Why did he get so upset with me?

Hey Caps. I'll be frequenting this board more often as I'm dating a Capricorn atm. Same guy I posted about a week ago ("Did this Cap "ask me out"?).
Everything is fine now, but I've been ruminating a bit over what happened.

On Friday, he didn't really text me at all, and I was a bit worried since we usually spoke daily. I've been through some bad experiences so I assumed the worst and was very worried. I tried to not freak out, but just kinda talk about my concern. It wasn't met warmly. I asked him on Saturday to message me when he woke up, and that it was somewhat serious so he should make sure he has time.

"I have been kinda ruminating over this for a day or two and I figured since I dreamt about it last night I should probably say something about it. It kinda makes me feel bad when I see you being active on Facebook but not texting me. I understand that you told me that you are generally bad with your phone but I'm assuming that if you're on FB you're on your phone. I'm sorry if this comes across as petty, but it definitely bothered me that I don't think I would have heard from you yesterday if I hadn't said something. * And I know there's no tone in FB messages, but I'm hoping this isn't reading as attacking or me trying to come after you. I'm just trying to express how I'm feeling."

His reply was this:
"So here is the thing. When I'm with my family, I don't use my phone, but I have it on loud in case of notifications. Reason I don't use my phone is that I basically spent my entire high school career on my own. Yesterday, being my dad's birthday and me spending from 7 am to 4 pm at doctor's offices, I didn't bother really paying much attention to my phone. You know how we are in that psychology group chat? I am in three of those, I assume those are important (most of the time not) so I go and give those a quick check. So yeah, technically I'm on my phone, but mainly to get rid of the notifications. My priority is focusing on my family when I'm with them"

I felt like the tone was very condescending, and I felt guilt-tripped. It would have been fine if he hadn't texted me if I had this context, but I feel like there's no way I could have known what was actually going on. I didn't realize it was so important to him, and I was making assumptions without context until he gave me the said context that could have helped me avoid this altogether. I know it's not necessarily something that just comes up in casual conversation, but still.

Lesson learned, if he doesn't text me, leave him the hell alone, or else I get chewed out. I know that now. But was it something I said or did? Was there a tone behind my messages? What did I say or do to get such a reaction, and how can I avoid doing that again the next time I want to talk about something, or the next time we have a conflict?

You're being demanding, overthinking things, and need to calm the fuck down. He had every right to get short with you because you're not even exclusive and you're making attention whoring demands because you don't like that he has a life outside of you.

Calm the hell down and live your life. This clingy, controlling shit is just going to ruin everything for you.

I personally don't feel that a single text a day is excessively demanding, especially not when almost (not trying to generalize him) everybody has their phone glued to their hand. I understand that you think that one day going without communication isn't that bad, and it probably isn't, but I don't really know him all that well and as much as everyone said he's a nice guy, you never know. I don't mean to overthink things but I'm absolutely terrified of getting hurt, and I was worried. I understand my worries are usually irrational but telling myself that doesn't always mean they go away.

I'm really trying to work on myself here at a personal level, but changing bad behaviors takes time and practice, and I know I'm not gonna learn how to chill out unless I go through the situation of uncertainty like this several times and figure out how to deal with it. I know some people have told me I should just be single, but being single won't help me learn to deal with my issues. I think I have to face them head on in order to learn how to deal with them. I haven't been in a serious relationship in seven months, and I don't think running from relationships cause I have problems is a good idea.

He told me when we went out for the first time that for him, it's only one girl, even just with texting. He doesn't date around like I do/did. If he's already making an exclusivity commitment, I'm not necessarily attention-whoring. Clingy? Fine, I was acting clingy. But it's not attention-whoring.

I don't text him anymore unless he messages me first. I'm gonna keep that commitment as well. Nor am I planning on double-texting (sending another text when he hasn't responded to my last one). I also am planning on living my life.

Also, not trying to be controlling. If I was trying to be controlling. I never said when I approached him that he didn't care because he didn't text me. I said that I FEEL that way, and feelings are not truths. I didn't come accusing him of anything, or trying to say he's a bad boyfriend. All I was trying to do was tell him how I feel, and I think I would be open and receptive to him if he wanted to tell me how he felt about something. Whether or not he PERCEIVED I was accusing him of not caring is a different story, because I couldn't read his mind.

Posted by yamilette7410
I felt like the tone was very condescending, and I felt guilt-tripped. It would have been fine if he hadn't texted me if I had this context, but I feel like there's no way I could have known what was actually going on. I didn't realize it was so important to him, and I was making assumptions without context until he gave me the said context that could have helped me avoid this altogether. I know it's not necessarily something that just comes up in casual conversation, but still.

Lesson learned, if he doesn't text me, leave him the hell alone, or else I get chewed out. I know that now. But was it something I said or did? Was there a tone behind my messages? What did I say or do to get such a reaction, and how can I avoid doing that again the next time I want to talk about something, or the next time we have a conflict?

You should feel guilty. You responded to his lack of attention had neediness written all over it. You got all butt hurt and he was with him family. You HAVE to give him some freedom. You HAVE to be secure (insecurity and neediness is the biggest turn off of all to a cap). I think his answer was very factual and true. Don't take it personally if he's busy and doesn't text you. You didn't get "chewed out" he was making sure you understood that it wasn't about you. Loosen up, girl. You haven't been dating him that long and if you don't relax, you won't be dating him much longer. So chill.

Pressure, neediness, smothering and nagging is the fastest way to lose a man.

Posted by yamilette7410
I don't text him anymore unless he messages me first. I'm gonna keep that commitment as well. Nor am I planning on double-texting (sending another text when he hasn't responded to my last one). I also am planning on living my life.

Also, not trying to be controlling. If I was trying to be controlling. I never said when I approached him that he didn't care because he didn't text me. I said that I FEEL that way, and feelings are not truths. I didn't come accusing him of anything, or trying to say he's a bad boyfriend. All I was trying to do was tell him how I feel, and I think I would be open and receptive to him if he wanted to tell me how he felt about something. Whether or not he PERCEIVED I was accusing him of not caring is a different story, because I couldn't read his mind.

It's too early in your relationship to be compliaining about things. You should be happy when you do hear from him instead of being worried when you don't. A confident, mature woman is so busy being active that she doesn't even notice he didn't text.

Oh, and I'm not "chewing you out". I'm trying to give you a perspective outside of your own. Trying to help.

Thank you for the advice, TrueCap. I really tried to word it as neutrally as I could so it would read that this is how I feel, and I understand that my feelings most likely don't reflect the truth. I'm guessing it didn't come out that way, or there's no way that it could have.

I knew his family was in town, he had told me prior, but I didn't understand that it meant he would be ignoring his phone completely. I am 100% okay now with giving him freedom. I thought I was prior but I guess not. I was freaking out that maybe I was getting played or that I had committed to a player. Again, super irrational, I know, especially with the prior knowledge that his family was in town. I think really paranoid, and I know Caps are the more truthful signs, not very likely to be deceptive.

When I did reply to his message, I explained that that was the back story I needed and that I didn't have the proper context. I did try to explain that I was just trying to tell him how I felt and that I understood that my feelings most likely weren't an accurate reflection of the truth.

It's really unfortunate because...well, in public and in class (where we met) I exude confidence and have no problem speaking my mind, marching to the Beat of my own drum, or leading a group discussion. Unfortunately, I'm really insecure in my interpersonal relationships, and it's a part of a diagnosable condition I have that I'm seeing a counselor for and getting treatment for. This insecurity is pretty much consistent for me and nearly impossible to overcome, but I'm working really really hard on it, and I don't think I'll learn to address my insecurity if I just hide from relationships and go back to dating and no-strings sexual relationships. I'm trying to change as best I can.

The only reason I said I felt guilt-tripped was because I ran it by my Scorpio and Virgo female friends who don't attend the same university and they said there was an issue with the tone, but maybe that's how Caps are, and I'm just unfamiliar with it. I have never been in an exclusive relationship with a Capricorn.

I no longer take it personally if I don't hear from him. I'm really trying hard to relax and not be any of the things you mentioned, but if I were to be frank, I'm worried about making more mistakes and it's really hard to not want to jump ship because I'm scared I'm going to continue making mistakes, and I'd rather he be in my life as just a friend and not lose him to a relationship. But I also know at some point, I have to take responsibility for my actions and not run and hide because I THINK I will mess up again.

cheekyfaerie, I am absolutely terrified of being in this and ruining it for us by my own doing, but I also don't want to run and not hold my self accountable for my choices and decisions by removing the accountability altogether. I'm just not very good at these things. I know I eventually have to face the music and not reject the opportunity for something good just because I'm scared and act as a child does, refusing to participate because I might not get my way or because I might make a mistake.

I'm going to work incredibly hard on not overthinking and just enjoying it.

My Mercury is in Libra, his is in Aquarius. However, my Mercury squares his Sun and his Neptune.

That's true, and I try to remind myself about it. Be must have been watching for a while because I didn't even have a clue he cared about me besides what my first name was until he asked me to hang out.

The oxytocin has already started, the synastry did bless us with a Venus and Pluto conjunction.

I'm going to keep that in mind. I posted the aspects on Reddit and a user did say we would have a difficult time communicating, but just another thing to overcome as all relationships have things to overcome.

HAHA! Yes, my Scorpio Venus conjuncts his Sagittarius Pluto.

Full synastry for anyone who cares:


My Scorpio Sun squares his Aquarius Mars

My Libra Mercury squares his Capricorn Sun and Capricorn Neptune

My Scorpio Venus sextiles his Capricorn Sun and conjuncts his Sagittarius Pluto

My Pisces Saturn conjuncts his Pisces Saturn

My Capricorn Uranus conjuncts his Capricorn Sun, Aquarius Mercury, Aquarius Uranus, and Capricorn Neptune

My Capricorn Neptune conjuncts his Capricorn Sun and Capricorn Neptune

My Scorpio Pluto sextiles his Aquarius Mercury and Aquarius Uranus, squares his Pisces Venus, and conjuncts his Sagittarius Pluto

if one of your needs is daily contact while his need is to be left alone while doing other things...then you'll get frustrated in time...
we are who we are...one can't compromise their needs, only their wants...

I have got to be honest with you. When I read your posts I actually cringed. This is not a cap thing - it's a people thing. I would have been just as short with you as he was...possibly more so. Your actions were needy, clingy and borderline disrespectful. Breathe, stop smothering him - let him be his own person.

And also, remember that if he has no interests or cares beside you, he will become boring, and you don't want that, now do you?

HappyCapper, I know it's not a Cap thing now, but I was mostly asking for Caps perspective on how it read, and if there was something I did or said that specifically to Caps was disrespectful or anything like that. I no longer smother him over text, and we continue to date and make the most of the Venus-Pluto conjunction.

Gobshite, I'm not sure, but having a Scorpio Sun and Scorpio Venus makes my love life a bit...intense sometimes. I saw on Reddit that women who are Scorp Sun Scorp Venus have the same psychological condition I have.

Posted by yamilette7410
HappyCapper, I know it's not a Cap thing now, but I was mostly asking for Caps perspective on how it read, and if there was something I did or said that specifically to Caps was disrespectful or anything like that. I no longer smother him over text, and we continue to date and make the most of the Venus-Pluto conjunction.

Gobshite, I'm not sure, but having a Scorpio Sun and Scorpio Venus makes my love life a bit...intense sometimes. I saw on Reddit that women who are Scorp Sun Scorp Venus have the same psychological condition I have.

Good to hear! Best wishes! 🙂