Does he even feel any remorse at all?

Hello.

I've posted this in the relationship forum but I think I might get better answers here.

My apologies, this is going to be a long read. Please bear with me.


I'd like some neutral and fresh perspectives on my situation with a libra I used to date.

This is of what I got from his natal chart:

Sun Libra -- he was born on 23 october though, so I'd say he's a libra/scorp cusper
Moon Aries
Venus Libra
Mars Cap
Jupiter Libra
Saturn Libra
Neptune Scorpio
Mercury Libra

I'm a capricorn.


I will try to keep it brief. We'd been dating for 5 months. I'd call it a fwb situation actually, as neither of us wanted anything serious. However he demanded exclusivity. We'd hang out at each other's places, go out to gigs, go for dinner, have sex. We did like each other very much at first, an amazing connection, we laughed, had stimulating conversations, spontaneous wild sex life. He's a joker, fun to be around with, a social, likeable, charming guy. We'd usually see twice a week, mostly three times in the month as we're both busy. He's an artist, travels quite a lot, so do I as I have a few businesses in Europe and in the States.

Here where things fell apart. I missed my period. I use a coil as a contraceptive. Pregnancy tests showed negative results. I seriously began to panic. I'm 39, you see, (he's 46 by the way), so I thought, maybe I may be going through premature menopause, especially since the pregnancy tests were all coming out negative. When I told him I was late, he began to distance himself from me. We got planned gigs to go to, and he would hardly touch me on our way there, while there, and thereafter, was eager to say goodbye and leave, and not talk. I could feel his detachment. No hugs, no strokes, no kisses. After that, he told me it was not wise for us to meet. He has a 21 years old son from a brief relationship. He used to tell me, his son's mother trapped him. He didn't love and didn't want a kid with her. He distanced himself from that woman, didn't care for her during her pregnancy, and refused to believe that was his child until the day he was born. He'd tell me, this is ''deja vu'' for him. My reply was, ''I didn't plan to have a kid with you, if there is a kid. I didn't plan to trap you. I didn't plan any of this. But if there is a child, if I want to keep it, he or she will be well looked after. I won't require anything financially from you.' Back then, when I said that, it was just to affirm him I was not his

Back then, when I said that, it was just to affirm him I was not his son's mother, that he should not compare me with her, it was a deja vu situation to him perhaps but unlike her, I didn't plan to fall pregnant.

Following blood tests came back negative for pregnancy, and negative for premature menopause. My nurse told me I may be pregnant but pregnancy hormones may have not risen enough to show on tests. She scheduled me for an ultrasound. She also told me there's always a chance the coil might have failed. In the meantime, my emotions began to be all over the place, I could feel changes going through my body and I got quite hormonal. I then told him, if I happen to be actually pregnant, I may consider keeping the child, as this might be a sign for me to start having kids. You see, I didn't want kids for another couple of years but in the situation I was, I was having a change of heart. I think, in retrospect, that made him mostly flip, even though he had already distanced himself from me.

So, every time I tried to bring the ''maybe pregancy'' subject on the table, what is the next step, if I happen to be pregnant, my ex lover would deflect by then starting dishing out all things he disliked about me, things I wasn't even aware that bugged him. 'So you waited five months and us being in this crisis to tell me what you dislike about me?'' I asked him. He began to say he never thought he'd have a child with me, that I was a walking contradiction, throwing all the flaws he saw in me at my face. I couldn't believe he turned so cold.

All our conversations were then via texts or phone calls, as he didn't want to meet face to face any more. He was determined not to spend time with me. Our conversations on the phone got stormy, we were shouting over each other, as me being emotional due to not knowing exactly what was going with my body and trying to get him to understand that whatever he had against me and my flaws, the main thing was I may be pregnant and we need to discuss about it. I didn't need him to stress me. I didn't need his negativity but he insisted he wasn't being negative, instead, that he was stating the facts that I was confusing him, contradicting myself by saying one thing and doing the other. He was right perhaps, as I was extremely emotional, but I didn't need to hear about my flaws every single time I wanted to talk about the main matter at hand.

In brief, I miscarried some time later and only then my obgyn confirmed

In brief, I miscarried some time later and only then my obgyn confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I was gutted. Heartbroken mostly because the child died even before I was given the chance to truly acknowledge him or her and, make a decision about his or her future. I told my lover about the miscarriage and he said nothing. I then wrote to him telling him how cold, less supportive, hurtful, stressful he'd been during my ordeal. His reply was that I was just looking for drama, calling me crazy and paranoid, that I'm always twisting his words, and that he has nothing to offer me emotionally. That I was not his girlfriend, in case I forgot. I said, ''No problem. You are right. You definitely had nothing to offer emotionally. You proved it. Thank you. I guess it is time for me to move on.'' A few months back, he'd lost his mother to whom he was extremely close, and I was there for him, supporting in his pain. I hardly knew him then but I was there for him. I couldn't believe he had detached from me and couldn't even give me the same amount of support, not as boyfriend, which is not I was asking, but as a friend. Because we were friends even before the mess.


Anyway, we haven't spoken since then. It's been 4 weeks. I went on holiday to destress and came back refreshed. I don't miss him as much I used to, which is a good sign. He still follows me on my FB and instagram, likes some of my posts and pictures, but no contact from neither the two of us. I'm trying exponentially to move on with my life. However, I wish I could have closure, understand why he treated me that way. He always came across as a good person. Still does. We have common friends and none of them know what happened. They all see him as a good , kind hearted person, a total charmer. I even considered telling our friends, especially the ones who introduced him to me, but I am not a vindictive person. I feel angry at time for the way he treated me but I don't let it take over me. I consider myself a strong woman, in control of her emotions, However, this episode turned me into an emotional wreck. I hit rock bottom. I laid myself bare for him. Why wait five months to tell me what was wrong with our relationship whereas the week before I told him I was late, we had such an amazing time, stress and negativity free? And he wasn't complaining about me then. I guess the thought of having a child or being ''trapped by me'', scared the shit out of him.

Or am I wrong? I ask to librans, why did he

I ask to librans, why did he react that way? Do you think he even has got an ounce of remorse for what he's done? Did he really care and him attacking me at every single occasion was just a coping/defence mechanism? I am truly baffled. I wish to understand. Will he ever reach out to explain his side of the story, now that we have both have cleared our head ? I'd like to call him to ask all this, but in my last text to him I made him clear I will never ever bug him, I'm moving on, and that I mean what I said.


Thank you for reading this.


Thank you for reading this and thank you for those who will answer.


Once again, my apologies for the novella but I tried to give as much details as I could.

What's the time line from when you first thought you were pregnant until he had essentially cut ties?

When I was reading it everything seemed close together, but by the end, quite a bit of time had passed. At one point, you commented that "everytime" you brought up the idea of possibly being pregnant it started a fight... how long were you telling him he needed to stop stressing you and be supportive just in case you are pregnant?

Even knowing the outcome here... if my gf (I don't do fuck buddies) said she might be pregnant, then came back clean on the pregnancy test, and still said she might be pregnant... Um...

That's why I was asking about the time line. If it was just a few days you were saying maybe that's one thing. I got the impression this was several weeks. Even if I ended up wrong, a few weeks and a negative test would convince me.

All said and done though, if it's been a month and he isn't reaching out...any remorse he may feel isn't anywhere near enough for the two of you to resume even a platonic relationship.

When I'm upset I can lash out verbally, I hear that's the aries moon. I think I'm not normal in this, but even when I'm angry I don't say things I don't mean. Sometimes they're slightly exaggerated or premature, but the thought and feeling behind them are genuine. If I'm lashing out and attacking you, things have gone really bad.

Heh, that's like my ex wife. I have stopped trying to talk to her because I just want to be nasty.

Sidenote... A month is no where near long enough for a libra to have cleared their head lol. It takes some of us that long to decide what to make for dinner.

Sorry about your miscarriage...

Zee I can completely understand his reaction to the situation.

He was having fun, keeping things casual, believing you're a grown woman whose not going to behave like an irresponsible thirsty for love woman that can't take care of herself and her body.

You have businesses which means you have a good head on your shoulders so there wasn't going to be the "I'm pregnant/think I'm pregnant" mess that so many women pull on men.

But...You did the same thing so many women do and he got turned off. He expected you to take all the precautions to protect yourself and that didn't happen.

He's a jerk for behaving the way he did, he didn't handle it well at all but at least you see him for what he truly is.

You now know he can't handle the hard stuff complicated stuff that comes up in relationships thus you most likely will not be able to forge a proper relationship with him.

He never saw you as someone he wanted to have babies with, he only knew you sexually/intimately and that is not enough to forge a strong emotional bond with a woman, this was purely sexual, maybe the emotional phase would have developed much later but you probably will never know.

Heal and move on...If there is an opportunity to connect again he'll make the first move.

Thank you Tikki,

I really appreciate your feedback. I guess this is where I went wrong sadly. We had an awesome connection and yes, perhaps, me being so emotional with the pregnancy, I became somebody else, expecting he would be more caring.

Ah well, what it's done is done.

Thank you. I really appreciate this perspective, and it does make so much sense.

Hi Librasid,


As soon as I mentioned I was late he distanced himself from me.

There was about 3 weeks between that time and me miscarrying. I was 4 weeks pregnant according to my obgyn.


Thank you for your input.

WOW..I'm seriously sorry about your miscarriage, but on the brighter side, if there is a brighter side, at least you know if you would have had the baby you're not indebted in life with someone that acts that cold. Regardless of his reasons, as a supposedly good friend or just from one human being to another, his treatment of you in that situation was very foul and it speaks volumes about his true character and personality. You now know that in a crisis, he's not someone you could rely on, so at least you found out 5 months in instead of 5 years in, and at age 46, I guess I would have expected
a little more from him. Common courtesy and compassion is even due to a dog. Glad you're doing better though. Continued success in your healing process.

To answer your question: NO. He sounds like a spineless, manipulative asshole that tricked you into feeling like you were in a relationship. He left like a coward when things got tough and that's a sign he's not a man. I will never be able to understand the sheer selfishness mean causal wallow in when people need them most. Absolutely disgusting. I'm sorry you had to go through that. One of the man reasons i avoid libra men. Flighty, manipulative, and selfish. Yuck!

*men

Posted by LibraSid
It takes some of us that long to decide what to make for dinner.

lol

You got into a fuck buddy situation and didn't protect yourself. Of course, he's not pleased you got pregnant. What's a grown woman acting like this for anyway? I try to be compassionate toward the stupid shit we as women do in the name of love. But this wasn't even in the name of love but getting laid and you didn't adequately protect yourself to boot. This is not cool for a woman on the cusp of 40. And if you're wondering about his feelings for you, you should never have consented to a FWB situation. That gig is strictly a "hit it and quit it" proposition. In other words, you've got no right to be angry or hurt or disappointed at him for not caring about you the way you evidently care about him. This is yet another instance of a woman getting into FWB, lying to herself that she can handle it, and secretly hoping for more. You really should be smarter than this.

Posted by LIb4Life
WOW..I'm seriously sorry about your miscarriage, but on the brighter side, if there is a brighter side, at least you know if you would have had the baby you're not indebted in life with someone that acts that cold. Regardless of his reasons, as a supposedly good friend or just from one human being to another, his treatment of you in that situation was very foul and it speaks volumes about his true character and personality. You now know that in a crisis, he's not someone you could rely on, so at least you found out 5 months in instead of 5 years in, and at age 46, I guess I would have expected
a little more from him. Common courtesy and compassion is even due to a dog. Glad you're doing better though. Continued success in your healing process.

Thank you Lib4life.


What really shocked me was his sudden change toward me. We may have been in a FWB situation but we connected so well, I loved his company and our mental connection was just mindblowing. Well, before I I was late....

It was not about only having sex but we were doing a lot of things together, and were even planning to go away this Christmas. Tikki's post makes sense in a way, but even though I had acted like an emotional wreck, I had expected him, as my friend, and I emphasize that word, friend (he told me he was my friend), I expected him to morally support me. I can tell you, he wouldn't treat his best female friends the way he did me.

All I asked was for us to sit and then decide: 1- do we keep the child and, I then will take the financial responsibility (his son's mother gave him hell with child support), consequently, we dont stay as a couple, but I'd gladly let him be in his child's life. Or 2 - we don't keep the child and continue with our relationship, getting to know each other more and enjoying our time together.

That was it! That was all I wanted to know but never was given the opportunity as all what truly mattered was things he disliked about me. That all what he cared about. I got so tired of it, I stopped calling hin or texting him. Too much stress.

Posted by Este8
You got into a fuck buddy situation and didn't protect yourself. Of course, he's not pleased you got pregnant. What's a grown woman acting like this for anyway? I try to be compassionate toward the stupid shit we as women do in the name of love. But this wasn't even in the name of love but getting laid and you didn't adequately protect yourself to boot. This is not cool for a woman on the cusp of 40. And if you're wondering about his feelings for you, you should never have consented to a FWB situation. That gig is strictly a "hit it and quit it" proposition. In other words, you've got no right to be angry or hurt or disappointed at him for not caring about you the way you evidently care about him. This is yet another instance of a woman getting into FWB, lying to herself that she can handle it, and secretly hoping for more. You really should be smarter than this.

Have you read all my post?

I was using a contraceptive. READ. I did protect myself. And what I learn from this episode, is that not all methods of contraception are 100% . And also, we took STDs tests each other before starting this relationship. And this shows you, that yes, I am actually responsible for a grown woman. And fyi, we are not in the 50s anymore when women are obligated to be married and have kids by 40. Things have changed. I don't want to be married. I don't want a boyfriend but I do enjoy occasional companionship and I love sex. What's wrong with that?

And as for the rest, yes, I should be angry at him. 'cos he showed me one caring side of him when all was happy and cool and then, he turned darker when shit hit the pans. Hell yeah, I had the right to be angry back then.


But anyway, thank you for your input.

Posted by Magenta_Azure
To answer your question: NO. He sounds like a spineless, manipulative asshole that tricked you into feeling like you were in a relationship. He left like a coward when things got tough and that's a sign he's not a man. I will never be able to understand the sheer selfishness mean causal wallow in when people need them most. Absolutely disgusting. I'm sorry you had to go through that. One of the man reasons i avoid libra men. Flighty, manipulative, and selfish. Yuck!

Thank you for your input, magenta.

Posted by Zeehara

Posted by Este8
You got into a fuck buddy situation and didn't protect yourself. Of course, he's not pleased you got pregnant. What's a grown woman acting like this for anyway? I try to be compassionate toward the stupid shit we as women do in the name of love. But this wasn't even in the name of love but getting laid and you didn't adequately protect yourself to boot. This is not cool for a woman on the cusp of 40. And if you're wondering about his feelings for you, you should never have consented to a FWB situation. That gig is strictly a "hit it and quit it" proposition. In other words, you've got no right to be angry or hurt or disappointed at him for not caring about you the way you evidently care about him. This is yet another instance of a woman getting into FWB, lying to herself that she can handle it, and secretly hoping for more. You really should be smarter than this.

Have you read all my post?

I was using a contraceptive. READ. I did protect myself. And what I learn from this episode, is that not all methods of contraception are 100% . And also, we took STDs tests each other before starting this relationship. And this shows you, that yes, I am actually responsible for a grown woman. And fyi, we are not in the 50s anymore when women are obligated to be married and have kids by 40. Things have changed. I don't want to be married. I don't want a boyfriend but I do enjoy occasional companionship and I love sex. What's wrong with that?

And as for the rest, yes, I should be angry at him. 'cos he showed me one caring side of him when all was happy and cool and then, he turned darker when shit hit the pans. Hell yeah, I had the right to be angry back then.


But anyway, thank you for your input.

click to expand

Okay. Well I apologize for the protection comment but he still has my sympathy because he never consented to being a father and regardless of what you say about never expecting anything from him, in his mind he'll always know he has a kid in the world and deal with the guilt of not being there for him or resentment at being in his child's life but tied to a woman he never saw as more than a fuck buddy. And he also knows as a woman you have ALL THE POWER. You can change your mind at anytime and take his ass to court for $ $ . I'm sor

I'm sorry you miscarried. I miscarried at your age myself and that's a hard moment. Children really do need both parents active in their lives. I've seen many valiant single moms but in the vast majority if the cases the kids has real emotional issues they had to deal with. Bottom line. You agreed to a no-commitment sex only relationship and therefore have no right to be upset at him. Just move one and be smarter in the future. Besides, playing the victim is seriously weak. Be stronger than that.

Oh and by the way, EsteB, I would like to make it clear: FWB is totally different from Fuck buddy situation. Fuck buddy is definitely hit and quit. Booty calls and all the like and then goodbye after sex.

You don't go to gigs, and dinners, and trips abroad with your Fuck buddy. No. We were friends who had sex and did other things together, without the complicated stuff of a gf and bf relationship, as each of us still kept a great deal of our independence.

Thank you for your input EsteB.

Sorry, it's Este8. My apologies.

Posted by Zeehara
Oh and by the way, EsteB, I would like to make it clear: FWB is totally different from Fuck buddy situation. Fuck buddy is definitely hit and quit. Booty calls and all the like and then goodbye after sex.

You don't go to gigs, and dinners, and trips abroad with your Fuck buddy. No. We were friends who had sex and did other things together, without the complicated stuff of a gf and bf relationship, as each of us still kept a great deal of our independence.

But this is yet another reason why you don't do FWB. There are feelings involved and usually somebody gets hurt. And most of the times it's the woman. Say what you want but you are hurting here. If a man's not going to commit to you, to give you a title (this is my girlfriend or wife") then he's not even invested in seeing where things can go, which defaults it to sex. I know I'm old fashioned but I really do believe it's friendship or lovers because these stories, these feelings, these things happen when you don't have a commitment. Surely not all commitments work out but at least the people entered the relationship with the best of intention. This song says it best.

"It was not about only having sex but we were doing a lot of things together, and were even planning to go away this Christmas. Tikki's post makes sense in a way, but even though I had acted like an emotional wreck, I had expected him, as my friend, and I emphasize that word, friend (he told me he was my friend), I expected him to morally support me. I can tell you, he wouldn't treat his best female friends the way he did me. "

But FWB is not a real relationship and he was not in it for the long haul if he propositioned you with a FWB situation instead of offering you a real relationship (title and all).

He's not your friend (real friend that will have your back etc etc), it's the friend part that is so alluring to a lot of women but we all have our own version of what friendship looks like and the way we women define friendship in a sexual situation with a man is not comparable to how men see friendship with a woman he's having sex with---it's 2 different worlds.

His reaction was a jack ass reaction but at the same time you SKIPPED like 3 to 4 steps in the relationship process. I mean, it went from FWB to baby, he didn't have time process the situation properly, he didn't want a baby so he damn sure was not ready to discuss the baby.

Seems he wanted someone he can be casual friends with and have casual sex and now he has to think about babies, too much pressure and stress for any man.

Posted by Este8
You got into a fuck buddy situation and didn't protect yourself. Of course, he's not pleased you got pregnant. What's a grown woman acting like this for anyway? I try to be compassionate toward the stupid shit we as women do in the name of love. But this wasn't even in the name of love but getting laid and you didn't adequately protect yourself to boot. This is not cool for a woman on the cusp of 40. And if you're wondering about his feelings for you, you should never have consented to a FWB situation. That gig is strictly a "hit it and quit it" proposition. In other words, you've got no right to be angry or hurt or disappointed at him for not caring about you the way you evidently care about him. This is yet another instance of a woman getting into FWB, lying to herself that she can handle it, and secretly hoping for more. You really should be smarter than this.

I do believe she did practice protection measures, and didn't expect to get knocked up. It's funny how we're all quick to pass judgement, but when it happens to us or someone we know and love, all of sudden we see it differently, but even if it was a FWB situation, common courtesy and compassion is due to a DOG. Did she not show compassion to him when he was going through the painful death over the loss of his mother? There's no excuse for his foul azz behavior. He could have simply said, I didn't bargain in any kids, so the relationship is over. True it would have hurt either way, but at least he could have been a man about it and just been straight, but nooooo..instead he went for the jugular and started throwing in shyt that he had been feeling all along just to justify his exit. That's just wrong on every level..especially coming from a 43 year old supposedly adult, BUT being that his moon is in Aries, I guess it really shouldn't be a surprise. Selfishness, Self Centereness, Rude and being Egotiscally are all traits of quite a few Aries that I know.

I would like to thank you all for your input. It is really appreciated.

Lib4life, your last post, said it all. Thank you!

All I asked what just some compassion, especially around the time where I had no idea what was going on with my body (was I menopausal? was I pregnant? What to do if both situations present?), and, no one could tell me what was going on, including my obgyn. Counting the days to the ultrasound, as that was the only option left to see if there was a baby in my womb, was tough. Miscarrying just before that appointment even happened was horrid. It was a tough emotional period, and I'm usually good at keeping my emotions in check. My friends call me the ''wall''.

All I needed was just a friendly shoulder to lean on. Not to be kicked when I was already down. As Tiki clearly stated, he wasn't my friend after all. I guess, we clearly had different definition of friendship.

I'd like to clarify, Tiki that no, I didn't want a bf/gf relationship with him. We had an awesome connection but there were other aspects in our lives that would have made that kind of relationship impossible. This is why we decided to stick to FWB. However, I liked his company and his energy (well the side he presented to me). We used to say to each other, we will be there for each other, if any any of us is in need. That's how good the bond between us was, well so I thought.

When I had a bad business day, or some family issues, he'd be there for me, to comfort me, as a friend. Same thing I had expected from him when I was going through another difficult time.

Posted by aurora
i don't know libra men at all, but just from the things you wrote it seems that he is so repulsed by any kind of responsibility that it makes no room for remorse.

no woman should ever be alone in situation of possible pregnancy, wanted or unwanted cause it takes 2 for that and both are equally responsible. not to mention the things we do not to become pregnant, taking hormones, putting all those stuff in our vagina, they should give us a medal not to abandon us when everything fails.

he wasn't your friend and i think that's the part that made you so disappointed. i'm sorry what happened to you. but some men are jerks and there's nothing you can do about it except next time be more cautious.

Thank you. I appreciate this.

Posted by Este8
I'm sorry you miscarried. I miscarried at your age myself and that's a hard moment. Children really do need both parents active in their lives. I've seen many valiant single moms but in the vast majority if the cases the kids has real emotional issues they had to deal with. Bottom line. You agreed to a no-commitment sex only relationship and therefore have no right to be upset at him. Just move one and be smarter in the future. Besides, playing the victim is seriously weak. Be stronger than that.

Trust me, I'm done playing the victim. And I don't think I am playing one right now. All I wanted to know, and understand was why someone you consider a friend would treat you so horridly, and if, whether if he even feels some remorse about it. All I needed to know.

I'm happy for all different feeback, harsh or not, because it gives me a different perspective on the matter. Your close friends can advise you but you also some external parties to have a say and I appreciate the input.

I'm partly to blame for the fiasco but we were two in this. He let me down. I didn't plan this to get pregnant. I've done my share of crying for days, went on holidays to clear my head, and I'm slowly getting over the trauma of my miscarriage. I looked at my texts and emails I wrote him, I can't even recognise myself. I was a wreck.

This episode of my life has made me stronger and perhaps I may never get closure from him, but I think with what I've read here, I can finally shake him out and fully getting back to focussing on me. I'm a fighter.

Men don't have friends with benefits. Some guys keep a side piece or fuck buddy but men just don't do friend with benefits. Some will try to or pretend, but tiki is right it ain't the same.

You said you get along well but know a relationship won't work...so you decide to just have sex? I really was out of the dating world too long. This just doesn't make sense.

And yes a libra would go out anywhere with a woman he likes (even just as fuck buddies). Why not? So what we aren't "bf/gf" everything is more fun with someone else, plus you're gonna be knocking boots later, why not go to the movies together?

In my mind this whole friend with benefits is just code for staying in a shitty relationship because you're too horny to be single.

Posted by LibraSid
Men don't have friends with benefits. Some guys keep a side piece or fuck buddy but men just don't do friend with benefits. Some will try to or pretend, but tiki is right it ain't the same.

You said you get along well but know a relationship won't work...so you decide to just have sex? I really was out of the dating world too long. This just doesn't make sense.

And yes a libra would go out anywhere with a woman he likes (even just as fuck buddies). Why not? So what we aren't "bf/gf" everything is more fun with someone else, plus you're gonna be knocking boots later, why not go to the movies together?

In my mind this whole friend with benefits is just code for staying in a shitty relationship because you're too horny to be single.

I'm not certain you speak for all men but trust me, I have male friends who have been in fwb relationships with their partners for, 2 or 4 years, and one of them has been with his main fwb for a decade. They are friends with each other, were even friends before they began to have casual sex with no strings attached. The women are not their girlfriends but they date them and have sex with them casually. Some of those relationships are exclusives, while with others, the partners are free to see other people.

There is a clear difference between a fuck buddy, who you call and fuck, and that's it. It is just sex. Friends with benefits, is a little bit deeper than that. There is friendship and sex. But no commitment. Not the complicated stuff.

Yes, a bf/gf relationship wouldn't have work between me and him. Mainly because, I LOVE MY SPACE, space, I'm fiercely independent, (these are the few things he actually reproached me and waited to throw at my face when I was down, because there were times he wanted to see me and I was busy!), I travel a lot, got business abroad I need to attend to, I may not be there for a man who needs companionship most days, say 24/7 as you may do with your girlfriend.

He's an artist and travels too. We didn't want any commitment from each other, but still would hang out, (dinner parties, nightclub, cinema,) and have sex, which we both love of course, whenever we could. FWB was consequently perfect for us.








I don

Posted by Zeehara

I'm not certain you speak for all men but trust me, I have male friends who have been in fwb relationships with their partners for, 2 or 4 years, and one of them has been with his main fwb for a decade. They are friends with each other, were even friends before they began to have casual sex with no strings attached. The women are not their girlfriends but they date them and have sex with them casually. Some of those relationships are exclusives, while with others, the partners are free to see other people.

There is a clear difference between a fuck buddy, who you call and fuck, and that's it. It is just sex. Friends with benefits, is a little bit deeper than that. There is friendship and sex. But no commitment. Not the complicated stuff.

So what is the difference between being bf/gf and being in a 2-4 year exclusive fwb situation?

It sounds like commitment issues. You're just afraid of the title. Being bf/gf isn't permanent. If things go bad, you break up. You will be able to find exceptions to any statement, but if the sex was cut off by one person, the friendship would likely be cut off by the other. The benefits ruin the friendship. If you're not exclusive, it's called an open relationship.

What are you avoiding in the dating titles? You're excluding simple fucking, so friends would even be there for each other in bad times. I really just don't get it. Not all relationships are bad and filled with "the complicated stuff" and that same complicated stuff has seemed to creep into your fwb situation anyway.

I just think fwbs are fooling themselves. One of you is eventually gonna catch feelings and want more.

Oh and if he was throwing your independence back at you when you broke up, it was an issue while you were dating.

Posted by LibraSid


So what is the difference between being bf/gf and being in a 2-4 year exclusive fwb situation?

It sounds like commitment issues. You're just afraid of the title. Being bf/gf isn't permanent. If things go bad, you break up. You will be able to find exceptions to any statement, but if the sex was cut off by one person, the friendship would likely be cut off by the other. The benefits ruin the friendship. If you're not exclusive, it's called an open relationship.

What are you avoiding in the dating titles? You're excluding simple fucking, so friends would even be there for each other in bad times. I really just don't get it. Not all relationships are bad and filled with "the complicated stuff" and that same complicated stuff has seemed to creep into your fwb situation anyway.

I just think fwbs are fooling themselves. One of you is eventually gonna catch feelings and want more.

This. I don't get it either. A lot of these sound like relationships to me just without the label.

Posted by jeane

Posted by LibraSid


So what is the difference between being bf/gf and being in a 2-4 year exclusive fwb situation?

It sounds like commitment issues. You're just afraid of the title. Being bf/gf isn't permanent. If things go bad, you break up. You will be able to find exceptions to any statement, but if the sex was cut off by one person, the friendship would likely be cut off by the other. The benefits ruin the friendship. If you're not exclusive, it's called an open relationship.

What are you avoiding in the dating titles? You're excluding simple fucking, so friends would even be there for each other in bad times. I really just don't get it. Not all relationships are bad and filled with "the complicated stuff" and that same complicated stuff has seemed to creep into your fwb situation anyway.

I just think fwbs are fooling themselves. One of you is eventually gonna catch feelings and want more.

This. I don't get it either. A lot of these sound like relationships to me just without the label.

click to expand

+1

OP, as others have said, this guy has some serious flaws of his own. He doesn't want responsibility and runs away/turns into a troll the second shit gets real. What a loser. He's in his 40s? Has he ever been married or is all he's had is "whoops a kid" in the past?

Guys like that are ones you run from, tbh. Not fwb/fuck buddy up with.

I also question why you two didn't bother with condoms. I've always been on birth control but always use condoms anyway. One, extra protection because shit happens, and two, uh it's fwb. You have no idea if dude is sleeping with other chicks and you have to protect yourself from stds.

Which "coil" were you on? Hormonal or copper?

Posted by rockyroadicecream

OP, as others have said, this guy has some serious flaws of his own. He doesn't want responsibility and runs away/turns into a troll the second shit gets real. What a loser. He's in his 40s? Has he ever been married or is all he's had is "whoops a kid" in the past?

Guys like that are ones you run from, tbh. Not fwb/fuck buddy up with.

and +1 to you too, lady.

I think what Sid said earlier is true too. Guys don't do fwb. They do fuck buddies. They just dress it up as fwb to make it sound more palatable.

Women expect too much from the 'friend' part of friends with benefits. These guys aren't your friends. Not in any meaningful way. Probably a more accurate description would be acquaintance with benefits.

After all, at its very core, what is an intimate relationship if not a close friend that you (exclusively) sleep with?

Posted by jeane

and +1 to you too, lady.

I think what Sid said earlier is true too. Guys don't do fwb. They do fuck buddies. They just dress it up as fwb to make it sound more palatable.

Women expect too much from the 'friend' part of friends with benefits. These guys aren't your friends. Not in any meaningful way. Probably a more accurate description would be acquaintance with benefits.

After all, at its very core, what is an intimate relationship if not a close friend that you (exclusively) sleep with?

I think each one depends on the individual. I have a fwb whom I struggled with the "friend" aspect a bunch at times. But each time he just kept proving how unreliable and more acquaintance like he really was, I just readjusted my expectations lower and lower, as bad as that sounds. But it helped me from falling into that zone that a lot of women allow themselves to get into- catching feelings. Ideally, it would be nice to truly have a "friend" who you could have fun like that with, but guys are different than we are in regard to this. Period.

Where the OP is struggling is with this guy treating the entire thing as a relationship but without the title. Guys who treat a fwb as a relationship without a title do that intentionally because it gives them a lovely loophole where they can back out whenever they please and cry foul on her part. This is the trap that the OP got caught up in. Nobody can sit here and blame her for the situation when he behaved in a way that led her to believe his character was different than what it really was.

Also, late 30s and a fwb? Come on. I dislike the fact that I got myself into another fwb scenario at 30 because I felt I was done with that bs. I don't intend to get into another one beyond this point, tbh. When you get older, "fwb" shouldn't be in your vocabulary. It's time to grow up and stop going through life as a 20 something. The OP's dude is a good example of a guy who never grew up beyond his 20s.

+Rocky

+LibraSid

+1 Jean

So many plus ones that I might have missed somebody...excellent responses on this thread.

I also agree...39 it's time to grow up, throw FWB out of your vocabulary, your body is ready for babies, marriage, nesting and your nesting instincts are going to be fiercely strong which can only lead you into another half ass disappointing situation with a man.

Do yourself a favor, get your life in order to make space for love, for romance, for a real committed relationship with all the bells and whistles and you will most likely find yourself in the path of a compassionate man that will go the distance for you and with you.

Until you're in a real commitment sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically use condoms or be prepared to raise a baby alone.

Pfft, at 39, your body is almost at the tail end of the "babies" phase in life. I know it's still doable, but it gets to be a bit riskier the longer you wait.

Posted by Zeehara
as this might be a sign for me to start having kids. You see, I didn't want kids for another couple of years

——

Actually 39 is PRIME...I know doctors say it's risky but I know people who have had babies in their mid 40's to early 50's and the babies were all healthy. The body is ready at 39 for a baby, hell it's ready until it's not ready anymore ie menopause.

Just because some people you know that have done it does not make it "prime."

Can the body handle it? Yes. But do you realize that the eggs we're born with basically start getting crappier as we age, hence the higher risk of downs and other birth defects, right?

I know docs say it's risky, and well, I'm going to believe them because science > anecdotal evidence. Sorry.

Posted by Lust
Zeehara, you are a 39 yrs old and far from being mature. You are full of contradiction within your self. Full of drama. I feel very sorry to this libra man, as you were almost put him into a child support situation. This is wrong, You are unfair, & selfish. Leave this guy alone now and for all. Suck your emotions by your self, learn to be responsible on your actions. Too old for dram like this.

I hope there are many guys out there reading your post, then learn to be more selective when choosing a sex partner. What are you going to do when end up with a girl type of Zeehara? crazy woman indeed.

If this hadn't been a fwb situation, would you still do this victim blaming?

Who says a woman has to be "PRIME"...As long as the carrier is healthy, can financially maintain and has a lot of love to give I do not see anything wrong with a woman having a baby late in life. My friends did genetic test, test for down syndrome so and so forth and the babies were/are completely healthy.

It's nobodies business when it comes to having a child. If it was so risky women wouldn't risk it but there are plenty of late mothers in the world with completely healthy babies.

If there is an egg it can be used. Even an older egg is viable.

My friends babies are so calm, gentle and sweet, they don't regret having a baby late in life because in there 20's and 30's there were career driven and per their own words selfish/self involved but now that their older they have the emotional stability, financial stability and time to raise a child with love and patience.

Doctors can predict but it's per individual basis...

Posted by Lust
Nope. Besides, who is the victim here? Just because she got pregnant, that didn't automatically qualify her as a victim.

No, but his fucking ridiculous and misleading behavior sure makes her the victim. I'm not saying she's entirely innocent, but he misled her in what his true character was. As long as she's just fun and willing to spread her legs, he's okay. But the second shit gets real, he turns into an asshole? Takes two to tango and he clearly wasn't using a condom and relying solely on HER birth control method. He turns into a troll when that fucked up?

His behavior is just disgraceful. No need to blame that on the woman here, honey. In our society, it's still pretty fucked to solely blame the woman for accidents like that when it takes two to tango. Shit got real and this manchild turned into a tantrum throwing toddler when he realized his penis got him into ANOTHER potential mess. All I see is an insanely immature man freaking out because he may be responsible for some irresponsible behavior and that's just oh so scurry!

Honestly, both sound really immature and behaved stupidly. But she has every right to be upset with his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde act here and you have no place down playing her issue with the situation because you have a problem with fwb/a woman who was involved in an unfortunate accident. SHE took precautions, he did not. Remember that.

Posted by Lust
Okay I get that. He should have wore condoms. He straight up said He wants NO baby. And this woman said, "oh I only wants FWB, if accidentally I get pregnant then don't worry, it's all on me. Also I am on birth control so its okay, you don't need to wear condom, again as I said before if I get pregnant by chance, I'll take care of this on my own. I am not your Ex type, the one that you always complaining about, you know after sex talk talk"

And the guy said," okay but I want to be exclusive," this mean: don't you have sex with anybody else while you are with me, cause my risk of S T D will get higher & higher. Since you are a type of girl who like no condom. And he stills wants No baby though.

Later on, she is on reverse: "you are abandon me,, jerk! Where were you when I was pregnant? Why didn't you nurture my emotional needs when I had a change of hearth?! You are cold hearted old man you!"

Her drama story sounds to me like that. I made it a "street version talk" way. And her version: sugar coating type that confuse lots of reader.

Well let me explain this how it sounds to most sane individuals with some sort of empathy in that heart organ of theirs-

Her- "We agreed to fwb. I'll take care of the baby if I get knocked up, no worries."
Him- "Okay cool. I'm going to be all friendly and fun and treat this as a relationship with no strings. Yay going out, talking regularly, etc."
Her- "My effing birth control failed and I could be pregnant. The docs are trying to figure out wtf is going on because even THEY aren't sure."
Him- "WTF HOE, YOU'RE TRAPPING ME LIKE THAT OTHER CHICK DID. HOW DARE YOU. I SHALL START ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT. I WILL NOW IGNORE YOU, NO LONGER HANG OUT WITH YOU, OR TREAT YOU AS I DID BEFORE."
Her- "Wtf is your malfunction?? I'm freaking out here too. The least you can do is NOT be a dick about it and understand this is some wtfery for me too."
Him- "I don't care. It's all about me and how dare you put ME in risk of being a responsible adult!! I want to be able to run around and stick my dick in whoever without consequence!"

Takes two to tango.

Also, in case you didn't seem to connect the dots, the guy is behaving like a total deadbeat. He has no problem fucking around for shits n giggles, but the second it produces a baby, it's THEIR fault? Logic fail on his and your part.

I find it sad that you can sit here and justify his shitty behavior because SHE "reversed" things on him, when he's done the exact same thing to her. She stated that she just wanted him to be there on the friend front because she was in a clusterfuck situation and instead, he distanced himself and ran like a 5 year old. HE gave the impression that they were cool and at least had some sort of "friend" component going on because of all of that behavior that implied as much, yet he bails on her when this happened. THAT is her problem here. She thought she at least had a friend in the guy, considering everything he was doing, and he takes off when reality reared its ugly head.

Now you tell me who's the one who's reversing and flipping a bitch on the situation here.

And WHAT era are you from, really? You're condoning a classic scenario of a guy screwing around with women, then running away/turning into an asshole when his lower body emissions produces a child, as that's what sex is primarily for.

Frankly, the situation is a great example of why society is going downhill like it is- you have people getting knocked up who have no business being parents because they still exhibit poor decision making skills.

I'm confused - so did she say that she wanted FWB and if by chance she got pregnant she would handle it on her own? Then she DID get pregnant and ask for support? Well if thats the case then she's in the wrong to expect. But that still does not let him off the hook because he could have been more humane. The situation is too complex to comprehend. Maybe its just time to lay it to rest and move on rather than cross-analyse what "could-have", "should-have", etc.
Zeehara no point in analyzing this any further. Even if he does feel any remorse, he will lick his pride and stay out of your way. And by his actions do you seriously want such a Friend around you?