"The Talk"

I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

For starters, let's address the elephant in the room.

What is your ex husband doing with HIS ex girlfriend? 4 is a crowd, never heard of that??

Elephant indeed. Small town? You all worked together? Cousins?

...and by "the talk" do you mean how serious you are in the relationship, if you are "going steady" or something else?

God damnit today's relationships are so fucking complicated. Everything was so much simpler in the 90's.

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

You're spending all weekend with him. That means you're having sex, but you don't know where you stand?

You've already lost your leverage.

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk."

It's the man who should initiate the dreaded talk?

You're 3 and 1/2 months into rough sex with this Cancer with no validation.

I don't think the traditional role references are applicable at this moment.

You weren't being courted.

My advice to you...mention this to him.

Some ladies have it confused.

If you're going to be liberated about sex, own it!

Don't incorporate chivalrous expectations into your twisted fantasy....

He really doesn't owe you anything.

Your request for the 'dreaded' talk is rather comical, and self-entitled.

You want the discussion...initiate it!

Posted by RemixGeneralFishy
For starters, let's address the elephant in the room.

What is your ex husband doing with HIS ex girlfriend? 4 is a crowd, never heard of that??

My guy is a bar/restaurant manager. My ex goes to his bar. My ex made friends with his ex and she told my ex about my guy. This was all before I met my guy. Lol. It sounds incestuous.

Posted by Plagued
Lol waiting for a cancer man to do the talk, good luck.

Is that because they are slow to commit, too afraid to be vulnerable or something else?

Posted by GuardianAnu
...and by "the talk" do you mean how serious you are in the relationship, if you are "going steady" or something else?

God damnit today's relationships are so fucking complicated. Everything was so much simpler in the 90's.

I mean where do we see this going? Just fun, long term, exclusive? I totally agree with you. When I met my ex husband I had no questions. I wanted to be with him and that was that. In today's world, it seems being with someone for 3 months could mean anything.

Posted by notsosure
Sure says a lot when the guy decides not to initiate the talk. Whatever the outcome may be, being upfront about your feelings and where you are says a lot about someone.

As for comparison I once dated a cancer man. 3 months in I initiated the talk. When I did he said he had thought about it all too and to talk to me about it, but he didn´t initiate it. And things never worked out between us, he was never truly into me. To me it all correlates; he never initiated the talk, because he wasn´t sure he wanted to be with me, and that is actually the same as not wanting to be with someone. It´s very simple, but he tried to keep it complicated to keep me around, for sex and comfort I suppose, which I am exellent at giving 🙂

I totally agree. That's why I want him to do it. I don't want someone to be with me unless they really want to. His words and actions back up that he likes me a lot. I've met practically everyone he's close to, he cooks for me, tells me that unless I get sick of him we will be going on many more trips together, etc. Maybe it's me. I'm aloof and haven't told him how I feel even a little bit.

Posted by truecap

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

You're spending all weekend with him. That means you're having sex, but you don't know where you stand?

You've already lost your leverage.

click to expand

I don't view sex as leverage. I don't want leverage. I just want to know we're on the same page.

Posted by TaurusBull1977
Some ladies have it confused.

If you're going to be liberated about sex, own it!

Don't incorporate chivalrous expectations into your twisted fantasy....

He really doesn't owe you anything.

Your request for the 'dreaded' talk is rather comical, and self-entitled.

You want the discussion...initiate it!

You're right, he doesn't owe me anything. I find the idea of having a talk ridiculous but it seems to be the question all my friends ask...have you had the talk or why haven't you had the talk? I just don't want to waste my time or feelings on him if we're not on the same page and I've been burned by some players in the past. That's what's making me antsy.

I'm a cancer and I've dated a lot of cancers. Usually we fall in love quickly and it's obvious we are head over heels. The fact that you're questioning him is making me believe it's only about sex. Do you see any other red flags?

You need to bring it up with him. It's the only way you'll know you're on the same page. I'm 50:50 on this situation you describe. In an ideal world the guy would be 100% direct and clear with his intentions. You'd have already established what you were both looking for at the beginning to see if you matched before embarking on a sexual relationship. Then you'd know you were on the same page and could proceed to get to know each other better as you went along. That said, I prompted the exclusivity conversation with my current fella which was helpful because he didn't know he was supposed to have the 'talk' with me. The reason he didn't know was because he had already assumed we were dating exclusively from the start. The reason he assumed this is because HE was choosing to date me exclusively. Initially, I was still dating others. He didn't know this at the time but I knew he was t dating others so I brought it up as I felt ready. My point is he may have assumed you're together and thus not know there's an issue.

Posted by pinkbird03
I'm a cancer and I've dated a lot of cancers. Usually we fall in love quickly and it's obvious we are head over heels. The fact that you're questioning him is making me believe it's only about sex. Do you see any other red flags?

Not that I see. I met his boss and he said he had heard all about me and all good things. He told me he's glad I love him cooking for me because he loves to cook for people he cares for. The other day I said something that sounded like I didn't want to be with him and the look he gave me looked like a puppy who had been hit.

I am very aloof and don't give reassurance to people I date. It's a defense mechanism. He said that unless I get sick of him, we will be taking many more trips together.

I dated a Cancer many, many years ago and it was the same way. I've been told I'm intimidating. He only admitted his feelings for me in letters, never to my face.

Posted by confusedlibra78

Posted by Plagued
Lol waiting for a cancer man to do the talk, good luck.

Is that because they are slow to commit, too afraid to be vulnerable or something else?

click to expand

Don't make this out to be a cancer thing. If a guy wants to make you his it will be loud and clear. Why are you making excuses for him to soothe your ego?

When my sister met her cancer on vacation in Florida he told her she was his future wife. A week later they were living together and bf/gf. He sold all of his possessions and moved to Colorado within a month.

Posted by confusedlibra78

Posted by truecap

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

You're spending all weekend with him. That means you're having sex, but you don't know where you stand?

You've already lost your leverage.

I don't view sex as leverage. I don't want leverage. I just want to know we're on the same page.

click to expand

Then why not initiate the conversation?

You want to be on the same page an yet you expect him to read your mind when it comes to what you want. Does that seem right to you?

Posted by confusedlibra78

Posted by pinkbird03
I'm a cancer and I've dated a lot of cancers. Usually we fall in love quickly and it's obvious we are head over heels. The fact that you're questioning him is making me believe it's only about sex. Do you see any other red flags?

Not that I see. I met his boss and he said he had heard all about me and all good things. He told me he's glad I love him cooking for me because he loves to cook for people he cares for. The other day I said something that sounded like I didn't want to be with him and the look he gave me looked like a puppy who had been hit.

I am very aloof and don't give reassurance to people I date. It's a defense mechanism. He said that unless I get sick of him, we will be taking many more trips together.

I dated a Cancer many, many years ago and it was the same way. I've been told I'm intimidating. He only admitted his feelings for me in letters, never to my face.

click to expand

Hold up! You said:

'I am very aloof and don't give reassurance to people I date. It's a defense mechanism.'

Yet you want HIM to give you reassurance?

Meh...

Posted by confusedlibra78
I totally agree. That's why I want him to do it. I don't want someone to be with me unless they really want to. His words and actions back up that he likes me a lot. I've met practically everyone he's close to, he cooks for me, tells me that unless I get sick of him we will be going on many more trips together, etc. Maybe it's me. I'm aloof and haven't told him how I feel even a little bit.

So while he is treating you in word and action as his gf, your 'aloof' and not affirming his affection. And yet you still want more from him, you need the gf title to be satisfied. Don't you see how one sided and hypocritical your being?

Instead of focusing on what he's not giving you why don't you open up a little bit? He's probably dying to have the talk with you and make things official...but your coldness is making him pause.

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

The mere fact that you refer to it as "dreaded" makes me think neither of you should make the first move....

If it's something you don't look forward to, having a simple conversation to ensure you're on the same page, then why take the next step at all?

Ah, to answer the OP, not sure why it matter who initiates. If you want more or at the very least to ensure you know what they hell you're doing together, speak up. You have no one to blame if 6 months later you think you're "together" and the other thought y'all were "just enjoying each other's company" until someone better came along and moved on.

Relationships don't need to be complicated.

Posted by TaurusBull1977
Some ladies have it confused.

If you're going to be liberated about sex, own it!

Don't incorporate chivalrous expectations into your twisted fantasy....

He really doesn't owe you anything.

Your request for the 'dreaded' talk is rather comical, and self-entitled.

You want the discussion...initiate it!

This.

Posted by confusedlibra78
I'm aloof and haven't told him how I feel even a little bit.

I believe you found the answer to your problem, if we can even call it that. You're clearly standing in your own way. On all fronts.

Posted by confusedlibra78

Posted by truecap

Posted by confusedlibra78
I believe the man should initiate the dreaded "talk." What's everyone else's opinion? And at what point should it be had?

I've been seeing a Cancer man for 3.5 months. We see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week, I spend all weekend with him, and we recently went on a 3-day trip to New York together. But..we haven't had the talk. His ex-girlfriend told my ex-husband that my guy is very passive. Do I just wait around for him to initiate? Or do I go ahead and take the initiative?

You're spending all weekend with him. That means you're having sex, but you don't know where you stand?

You've already lost your leverage.

I don't view sex as leverage. I don't want leverage. I just want to know we're on the same page.

click to expand

But you're not on the same page and having sex before establishing that only leaves you confused.