Slap me P-Angel

Need advice from Aries, but I know P-Angel will tell it like it is w/out hesitation.

K...I've been having an emotionally draining month. I'm up, I'm down, I'm lethargic, I'm moody, I'm high on energy, i can't stop crying...ugh! I can't take it anymore. What's worse is that it's effecting my relationship. The other day, the BF admitted that he's been frustrated w/ me, sexually (after I asked him) because I haven't really been in the mood, or in to it. HE says that it's no big deal...he'll just pop in a porn. My problem is that I don't want him to watch porn, I WOULD rather be his porn star :-)

The fact that he says it's no big deal, I believe...but I know how aries men are when it comes to sex, and I know that sex is a pretty big theme in our relationship(though not the main theme, of course). So, after he tells me this, of course I WANT to be in the moood. So I start to take the initiative and try to be the freak he wants, but I'm still not into it. Also, he just thinks I'm being more proactive because of what we talked about and not because I WANT to be. This is where I need help.

This has all started recently. I want things to go back to the way they were. I keep thinking that him and I need to have a serious talk about our own individual tastes in the boudoir. E.g. I'm not as confident of myself in bed as he is...so it takes me a little while to venture into unknown lands...either way, I don't want this to sour things anymore than it already has, thoughts?

In every relationship we begin, we look for signs, telling us that he likes me, or, he watches me, he smiled at me, he's dressing better for me, he looks at me with sensual eyes . . but, do we do the same with these warning signs telling us that a relationship has run it's course and it's time to gracefully depart?

No, we hang on . . until we end up hating each other. That's really sad, because this person is an awesome human being to us, that's why we were attracted to them in the first place. So, wouldn't the logical thing to do . . is leave, while you still hold this person in high regard? What an amazing FRIEND this person would make to you.

It's time, truthseeker . . the writing is on the wall . . can you see it?

You said it a couple times . . "not into it" . . means, you're no longer into him. It happens to all of us, right? Men, not just Aries, measure love physically, right? Just as women measure it emotionally. All of us know this. From his male perspective, not desiring him, is subconsciously telling him . . you don't love him any longer. He cares for you deeply, or he wouldn't be ignoring his aching heart and telling you it's ok. But, for how long?

How long can a woman stay with a man, who no longer cares about her feelings? Think about it from his perspective . . what if he no longer desired you? You put on a sexy outfit to be his "Porn Star" and he just blew you off and said, "I'm not into it"? You'd be devasted, we all would. We NEED to feel desired by our partner. Eventually, he'll stray . . the "blues" will diminish his masculinity.

Quantity of time means nothing . . our lasting memories that puts smiles on our faces, and gives us warm feeling that our life HAS meant something special . . comes from the QUALITY of time shared with another. What memories do you want? Those of fighting, and hatred, which will happen to all of us if we refuse to let go because of our own insecurities . . or, memories of the beautiful time you had with this man?

Who knows, maybe time apart will strengthen both your hearts and make you both realize that together is where you want to be and it's worth respecting each other from another perspective, other than just the physical part of the union.

Thoughts? you ask . . . sometimes when you love someone, you have to set them free BECAUSE you love them. If they come back, it is meant to be . . if not, then the memories you'll take with you are those of fondness and respect.

sending PM, P.

"I need to have a serious talk about our own individual tastes in the boudoir. E.g. I'm not as confident of myself in bed as he is"

An example of individual taste CANNOT be a lack of confidence . . not having self confidence is an insecurity because you feel self-conscious about something . . NOT taste as in "venturing into unkown lands". Two DIFFERENT entities.

So, If I'm picking up on the right vibes here . . the "REAL" problem here is. . .that now he's feeling comfortable with you and not worried that you'll think that he's a freak because of - whatever it is that turns him on - but, in essence . . you do have a problem with his "kink" and now feel the need to set things straight. Twists of a sexual nature must remain checked at the door because if they are allowed in the bedroom, now I feel insecure and it scares me.

truthseeker . . he's a friggin Aries . . of course he's "Open-minded" sexually. Every Aries is driven by thier passion, that's why they are so spontaneous, daring and fearless . . incredible in bed . . if there's something in his head that he's into sexually . . he's likely wanting more than anything, to share it with you, your his lover.

Damn woman, give it to him . . don't be afraid . . an Aries will always take care of you. Protecting someone close to their heart is what they do best.

Thanks, P...I was about to PM you, but was given an assignment at work. Just read your latest post, and THAT'S what it's all about.

When I say that I'm not into it, I mean the act itself...not him. I love this man very much and I know he loves me very much, and I certainly still desire him on many, many levels. OK...regarding your first post...

"In every relationship we begin, we look for signs, telling us that he likes me, or, he watches me, he smiled at me, he's dressing better for me, he looks at me with sensual eyes . . but, do we do the same with these warning signs telling us that a relationship has run it's course and it's time to gracefully depart?"

---That is very true. I am the type of person that will hold on to something...I hate failing at ANYTHING, whether it's school or love. However, I don't feel like I'm trying to hold on to anything regarding my relationship, now. Aries and I have broken up before. I dumped him and he came back, he's dumped me and I've come back. I can't imagine my life w/out him and I don't feel like I'm fighting for anything regarding our relationship.

con in next post...

"How long can a woman stay with a man, who no longer cares about her feelings? Think about it from his perspective . . what if he no longer desired you? You put on a sexy outfit to be his "Porn Star" and he just blew you off and said, "I'm not into it"? You'd be devasted, we all would. We NEED to feel desired by our partner. Eventually, he'll stray . . the "blues" will diminish his masculinity."

---I agree. My concern, therefore, is finding a way to dealing with the situation at hand (which I will expand on in your next post). The last sentence in the above quote is what scares me. I've been in the situation where I felt like I was not desired, or needed by my partner, and therefore I strayed. DON'T want that to happen.

"An example of individual taste CANNOT be a lack of confidence . . not having self confidence is an insecurity because you feel self-conscious about something . . NOT taste as in "venturing into unkown lands". Two DIFFERENT entities."

---Ok...I understand your distinguishment. I can't say that I've been feeling self-conscious about something, and we do have different tastes when it comes to sex. I prefer slow, erotic and passionate...he's more "yeah, a little foreplay...but now for the real deal!" That's why I say I feel like I need to talk w/ him about some of my own tastes and ideas and etc. ANNNNDDD...that's why I say I feel like I lack confidence because I've never the one to initiate things (which sucks...sometimes I will...but I've been this way in every relationship). I'm not good w/ asking for what I want...so I just go along w/ his fantasy's.

con...next post.

"So, If I'm picking up on the right vibes here . . the "REAL" problem here is. . .that now he's feeling comfortable with you and not worried that you'll think that he's a freak because of - whatever it is that turns him on - but, in essence . . you do have a problem with his "kink" and now feel the need to set things straight. Twists of a sexual nature must remain checked at the door because if they are allowed in the bedroom, now I feel insecure and it scares me."

---mmm...Yes and No. The first part is true. But I don't have a problem with his "kink." However, it is new for me. As I mentioned earlier, i'm shy in the bedroom, and not used to being kinky. I am open minded, however, and I'm always up for trying new things. I think the real issue is that my taste is more towards real intimate connection. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. His frustration w/ me also adds to the pressure I feel to step up to the plate...how is that helpful in the bedroom?

"Damn woman, give it to him . . don't be afraid . . an Aries will always take care of you. Protecting someone close to their heart is what they do best."

---ugh...it's a lot easier said than done. But that is what I will do. Thanks, P.

I know what you mean about the "intimacy" part. Fast and furious can certainly leave a woman feeling unnurtured in her feminity. I see now, where you're coming from.

There may not be a solution to the problem, because it's the age old delimna between men and women . . they "need" love differently. I'm faced with this exact same issue with my husband. It's the anticipation of the arousal, sensual stimulation . . not just physically, also, mentally, playfully . . to just "dive" right in, or whatever, doesn't leave a woman to feel desired for the love she gives, rather, just her sexuality.

Men have no clue to this . . there's no difference between her sexuality and the love in her heart. Sucks, doesn't it? Men don't realize how tough we have it. We don't get in return, in the same magnitude that we give.

Two parts to love making, for two different gendered partners.
Sex . . Holding
Male . . Female
We lay our bodies on them . . . rarely do they just hold us close

There is no other way . . we don't FEEL loved, no matter what else is done . . if a man will not nurture us with tender embraces . . we don't feel fully woman.

I feel for you, truthseeker . .

"It's the anticipation of the arousal, sensual stimulation . . not just physically, also, mentally, playfully . . to just "dive" right in, or whatever, doesn't leave a woman to feel desired for the love she gives, rather, just her sexuality."

---YES...YES...YES...I totally could not have said it better myself, P. I always used to consider myself boring in bed. Therefore, I would just go along w/ what my partner wanted. I've NEVER voiced how I would like it, up until Aries...and I'm still not as vocal as I would like to be. I think there is a solution, and that's me being more upfront about what it is I desire in the bedroom. When he tries to speed up, I'll try to slow him down. Maybe I should be more assertive in a gentle way...what do you think? I definitely don't believe all is lost. He's obviously very open in the bedroom, why wouldn't he be open to my fantasy's?

To be honest with you, despite your empathy, I feel better having dropped this off my chest. What you said is so appropriate. Every morning, I wake up next to him, I kiss him and snuggle him and hold him for a few minutes b/4 I get outta bed. I do this wholeheartedly, and he does the same thing to me throughout the night. Every morning, I feel so in love. But then I wake up, shower, and walk outside into life-actually.

I guess I want those few minutes in the morning to be our 2hr story in the bedroom. eh...I don't feel bad, I think there can be a solution...I'll let you know when/if I figure it out...thanks again, P.