cancerlady
@cancerlady
20 Years1,000+ Posts
Comments: 0 · Posts: 2804 · Topics: 142
Jokes/Poetry/Anecdotes (Page 2)
You are on page out of 3 | Reverse Order
LMAO...I just read the second one...VERY FUNNY!
Cancerlady!
These were sent to me by a friend via e-mail. Glad you liked them.
🙂
These were sent to me by a friend via e-mail. Glad you liked them.
🙂
The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn
them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that
comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an
A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the
student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play
the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn
them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that
comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an
A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the
student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play
the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
Love Quotations
What is love without two people in it?
What is a world with out people?
What am I without you?
I love and miss you.
The essential sadness is to go through life without
loving.
But it would be almost equally sad to leave this
world without ever telling those you love.
If you love something set it free.
if it returns it was meant to be.
if it does not then it was never yours to begin
with.
"If a hug represented how much I loved you...!
I would hold you in my arms forever...!!
We do not love people because they are beautiful,
But they seem beautiful to us because we love
them...!
Love cannot be explained...
It can only be experienced...!
I never knew how to worship until I knew how to
love...!!
When you say, "I love you", mean it...!!
Believe in love at first sight...!!
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
But it's the only way to live life completely...!!
True Love is like ghosts which everyone talks
about...
but few have seen...!!!!
We cant really love anybody,
with whom we never laugh.
Once U can laugh..U can Love...!!
Never Let Love gets the best of you...!
But U should always try to get the...
BEST OF LOVE...!!
If U have the courage to love...!
You have the courage to suffer...!!!
Love is seeing Yourself in someone's eyes
And finding yourself in Somebody's heart...!!!
Love is when you take away
the feeling, the passion, the romance..
and you find out..
you still care for the person...!!
What is love without two people in it?
What is a world with out people?
What am I without you?
I love and miss you.
The essential sadness is to go through life without
loving.
But it would be almost equally sad to leave this
world without ever telling those you love.
If you love something set it free.
if it returns it was meant to be.
if it does not then it was never yours to begin
with.
"If a hug represented how much I loved you...!
I would hold you in my arms forever...!!
We do not love people because they are beautiful,
But they seem beautiful to us because we love
them...!
Love cannot be explained...
It can only be experienced...!
I never knew how to worship until I knew how to
love...!!
When you say, "I love you", mean it...!!
Believe in love at first sight...!!
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt
But it's the only way to live life completely...!!
True Love is like ghosts which everyone talks
about...
but few have seen...!!!!
We cant really love anybody,
with whom we never laugh.
Once U can laugh..U can Love...!!
Never Let Love gets the best of you...!
But U should always try to get the...
BEST OF LOVE...!!
If U have the courage to love...!
You have the courage to suffer...!!!
Love is seeing Yourself in someone's eyes
And finding yourself in Somebody's heart...!!!
Love is when you take away
the feeling, the passion, the romance..
and you find out..
you still care for the person...!!
The Lab test
The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking" .
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But AXA PPP Healthcare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
" The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking" .
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimers disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But AXA PPP Healthcare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
" The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Haahaaaahaaaaaaaaaa.
That was really funny looneybird...especially the ending :" The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
That was really funny looneybird...especially the ending :" The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Eeehhhh...It was ok
Normal.
Slightly funny.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
🙂 means a smile and
: ( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
😢
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(___!___) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_ $ _) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
🙂 means a smile and
: ( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
😢
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(___!___) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_ $ _) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
oooo thnax for the moons looney now theres more ways for me to moon people here.Tiamat😢_?_)
sure Tiamat that wud be fun.
Anybody what wud be assicon for jackass?
Anybody what wud be assicon for jackass?
It's your attitude not your aptitude, that will determine your altitude in life.
It's not what happens to you in life. It's how you react to it.
All the water in the world won't sink a ship - unless it gets inside it!
It's not what happens to you in life. It's how you react to it.
All the water in the world won't sink a ship - unless it gets inside it!
(_/|^^|>_) Jackass
hafool again...??
man.. it needs magic to get rid of your stupidities
man.. it needs magic to get rid of your stupidities
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.
> >Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
> >Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
> >drink on your feet).
> >Cure: Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward
> >
> >Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
> >Cause: You're lying on the floor.
> >Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
> >
> >Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
> >Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
> >Cure: Quickly refill with your favourite beverage.
> >
> > Symptom: The floor is moving.
> >Cause: You're being dragged away.
> >Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
> >
> >Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
> >Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
> >Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
> >
> >Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
> >the music is very repetitive.
> >Cause: You're in an ambulance.
> >Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
> >
> >Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
> >Cause: You're in the wrong house.
> >Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
> >
> >Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
> >drink on your feet).
> >Cure: Manoeuvre glass until open end is facing upward
> >
> >Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
> >Cause: You're lying on the floor.
> >Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
> >
> >Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
> >Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
> >Cure: Quickly refill with your favourite beverage.
> >
> > Symptom: The floor is moving.
> >Cause: You're being dragged away.
> >Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
> >
> >Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
> >Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
> >Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
> >
> >Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and
> >the music is very repetitive.
> >Cause: You're in an ambulance.
> >Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
> >
> >Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
> >Cause: You're in the wrong house.
> >Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
> >
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:
Effective 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, ! your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere
Company Policy:
Effective 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, ! your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere
nice
Who said English is so easy? Fill this blank with YES or NO.
1) --- I dont have a Brain.
*************************************
G-et up
O-pen ur eyes
O-ut of ur bed
D-ay has risen
M-erry life
O-ld dreams cum true
R-ise & shine
N-ew plans
I-deas of life
N-ice future
G-ood day 4 U
********************************
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you bcos
U may not always trust the peson U luv but U always luv the person U trust
*********************************
Success a nd failures are stations not destination.
UR successes are not U & failures R not U.
Love URself 4 what U R & not 4 what U do.
U R good as U R.
**********************************
The snile is like a simcard. Life is like a mobile phone.
Whenever U insert the simcard of a smile a beautiful day is activated.
Keep Smiling.
***********************************
God plays chess with each one of us. He makes moves in our Life & sits back to see how we react to the challenges. So make the best move today and always.
************************************
The biggest enemy of success is the Fear of Failure.
So when Fear knocks send Faith to open the door.
**************************************
Pray as if eveythign is dependent on God & work as if eveything is dependen on you.
To handle yourself use your head, to handle ohters use your heart.
****************************************
Golden fact of life- Good judgement comes form experience &
experince coems form poor judgement.
*****************************************
1) --- I dont have a Brain.
*************************************
G-et up
O-pen ur eyes
O-ut of ur bed
D-ay has risen
M-erry life
O-ld dreams cum true
R-ise & shine
N-ew plans
I-deas of life
N-ice future
G-ood day 4 U
********************************
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you bcos
U may not always trust the peson U luv but U always luv the person U trust
*********************************
Success a nd failures are stations not destination.
UR successes are not U & failures R not U.
Love URself 4 what U R & not 4 what U do.
U R good as U R.
**********************************
The snile is like a simcard. Life is like a mobile phone.
Whenever U insert the simcard of a smile a beautiful day is activated.
Keep Smiling.
***********************************
God plays chess with each one of us. He makes moves in our Life & sits back to see how we react to the challenges. So make the best move today and always.
************************************
The biggest enemy of success is the Fear of Failure.
So when Fear knocks send Faith to open the door.
**************************************
Pray as if eveythign is dependent on God & work as if eveything is dependen on you.
To handle yourself use your head, to handle ohters use your heart.
****************************************
Golden fact of life- Good judgement comes form experience &
experince coems form poor judgement.
*****************************************
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old University of Notre Dame lecturer. Conversation soon turned
into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee
and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot
coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and
stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups."
"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of
Life doesn't change."
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
Enjoy your coffee and God bless you!
into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee
and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot
coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and
stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups."
"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of
Life doesn't change."
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."
Enjoy your coffee and God bless you!
Cool, but the god bless you was out of line.
Ten Things You'll never hear a woman say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
Ten Things You'll never hear a man say
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
Ten Things You'll never hear a man say
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 _ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 _ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Minnie and Mickey Mouse
Minnie tells Mickey, "I want a divorce"
Mickey says, "Bit-ch you're fukking crazy!"
Minnie says, "No I'm fukking Goofy!"
Minnie tells Mickey, "I want a divorce"
Mickey says, "Bit-ch you're fukking crazy!"
Minnie says, "No I'm fukking Goofy!"
In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures.
And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures.
And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
------------------------------------
The Programmers' Cheer:
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
-------------------------------------
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines were at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
-------------------------------------
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
---------------------------------------
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
------------------------------------
The Programmers' Cheer:
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
-------------------------------------
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines were at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
-------------------------------------
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
---------------------------------------
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
TEN HUSBANDS AND STIL A VIRGIN
A lawyer married a woman who hadpreviously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative:
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services:
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services:
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing:
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer:
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration:
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer.
This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who hadpreviously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative:
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services:
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services:
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing:
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer:
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration:
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer.
This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Are my testicles black———?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
>>over
>>his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour,
>>surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
>>sponge bath.
>>
>>
>>
>>Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
>>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here
>>to wash your upper body and feet."
>>
>>
>>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned
>>that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
>>overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
>>raises
>>his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
>>lifting and moving them around.
>>
>>
>>Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
>>them, sir."
>>
>>
>>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
>>" Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
>>closely......
>>
>>
>>A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?!!? "
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
>>over
>>his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour,
>>surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
>>sponge bath.
>>
>>
>>
>>Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
>>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here
>>to wash your upper body and feet."
>>
>>
>>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned
>>that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
>>overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
>>raises
>>his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
>>lifting and moving them around.
>>
>>
>>Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
>>them, sir."
>>
>>
>>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
>>" Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
>>closely......
>>
>>
>>A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?!!? "
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
With huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
With huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts ---
Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday -- around age 11.
30. The air always smells different to a dwarf in a crowded elevator.
31. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
32. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed!
33. According to the statistics, every third person is crazy So look
to your left, then to your right. If they are normal, then you know
who is not.
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $ 20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts ---
Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday -- around age 11.
30. The air always smells different to a dwarf in a crowded elevator.
31. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
32. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed!
33. According to the statistics, every third person is crazy So look
to your left, then to your right. If they are normal, then you know
who is not.
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS
TURN GUYS DOWN!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
TURN GUYS DOWN!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
FACTS
A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An average human drinks about 16, 000 gallons of water in a lifetime.v
An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fingernails grow faster than toenails.
---------------------------------
A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a few weeks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to German researchers, the risk of heart attack is higher on Monday than any other day of the week.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After spending hours working at a computer display, look at a blank piece of white paper. It will probably appear pink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An average human drinks about 16, 000 gallons of water in a lifetime.v
An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fingernails grow faster than toenails.
---------------------------------
and if you're still reading this, then you really need to go out and get a life.
LOL saying after reading this? LOL
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around!"
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around!"
Date Bird Characteristics
of
birth
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21 Jan Robin A cool exterior disguises a fiery temper
- 17 and is very opinionated - although those
Feb opinions are not always shared by
everyone. They are proud and particularly
home-loving, although have a tendency to
be quarrelsome.
18 Feb Goldfinch Goldfinch people are colorful characters
- 17 who are sensitive and always alert. They
March are gregarious by nature and love being in
groups of people, which offers them
security. They need to find an outlet for
their imaginative abilities or they are
sometimes be in danger of becoming nervous
and irritable.
18 Hawk A powerful individual which displays
March courage and a sometimes ruthless
- 14 determination. Avoids problematical
April obstacles with skill, although must be
fully targeted so as not to waste energy
in fruitless chases for the impossible.
15 Albatross Has a tendency to have a mind that
April wanders, but when in search of a
- 12 particular goal, will travel great lengths
May to achieve it. Occasionally, the albatross
may become caught up in things it
shouldn't when not seeing clearly enough.
13 May Dove Peace-loving by nature, doves will bill
- 9 and coo about things close to their heart.
June They enjoy a fulfilling love-life and
rarely fail to satisfy. They are also
patient, adaptable and personable. Their
lack of aggression sometimes makes them
the victim of more predatory characters.
10 Eagle A well-respected figure which has
June- excellent visionary qualities. Eagles will
7 July truck no nonsense and will fix opponents
with a powerful stare. They have the power
to rise above the trivial aspects of
humanity, and are highly talented.
of
birth
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21 Jan Robin A cool exterior disguises a fiery temper
- 17 and is very opinionated - although those
Feb opinions are not always shared by
everyone. They are proud and particularly
home-loving, although have a tendency to
be quarrelsome.
18 Feb Goldfinch Goldfinch people are colorful characters
- 17 who are sensitive and always alert. They
March are gregarious by nature and love being in
groups of people, which offers them
security. They need to find an outlet for
their imaginative abilities or they are
sometimes be in danger of becoming nervous
and irritable.
18 Hawk A powerful individual which displays
March courage and a sometimes ruthless
- 14 determination. Avoids problematical
April obstacles with skill, although must be
fully targeted so as not to waste energy
in fruitless chases for the impossible.
15 Albatross Has a tendency to have a mind that
April wanders, but when in search of a
- 12 particular goal, will travel great lengths
May to achieve it. Occasionally, the albatross
may become caught up in things it
shouldn't when not seeing clearly enough.
13 May Dove Peace-loving by nature, doves will bill
- 9 and coo about things close to their heart.
June They enjoy a fulfilling love-life and
rarely fail to satisfy. They are also
patient, adaptable and personable. Their
lack of aggression sometimes makes them
the victim of more predatory characters.
10 Eagle A well-respected figure which has
June- excellent visionary qualities. Eagles will
7 July truck no nonsense and will fix opponents
with a powerful stare. They have the power
to rise above the trivial aspects of
humanity, and are highly talented.
Forget teh above post. I will make it more dxpnet freindly and put it up.
Which Bird Are You?
21 Jan - 17 Feb ... Robin
A cool exterior disguises a fiery temper
and is very opinionated - although those
opinions are not always shared by
everyone. They are proud and particularly
home-loving, although have a tendency to
be quarrelsome.
18 Feb - 17 March Goldfinch
Goldfinch people are colorful characters
who are sensitive and always alert. They
are gregarious by nature and love being in
groups of people, which offers them
security. They need to find an outlet for
their imaginative abilities or they are
sometimes be in danger of becoming nervous
and irritable.
18 March- 14 April Hawk
A powerful individual which displays
courage and a sometimes ruthless
determination. Avoids problematical
obstacles with skill, although must be
fully targeted so as not to waste energy
in fruitless chases for the impossible.
15 April- 12 May Albatross
Has a tendency to have a mind that
wanders, but when in search of a
particular goal, will travel great lengths
to achieve it. Occasionally, the albatross
may become caught up in things it
shouldn't when not seeing clearly enough.
13 May - 9 June Dove
Peace-loving by nature, doves will bill
and coo about things close to their heart.
They enjoy a fulfilling love-life and
rarely fail to satisfy. They are also
patient, adaptable and personable. Their
lack of aggression sometimes makes them
the victim of more predatory characters.
10 June-7 July Eagle
A well-respected figure which has
excellent visionary qualities. Eagles will
truck no nonsense and will fix opponents
with a powerful stare. They have the power
to rise above the trivial aspects of
humanity, and are highly talented.
8 July-4 August Nightingale
More often heard before being seen,
nightingales always have something to say
for themselves. They are however very much
in tune with their partners. Their
unimpressive exterior hides a personality
that is just waiting to burst out.
5 August- 1 Sept Kingfisher
Another flamboyant and colorful character
that is always exciting to encounter. They
rush around at great speed and have a
close spiritual affinity with water. They
have a sharp and perceptive head on them,
but can make them impetuous enough to dive
in where others would fear to go.
2 Sept- 29 Sept Swan
The swan is a complex character. While
appearing on the surface as a calm and
relaxed individual, underneath they are
working hard to keep up with the pace of
modern life. If provoked their natural
graceful demeanor can give way to a
violent temper which puts them in a flap.
They are definitely someone to have on
your side.
30 Sept - 27 Oct Woodpecker
A tough, hard-working character with
plenty of stamina. Has no problem drumming
up support for their ideas, no matter how
wacky they seem. With a lateral-thinking
mind they are skilled at dissecting
problems and seeing the wood for the
trees. However, with their noisy and
exuberant life style , you might not want to
have one as a neighbor.
28 Oct- 24 Nov Kestrel
A sharp brain helps kestrel people hover
from one subject to another without losing
concentration. They focus on their life's
goal with a single-minded focus, not
flustered by what is going on around them.
A confidence in their own ability helps
them to soar to heights others may only
dream of.
25 Nov - 23 Dec Raven
Always impressive, raven people are a
tower of strength. They are more
intelligent t
21 Jan - 17 Feb ... Robin
A cool exterior disguises a fiery temper
and is very opinionated - although those
opinions are not always shared by
everyone. They are proud and particularly
home-loving, although have a tendency to
be quarrelsome.
18 Feb - 17 March Goldfinch
Goldfinch people are colorful characters
who are sensitive and always alert. They
are gregarious by nature and love being in
groups of people, which offers them
security. They need to find an outlet for
their imaginative abilities or they are
sometimes be in danger of becoming nervous
and irritable.
18 March- 14 April Hawk
A powerful individual which displays
courage and a sometimes ruthless
determination. Avoids problematical
obstacles with skill, although must be
fully targeted so as not to waste energy
in fruitless chases for the impossible.
15 April- 12 May Albatross
Has a tendency to have a mind that
wanders, but when in search of a
particular goal, will travel great lengths
to achieve it. Occasionally, the albatross
may become caught up in things it
shouldn't when not seeing clearly enough.
13 May - 9 June Dove
Peace-loving by nature, doves will bill
and coo about things close to their heart.
They enjoy a fulfilling love-life and
rarely fail to satisfy. They are also
patient, adaptable and personable. Their
lack of aggression sometimes makes them
the victim of more predatory characters.
10 June-7 July Eagle
A well-respected figure which has
excellent visionary qualities. Eagles will
truck no nonsense and will fix opponents
with a powerful stare. They have the power
to rise above the trivial aspects of
humanity, and are highly talented.
8 July-4 August Nightingale
More often heard before being seen,
nightingales always have something to say
for themselves. They are however very much
in tune with their partners. Their
unimpressive exterior hides a personality
that is just waiting to burst out.
5 August- 1 Sept Kingfisher
Another flamboyant and colorful character
that is always exciting to encounter. They
rush around at great speed and have a
close spiritual affinity with water. They
have a sharp and perceptive head on them,
but can make them impetuous enough to dive
in where others would fear to go.
2 Sept- 29 Sept Swan
The swan is a complex character. While
appearing on the surface as a calm and
relaxed individual, underneath they are
working hard to keep up with the pace of
modern life. If provoked their natural
graceful demeanor can give way to a
violent temper which puts them in a flap.
They are definitely someone to have on
your side.
30 Sept - 27 Oct Woodpecker
A tough, hard-working character with
plenty of stamina. Has no problem drumming
up support for their ideas, no matter how
wacky they seem. With a lateral-thinking
mind they are skilled at dissecting
problems and seeing the wood for the
trees. However, with their noisy and
exuberant life style , you might not want to
have one as a neighbor.
28 Oct- 24 Nov Kestrel
A sharp brain helps kestrel people hover
from one subject to another without losing
concentration. They focus on their life's
goal with a single-minded focus, not
flustered by what is going on around them.
A confidence in their own ability helps
them to soar to heights others may only
dream of.
25 Nov - 23 Dec Raven
Always impressive, raven people are a
tower of strength. They are more
intelligent t
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't
LMAO... that was great....
you know, I've noticed that a lot of people would read my comments and never reply.
Are they dumb?
I mean the comments. 😛
Are they dumb?
I mean the comments. 😛
CORPORATE JOKES
Performance Appraisal Terms & their Meanings:-
OUTGOING PERSONALITY- Always goes out of the Office.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- Not So Bright
EXCEPIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no blunder yet.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY- Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY- Spouse drinks a lot too.
INDEPENDENT WORKER- Nobody knows waht s/he does.
QUICK THINKING- Offers plausible excuses.
CAREFUL THINKER- Won't make a decision.
AGGRESSIVE- Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS- Gets someoneelse to do it.
EXPRESSES THEMSEVES WELL- Speaks good English.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL- A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES- Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT- Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR- KNows a lot of dirty jokes.
CAREER MINDED- Back stabber.
LOYAL- Can't get a job anywhere else.
Performance Appraisal Terms & their Meanings:-
OUTGOING PERSONALITY- Always goes out of the Office.
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE- Not So Bright
EXCEPIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED- Made no blunder yet.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY-Too ugly to get a date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY- Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY- Spouse drinks a lot too.
INDEPENDENT WORKER- Nobody knows waht s/he does.
QUICK THINKING- Offers plausible excuses.
CAREFUL THINKER- Won't make a decision.
AGGRESSIVE- Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS- Gets someoneelse to do it.
EXPRESSES THEMSEVES WELL- Speaks good English.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL- A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES- Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT- Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR- KNows a lot of dirty jokes.
CAREER MINDED- Back stabber.
LOYAL- Can't get a job anywhere else.
hehe
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office but she
belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let
me screw you but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would
have to consult her boyfriend so she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 200 dollars, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get
his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the
proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY
belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let
me screw you but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would
have to consult her boyfriend so she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 200 dollars, pick up
the money very fast, he won't even be able to get
his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the
proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY
lmao......
Repeats but who cares !
* CORPORATE LESSON # 1 *
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $ 800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
* CORPORATE LESSON # 2 *
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!
* CORPORATE LESSON # 1 *
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $ 800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $ 800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
* CORPORATE LESSON # 2 *
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!
Maybe it is old old one...But what the hell...let the dxpnetians read ot once more
ENGLISH SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
>>>>
>>>>In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
>>>>FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
>>>>
>>>>Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
>>>>CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
>>>>
>>>>Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
>>>>
>>>>Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST
>>>>RESULTS."
>>>>
>>>>In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE
>>>>OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
>>>>
>>>>On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN
>>>>THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
>>>>
>>>>On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO,
>>>>WE CAN HELP."
>>>>
>>>>In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
>>>>
>>>>In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM
>>>>ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
>>>>
>>>>Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
>>>>SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
>>>>
>>>>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING
>>>>TO HOPE FOR."
>>>>
>>>>In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS
>>>>THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
>>>>CHAMBERMAID."
>>>>
>>>>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>>>>monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
>>>>RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
>>>>DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
>>>>
>>>>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY
>>>>FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
>>>>DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
>>>>TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS
>>>>OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE
>>>>LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
>>>>
>>>>Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE
>>>>ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
>>>>
>>>>Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND
>>>>THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
>>>>
>>>>A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
ENGLISH SIGNS IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
>>>>
>>>>In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
>>>>FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
>>>>
>>>>Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
>>>>CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
>>>>
>>>>Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
>>>>
>>>>Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST
>>>>RESULTS."
>>>>
>>>>In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE
>>>>OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
>>>>
>>>>On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN
>>>>THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
>>>>
>>>>On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO,
>>>>WE CAN HELP."
>>>>
>>>>In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
>>>>
>>>>In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM
>>>>ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
>>>>
>>>>Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
>>>>SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
>>>>
>>>>On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING
>>>>TO HOPE FOR."
>>>>
>>>>In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS
>>>>THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
>>>>CHAMBERMAID."
>>>>
>>>>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
>>>>monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
>>>>RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
>>>>DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
>>>>
>>>>A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY
>>>>FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
>>>>DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
>>>>TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
>>>>
>>>>Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS
>>>>OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE
>>>>LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
>>>>
>>>>Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE
>>>>ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
>>>>
>>>>Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND
>>>>THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
>>>>
>>>>A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →Related Topics
I dont know maybe it has more to do with the way he was raised than being a cancer thing. It seems that my cancer is always working (because he is). I am left feeling like there is no time in his life to be with his family (us). He has always been a hard
When somebody's Mars falls in your 5th house, heart-pounding reactions and strong romantic/sexual desires and crushes can be activated. The Mars person WANTS you, although the attraction may not last long unless there are other stable aspects and position
The CANCER Man
"I sometimes dig for butter rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs:
I sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of Hansom-cabs:
And that's the way," (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-
And very gladly
"I sometimes dig for butter rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs:
I sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of Hansom-cabs:
And that's the way," (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-
And very gladly
Hi! I am goign crazy. I have a severe crush on this virgo male who has big dreamy champagne colour eyes. he is 18 yrs younger than me! I think he also likes me, but like a typical virgoan always speaks about principles and avoids me most of the time. but
I am a Scorpio woman in deep pain.....
you know how they say still waters run deep well the pain I feel may fill up the bottomless pit... My Cancer male that I have gave not only my heart but all of me to lately has been drifting away from me. We have
you know how they say still waters run deep well the pain I feel may fill up the bottomless pit... My Cancer male that I have gave not only my heart but all of me to lately has been drifting away from me. We have
hi, I am comitted with cancer man and I am unable to understand him. At times he is so warm that he makes me melt and at times he has this cold shoulder and a formal look. He tells me that he loves me very much that I am the only woman in his life and hi
i have a lot of negativity swirling around my head. i dont find this life exciting anymore. i know this is a state of mind, but i cant change it. the things that i want the most are the things that elude me. am i asking too much? of myself and others? i
Ok, I'm a Scorpio, Cancer is one of the signs I'm compatible with, well that's what it says at least. Now the problem with this is...I wanna know is it me or are you guys some SENSITIVE CREATURES? OMG I wanna pull out my hair! I really do. My best guy fri
First time posting looking for much needed help with a cancer man i have a serious crush on. We've been going to the same gym for over a year but we've never actually met. I fell for him the fisrt time i saw him. I think he likes me too by the way he look
Have we chased you away with our topics of conversation lately— TW2
Please see my previous post about cancers and comminication. I still need some help. I did not quite get the andwers I was looking for. Thanks TW2
Ive been with a cancer for over two years, and one of the areas we seem to have difficulty is communicating about personal things (or relationship issues). That is the single most difficult aspect of this relationship for me. Are all cancers stand offish
Do crabs ever create a little (emotional or communicative) distance between themselves and their friends, or romantic prospects, on purpose? If so, what could the possible reasons for this be?
Does any body have nay comments..good or bad about CAncer women.
Every single book I read says we suck together! Does anyone have any feedback? :-) I have been dating a Gem for 2 years now and sometimes it does suck. hahahah
I heard this is a good combo. Does anyone have any insights, good or bad to offer?
(also posted on Misc. board)
I have a friend (a cancer) who is going to be coming to the states (he lives in a different country now, but was born and raised here) in a couple months. He's a good friend of mine, also an ex (but we only briefly da
I have a friend (a cancer) who is going to be coming to the states (he lives in a different country now, but was born and raised here) in a couple months. He's a good friend of mine, also an ex (but we only briefly da
my cancer bfd made me very jealous w/a coworker. (she called him at home).....so i retaliated by saying great stuff about my cutie boss. i regret it and hope he forgives me. i dont like my boss. i was just pissed that some girl called him at 9 am! i was v
CANCER: Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of mothe
I'm discontent too goddam it! (In reference to comments you made on "who would you like to meet..." on the misc board).
It sounds like your job is interesting and creative but maybe you have been doing it for too long and maybe the only thing ke
It sounds like your job is interesting and creative but maybe you have been doing it for too long and maybe the only thing ke
>
>Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love?and liked to be
>loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be "moody" at times. Capable with
>people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people
>that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel comfortable.
YOU ARE KILLING ME LOONEYBIRD! Where do you get this stuff? This is SO ME!
Cancerlady