Guess I hurt her feelings...

I had a surprise birthday party tonight, and my mother brought my gift to the restaurant and wanted me to open it in front of everyone.

I have extremely bad anxiety, which my family seems to ignore, so I was against people being at the restaurant, and against me opening the gift there.

So her and my sister both ignored all of my wishes, and although the party hosted by my sister was nice, and I managed to not have a panic attack despite the entire restaurant singing happy birthday, when it came to opening my gift my mother was not pleased with my reaction.

After pushing me to open it, I did, which she then proceeds to tell everyone I'm opening my gift...so now I'm nervous because all eyes are on me. I get it out the bag and its an expensive Michael Kors handbag, with the price tag still on it, which I get slightly upset and embarrased at how much she spent on the bag, but I smile and say that its pretty, which it is. Then I say I will wear it on special occasions because I work in a dusty place, and she fusses and gets mad saying that she didn't buy it for me not to wear everyday. Not only do I work in a dusty place and do physical work, I also occasionally ride public transportation. I'm not walking down the street wearing an expensive Michael Khors bag, so after we go back and forth at the table about it, she kind of stops talking to me to the rest of the night. Then when we get in the car she starts saying how it was a big mistake and bad idea that she bought it, and how she now wants to take everybody's Christmas presents back.

I just don't understand why things have to be difficult and why I'm so misunderstood. I'm not flashy, or showy and don't really like expensive gifts like that. I mean, its a bag that I really can't use anytime soon because I don't go anywhere for one, and I'm not quick to switch purses. Its like she bought a bag she wanted and is mad that I didn't react how she would have. Now I have to figure out a way to get her out of her feelings.

Anyway, just had to vent. I have to hope she's in a better mood tomorrow.

The Cap and the Aqua smh

I'm trying not to feel bad but I did send a pic to her of me wearing the bag to try to make her feel better.

Its like why do I have to do this?? This day was suppose to be about me lol

Posted by yupvirgoo
@Inana04

She sounds selfish, controlling and desperate to impress other people.

Who cares about her feelings?

She certainly doesn't care about yours.

That's my mom, I care about her feelings.

But she does keep me on edge. Like, I don't make the money she does, so her expensive gifts are intimidating because I know she's expecting the same for one.

The things she got my sister was super expensive, so my sister is a bit nervous too.

Another thing is, she bought gifts for the entire family and we are all going to her place to open the gifts. Its like I gotta hope everyone has the right reaction. She spent a ton of money on my niece too. Goodness, don't let my niece like my gift better. My niece is like me. Expensive things are not her.

Posted by yupvirgoo

Posted by lnana04

Posted by yupvirgoo
@Inana04

She sounds selfish, controlling and desperate to impress other people.

Who cares about her feelings?

She certainly doesn't care about yours.

That's my mom, I care about her feelings.

But she does keep me on edge. Like, I don't make the money she does, so her expensive gifts are intimidating because I know she's expecting the same for one.

The things she got my sister was super expensive, so my sister is a bit nervous too.

Another thing is, she bought gifts for the entire family and we are all going to her place to open the gifts. Its like I gotta hope everyone has the right reaction. She spent a ton of money on my niece too. Goodness, don't let my niece like my gift better. My niece is like me. Expensive things are not her.

What's her sign?

My mom is an Aqua... is she also one?

Oh gosh... the fact that you get nervous about receiving gifts is just freakin' wrong. You shouldn't feel obligated yet you are. She needs to be put in place even if she is your mother. If you start giving her gifts she needs instead of what would impress other people, then maybe she'd learn not to "impose" her gifts on you for that is how she comes off to me.

She "imposes" gifts and expects them to be returned to her with the same "value."

Fck that ain't much of a gift.

click to expand

Yeah, she's an Aqua.

I don't have the money since I have bills and will be out of work for two weeks, so I have no choice but to get her something useful and inexpensive but there's a high possibility she may not like it.

I'll hear about her true feelings if she gets upset or if she has a couple of drinks..



BTW, my mom is a sweetie. She really is. Its just the emotional manipulation that wears on me and becomes extremely draining sometimes.

Posted by yupvirgoo
I have learned that the most effective way to break away from controlling family members is to disregard everything they have to say that stifles your growth and just do whatever the fck you want and think is best for YOU.

This is YOUR life.

Do not let other people take control of it.

I'm going to try that in the new year. I'm very grown in age, but still feel that I haven't broken away from her. My sister has, and shes younger than me, but I have not. Its crazy, but Im going to try and change that in the new year.

Posted by cvurko
Seems to me that she was projecting some of her insecurities to you. I suggest you dont take it personal.



I'd personally say the stuff she wants to hear in order to make her feel comfortable and then do whatever i want, cuz in the end she is my mother. In my case i know i cant reprogram her or help her overcome her insecuruties by bluntly telling her something that will hurt her.

But that applies to my particular situation that, from my perspective, seems similar to yours (thats why im sharing my opinion on it). It is possible that the situations are totally different though. + My strategy may not be the best one even if they are similar 😄

Insecurities about what?

My sister kind of handles her in a similar way, just kind of tell her what she wants to hear and do what she wants. My mother will just say she full of you know what lol.

Im much more vocal, yet more emotionally manipulated it seems.

Posted by yupvirgoo

Posted by lnana04

Posted by yupvirgoo
I have learned that the most effective way to break away from controlling family members is to disregard everything they have to say that stifles your growth and just do whatever the fck you want and think is best for YOU.

This is YOUR life.

Do not let other people take control of it.

I'm going to try that in the new year. I'm very grown in age, but still feel that I haven't broken away from her. My sister has, and shes younger than me, but I have not. Its crazy, but Im going to try and change that in the new year.

I'm Asian and so I understand family ties and how almost unbreakable they are.

I was just like you a long time ago, the eldest and the most who always bowed to my elders wishes no matter how ridiculous and pretentious they were. But time would teach you that there are a collection of miseries set out for you when you continue to let other people take over your life.

You will regret your complacency in this matter.

And I do hope that you break away after the New Year.

click to expand

Yeah, I hope I do too.

My mom had me when she was a senior in high school, and my grandmother passed when my mom was 21, so her, my sister and I kind of grew up together, with me being the wise one. We are still dependent on each other in a way, but I really have to break away.

"It may be that she doesn't feel loved and appreciated by her children or in general."

This is it.

I'm a Cap, my sister is a Virgo, and I think we are oftentimes too cold for her, or don't appear to extend ourselves in ways she feel she extends herself for us. When I say she's a sweetie, she really is and will exhaust herself and her resources if we are in need. Being more preserving earth signs, we are not like that. We give/do what we can but we make sure we are okay too most times. I just think she feels we, or really no one, really does for her what she does for them.

Thats most likely the issue. I think it's kind of why I'm somewhat still so attached to her too. It's like I can't do what she does, or how she does it, but I can be there. *sigh*

I think my sis and I should get together and find her someone to date. I think that will help a lot.

Posted by yupvirgoo

Posted by lnana04

Posted by yupvirgoo

Posted by lnana04

Posted by yupvirgoo
I have learned that the most effective way to break away from controlling family members is to disregard everything they have to say that stifles your growth and just do whatever the fck you want and think is best for YOU.

This is YOUR life.

Do not let other people take control of it.

I'm going to try that in the new year. I'm very grown in age, but still feel that I haven't broken away from her. My sister has, and shes younger than me, but I have not. Its crazy, but Im going to try and change that in the new year.

I'm Asian and so I understand family ties and how almost unbreakable they are.

I was just like you a long time ago, the eldest and the most who always bowed to my elders wishes no matter how ridiculous and pretentious they were. But time would teach you that there are a collection of miseries set out for you when you continue to let other people take over your life.

You will regret your complacency in this matter.

And I do hope that you break away after the New Year.

Yeah, I hope I do too.

My mom had me when she was a senior in high school, and my grandmother passed when my mom was 21, so her, my sister and I kind of grew up together, with me being the wise one. We are still dependent on each other in a way, but I really have to break away.

My mom had me when she was a sophomore in college. She felt robbed of her youth and had spent most of my childhood partying and ignoring me. My brothers and I were raised by nannies but I've always played nice with my elders until I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just really had to break away.

Find a way to support yourself financially and get out of there.

Family will always be forced to accept us and our choices anyway if they truly loved us.

click to expand

Your mom is an Aqua?

It was rough growing up. My ma was in the club's a lot and I felt neglected emotionally, then I had to be the one to tell her what was right/wrong, or tell her that this guy or that guy was no good. I was basically the parent lol.

Posted by Scuffles

Posted by lnana04
I had a surprise birthday party tonight, and my mother brought my gift to the restaurant and wanted me to open it in front of everyone.

I have extremely bad anxiety, which my family seems to ignore, so I was against people being at the restaurant, and against me opening the gift there.

So her and my sister both ignored all of my wishes, and although the party hosted by my sister was nice, and I managed to not have a panic attack despite the entire restaurant singing happy birthday, when it came to opening my gift my mother was not pleased with my reaction.

After pushing me to open it, I did, which she then proceeds to tell everyone I'm opening my gift...so now I'm nervous because all eyes are on me. I get it out the bag and its an expensive Michael Kors handbag, with the price tag still on it, which I get slightly upset and embarrased at how much she spent on the bag, but I smile and say that its pretty, which it is. Then I say I will wear it on special occasions because I work in a dusty place, and she fusses and gets mad saying that she didn't buy it for me not to wear everyday. Not only do I work in a dusty place and do physical work, I also occasionally ride public transportation. I'm not walking down the street wearing an expensive Michael Khors bag, so after we go back and forth at the table about it, she kind of stops talking to me to the rest of the night. Then when we get in the car she starts saying how it was a big mistake and bad idea that she bought it, and how she now wants to take everybody's Christmas presents back.

I just don't understand why things have to be difficult and why I'm so misunderstood. I'm not flashy, or showy and don't really like expensive gifts like that. I mean, its a bag that I really can't use anytime soon because I don't go anywhere for one, and I'm not quick to switch purses. Its like she bought a bag she wanted and is mad that I didn't react how she would have. Now I have to figure out a way to get her out of her feelings.

Anyway, just had to vent. I have to hope she's in a better mood tomorrow.

The Cap and the Aqua smh

First of all, belated happy birthday...🙂

I feel you OP...I, too, hate crowds and celebrating my own birthday party...

Most people really don't understand how it's like to live with a mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD etc.) since the sickness is not visible to the naked eye and so people assume that it's not a big deal battling the condition itself every day of your life...

As for your mom, just let this pass and when things do cool off, explain to her that she behaved irrationally and by that, she unintentionally hurt you as well with her behavior...I hope you could soon patch things up with your mom...

click to expand

Thank you!

We should be fine tomorrow, hopefully. Her friend is in town so hopefully that will distract her.

And yeah, people don't understand anxiety and mental illness, which is so frustrating. It just makes me feel worse about it all.

Posted by Shadowcat

Posted by lnana04
I had a surprise birthday party tonight, and my mother brought my gift to the restaurant and wanted me to open it in front of everyone.

I have extremely bad anxiety, which my family seems to ignore, so I was against people being at the restaurant, and against me opening the gift there.

So her and my sister both ignored all of my wishes, and although the party hosted by my sister was nice, and I managed to not have a panic attack despite the entire restaurant singing happy birthday, when it came to opening my gift my mother was not pleased with my reaction.

After pushing me to open it, I did, which she then proceeds to tell everyone I'm opening my gift...so now I'm nervous because all eyes are on me. I get it out the bag and its an expensive Michael Kors handbag, with the price tag still on it, which I get slightly upset and embarrased at how much she spent on the bag, but I smile and say that its pretty, which it is. Then I say I will wear it on special occasions because I work in a dusty place, and she fusses and gets mad saying that she didn't buy it for me not to wear everyday. Not only do I work in a dusty place and do physical work, I also occasionally ride public transportation. I'm not walking down the street wearing an expensive Michael Khors bag, so after we go back and forth at the table about it, she kind of stops talking to me to the rest of the night. Then when we get in the car she starts saying how it was a big mistake and bad idea that she bought it, and how she now wants to take everybody's Christmas presents back.

I just don't understand why things have to be difficult and why I'm so misunderstood. I'm not flashy, or showy and don't really like expensive gifts like that. I mean, its a bag that I really can't use anytime soon because I don't go anywhere for one, and I'm not quick to switch purses. Its like she bought a bag she wanted and is mad that I didn't react how she would have. Now I have to figure out a way to get her out of her feelings.

Anyway, just had to vent. I have to hope she's in a better mood tomorrow.

The Cap and the Aqua smh

I'm sorry

click to expand

Aww.

The good thing about Aquas is that whatever doesn't last too long. I felt a bit bad tonight and she was hurt, but tomorrow shell most likely be over it... Hopefully lol.

Posted by lnana04

Posted by yupvirgoo
I have learned that the most effective way to break away from controlling family members is to disregard everything they have to say that stifles your growth and just do whatever the fck you want and think is best for YOU.

This is YOUR life.

Do not let other people take control of it.

I'm going to try that in the new year. I'm very grown in age, but still feel that I haven't broken away from her. My sister has, and shes younger than me, but I have not. Its crazy, but Im going to try and change that in the new year.

click to expand

Awww are you a cap? I'm an aquarius (I think you shared info about her in one of my posts)

my 12 yr old daughter is a Cap. I feel somehow related to your mom, but maybe not in the same sense.

I know my daughter doesn't like the same things I wear sometimes, I'm a bit eccentric, she's not but she likes nice things too. So instead of buying her MK boots, I'd get her other type, more of her liking but I'd still get her boots to wear with the dresses that she likes...just to make sure she's well dressed but she's also getting what she wants to wear. My mom is also an aquarius and she's more like your mom, hahaha she used to buy me things I didn't like and we always collided because I'd just refuse to wear them.

She's the same with my daughter, she wants to buy her pretty dresses and dressy shoes but I keep reminding her that that's not her style !! and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to wear it.



My mom has finally realized but sometimes she goes on about it which is frustrating... I just tell her when we go to the mall if there's something I like for her and she doesn't.. I say, I'm still gonna get it bc is nice and you should wear it, do you like that? No, then don't do to other people.

As an Aqua I love getting presents for the people I care but I choose things I feel they will get excited about and that goes with their personality!