Can I be 'friends' with recent Cap Ex?

There's a lot of emotion in this post, so fair warning.

I was dating a Cap guy for almost a year, and it was admittedly tumultuous. I even broke it off a few times during the summer and fall because I was hearing rumors that he was cheating on me and it freaked me out - I just wanted space from the situation at the time because a lot of things didn't line up, he was still partying a lot (which upset me because he would turn into a frat boy whenever that happened) and I just felt like it'd be best for me to step back. I had a lot of gut reaction suspicions, but each time I walked away he found a way to reel me back in. I'm a Cap sun, but Venus and Mars Pisces and I hate holding grudges - I can forgive almost anyone. I had also fallen in love with him, so this was a big fat mess.

Anyway we had horrible fights around one of the breakups, but he fought to see me, we found a way to reconcile and through the fall and early winter we were giving it another go, I thought. He had told me he loved me and we were NEVER 'just friends' - I didn't feel the need to nitpick what exactly we were or ask for labels, and we'd always said we were exclusive to each other so I didn't want to drive him away by bugging him about any of that this go-round.

But then he went on a trip for two weeks from December into January (including NYE). I went to friend him on facebook during this time - something we had purposely waited on bc we both had facebook drama with people we were dating in this past. I had asked him before his trip (he came to see me the night before, told me he loved me, spent the night, said he'd bring me back something great, etc.), who he was going with and he told me just two of his friends - a couple. He said he was gonna be third wheeling it the entire time. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I went to friend him on facebook and found out he was actually there with another girl - a 'friend' of his I'd asked about previously when people were telling me he was seeing other girls, because he'd hang with her but lie and say he was with his buddies I had met already. I did the math and realized all the weirdness we went through probably meant he DID have a girlfriend, and was lying to me this entire time.

(continued🙂 I confronted him as soon as he was back. This is where I am ashamed of myself because he STILL somehow managed to convince me he was innocent. He said that girl was just a friend he'd known for years,and absolutely nothing romantic at all to him and he didn't have feelings for her at all, but he didn't tell me she was going along because I had 'been weird' about her in the past and broken things off in my suspicions. But lying is one of my major deal breakers - and suspicion someone is cheating on me is very hard for me to shake. I don't go there easily, and I felt like this was extremely shady. He also did not accept my friend request (go figure, but whatever. It's ****ing facebook).

Needless to say, things broke down pretty quickly and he said we should just be friends. But in the three weeks since then, he started coming over, took me out to dinner, told me he loves me many times, and talked to me almost every day - I finally said if we were acting this way I couldn't just be friends. He said he agreed, things are too romantic. But a week went by and I confronted this again saying he was confusing me, and he said 'I thought we agreed to transition to being just friends.' Meaning.. by continuing to pursue me and be romantic to me, he thought eventually we would just....... be friends—!!!

I take responsibility for my part in all this, but I feel incredibly overwhelmed and played. I really had his back for a long time, and now I see how stupid that was. I don't have a desire to be with him in any way or be just friends, at least definitely not anytime soon... but if I say that to him, it will only invite a conflict I don't want with him (been there, done that). Do I just never respond to him again? Cut him out?

And yes, I am embarrassed that I hung on as long as I did - please no judgment; I'm mad enough at myself for that. Now I just want out completely.

Thanks for reading.

Break up text.
Block his number.
Block him from your fb.

Heal. Then carry on.
He does not deserve your forgiveness for that manipulation.
It will be hard, but worth it. Good luck.

I agree - I have never ended things in that manner before (all my exes were very long term and our breakups were hard of course, but I think we are genuine friends. Things just didn't work out).

But yes, I agree, this was obviously a horse of a different color.

and then they say CAPS don't love drama 😄

ha, seriously, this was the most dramatic!

I'm a cap though and I honestly do not like drama. But I'm also stupidly faithful when I fall in love and I kept trying to make it work. Anyway obviously lesson learned.

It is going to be extremely hard for me, and I know that - mostly because I think this situation requires me to act completely differently from how I normally would. I like to tie up loose ends with people and forgive, but every time I've stood up for myself to him, he's responded coldly/ cruelly or confused me into 'agreeing' to a situation I was never comfortable with...

I think probably cutting him out is the only - literally the last - solution. Even texting him or emailing to declare the forthcoming silence would give him too much at this point. I blocked him everywhere. Now I just need to find a way to get over all the madness.

Thanks guys.

Well, I have updates that might serve the other confused women out there who are dealing with a cap man like my ex.

He did reach out to say he 'hoped I was okay' after the awful convo we had, and I ignored it and moved on as much as possible. I even had a date on valentine's day 🙂 and have been feeling a lot better with him out of the picture, incapable of making me so confused.

Then he texted me again the other day saying something about how he'd tried to reach me on whatsapp (which I didn't even still have in my phone, but I guess the account was active) while he was out of the country over valentine's day weekend, and that he would really like to talk. So I checked those messages, and on valentine's night he had sent two drunk-seeming texts my way saying he was out of the country and hoped I was doing okay (what is with his need to ask if I'm ok??I'm not even speaking to you. I'm fine. Get over yourself.)

I responded saying I didn't think talking would be smart at this point - that I was fine, and he didn't need to worry about that, and I hoped he was doing well too. He THEN proceeded ... to ask me for a favor "as a friend" since he knew I didn't want to talk to him, and asked me to link him up with an old co-worker I was introducing him to last month before everything fell apart because she was a good connection for him to get his dream job with that company.

I haven't done anything with this, and haven't spoken back since his last text, but I am so angry he would even ask me for a favor at this point. I know helping him is inappropriate,but I also did really love him and wanted to see him achieve his dreams. This is killing me. Best response is obviously not to help, right? I had sent him her email address before so my personally introducing the two of them via email seems over the top considering right now I'm just trying to get over him...

Seriously, are all capricorn men narcissists— (I know no, and that's a generalization, but this struck me as ... ballsy, I guess, is the word.)

I don't think you should help him out, but, just based on my experience with my Cap (who isn't a dickhead btw so might be different motivations and so on) I think he wants a personal intro with your coworker friend as an excuse to see you in person- YOU not her- although that would be a nice side bonus career wise for him I'm sure.
Ye olde 'Two birds, one stone'... Caps are masters at that one!

Posted by Rambunctious76

Posted by aquapiscescusp
and then they say CAPS don't love drama 😄

Sometimes the aversion to drama tends to create more drama.

click to expand

Yes, you're right. Obviously by my trying to disengage from a potentially volatile situation that has me heartbroken, I'm just trying to create more drama.

...

Thanks for that helpful advice! ha.

Posted by wagtail
I don't think you should help him out, but, just based on my experience with my Cap (who isn't a dickhead btw so might be different motivations and so on) I think he wants a personal intro with your coworker friend as an excuse to see you in person- YOU not her- although that would be a nice side bonus career wise for him I'm sure.
Ye olde 'Two birds, one stone'... Caps are masters at that one!

I'm not sure - it would only have been an email intro (still a little awkward for me since it would mean essentially being like 'Hi old colleague I don't know well, let me introduce you to this guy you don't know who wants to work for the company you work for!' And then she'd feel obligated to email him in return. I actually just feel like it would be putting her in a weird position since she's not even doing the hiring - she was just basically taking his resume from me to give to the people who are at her company.

But who knows his intentions. All I know is I feel quite torn.

Posted by champranger

Posted by capshoot

Posted by Rambunctious76

Posted by aquapiscescusp
and then they say CAPS don't love drama 😄

Sometimes the aversion to drama tends to create more drama.

Yes, you're right. Obviously by my trying to disengage from a potentially volatile situation that has me heartbroken, I'm just trying to create more drama.

...

Thanks for that helpful advice! ha.

I think there are kinds of situations where it is meant for you to face it head on and that the more you avoid, the more trouble it brings.

click to expand

Very true, but I haven't avoided anything. We broke up. It was painful. And every time we have broken up - over various major deal-breaking issues - he has found a way to reel me back in by just talking to me. I need time to get over him since it's over, and that's what I have been trying to do. It's not a game - I'm not trying to win him back, I'm trying to move on.

Yep I did, sorry if I was unclear in my last post - I told him I didn't think it was wise for us to talk anymore because the last conversation made clear his intentions (wanting to just be friends), and I didn't want us to hurt or confuse each other any more. I said I was moving on, and everything was fine, and I hoped he was well.

He RESPONDED to that by asking me to do him a favor and connect him with my old work colleagues.

Posted by capshoot
Well, I have updates that might serve the other confused women out there who are dealing with a cap man like my ex.

He did reach out to say he 'hoped I was okay' after the awful convo we had, and I ignored it and moved on as much as possible. I even had a date on valentine's day 🙂 and have been feeling a lot better with him out of the picture, incapable of making me so confused.

Then he texted me again the other day saying something about how he'd tried to reach me on whatsapp (which I didn't even still have in my phone, but I guess the account was active) while he was out of the country over valentine's day weekend, and that he would really like to talk. So I checked those messages, and on valentine's night he had sent two drunk-seeming texts my way saying he was out of the country and hoped I was doing okay (what is with his need to ask if I'm ok??I'm not even speaking to you. I'm fine. Get over yourself.)

I responded saying I didn't think talking would be smart at this point - that I was fine, and he didn't need to worry about that, and I hoped he was doing well too. He THEN proceeded ... to ask me for a favor "as a friend" since he knew I didn't want to talk to him, and asked me to link him up with an old co-worker I was introducing him to last month before everything fell apart because she was a good connection for him to get his dream job with that company.

I haven't done anything with this, and haven't spoken back since his last text, but I am so angry he would even ask me for a favor at this point. I know helping him is inappropriate,but I also did really love him and wanted to see him achieve his dreams. This is killing me. Best response is obviously not to help, right? I had sent him her email address before so my personally introducing the two of them via email seems over the top considering right now I'm just trying to get over him...

Seriously, are all capricorn men narcissists— (I know no, and that's a generalization, but this struck me as ... ballsy, I guess, is the word.)

The middle section: "I responded saying I didn't think talking would be smart at this point..." etc.

I understand what you are going thorough. At this stage you are totally confused. My opinion would be to cut off all ties with him until your emotions become stable. Avoid all his calls, text and emails. Use this time to think about your future with him after that if you don't want to continue then just friendship is useless. Lover can never become friend all of this will ultimately lead to more confusion. as far as i know caps nothing they do or say is without purpose. it seems obvious to me that he said he just wants to be friends only because you were not willing to talk. He will climb the mountain step by step. Take your time, think about it calmly then take a decision and stand by it. All the best 🙂

Posted by anna1
I understand what you are going thorough. At this stage you are totally confused. My opinion would be to cut off all ties with him until your emotions become stable. Avoid all his calls, text and emails. Use this time to think about your future with him after that if you don't want to continue then just friendship is useless. Lover can never become friend all of this will ultimately lead to more confusion. as far as i know caps nothing they do or say is without purpose. it seems obvious to me that he said he just wants to be friends only because you were not willing to talk. He will climb the mountain step by step. Take your time, think about it calmly then take a decision and stand by it. All the best 🙂

Thank you for this. I think what I've been feeling so bad about is not talking to him, but to me it just feels like dragging out an already insanely hurtful and heartbreaking process for me. I can't possibly really know what his motives are or how he feels, but I know every time I talk to him a lot of hurt comes through and I don't trust my ability to sift through that right now in the right way.

I have to just have faith that being quiet is the right move right now - for him and me both because I can't be a lover to him right now AND I can't be friend right now. I'm too angry either way about things and like you said - nothing is clear.

You are very kind, thank you for your advice.

Wanted to end this thread with the final update, because it's pretty good - sad, but good, and i think the best way it could've ended.

Essentially, he kept asking to talk. I figured he meant just on the phone, and finally I said "okay, let me know when." Instead, as was probably mentioned earlier, he asked to come over. I don't why I said yes, I guess I just sort of surrendered at this point knowing one way or another, I needed the closure on this. I had thought long and hard in my silence the weeks before.

So he came over. He had a cold 😢. He was definitely vulnerable and basically, he didn't even say anything to me, just asked ME to talk to him about what I was thinking. I hadn't planned on this (I was used to him coming to me and talking me into getting back with him in some form or another), so I decided to just give him the run down of what I had experienced - what my side of this relationship has felt like for the past year. I listed how he got drunk in Michigan with his friends and decided to send me sexually explicit texts (not the good kind, the weird, degrading kind), and a pic of girls draped on him with him beaming proudly with his arms wrapped around them. I brought up the lies. The refusal to let me into his life. How he ambushed me with accusations out of nowhere and called me names. How he cursed me out when I tried to break things off. How he made me feel like something he was ashamed of. The trip with the other girl - and then lying to my face (AGAIN WITH THE LIES) after. Telling me he loved me and asking to meet my entire family, before disappearing for days to go clubbing and do ecstasy. The list went on and on - I didn't even realize how much damage had been done until I was sitting there, looking him in the eyes and pouring my heart out. He was tearful and asked if any of my friends and family - who had, at one time, supported our relationship - even thought he was a good man anymore and I told him how they had all on separate occasions pulled me aside to tell me to run from him as fast as I could. I think at that point (nothing worse for a cap than knowing your reputation is probably wrecked, but that wasn't what I was intending and I had always had his back), he realized the damage was done beyond anything he could ever repair.

I was impressed he let me say all this. He didn't fight me on a single point. He was sorry, told me he meant it when he said he loved me and that he still does. He seemed genuinely lost on why he tr

I was impressed he let me say all this. He didn't fight me on a single point. He was sorry, told me he meant it when he said he loved me and that he still does. He seemed genuinely lost on why he treated me the way he did, he just kept saying I was not wrong, and it wasn't my fault. He kissed me of course and that was a mistake because I still love him deeply and missed him. But regardless, I guess that was our goodbye because he's only texted a couple times in the last week or so to see how I am. (I think I said I was okay. I'm not, this sucks, but I will be).

Anyway, that's the end. I've been on a date already (premature, definitely, but I felt like I needed to accept a date from someone who seemed genuinely interested and stable in the name of MOVING ON), but it will take a long long time to get over this Cap Man.