a problem that you feel like you have to do those things and that this gives you a feeling of being pressured into something you do not really enjoy. As a general rule of thumb you should only do what you enjoy personally as it would also make you a more enjoyable company. When you don't feel like doing it you shouldn't be doing it and just tell her so.

I know, she takes it so personally though and goes on the defense. My other friend who acted as a sounding board once said "the best defense is a good offense" and that's what it resorts to sometimes. I just have to be honest as she does demand honestly even it's not a very inviting place to be honest. Is that her Cancer streak speaking? Could be.

Well thanks for all the validation guys, glad to know I'm not the only one who's been dealt this my way or the highway attitude. She's usually so chill in all other aspects, except for when she has an idea of how things should be, as if Aqua won't budge, or more or less gets her way. Le sigh. I'm a quiet Cap and heavy handed so I definitely want to be firm but not militant.