The Leo B*stard

Introductory note: It must be pointed out Mr. Leo??s play is yet to be performed in a real theatre. But we are informed by Mr. Leo, this is due to protracted negotiations with producers in London, who are terribly anxious to buy the rights. Indeed — as Mr. Leo himself said — this play has —West End?? written all over it. And even taking into account this is the first play Mr. Leo has penned — in fact, his first piece of creative writing since high school — we have to say (because he is forcing us to) he is an outstanding master of the Genre. This is a model modern short play. It displays an art of construction one usually expects from the most revered and respected of writers. (Is that enough?) His dialogue, too, is worthy of much praise. Its deftness defies description; it never halts; it moves from beginning to end. And it's so amazingly true to life. Except wittier. And sharper. And more poignant. Its sheer brilliance will astound you and leave you gasping for more. (There, satisfied now?) We truly appreciate Mr. Leo??s generosity in allowing us to print his amazing, soon-to-be-much-lauded-play in this most unworthy tome.

THE LOVES OF LEO
Written by Leo. Produced by Leo. Directed by Leo. Starring Leo.

Important : No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Leo, and he is allowed to produce, direct and star in it.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
Leo, played by himself. (The unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous — not to mention terrifically handsome — hero of the play, around whom all action revolves).

The Beautiful** Heroine, played by you. (Minor, though important supporting role.)

The Beautiful** Heroine's More Beautiful** Rival, in this instance played by Meg
Ryan. (This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her.)

The Much-Less-Exciting Man- played by someone like Daniel Day-Lewis or Brad Pitt. (This role is really just that of an extra — a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo.)

The Beautiful** Maid, played by you. (Again, another minor, though important supporting role.)

Leo had initially wanted to write The Loves of Leo: A Midsummer Night's Dream, but someone named William-something had thoughtlessly used the title first. It goes without saying, Leo??s version would have been much better. ** Though not as beautiful as Leo.

The Very Appreciative Audience, played by you, Meg Ryan and all the other men in the world.

NB: All the characters are in modern costume. Leo is wearing faultless, immaculately tailored evening clothes which set off his hair, height and coloring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn't really matter what they??re wearing does it?

ACT ONE
Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed drawing room of Leo??s house. The Beautiful Heroine, the Beautiful-Heroine's-More-Beautiful Rival and The Much-Less-Exciting Man are all present and seated. [The very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible] There is an air of melancholy about in the three, as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing-room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming presence.

Leo [looking around]: Hello everybody. Why so glum? Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host?
[The Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes]
Leo [starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs and occasional fainting of The Very Appreciative Audience — showing the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfully reported to be]: Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of drawing-room conversation]
The Beautiful Heroine and the Beautiful-Heroine's-More-Beautiful Rival [in unison, whilst gazing adoringly at Leo — as one does]: Yes, we missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you. Leo [brushing off this blatant, but understandable adoration]: How about a drink then? Where is that maid of mine? [Spotting the Beautiful Heroine] Get us all a drink will you, Love?
[The Beautiful Heroine / maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, grateful to be of use to her — and everybody??s — hero] The Much-Less-Exciting-Man [opens his mouth to say something]: Um ??_ [He realizes just in time, he can never say anything to compare to the witty, intelligent conversation of Leo and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man??s natural superiority.]
Leo: Rather flighty chap, isn't he? [Allowing us a glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed, it causes much murmuring in The Very Appreciative Audience. At this point, The Beautiful Heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor
The-Beautiful-Heroine's-More-Beautiful Rival even notices The Much-Less-Exciting-Man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anyone else when Leo is in the room.]
Leo [taking a drink and a handful of delicate, mouth-watering pastries that The Beautiful Heroine whipped up whilst she was fetching the drinks]: Hey, these are good.
[The Very Appreciative Audience spontaneously bursts into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to the Beautiful Heroine, because it indicates Leo knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them, and also shows he's not swayed by mere physical beauty. After all, The Beautiful-Heroine's-More-Beautiful Rival is better looking, but Leo never said anything to her.]
Leo [playing to the audience]: Yes [nods, causing himself to look even more thoughtful and handsome]. Very good, indeed. [The Very

CURTAIN
[The Very Appreciative Audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing ovation to the genius responsible for the play]

Concluding note: Once again, Mr. Leo has requested we point out the brilliance of his play, this time by focusing on the gargantuan intellect it must have taken to produce the cliffhanger ending. Naturally, he won't leave you in suspicion forever, and we??re sure you??ll await the sequel with bated breath. He's going to call it The Loves of Leo II: To Be Or Not To Be. Okay, look, you tell him its been done before. We've had it.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
His entrance will always be preceded by a drum-roll. If you miss his entrance you??ll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can't miss him there — not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him, pointing him out. You might also notice the Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the world, my gift to you.
Regards, God.
P.S.: Those of you who don't believe in Me can also have him.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Look up at him in wonder and say ingeniously: —My, what a big, strong man you are?? —Gee, I wish I was as smart / witty / brave as you?? or —Are you a famous movie star— Or just wear a full-length mirror around your neck and don't say anything at all.

THE FIRST DATE
The first date will be quite enjoyable. You have never heard all his stories before, so you will find them quite entertaining. They??re even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
On the third date. You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely. Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him any more would have the same effect, but we??re working on the assumption he is — that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it completely impossible to live without him.

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
He??ll decide when you want to get married. Just be ready to answer with a breathless —Yes, of course?? when he lets you know where and when the wedding??s taking place. Then pretend your tears are caused by joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you??ll be wearing. And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you you??re allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he's alre