loonybird
@loonybird
21 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 162 · Topics: 20
Jokes/Poetry/Anecdotes
What is the purpose of the Jokes and Poetry thread?
The Jokes and Poetry thread is a space for sharing jokes, poetry, anecdotes, and stories to entertain and connect with others. It encourages lighthearted and creative contributions for community enjoyment.
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I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER !!
Believe me it is true...........
* You installed the best in me.
* Your picture is always in my background.
* You clicked my heart gently.
* Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness
in me.
* You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
* I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
* You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
* You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
* You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never logout.
* You don't have to search for me, cause we are always
linked to each other.
* I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my
Homepage and all my software.
* I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected
by you.
* You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I?
* You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
* Believe me it is true..........I love you more than
my CPU
Believe me it is true...........
* You installed the best in me.
* Your picture is always in my background.
* You clicked my heart gently.
* Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness
in me.
* You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
* I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
* You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
* You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
* You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never logout.
* You don't have to search for me, cause we are always
linked to each other.
* I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my
Homepage and all my software.
* I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected
by you.
* You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I?
* You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
* Believe me it is true..........I love you more than
my CPU
Tongue Twister
Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitterbutterbetter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How much wood would a woodchuck chuckif a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck wouldif a woodchuck could chuck wood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a sack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitterbutterbetter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How much wood would a woodchuck chuckif a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck wouldif a woodchuck could chuck wood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed blood.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a sack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once Upon A December
Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...
And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December
Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...
Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...
And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December
The Christmas Waltz
- Frank Sinatra
Frosted windowpanes
Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and me
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing, too
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours, everyone
Merry Christmas ....
- Frank Sinatra
Frosted windowpanes
Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and me
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing, too
It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"
And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours, everyone
Merry Christmas ....
Subject: Truly priceless
>>
>>The government recently calculated the cost of
>>raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with
>> $ 160,140 for a middle income family.
>>
>>Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch
>>college tuition.
>>
>>But $ 160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
>>translates into $ 8,896.66 a year, $ 741.38 a month,
>>or $ 171.08 a week. That's a mere $ 24.24 a day!
>>
>>Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think
>>the best financial advice says don't have children
>>if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
>>
>>What do your get for your $ 160,140?
>>
>>1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>>
>>2. Glimpses of God every day.
>>
>>3. Giggles under the covers every night.
>>
>>4. More love than your heart can hold.
>>
>>5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>>
>>6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds,
>>and warm cookies.
>>
>>7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
>>
>>8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
>>building sand castles, and skipping down
>>the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
>>
>>9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter
>>what the boss said or how your stocks performed
>>that day.
>>
>>10. For $ 160,140, you never have to grow up.
>>
>>11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
>>hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
>>never stop believing in Santa Claus.
>>
>>12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the
>>Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
>>Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
>>movies, and wishing on stars.
>>
>>13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
>>under refrigerator magnets and collect
>>spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
>>handprints set in clay for Mother's Day,
>>and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
>>
>>14. For $ 160,140, there is no greater bang for your
>>buck.
>>
>>15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a
>>Frisbee off the garage roof,
>>taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a
>>splinter, filling a wading
>>pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
>>and coaching a baseball team that never
>>wins but always gets treated to ice cream
>>regardless.
>>
>>16. You get a front row seat to history to witness
>>the first step, first word, first bra, first date,
>>and first time behind the wheel.
>>
>>17. You get to be immortal.
>>
>>18. You get another branch added to your family tree,
>>and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in
>>your obituary called grandchildren.
>>
>>19. You get an education in psychology, nursing,
>>criminal justice, communications, and
>>human sexuality that no college can match.
>>
>>20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there
>>with God. You have all the power to heal
>>a boo-boo, scare away the monsters
>>under the bed, patch a broken heart,
>>police a slumber party, ground them forever,
>>And love them without limits,
>>so one day they will, like you, love without
>>counting the cost.
>>
>>ENJOY YOUR KIDS !!
>
>>
>>The government recently calculated the cost of
>>raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with
>> $ 160,140 for a middle income family.
>>
>>Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch
>>college tuition.
>>
>>But $ 160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
>>translates into $ 8,896.66 a year, $ 741.38 a month,
>>or $ 171.08 a week. That's a mere $ 24.24 a day!
>>
>>Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think
>>the best financial advice says don't have children
>>if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
>>
>>What do your get for your $ 160,140?
>>
>>1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>>
>>2. Glimpses of God every day.
>>
>>3. Giggles under the covers every night.
>>
>>4. More love than your heart can hold.
>>
>>5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>>
>>6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds,
>>and warm cookies.
>>
>>7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
>>
>>8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
>>building sand castles, and skipping down
>>the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
>>
>>9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter
>>what the boss said or how your stocks performed
>>that day.
>>
>>10. For $ 160,140, you never have to grow up.
>>
>>11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
>>hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
>>never stop believing in Santa Claus.
>>
>>12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the
>>Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
>>Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
>>movies, and wishing on stars.
>>
>>13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
>>under refrigerator magnets and collect
>>spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
>>handprints set in clay for Mother's Day,
>>and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
>>
>>14. For $ 160,140, there is no greater bang for your
>>buck.
>>
>>15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a
>>Frisbee off the garage roof,
>>taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a
>>splinter, filling a wading
>>pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
>>and coaching a baseball team that never
>>wins but always gets treated to ice cream
>>regardless.
>>
>>16. You get a front row seat to history to witness
>>the first step, first word, first bra, first date,
>>and first time behind the wheel.
>>
>>17. You get to be immortal.
>>
>>18. You get another branch added to your family tree,
>>and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in
>>your obituary called grandchildren.
>>
>>19. You get an education in psychology, nursing,
>>criminal justice, communications, and
>>human sexuality that no college can match.
>>
>>20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there
>>with God. You have all the power to heal
>>a boo-boo, scare away the monsters
>>under the bed, patch a broken heart,
>>police a slumber party, ground them forever,
>>And love them without limits,
>>so one day they will, like you, love without
>>counting the cost.
>>
>>ENJOY YOUR KIDS !!
>
I started the joke that started the whole world laughing, but alas the joke was on me.
Hey oj hows tricks—
WISH YOU ALL MERRY X'MAS AND A LIFE FULL OF LOVE & HAPPINESS.
Nixon Down Under
One day during his presidency, Richard Nixon landed in Australia for a state visit. As he stepped from the plane, Nixon made a peace sign (as was his custom) to signify solidarity with his Aussie hosts.
Some time later he was delicately informed that, in Australia, the so-called 'peace sign' (unless the palm is facing out) is the equivalent of an American display of the middle finger.
Groucho Marx & Marilyn Monroe: Arresting Beauty
Famed comedian Groucho Marx first met Marilyn Monroe on the set of a 1950 film called Love Happy. "Young lady, I think you're a case of arrested development," Marx remarked. "With your development, somebody's bound to get arrested!"
One day during his presidency, Richard Nixon landed in Australia for a state visit. As he stepped from the plane, Nixon made a peace sign (as was his custom) to signify solidarity with his Aussie hosts.
Some time later he was delicately informed that, in Australia, the so-called 'peace sign' (unless the palm is facing out) is the equivalent of an American display of the middle finger.
Groucho Marx & Marilyn Monroe: Arresting Beauty
Famed comedian Groucho Marx first met Marilyn Monroe on the set of a 1950 film called Love Happy. "Young lady, I think you're a case of arrested development," Marx remarked. "With your development, somebody's bound to get arrested!"
WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SUN SIGN PRAYERS JUST FOR FUN
by Nolan Myers
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
by Nolan Myers
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."
LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"
VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."
LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"
SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."
SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"
CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."
AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"
PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
HA HA HA tricks are always good.
LB, you're 1 in a million hun!!!! I'm ROFL.
Kosh Quotes for the 12 Signs of the Zodiac!
by Lauryl Stone, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5.
Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.
Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.
Gemini: The truth points to itself.
Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.
Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.
Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.
Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.
Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.
Sagittarius: I am studying.
Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?
Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!
Pisces: We are all Kosh.
by Lauryl Stone, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5.
Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.
Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.
Gemini: The truth points to itself.
Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.
Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.
Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.
Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.
Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.
Sagittarius: I am studying.
Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?
Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!
Pisces: We are all Kosh.
SUPPOSEDLY, THESE ARE ACTUAL ADS WHICH APPEARED ACROSS PAPERS ACROSS US of A.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $ 2.35; Chicken or Beef $ 2.25; Children $ 2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
English Translations By Gender
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.
M.Y.A.S.S.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."
This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."
Computers - Male or Female? (?)
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.
Who Was that Masked Driver?
Aries: Aries will be the first on the block to get the latest and greatest new model car to show off to all the neighbours. Also the first to put it up a tree while waving at the neighbours and shouting "Look at me!"
Taurus: the newest version of whatever car they're trading in. No sense in going out on a limb to buy something unfamiliar now is there?
Gemini: two cars, of course: the family car will be any old thing to take the wife/hubby and kids out in on weekends; the other car will belong to Gemini only and be loaded with extra features to give it class --- racing stripes, rad whhheeells, cellular phone, auto windows, auto door locks, auto attenna, CD player and stereo speakers, sun roof ....
Cancer: some cute little car that looks like a toy --- beetle bug, dune buggy, Japanese compact --- a child-car that hasn't fully grown up yet. She'll have pet names for it. She'll apologise to it for taking it over rough terrain and try to coax it along with soothing words.
Leo: a convertible, of course, so that everyone can see how wonderful they look driving it and be able to recognise him/her.
Virgo: a safe car. No tinted glass, good visibility on all sides, able to withstand winters without rusting. Big enough to survive an accident.
Libra: whatever her/his mate thinks the Libra should drive.
Scorpio: whatever the opposite sex will think the Scorpio looks good driving or might want to get into. Tinted windows are in!: more can happen in the back seat that way!
Sagittarius: any old box that will get from A to B without inflicting too many casualties.
Capricorn: some big luxury car that says Cappy has arrived in life.
Aquarius: the car with an environmental and social conscience!
Pisces: "You mean I have to learn to drive? What for?"
Aries: Aries will be the first on the block to get the latest and greatest new model car to show off to all the neighbours. Also the first to put it up a tree while waving at the neighbours and shouting "Look at me!"
Taurus: the newest version of whatever car they're trading in. No sense in going out on a limb to buy something unfamiliar now is there?
Gemini: two cars, of course: the family car will be any old thing to take the wife/hubby and kids out in on weekends; the other car will belong to Gemini only and be loaded with extra features to give it class --- racing stripes, rad whhheeells, cellular phone, auto windows, auto door locks, auto attenna, CD player and stereo speakers, sun roof ....
Cancer: some cute little car that looks like a toy --- beetle bug, dune buggy, Japanese compact --- a child-car that hasn't fully grown up yet. She'll have pet names for it. She'll apologise to it for taking it over rough terrain and try to coax it along with soothing words.
Leo: a convertible, of course, so that everyone can see how wonderful they look driving it and be able to recognise him/her.
Virgo: a safe car. No tinted glass, good visibility on all sides, able to withstand winters without rusting. Big enough to survive an accident.
Libra: whatever her/his mate thinks the Libra should drive.
Scorpio: whatever the opposite sex will think the Scorpio looks good driving or might want to get into. Tinted windows are in!: more can happen in the back seat that way!
Sagittarius: any old box that will get from A to B without inflicting too many casualties.
Capricorn: some big luxury car that says Cappy has arrived in life.
Aquarius: the car with an environmental and social conscience!
Pisces: "You mean I have to learn to drive? What for?"
Computer Chicken Jokes
Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.
Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...
Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
COBOL Chicken :
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
Newton Chicken : Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken : Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken : It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken : You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ...chicken.
Mac Chicken : No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, although dividing 3 by 2 will get you 1.4999999999.
Microsoft Chicken (TM) : It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Java Chicken : If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets!)
C Chicken : It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken : The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken : USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
OOP Chicken : It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken : First it builds the road ...
Delphi Chicken : The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Web Chicken : Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken : Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Lotus Chicken : Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
COBOL Chicken :
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM
0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1
UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
What's the difference between a super nurse and a super-duper nurse?
The super nurse can make the bed without disturbing the patient.
The super-duper nurse can make the patient without disturbing the bed.
The super nurse can make the bed without disturbing the patient.
The super-duper nurse can make the patient without disturbing the bed.
LMAO
Hey Candlegirl/kennyg,
You are most welcome. Thanx for the posting.
You are most welcome. Thanx for the posting.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
(besides to get to the other side!)
Some Celebrity Reactions:
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?
Colonel Sanders : I missed one?
Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?
Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
(besides to get to the other side!)
Some Celebrity Reactions:
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?
Colonel Sanders : I missed one?
Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?
Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
There is no such thing as a moral book or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all.
-quote unquote Oscar Wilde.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
- Woody Allen
-quote unquote Oscar Wilde.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
- Woody Allen
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
From Text Messages...Some Thoughts...
Be slow in choosing a friend...Slower in loosing them...B'coz friendship is not an opportunity..But it is a sweet responsibility!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"When You Are Up, Your Friends Know who You Are. And When You Are Down,You Know Who Your Friends Are."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Coincidence decides whom you meet in life, your heart decides with whom you want stay in life, but it is only your destiny that can decide who gets to stay in your life"!
Be slow in choosing a friend...Slower in loosing them...B'coz friendship is not an opportunity..But it is a sweet responsibility!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"When You Are Up, Your Friends Know who You Are. And When You Are Down,You Know Who Your Friends Are."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Coincidence decides whom you meet in life, your heart decides with whom you want stay in life, but it is only your destiny that can decide who gets to stay in your life"!
More Light Bulb Jokes (Hilarious)
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2) "Hey man, I just do sound."
3)One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2) "Hey man, I just do sound."
3)One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
-- Helen Keller (1880-1968)
-- Helen Keller (1880-1968)
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
LMAO
LMFAO!
LOL
That was great Seize.
That was great Seize.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
> "What are you doing?" She asked.
> "Hunting Flies" He responded.
> "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
>
> "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>
> Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
>
> He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
>
>
> "What are you doing?" She asked.
> "Hunting Flies" He responded.
> "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
>
> "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>
> Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
>
> He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
>
>
Pop-Up Male
Son : "Daddy, how was I born?"
>Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
>anyway!
>Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
>Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
>We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
>from
>my hard drive.
>As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
>used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
>nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "'You've Got
>Male!'"
Son : "Daddy, how was I born?"
>Dad answered: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
>anyway!
>Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
>Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
>We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
>from
>my hard drive.
>As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
>used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
>nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "'You've Got
>Male!'"
this was good for a chuckle: http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=106174
Ahem...
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
hit the ground first?
A: Who cares—??.....
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have
no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
hit the ground first?
A: Who cares—??.....
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have
no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
LMAO - good one.
>--which tree your birthday fall under?
>
>December 23 to January 1 —.. Apple Tree
>January 2 to January 11 —?.. Fir Tree
>January 12 to January 24 —? Elm Tree
>January 25 to February 3 —?. Cypress Tree
>February 4 to February 8 —?. Poplar Tree
>February 9 to February 18 —? Cedar Tree
>February 19 to February 28 —. Pine Tree
>March 1 to March 10 —??.. Weeping Willow Tree
>March 11 to March 20 —?? Lime Tree
>March 21 ——— Oak Tree
>March 22 to March 31 —?.. Hazelnut Tree
>April 1 to April 10 ——? Rowan Tree
>April 11 to April 20 ——.. Maple Tree
>April 21 to April 30 ——.. Walnut Tree
>May 1 to May 14 ——?? Poplar Tree
>May 15 to May 24 ——?.. Chestnut Tree
>May 25 to June 3 ——?? Ash Tree
>June 4 to June 13 ——?. Hornbeam Tree
>June 14 to June 23 ——? Fig Tree
>June 24 ———?.. Birch Tree
>June 25 to July 4 ——?.. Apple Tree
>July 5 to July 14 ——?. Fir Tree
>July 15 to July 25 ——?. Elm Tree
>July 26 to August 4 ——.. Cypress Tree
>August 5 to August 13 —— Poplar Tree
>August 14 to August 23 —??. Cedar Tree
>August 24 to September 2 —? Pine Tree
>September 3 to September 12 ?.. Weeping Willow Tree
>September 13 to September 22 ? Lime Tree
>September 23 ——??.. Olive Tree
>September 24 to October 3 —. Hazelnut Tree
>October 4 to October 13 —?? Rowan Tree
>October 14 to October 23 —?. Maple Tree
>October 24 to November 11 —. Walnut Tree
>November 12 to November 21 ?? Chestnut Tree
>November 22 to December 1 ??.. Ash Tree
>December 2 to December 11 ??.. Hornbeam Tree
>December 12 to December 21 ?? Fig Tree
>December 22 ———.. Beech Tree
APPLE TREE, the Love Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.
FIR TREE, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated
Airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented,
Industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
ELM TREE, the noble-mindedness Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
CYPRESS TREE, the Faithfulness Strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.
>POPLAR TREE, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-confident
behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic
nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership serious.
CEDAR, the Confidence Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes
luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till i
>
>December 23 to January 1 —.. Apple Tree
>January 2 to January 11 —?.. Fir Tree
>January 12 to January 24 —? Elm Tree
>January 25 to February 3 —?. Cypress Tree
>February 4 to February 8 —?. Poplar Tree
>February 9 to February 18 —? Cedar Tree
>February 19 to February 28 —. Pine Tree
>March 1 to March 10 —??.. Weeping Willow Tree
>March 11 to March 20 —?? Lime Tree
>March 21 ——— Oak Tree
>March 22 to March 31 —?.. Hazelnut Tree
>April 1 to April 10 ——? Rowan Tree
>April 11 to April 20 ——.. Maple Tree
>April 21 to April 30 ——.. Walnut Tree
>May 1 to May 14 ——?? Poplar Tree
>May 15 to May 24 ——?.. Chestnut Tree
>May 25 to June 3 ——?? Ash Tree
>June 4 to June 13 ——?. Hornbeam Tree
>June 14 to June 23 ——? Fig Tree
>June 24 ———?.. Birch Tree
>June 25 to July 4 ——?.. Apple Tree
>July 5 to July 14 ——?. Fir Tree
>July 15 to July 25 ——?. Elm Tree
>July 26 to August 4 ——.. Cypress Tree
>August 5 to August 13 —— Poplar Tree
>August 14 to August 23 —??. Cedar Tree
>August 24 to September 2 —? Pine Tree
>September 3 to September 12 ?.. Weeping Willow Tree
>September 13 to September 22 ? Lime Tree
>September 23 ——??.. Olive Tree
>September 24 to October 3 —. Hazelnut Tree
>October 4 to October 13 —?? Rowan Tree
>October 14 to October 23 —?. Maple Tree
>October 24 to November 11 —. Walnut Tree
>November 12 to November 21 ?? Chestnut Tree
>November 22 to December 1 ??.. Ash Tree
>December 2 to December 11 ??.. Hornbeam Tree
>December 12 to December 21 ?? Fig Tree
>December 22 ———.. Beech Tree
APPLE TREE, the Love Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal
and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.
FIR TREE, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated
Airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented,
Industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
ELM TREE, the noble-mindedness Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
CYPRESS TREE, the Faithfulness Strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.
>POPLAR TREE, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-confident
behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic
nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation,
takes partnership serious.
CEDAR, the Confidence Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes
luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others,
many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very
robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till i
lesson #1.. always do the right thing...
Yep,
I'm an apple tree alright
Cancerlady
I'm an apple tree alright
Cancerlady
Colors code - If your birthday is on??
>December 23rd to January 1st = Red
>January 2nd to January 11th = Orange
>January 12th to January 24th = Yellow
>January 25th to February 3rd = Pink
>February 4th to February 8th = Blue
>February 9th to February 18th = Green
>February 19th to February 28th = Brown
>February 1st to March 10th = Aqua
>March 11th to March 20th = Lime
>March 21st = Black
>March 22nd to March 31st = Purple
>April 1st to April 10th = Navy
>April 11th to April 20th = Silver
>April 21st to April 30th = White
>May 2st to May 14th = Blue
>May 15th to May 24th = Gold
>May 25th to June 3rd = Cream
>June 4th to June 13th = Grey
>June 14th to June 23rd = Maroon
>June 24th = Grey
>June 25th to July 4th = Red
>July 5th to July 14th = Orange
>July 15th to July 25th = Yellow
>July 26th to August 4th = Pink
>August 5th to August 13th = Blue
>August 14th to August 23rd = Green
>August 24th to September 2nd = Brown
>September 3rd to Septemeber 12th = Aqua
>September 13th to September 22nd = Lime
>September 23rd = Olive
>September 24th to October 3rd = Purple
>October 4th to October 13th = Navy
>October 14th to October 23rd = Silver
>October 24th to November 11th = White
>November 12th to November 21st = Gold
>November22nd to December 1st = Cream
>December 2nd to December 11th = Grey
>December 12th to December 21st = Maroon
>Decmeber 22nd = Teal
>
>
>*RED*
>
>Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love?and liked to be
>loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be "moody" at times. Capable with
>people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people
>that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel comfortable.
>
>
>*CREAM*
>Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You are
>trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully, and don't fall
>in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go for a
>long long time.
>
>
>*TEAL*
>You are mostly interested in your looks. And have high standards in
>picking love. You think and make a solution precisely, and hardly make
>stupid mistakes. You like to lead, and is easy for you to make new friends.
>
>
*GREY*
>You are attractive, and active. You never hide your feelings, and express
>everything that?s inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be
>noticed, and don't like to be treated uneqaully. You can brighten up
>people's day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have good
>sense of humour.
>
>
*GREEN*
>You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but
>sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words? You like to be
>loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single waiting for the
>right person.
>
>
*GOLD*
>You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and out going.
>It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right
>person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.
>
>
*PINK*
>You are always trying your best in everything, and like to
help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have
negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale.
>
>
*YELLOW*
>You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people, and have a strong
>leadership towards relationships. You make good decision and make the
>right choice at the right time. And always dreaming of romactic relationship.
>
>
*MAROON*
>You are intellegent, and know what's rig
>December 23rd to January 1st = Red
>January 2nd to January 11th = Orange
>January 12th to January 24th = Yellow
>January 25th to February 3rd = Pink
>February 4th to February 8th = Blue
>February 9th to February 18th = Green
>February 19th to February 28th = Brown
>February 1st to March 10th = Aqua
>March 11th to March 20th = Lime
>March 21st = Black
>March 22nd to March 31st = Purple
>April 1st to April 10th = Navy
>April 11th to April 20th = Silver
>April 21st to April 30th = White
>May 2st to May 14th = Blue
>May 15th to May 24th = Gold
>May 25th to June 3rd = Cream
>June 4th to June 13th = Grey
>June 14th to June 23rd = Maroon
>June 24th = Grey
>June 25th to July 4th = Red
>July 5th to July 14th = Orange
>July 15th to July 25th = Yellow
>July 26th to August 4th = Pink
>August 5th to August 13th = Blue
>August 14th to August 23rd = Green
>August 24th to September 2nd = Brown
>September 3rd to Septemeber 12th = Aqua
>September 13th to September 22nd = Lime
>September 23rd = Olive
>September 24th to October 3rd = Purple
>October 4th to October 13th = Navy
>October 14th to October 23rd = Silver
>October 24th to November 11th = White
>November 12th to November 21st = Gold
>November22nd to December 1st = Cream
>December 2nd to December 11th = Grey
>December 12th to December 21st = Maroon
>Decmeber 22nd = Teal
>
>
>*RED*
>
>Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love?and liked to be
>loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be "moody" at times. Capable with
>people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people
>that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel comfortable.
>
>
>*CREAM*
>Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You are
>trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully, and don't fall
>in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go for a
>long long time.
>
>
>*TEAL*
>You are mostly interested in your looks. And have high standards in
>picking love. You think and make a solution precisely, and hardly make
>stupid mistakes. You like to lead, and is easy for you to make new friends.
>
>
*GREY*
>You are attractive, and active. You never hide your feelings, and express
>everything that?s inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be
>noticed, and don't like to be treated uneqaully. You can brighten up
>people's day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have good
>sense of humour.
>
>
*GREEN*
>You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but
>sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words? You like to be
>loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single waiting for the
>right person.
>
>
*GOLD*
>You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and out going.
>It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right
>person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.
>
>
*PINK*
>You are always trying your best in everything, and like to
help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have
negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale.
>
>
*YELLOW*
>You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people, and have a strong
>leadership towards relationships. You make good decision and make the
>right choice at the right time. And always dreaming of romactic relationship.
>
>
*MAROON*
>You are intellegent, and know what's rig
Yep,walnut and white.Im a freak and a b=tch all rolled into one.
ENJOY...
> > >
> > >
> > >God made men and women to complement each other
> > with the unique traits each
> > >were given.
> > >
> > >WOMEN:
> > >
> > >Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
> > children, they carry
> > >hardships, and they carry burdens, yet they hold
> > happiness, love, and joy.
> > >They smile when they want to scream. They sing when
> > they want to cry. They
> > >cry when they are happy and laugh when they are
> > nervous. Women wait by the
> > >phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after
> > a snowy drive home.
> > >They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys,
> > stay-at-home moms, biker
> > >babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans,
> > and uniforms. They fight
> > >for what they believe in. They stand up against
> > injustice. They walk and
> > >talk the extra mile to get their kids into the
> > right schools and to get
> > >their family the right health care. They go to the
> > doctor with a frightened
> > >friend.
> > >
> > >Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are
> > smart; they know that
> > >knowledge is power, but they still know how to use
> > their softer side to
> > >make a point. Women want to be the best for their
> > family, their friends,
> > >and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend
> > dies. They have sorrow at
> > >the loss of a family member, yet they are strong
> > when they think there is
> > >no strength left.
> > >
> > >A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
> > >
> > >Women come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. They
> > live in houses,
> > >apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run,
> > or e-mail you to show
> > >how much they care about you. The heart of a woman
> > is what makes the world
> > >spin!
> > >
> > >Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy
> > and hope. They give
> > >compassion and ideals. They give moral support to
> > their family and friends.
> > >And all they want in return are a hug and a smile
> > and for you to do the
> > >same for the people you come in contact with.
> > >
> > >MEN:
> > >
> > >Men are good at lifting heavy things and killing
> > bugs.
> > >
> > >
> > >God made men and women to complement each other
> > with the unique traits each
> > >were given.
> > >
> > >WOMEN:
> > >
> > >Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
> > children, they carry
> > >hardships, and they carry burdens, yet they hold
> > happiness, love, and joy.
> > >They smile when they want to scream. They sing when
> > they want to cry. They
> > >cry when they are happy and laugh when they are
> > nervous. Women wait by the
> > >phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after
> > a snowy drive home.
> > >They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys,
> > stay-at-home moms, biker
> > >babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans,
> > and uniforms. They fight
> > >for what they believe in. They stand up against
> > injustice. They walk and
> > >talk the extra mile to get their kids into the
> > right schools and to get
> > >their family the right health care. They go to the
> > doctor with a frightened
> > >friend.
> > >
> > >Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are
> > smart; they know that
> > >knowledge is power, but they still know how to use
> > their softer side to
> > >make a point. Women want to be the best for their
> > family, their friends,
> > >and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend
> > dies. They have sorrow at
> > >the loss of a family member, yet they are strong
> > when they think there is
> > >no strength left.
> > >
> > >A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
> > >
> > >Women come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. They
> > live in houses,
> > >apartments, and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run,
> > or e-mail you to show
> > >how much they care about you. The heart of a woman
> > is what makes the world
> > >spin!
> > >
> > >Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy
> > and hope. They give
> > >compassion and ideals. They give moral support to
> > their family and friends.
> > >And all they want in return are a hug and a smile
> > and for you to do the
> > >same for the people you come in contact with.
> > >
> > >MEN:
> > >
> > >Men are good at lifting heavy things and killing
> > bugs.
LOL and penis.
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I dont know maybe it has more to do with the way he was raised than being a cancer thing. It seems that my cancer is always working (because he is). I am left feeling like there is no time in his life to be with his family (us). He has always been a hard
When somebody's Mars falls in your 5th house, heart-pounding reactions and strong romantic/sexual desires and crushes can be activated. The Mars person WANTS you, although the attraction may not last long unless there are other stable aspects and position
The CANCER Man<BR> "I sometimes dig for butter rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs:<BR> <BR> I sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of Hansom-cabs:<BR> <BR> And that's the way," (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-<BR> <BR> And very gladly
Hi! I am goign crazy. I have a severe crush on this virgo male who has big dreamy champagne colour eyes. he is 18 yrs younger than me! I think he also likes me, but like a typical virgoan always speaks about principles and avoids me most of the time. but
I am a Scorpio woman in deep pain.....<BR> you know how they say still waters run deep well the pain I feel may fill up the bottomless pit... My Cancer male that I have gave not only my heart but all of me to lately has been drifting away from me. We have
hi, I am comitted with cancer man and I am unable to understand him. At times he is so warm that he makes me melt and at times he has this cold shoulder and a formal look. He tells me that he loves me very much that I am the only woman in his life and hi
i have a lot of negativity swirling around my head. i dont find this life exciting anymore. i know this is a state of mind, but i cant change it. the things that i want the most are the things that elude me. am i asking too much? of myself and others? i
Ok, I'm a Scorpio, Cancer is one of the signs I'm compatible with, well that's what it says at least. Now the problem with this is...I wanna know is it me or are you guys some SENSITIVE CREATURES? OMG I wanna pull out my hair! I really do. My best guy fri
First time posting looking for much needed help with a cancer man i have a serious crush on. We've been going to the same gym for over a year but we've never actually met. I fell for him the fisrt time i saw him. I think he likes me too by the way he look
Have we chased you away with our topics of conversation lately— TW2
Please see my previous post about cancers and comminication. I still need some help. I did not quite get the andwers I was looking for. Thanks TW2
Ive been with a cancer for over two years, and one of the areas we seem to have difficulty is communicating about personal things (or relationship issues). That is the single most difficult aspect of this relationship for me. Are all cancers stand offish
Do crabs ever create a little (emotional or communicative) distance between themselves and their friends, or romantic prospects, on purpose? If so, what could the possible reasons for this be?
Does any body have nay comments..good or bad about CAncer women.
Every single book I read says we suck together! Does anyone have any feedback? :-) I have been dating a Gem for 2 years now and sometimes it does suck. hahahah
I heard this is a good combo. Does anyone have any insights, good or bad to offer?
(also posted on Misc. board)<BR> <BR> I have a friend (a cancer) who is going to be coming to the states (he lives in a different country now, but was born and raised here) in a couple months. He's a good friend of mine, also an ex (but we only briefly da
my cancer bfd made me very jealous w/a coworker. (she called him at home).....so i retaliated by saying great stuff about my cutie boss. i regret it and hope he forgives me. i dont like my boss. i was just pissed that some girl called him at 9 am! i was v
CANCER: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of mothe
I'm discontent too goddam it! (In reference to comments you made on "who would you like to meet..." on the misc board).<BR> <BR> It sounds like your job is interesting and creative but maybe you have been doing it for too long and maybe the only thing ke
This thread is meant for everybody to drop in jokes, poetry, anecdotes, stories..whatever.
loonybird