lotuslily
@lotuslily
14 Years1,000+ PostsAries
Comments: 4 · Posts: 1107 · Topics: 77
Please help again Leos...with FWB issue
Like.... he shares with me and talks to me about his problems and he would ask about my problems and how I was and try and reassure me that everything would be ok. We really did have a friendship aspect.
Just curious as to why he hasn't said anything back at all! Thought it was a bit ill mannered... Like I did try and end it as gracefully as possible and even wished him well. But nothing from him at all!
You did develop feelings for him. As much as you tried to hide it, he saw it. This thread is clearly evidence of that. And guess what...it's ok.
I wouldn't expect anything else from him in turns of well...ANYTHING.
I think he may have just wanted out and found a reason. It would be difficult to keep any man around for 4 months using sex as the proverbial carrot. I mean it does become routine and predictable after awhile.
Nonetheless, you said you had fun. So it seems to have been worth it.
I wouldn't expect anything else from him in turns of well...ANYTHING.
I think he may have just wanted out and found a reason. It would be difficult to keep any man around for 4 months using sex as the proverbial carrot. I mean it does become routine and predictable after awhile.
Nonetheless, you said you had fun. So it seems to have been worth it.
FWB rarely ends well.
😢
😢
Posted by JynjaThanks Jynja... so do you think that by saying that all the time, he was actually asking for me to end it so he could walk away guilt free?
Well, you've been dismissed from court so that is that. It feels cruel because he's detached totally, but it is what it is. His pride must have taken a hit because you ended things, and that you didn't understand that continually telling you this was just fun meant he was having insecure moments about his ability to be with a woman - likely any woman (fwb, gf, wife) makes it easier for him to just walk away.
I suggest you don't take it personally. It's the way some of us are wired.
You might not believe it, but I'm terribly sorry you went through this. *Hugs*
Looks to me more like he was developing feelings and he was reassuring himself by telling you not to. Once you told him to bugger off his ego got injured and he left.
Posted by Nala13
You did develop feelings for him. As much as you tried to hide it, he saw it. This thread is clearly evidence of that. And guess what...it's ok.
I wouldn't expect anything else from him in turns of well...ANYTHING.
I think he may have just wanted out and found a reason. It would be difficult to keep any man around for 4 months using sex as the proverbial carrot. I mean it does become routine and predictable after awhile.
Nonetheless, you said you had fun. So it seems to have been worth it.
I did like him as a person and I would always look forward to our next time together - which wasn't very often, but that doesn't mean I developed feelings. I just decided to show him a softer side of me because he was treating me decently and I felt he deserved to see a nicer side of me than other wankers out there.
Ummm... as for the sex... we REALLY enjoyed having sex with each other, and it was always something new. I doubt that was the problem.
Posted by incandescentcancer
Looks to me more like he was developing feelings and he was reassuring himself by telling you not to. Once you told him to bugger off his ego got injured and he left.
Two people have told me this... but I took what he was saying at face value because we were always straightforward from the start. So he told me I was for fun and so I made sure to keep myself in check.
Posted by lotuslilyPosted by incandescentcancer
Looks to me more like he was developing feelings and he was reassuring himself by telling you not to. Once you told him to bugger off his ego got injured and he left.
Two people have told me this... but I took what he was saying at face value because we were always straightforward from the start. So he told me I was for fun and so I made sure to keep myself in check.click to expand
Things are never as they seem to be with any star sign. If only life was that easy....
@Jynja: The situation isn't really that cut and dry... it's not that simple. He has 3 kids (with two women). The second ended about 7 months ago, but he said they hadn't really had a real relationship for two years and that they were just together for the child.
I understood plain well I would never be a priority in his life, I knew his kids come first, work second -- as he needs to provide for his kids) and then his friends and family and me... thrown somewhere in the mix when he had a free day. He and I both started this knowing we weren't going into it forever, so it was never an interview for the 'one'. Besides... we have both said we don't even want to get married. We started this knowing it would end one day... and the only promise we made to each other at the start was to keep things light and joyful and not to get heavy or serious on each other. I feel I stuck to my end of the bargain word for word.
I understood plain well I would never be a priority in his life, I knew his kids come first, work second -- as he needs to provide for his kids) and then his friends and family and me... thrown somewhere in the mix when he had a free day. He and I both started this knowing we weren't going into it forever, so it was never an interview for the 'one'. Besides... we have both said we don't even want to get married. We started this knowing it would end one day... and the only promise we made to each other at the start was to keep things light and joyful and not to get heavy or serious on each other. I feel I stuck to my end of the bargain word for word.
Yeah and she proved that she wasn't the "one" by kicking him out. He wanted to have "the talk", she asked him what for....lol
Posted by Jynja
Well, then what else do you want from the man?
You were well aware and ready for the end, right? Then why do you want him to call or contact you again. Isn't it clean cut now?
Is a "good-bye, I had fun with you too" too much to ask for?
Why should you care at all? To hell with it.
Posted by incandescentcancer
Why should you care at all? To hell with it.
I guess my ego feels I deserve one...??
Posted by lotuslilyPosted by incandescentcancer
Why should you care at all? To hell with it.
I guess my ego feels I deserve one...??click to expand
That is the answer. Your ego is a bit bruised because you're annoyed he was able to walk away just like that. Find a way to deal with it and you'll be fine. It's not so much about that guy, it's about you.
Posted by incandescentcancerPosted by lotuslilyPosted by incandescentcancer
Why should you care at all? To hell with it.
I guess my ego feels I deserve one...??
That is the answer. Your ego is a bit bruised because you're annoyed he was able to walk away just like that. Find a way to deal with it and you'll be fine. It's not so much about that guy, it's about you.click to expand
Haha.... that will be a challenge. all I have at the moment is my mind... I'm ill in bed and all I have are my thoughts and my laptop to keep me occupied! I feel like shit!
Maybe we're both looking at the same coin from different sides... maybe we're at a dead end because his ego is bruised because I could walk away just like that and so he's reacting in a "well fuck you too, see how much I care" kinda fashion... that could be one reason.
Posted by lotuslilyPosted by incandescentcancerPosted by lotuslilyPosted by incandescentcancer
Why should you care at all? To hell with it.
I guess my ego feels I deserve one...??
That is the answer. Your ego is a bit bruised because you're annoyed he was able to walk away just like that. Find a way to deal with it and you'll be fine. It's not so much about that guy, it's about you.
Haha.... that will be a challenge. all I have at the moment is my mind... I'm ill in bed and all I have are my thoughts and my laptop to keep me occupied! I feel like shit!
Maybe we're both looking at the same coin from different sides... maybe we're at a dead end because his ego is bruised because I could walk away just like that and so he's reacting in a "well fuck you too, see how much I care" kinda fashion... that could be one reason.click to expand
Yeah the brain does play tricks when it has nothing to do.
Absolutely, the both of you are mirroring eachother's behaviour. That said, he brought it upon himself with his incessant nagging over a non issue. You held up your end of the bargain, he didn't trust himself to do the same. Well it only proves that someone always screws up an FWB. If you were well you would probably be out clubbing or something and not care about this at all.
Posted by incandescentcancer
Yeah the brain does play tricks when it has nothing to do.
Absolutely, the both of you are mirroring each other's behaviour. That said, he brought it upon himself with his incessant nagging over a non issue. You held up your end of the bargain, he didn't trust himself to do the same. Well it only proves that someone always screws up an FWB. If you were well you would probably be out clubbing or something and not care about this at all.
Well... this whole thing went down on Thursday actually... (i posted it in another thread and only decided to get leo perspective today... so I copied and pasted. That's why it says i called it off today.)
And I did go out on thursday night (which is when I think I got ill) and I did hook up with a sag who proposed a FB arrangement..
Nothing says "I really don't have my emotions involved" quite like finding a possible new playmate on the same day you call it quits with the other one! Let's hope this one can keep his shit together!
Posted by lotuslily
Nothing says "I really don't have my emotions involved" quite like finding a possible new playmate on the same day you call it quits with the other one! Let's hope this one can keep his shit together!
Precisely the best way to get over someone. I have followed that and it's always successful.
@IC I wouldn't be so quick to assume The Leo is at fault here. We only know one side of this bizarre tale.
No way, no how is this about him not saying goodbye via text.
You can lie to us if you want but like I always say "to thine own self be true".
The sooner you get honest with yourself, the clearer your recourse will become.
It's pretty evident to everyone but YOU.
No way, no how is this about him not saying goodbye via text.
You can lie to us if you want but like I always say "to thine own self be true".
The sooner you get honest with yourself, the clearer your recourse will become.
It's pretty evident to everyone but YOU.
Posted by Nala13
@IC I wouldn't be so quick to assume The Leo is at fault here. We only know one side of this bizarre tale.
Perhaps if I said "fault" I was a bit too harsh. I think both of them got a bit more closer than they really wanted. He started feeling it a bit earlier and she started feeling it when he walked away without a word. I also said that it was her issue not his in one of my earlier posts. Perhaps you're right in saying that it's more than her ego that's been hurt here and I just took her word at face value.
The thing with FWBs is that there is no friendship only benefits, that's why I prefer the old non-pc name of fuckbuddies because that's more real. All this modern nonsense of calling it FWB is just faking it.
Posted by BigGirlPanties
FWB rarely ends well.
😢
i disagree. genuine fwb's tend to taper off and die without any ill feeling on either side but that's only when there's absolutely no agenda from either party. i think lotuslily wanted more from this leo and he picked up on that hence the disclaimer every time he saw her. if you're looking for someone cool to hang out with and have sex with to me that implies more than fwb's. i had a taurus fwb for 18 months. we weren't really even more than acquaintances but it was great. we still talk although we'll never have sex again cos the purpose was served and then it was time to move on. i think about him with fondness but with absolutely no regrets or emotional investment and i'm pretty sure he feels the same.
fwb arrangements should be fun while they last. there shouldn't be a need to restate boundaries every time you meet up cos there are no boundaries...it's just sex with someone you're familiar with. from what the OP describes, this was never a fwb arrangement in her eyes.
Posted by incandescentcancerPosted by Nala13
@IC I wouldn't be so quick to assume The Leo is at fault here. We only know one side of this bizarre tale.
Perhaps if I said "fault" I was a bit too harsh. I think both of them got a bit more closer than they really wanted. He started feeling it a bit earlier and she started feeling it when he walked away without a word. I also said that it was her issue not his in one of my earlier posts. Perhaps you're right in saying that it's more than her ego that's been hurt here and I just took her word at face value.
The thing with FWBs is that there is no friendship only benefits, that's why I prefer the old non-pc name of fuckbuddies because that's more real. All this modern nonsense of calling it FWB is just faking it.click to expand
+1 you don't have sex with friends and expect the friendship to remain the same. fuckbuddies is the better definition cos the 'friendship' aspect is just about sex and nothing to do with real friendship.
Posted by Nala13
@IC I wouldn't be so quick to assume The Leo is at fault here. We only know one side of this bizarre tale.
Why do you consider this a bizarre tale?
No way, no how is this about him not saying goodbye via text.
Why do you think that?
You can lie to us if you want but like I always say "to thine own self be true".
I have no reason to lie to anyone here or myself.
It's pretty evident to everyone but YOU.
What is evident to everyone but me?
Posted by aquansidenout
Welcome to the world of women. You developed feelings for him and he is gone. We as women are just not wired for the hit it and quit.
I'm not your average woman... I'm the strongest person I know. I find I'm emotionally stronger than most men in general. It's not a 'woman vs man' thing. I don't do relationships, so I don't have sex for the emotionally fulfilling aspect of it. I don't want children, so I don't have sex for the replication aspect of it. Sex is purely pleasure for me, and if anything -- I got attached to the solid good boning I was getting from him! I know I get attached to great sex when I find it... but not the person.
Posted by aquansidenout
Welcome to the world of women. You developed feelings for him and he is gone. We as women are just not wired for the hit it and quit.
I also have an insanely high sex drive and no whore complex. I'm fairly skilled in the art of 'hit and runs'.
Posted by lotuslilyPosted by aquansidenout
Welcome to the world of women. You developed feelings for him and he is gone. We as women are just not wired for the hit it and quit.
I'm not your average woman... I'm the strongest person I know. I find I'm emotionally stronger than most men in general. It's not a 'woman vs man' thing. I don't do relationships, so I don't have sex for the emotionally fulfilling aspect of it. I don't want children, so I don't have sex for the replication aspect of it. Sex is purely pleasure for me, and if anything -- I got attached to the solid good boning I was getting from him! I know I get attached to great sex when I find it... but not the person.click to expand
I don't believe emotional disability or incapability is a sign of strength, it's just avoidance. Every human being has emotions, some more than others, that's all.
Posted by incandescentcancerPosted by lotuslilyPosted by aquansidenout
Welcome to the world of women. You developed feelings for him and he is gone. We as women are just not wired for the hit it and quit.
I'm not your average woman... I'm the strongest person I know. I find I'm emotionally stronger than most men in general. It's not a 'woman vs man' thing. I don't do relationships, so I don't have sex for the emotionally fulfilling aspect of it. I don't want children, so I don't have sex for the replication aspect of it. Sex is purely pleasure for me, and if anything -- I got attached to the solid good boning I was getting from him! I know I get attached to great sex when I find it... but not the person.
I don't believe emotional disability or incapability is a sign of strength, it's just avoidance. Every human being has emotions, some more than others, that's all.click to expand
Agreed... I didn't mean for it to come across like a disability or inadequacy others have. I do just have less emotion than others.
However, IC, I have survived things that require more emotional strength. I have been mugged and had a gun to my head, and I have survived cancer. I am emotionally strong.
Posted by lotuslily
However, IC, I have survived things that require more emotional strength. I have been mugged and had a gun to my head, and I have survived cancer. I am emotionally strong.
I most definitely wasn't calling you emotionally weak, I would never make judgement calls like that on someone I don't know. What I meant was not showing emotions per se is not a sign of strength and many people think it is. A real show of strength is letting someone know you got emotions and that you own your emotions and you own them! Looks like you got that down pretty good. I am glad you survived and are doing well, the world does need strong people to do all the good things which needs to be done.
Posted by incandescentcancerPosted by lotuslily
However, IC, I have survived things that require more emotional strength. I have been mugged and had a gun to my head, and I have survived cancer. I am emotionally strong.
I most definitely wasn't calling you emotionally weak, I would never make judgement calls like that on someone I don't know. What I meant was not showing emotions per se is not a sign of strength and many people think it is. A real show of strength is letting someone know you got emotions and that you own your emotions and you own them! Looks like you got that down pretty good. I am glad you survived and are doing well, the world does need strong people to do all the good things which needs to be done.click to expand
Thank-you IC *Lotuslily curtsies*, you sound like you are also here to make a difference to the world 😉
Posted by lotuslily
Thank-you IC *Lotuslily curtsies*, you sound like you are also here to make a difference to the world 😉
HA! *bows with his hat off* I'll do my best, I have my own ambitions but I have to take it one step at a time. Steady success is what I believe! 🙂
Posted by lotuslilyPosted by aquansidenout
Welcome to the world of women. You developed feelings for him and he is gone. We as women are just not wired for the hit it and quit.
I also have an insanely high sex drive and no whore complex. I'm fairly skilled in the art of 'hit and runs'.click to expand
wow....you sound just like me when i was younger. having recently experienced sex with depth of feeling however, i can say it transcends the purely physical experience. i never thought the time would come when i would say that as i specialise in emotional detachment and have always been commitment phobic despite being married for over a decade, lol.
horses for courses. i hope one day you'll be as pleasantly surprised as i've been but whatever works for you now is all that matters and furthermore, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone other than you 🙂
fuck!! i am feelng the love big time, lol.
Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
wow....you sound just like me when i was younger. having recently experienced sex with depth of feeling however, i can say it transcends the purely physical experience. i never thought the time would come when i would say that as i specialise in emotional detachment and have always been commitment phobic despite being married for over a decade, lol.
horses for courses. i hope one day you'll be as pleasantly surprised as i've been but whatever works for you now is all that matters and furthermore, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone other than you 🙂
fuck!! i am feelng the love big time, lol.click to expand
Thanks Rig, and I'm stoked you're feeling the love! I'm not saying I'll never fall in love, I just haven't met anyone worth of loving. Plus... I don't actually believe in falling in love... it's like a little drug that makes people do stupid things like get jealous and possessive... I do think I'd like to love someone romantically one day, but so far, I haven't found anyone awesome enough and who deserves my love.
Posted by R1g0rM0rT1sPosted by BigGirlPanties
FWB rarely ends well.
😢
i disagree. genuine fwb's tend to taper off and die without any ill feeling on either side but that's only when there's absolutely no agenda from either party. i think lotuslily wanted more from this leo and he picked up on that hence the disclaimer every time he saw her. if you're looking for someone cool to hang out with and have sex with to me that implies more than fwb's. i had a taurus fwb for 18 months. we weren't really even more than acquaintances but it was great. we still talk although we'll never have sex again cos the purpose was served and then it was time to move on. i think about him with fondness but with absolutely no regrets or emotional investment and i'm pretty sure he feels the same.
fwb arrangements should be fun while they last. there shouldn't be a need to restate boundaries every time you meet up cos there are no boundaries...it's just sex with someone you're familiar with. from what the OP describes, this was never a fwb arrangement in her eyes.click to expand
+1
To me, FWB are really friends you hook up with. After its all said and done, you're still friends afterward, although the contact tapers off gradually. Still, no hard feelings on either side.
Posted by lotuslily
However, IC, I have survived things that require more emotional strength. I have been mugged and had a gun to my head, and I have survived cancer. I am emotionally strong.
Even strong women have feelings.
Lotuslily, I admire you for knowing yourself well enough to know what works and doesn't work for you. I respect you for that, as well as for what you've been through.
Keep on keepin' on!
Keep on keepin' on!
Posted by StillWater
I admire your ability to differentiate sex and true love. Some people might thing you got emotionally involved but I think just like you said you did hold your end of the bargain.
However, good byes are never easy when two people are that regularly involved. ANd it is as hit to the ego when the person doesn't even bother saying something nice to end things well. But may be it can be flattering in another way that he was too hurt to even say anything. Who knows?
Thank-you for the nice words 🙂 Since then he's said he still wants to get together and talk about things. I told him I'd hear him out. Who knows when that is gonna happen.... I'm moving on tho. I hope we can still be friends... we really did love talking to each other about all sorts of things.
Posted by truecapPosted by lotuslily
However, IC, I have survived things that require more emotional strength. I have been mugged and had a gun to my head, and I have survived cancer. I am emotionally strong.
Even strong women have feelings.click to expand
Lol... I have feelings... they're just hard to hurt. I've got them locked away safely until I find someone who deserves to get my feelings, and who I can trust not to hurt them.
Posted by truecap
Lotuslily, I admire you for knowing yourself well enough to know what works and doesn't work for you. I respect you for that, as well as for what you've been through.
Keep on keepin' on!
Thank-you too for your kind words 🙂
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I don't think I've displayed any behaviour that seems like I am getting my emotions involved, as he has told me repeatedly I am just fun for him, so I knew where I stood. BUT: I think I'm allowed to at least have a medium sized crush on the guy I'm letting inside me regularly! I told him if he didn't quit worrying and just let us be and enjoy each other, then it is time to call it a day, because constantly having the same draining conversation trying to convince him I don't have feelings for him has been sucking the fun out of it. That wasn't what I signed up for.
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