Jokes/Poetry/Anecdotes (Page 3)

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
>>>>AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
>>>>
>>>>Is travel not a wonderful thing ?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a house call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, the baby boy was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again.?

>Bill Gates passed away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God.
>"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure
>whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
>society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet
>you created that ghastly Windows.
>
> "I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
> decide where you want to go."
>
> Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
>
> God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you
> decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
> "Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
>
> Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear water.
>There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in
> the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
> temperature was perfect.
>
>"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."
>
> God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy
> white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing
> harps and singing.
>
> It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
> Bill Gates though for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
> "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
> "As you desire," said God.
>Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
> things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming
>amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by
> demons. "How ya doing', Bill?" asked God.
> Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This not what I
>expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing
> in the water?"
>
> "Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."

lol

The Bush Stamp

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

Life Cycle- how wonderful if it went back

I think the life cycle should be all backwards

You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then,
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then,

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,
in spa-like conditions......central heating, room service on tap,
larger quarters every day,

and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

"Here's my strategy
on the Cold War:
We win, they lose."

- Ronald Reagan


"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

- Ronald Reagan



"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."


- Ronald Reagan




"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."

- Ronald Reagan



"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

- Ronald Reagan




"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

- Ronald Reagan



"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

- Ronald Reagan







"The nearest
thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."

- Ronald Reagan



"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

- Ronald Reagan



"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

- Ronald Reagan



"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

- Ronald Reagan



"Politics is not a bad
profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan



"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

- Ronald Reagan

Quotes on Sex
>
> "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
> things
> that money can buy."
> ~ Tom Clancy
>
> "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
> ~ Steve Martin
>
> "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
> you'd
> better have a good hand."
> ~ Woody Allen
>
> "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
> night."
> ~ Rodney Dangerfield
>
> "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
> particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
> 380SL."
>
> "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
>
> "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
> unimportant."
> ~ George Burns
>
> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
> relationships."
> ~ Sharon Stone
>
> "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
>
> "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid
> problem?"
> ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
>
> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
> Golf
> is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
> ~ Tiger Woods
>
> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
> ~ Jack Nicholson
>
> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
> never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> ~ Barbara Bush
>
> "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
> through his wallet."
> ~ Robin Williams
>
> "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
> time of the month that I can be myself."
> ~ Roseanne
>
> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> ~ Billy Crystal
>
> "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
> undressing
> in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
> that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
> ~ Robert De Niro
>
> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
> having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
> swelling. So what's the problem?"
> ~ Dustin Hoffman
>
>

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know
> what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
> ~ Jerry Seinfeld
>
> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
> and just give her a house."
> ~ Rod Stewart
>
> "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
> enough blood to run one at a time."
> ~ Robin Williams
>
>