sole2
@sole2
11 YearsPisces
Comments: 0 · Posts: 137 · Topics: 8
handle insensitive libra
Hi, thanks for your reply!
I have to renew my passport before I travel because it expires soon. I've told him and we are now just waiting for the new passport to book the ticket so that is fine.
The parents thing he has told me that he needs to be happy, and that once his parents meet me they will stop worrying. They aren't against the relationship itself, just obviously him moving away far from his comfort zone and security blanket.
I have to renew my passport before I travel because it expires soon. I've told him and we are now just waiting for the new passport to book the ticket so that is fine.
The parents thing he has told me that he needs to be happy, and that once his parents meet me they will stop worrying. They aren't against the relationship itself, just obviously him moving away far from his comfort zone and security blanket.
Definitely going to confront him...again, but now I'm reaching the end of my rope. Sick of talking to him about it.
He was here once for a few weeks. When I go see him it will be the second time.
I will say in general I trust him, which is hard for me, but with him it has been easy.
His moon is virgo, and his venus is Sagittarius. He also has mercury scorpio...and I've definetly seen the scorpio jealousy.
He was here once for a few weeks. When I go see him it will be the second time.
I will say in general I trust him, which is hard for me, but with him it has been easy.
His moon is virgo, and his venus is Sagittarius. He also has mercury scorpio...and I've definetly seen the scorpio jealousy.
I wouldn't completely trust anyone I'd only met in person once. Yes, you can bond through skype and e-mails and text and phone calls, but you can't get a real feel for someone until you've been around them constantly for several months. Anyone can fool you for a short period of time, but it takes being around them in person for a while to really get to know them.
I'd be leery. Doesn't sound like he's really ready for a long term relationship. Won't be until he gets past the bitterness and puts the ex behind him for good. Make sure you're not a rebound before letting your heart jump in 100% .
*from a cautious capricorn*
I'd be leery. Doesn't sound like he's really ready for a long term relationship. Won't be until he gets past the bitterness and puts the ex behind him for good. Make sure you're not a rebound before letting your heart jump in 100% .
*from a cautious capricorn*
Posted by truecap
I wouldn't completely trust anyone I'd only met in person once. Yes, you can bond through skype and e-mails and text and phone calls, but you can't get a real feel for someone until you've been around them constantly for several months. Anyone can fool you for a short period of time, but it takes being around them in person for a while to really get to know them.
I'd be leery. Doesn't sound like he's really ready for a long term relationship. Won't be until he gets past the bitterness and puts the ex behind him for good. Make sure you're not a rebound before letting your heart jump in 100% .
*from a cautious capricorn*
you are absolutely right. Right now I am seriously considering if I want to continue. If I do what needs to happen from him.
Only you can answer that. What do you need from him? Is he willing? Does he make an effort that satisfies you?
Posted by sole2
This is my first time posting though I've read a lot 🙂 I'll try to keep it short.
Me pisces, he libra. Long-distance - he persuaded me it would work. Now he is looking for a job closer to me.
So far, amazing boyfriend. But 1 major problem keeps coming up. The ex. He broke up with her, she blocked him, now he is bitter (they broke up 5 months before we met, but she cut contact 1 month before). He didn't tell me this till he got me in love and in a committed relationship. He only told me that they broke up 5 months before and let me assume that's also when they stopped talking. So I kind of feel tricked into it too.
He keeps mentioning her. I told him at the start that it bothered me, and it has gotten A LOT better. But sometimes he can't help himself. He says he is over it, but I think he is in denial. Don't think he loves her, he is just angry and bitter.
But the result of talking about her so much is that now I am bitter too. Because he tells me all the amazing things he did for her, so now I'm always comparing if he does as much for me. I'm feeling jealous and insecure now obviously.
How do I move past this? And how do I get him to stop talking about her all?
When we fight about it he goes quiet for a few days. But he will respond immediately if I text him and ask him to meet me on Skype. I'll also say I'm too broke to travel to him, but he has offered to pay for the whole ticket. Wants me to meet his family, has told them he wants to move to me. They are opposed to it but he seems to be standing his ground. Generally he is a very nice guy, it is just this one thing.
And when I tell him my personal problems about other things, if it is very serious he also has a hard time consoling me, it overwhelms him, so I feel neglected in that respect too.
I would be wary about the five months too. But, people do move on at their own pace and I know with my Aries/Libra combo it is not very hard for me to move on to someone new and fall head over heels for them. I would just be careful.
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is g
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is going on but you still CHOOSE to stay so CHOOSE to take responsibility of your actions. So if you don't want to hear something he has to say about his ex DON"T listen. You already told him to not talk about her... he continues. So instead of expecting him to stop talking about her remove yourself from that convo if you don't like it. You already told him once. He already know and continues is a complete disregard for your feelings and that should make you upset.
Posted by xtina
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is going on but you still CHOOSE to stay so CHOOSE to take responsibility of your actions. So if you don't want to hear something he has to say about his ex DON"T listen. You already told him to not talk about her... he continues. So instead of expecting him to stop talking about her remove yourself from that convo if you don't like it. You already told him once. He already know and continues is a complete disregard for your feelings and that should make you upset.
So true 100% !
I know myself...I know I won't be able to ignore it when he mentions her, I have a few times. But inevitably I end up blowing up after a while.
The only option left to me now, I think, is to give him an ultimatum. If he fails I need to face the pain and move on sooner than later.
Posted by feby16aqua
I am just going to say that bitterness is still an emotion. So in some way he is still emotionally involved with her, even if it's with bitterness.
I am completely over something when I don't think about the person that much anymore and I am emotionally disconnected from them. I don't talk about them, unless it's a moment, and there is no anger or bitterness there at all...just indifference.
My thoughts exactly! Sometimes I need to trust my own intuition and intelligence and not doubt myself just because I want to be with someone.
Posted by sole2Posted by xtina
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is going on but you still CHOOSE to stay so CHOOSE to take responsibility of your actions. So if you don't want to hear something he has to say about his ex DON"T listen. You already told him to not talk about her... he continues. So instead of expecting him to stop talking about her remove yourself from that convo if you don't like it. You already told him once. He already know and continues is a complete disregard for your feelings and that should make you upset.
So true 100% !
I know myself...I know I won't be able to ignore it when he mentions her, I have a few times. But inevitably I end up blowing up after a while.
The only option left to me now, I think, is to give him an ultimatum. If he fails I need to face the pain and move on sooner than later.click to expand
I don't like ultimatums myself because I think they are tools of manipulation... it's a passive aggressive way of getting someone to do something that you want them to do WHEN you want them to do it rather than letting them make up their own minds about it. But, if that is what you feel like is best then that is your decision. I find in relationships you can never really control your partner's actions but you can control yours. So take the information you have at hand and make what you will of it and then base your decision off of it but in the end you can't force him into doing anything or making any decisions about anything just because you are unhappy with a situation. You need to take responsibilities for your action and instead of waiting for him to take the lead or make a decision YOU make the decision and YOU take the lead in your own actions and your own life.
Erm.
FIVE months and he got into another "relationship?" One online, no less. Sounds like a safety net to feed his beaten ego.
Two, the fact he had to talk you into it isn't a good sign. Someone shouldn't have to talk you into a relationship.
He wants to move THIS fast as in making major life changes like moving closer to you?
SHE BLOCKED HIM. Why is that?? They split and what, he was hassling her? He wouldn't stop contacting her? Lovesick puppy syndrome? What? It's interesting she blocked him at the end of 5 months post break up.
He's not being honest with you, obviously. It's a long distance relationship that's being conducted via the internet. It leaves plenty of room for false fronts and lies.
Yet here you are, considering this an actual relationship. Why are you settling for this shit?
FIVE months and he got into another "relationship?" One online, no less. Sounds like a safety net to feed his beaten ego.
Two, the fact he had to talk you into it isn't a good sign. Someone shouldn't have to talk you into a relationship.
He wants to move THIS fast as in making major life changes like moving closer to you?
SHE BLOCKED HIM. Why is that?? They split and what, he was hassling her? He wouldn't stop contacting her? Lovesick puppy syndrome? What? It's interesting she blocked him at the end of 5 months post break up.
He's not being honest with you, obviously. It's a long distance relationship that's being conducted via the internet. It leaves plenty of room for false fronts and lies.
Yet here you are, considering this an actual relationship. Why are you settling for this shit?
Posted by xtinaPosted by sole2Posted by xtina
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is going on but you still CHOOSE to stay so CHOOSE to take responsibility of your actions. So if you don't want to hear something he has to say about his ex DON"T listen. You already told him to not talk about her... he continues. So instead of expecting him to stop talking about her remove yourself from that convo if you don't like it. You already told him once. He already know and continues is a complete disregard for your feelings and that should make you upset.
So true 100% !
I know myself...I know I won't be able to ignore it when he mentions her, I have a few times. But inevitably I end up blowing up after a while.
The only option left to me now, I think, is to give him an ultimatum. If he fails I need to face the pain and move on sooner than later.
I don't like ultimatums myself because I think they are tools of manipulation... it's a passive aggressive way of getting someone to do something that you want them to do WHEN you want them to do it rather than letting them make up their own minds about it. But, if that is what you feel like is best then that is your decision. I find in relationships you can never really control your partner's actions but you can control yours. So take the information you have at hand and make what you will of it and then base your decision off of it but in the end you can't force him into doing anything or making any decisions about anything just because you are unhappy with a situation. You need to take responsibilities for your action and instead of waiting for him to take the lead or make a decision YOU make the decision and YOU take the lead in your own actions and your own life.click to expand
I need to tell him my needs. If he loves me he has to compromise, for me relationships are about compromise in order for them to work. I understand ultimatums are annoying. But this is what
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Erm.
FIVE months and he got into another "relationship?" One online, no less. Sounds like a safety net to feed his beaten ego.
Two, the fact he had to talk you into it isn't a good sign. Someone shouldn't have to talk you into a relationship.
He wants to move THIS fast as in making major life changes like moving closer to you?
SHE BLOCKED HIM. Why is that?? They split and what, he was hassling her? He wouldn't stop contacting her? Lovesick puppy syndrome? What? It's interesting she blocked him at the end of 5 months post break up.
He's not being honest with you, obviously. It's a long distance relationship that's being conducted via the internet. It leaves plenty of room for false fronts and lies.
Yet here you are, considering this an actual relationship. Why are you settling for this shit?
Yup...he was a lovesick puppy, wouldn't give her space to move on. He admitted that to me. He has told me enough about that relationship (unfortunately) that I know what happened as if I was in it, hahaha.
I understand from the outside it looks like total cr**. But I can't describe how it felt when we were physically together, I have never felt such peace and easiness with a man, and I've been with enough to know the difference.
My last two relationships I walked pretty fast with the first signs of butter, so it is not that I am a desperate woman with no dignity. It's just that we have a great relationship (I know..the internet) if it weren't for this one thing.
I mean the plane ticket he is buying is not cheap (we are on two different continents), and I know he is not exactly rich so it is not extra change he has lying around - it literally is an investment in the relationship. The fact that he has told his family about me and his intentions with where he wants things to go is a big deal because his culture is very family oriented, most people don't leave their parents' home until they marry. There you don't bring family into a relationship unless you are serious.
He is also dependable, calls when he says he will, if he is not busy he responds to my texts and messages immediately. When he travels for work he makes sure to keep in touch with me, even if he doesn't have a laptop with him. He has a steady job. There are many other things about him that for me are what I need in a relationship and man. He is not those superficial men w
Posted by Aesma
Your relationship seems to be going great (minus the ex talk) but don't rush. Wait for a year or so and see if he's consistent. If he wants you to meet his family and you can go, do it! Get to know him better.
About the personal problems bit, at first, this was our issue too - communication. This area needs a lot of work. We do communicate differently. When he tells me about his problems, initially I wasn't too comforting. I always gave him an action oriented advice on his problems. I had to learn how to reassure him. When it came to my problems, he wanted to fix it for me all the time and he gets frustrated if there's nothing he can do about it. Eventually, we worked it out and we have better communication now.
If you'd like to understand him more, this might be a good read. The Libra guys said they're like this too.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/what-it-means-to-love-a-libra/<BR>
I hope that helps. I wish both of you all the best!
Thanks Aesma! Congratulations on your engagement!!
Things were amazing other than this. But I don't know anymore, I haven't heard from him in two days. And all he said was that he was at work, then let me know when he got home, and I just wished him a good night because I didn't want to seem clingy. This was two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. Just texted him asked him if he is ok, and no reply, and he usually replies quickly. I don't know what to do anymore.
Posted by AesmaPosted by sole2
Thanks Aesma! Congratulations on your engagement!!
Things were amazing other than this. But I don't know anymore, I haven't heard from him in two days. And all he said was that he was at work, then let me know when he got home, and I just wished him a good night because I didn't want to seem clingy. This was two days ago and I haven't heard from him since. Just texted him asked him if he is ok, and no reply, and he usually replies quickly. I don't know what to do anymore.
Yikes! This is why I said wait for at least a year and see if there's consistency. I hope you hear from him soon. It's okay to text him at least once a day. Just keep it short, caring and sweet.
My relationship required a great deal of patience. Whenever we argued, it's literally like a brewing storm but we were both dedicated to making it work.click to expand
Thanks so much...your words and advice are really helping me get through this!I'm dreading going to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep. I'm a pisces so am super sensitive.
How long should I continue texting him while being ignored? When do I know it is time to give up?
And if he does come back how do I handle it?
Posted by AesmaPosted by sole2
Thanks so much...your words and advice are really helping me get through this!I'm dreading going to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep. I'm a pisces so am super sensitive.
How long should I continue texting him while being ignored? When do I know it is time to give up?
And if he does come back how do I handle it?
Oh sole, it all depends on you. How far are you willing to go? How patient do you want to be? How much do you want to give? Are you determined to get to the bottom of this? Are you prepared to make a fool of yourself? How far are you willing to love this person? Have you set boundaries? What do you want out of this? Are you prepared to be hurt? How long do you want to wait? All the answers lie inside you.
So far him suddenly doing this is raising alarm bells. You should read topics here, they're mostly the same, libra dude suddenly just stopped calling them or became cold. It's a dreadful pattern. I've been there myself with my lib ex but I've always known he wasn't the one for me.
This sorta relationship isn't a walk in the park. It's hard work. There's a lot of things you'd have in common but communication would always be a problem but it's the same with any relationship, really but you both need to want the same thing.
I've been with a gem, a libra, a taurus and him. This is by far the hardest and most challenging one I've had but we both grew and became a better person out of it.click to expand
He replied to my text a few hours later, said he missed me and we can talk today. So we did, for an hour. Basically it went well, and he has been working late and is miserable because he hates his job and he has lost his expensive phone. So typical me has been overthinking and talking myself into a funk thinking of worst case scenarios. He told me which of his emails it is better for me to contact him on, and he said he had downloaded whatsapp the other day thinking I had it (I did on my old phone and recently bought a new one so hadn't downloaded it yet) since he can't use Skype on his phone since he lost the one he had it on. Then he asked for space until his work calms down because he is stressed with work and feels like a 'useless' boyfriend because he can't be as available to me because of it (his polite way of saying I am adding to his stres
So what are you going to do?
Posted by TaurusNikki
So what are you going to do?
Hi Nikki,
I'm going to give him all the space he needs. I think it is a good sign that he still wants to buy my plane ticket to see him and meet his family. He told me to just send him the reservation once I've got my passport and he will pay for it. And I give him kudos for honestly telling me what is up instead of disappearing for days or weeks like I have read on here is quite common with other libras(he's only been quiet for two days, and he did try to get in touch with me on whatsapp during that time, he said texts are too expensive). I just started thinking the worst because we'd gotten into it about his ex a few days earlier.
I'm obviously crazy about this man. And usually when he has told me he will be busy or travelling in the past I would just leave him alone, and he would initiate the contact like two days later lol, and I could tell he missed me while he didn't hear from me because then he gets extra clingy. The longest I haven't heard from him is 3 days after he told me why he will be quiet. So I'm going to do the same thing, except this time it is a test to see if he will miss me like before, then I'll know I created the problems in my head. If he doesn't act the same way then I will know something is up that he is not telling me.
But in the meantime I have other stuff going on great so luckily I can focus on other things.
The only thing I'm grumpy about is that he said he doesn't have access to the email we normally use because he can't remember the password and he had it saved on his lost phone (um, we all know how to get forgotten passwords back). But he said it because I sent him an e-mailing giving him hell about his ex again, hahahaha, and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. But I've read and gotten used to how libra avoid confrontation at all costs, and talking about his ex always gets me heated so...I didn't challenge him on it because I didn't feel like talking about it anyway, which is what I have ALWAYS been wanting.
So I feel like the universe has given me time to watch how things play out by making me wait for a passport. If he stays the same person and character I fell in love with for sure I am getting on that plane. If I'm not happy with how things go at least I haven't yet wasted years of my life 🙂
This sotry seem too much with one I know... I only can tell you : TAKE CARE ! A relationship with a Libra , from distance, is very mysterious ! For sure he hide many things to you if he still mention his ex ! In fact he may be even his wife and you don't know this ! He may be in a divorce since 6 months and you also may don't know this.. and so on.... Why would be his family against you if they really never met you —? this is again a enigma ! Some peoples can't be against someone before they know that person ! Is logic ! So in my opinion, he hide a lot of things to you now , from distance... If your feelings say to you that this will not workiong and your heart keep you step back, then do this ! Listen your feelings, is your own instinct and it is true and better avoid something that is unsecure than to enter in some shit ... He will never end up ith his ex or his exs.. he mention her always just to makes you used by this and to accept him as he is , with all his ex, ex.... No way ! Find a better way in your life and don't be impressed by a Libra words and fast actions !
"The only thing I'm grumpy about is that he said he doesn't have access to the email we normally use because he can't remember the password and he had it saved on his lost phone (um, we all know how to get forgotten passwords back). But he said it because I sent him an e-mailing giving him hell about his ex again, hahahaha, and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. But I've read and gotten used to how libra avoid confrontation at all costs, and talking about his ex always gets me heated so...I didn't challenge him on it because I didn't feel like talking about it anyway, which is what I have ALWAYS been wanting. "
- This is only his lies dear ! He is hiding many things with that "ex" or who is her in his life... Other way, a Libra rare or almost never talk about his ex all of the time. He only want makes you conscient about his "ex" and to accept him and the things he did for her ! Later, he may tells you : "My ex was back to me because I did lot of things for her and she knows I loved her " and you will feel crazy of angry hearing and see this , you will remaining suffering and he will say to youn " but I told you about her from start, is just I can't control the things now , not my fault " ... What will you by then —? SO ... tell him now :" when you finish talking to me about your ex and about wwhat you did for her , etc.., then we can start a relationship. Until now, I am free, you are free ! " If you just let the things together , he will be only the victime later and you will be the one who suffer. So, make a serious decision now, not later when other things may appear. good luck !
- This is only his lies dear ! He is hiding many things with that "ex" or who is her in his life... Other way, a Libra rare or almost never talk about his ex all of the time. He only want makes you conscient about his "ex" and to accept him and the things he did for her ! Later, he may tells you : "My ex was back to me because I did lot of things for her and she knows I loved her " and you will feel crazy of angry hearing and see this , you will remaining suffering and he will say to youn " but I told you about her from start, is just I can't control the things now , not my fault " ... What will you by then —? SO ... tell him now :" when you finish talking to me about your ex and about wwhat you did for her , etc.., then we can start a relationship. Until now, I am free, you are free ! " If you just let the things together , he will be only the victime later and you will be the one who suffer. So, make a serious decision now, not later when other things may appear. good luck !
Posted by Aesma
Hmm not so bad. The longest I could go without hearing from my love is 3 days. Anything longer than that drives me crazy.
I'm upfront with my needs. If I need space, I tell my s/o about it and he just says "Okay" but TBH it never lasts 3 days. Even if we both agree we shouldn't talk to much, we just can't get enough of each other and put our differences aside.
There were times in our relationship where everything just goes against me and it all seemed like I'm ignoring him on his end and then he'd freak out and accuse me of neglecting him. It infuriated me once and have had enough of the accusations so I shouted to him once while telling him everything that happened. Since then, he waits until I tell him how my day went and why I couldn't reach him before he jumps to any conclusion.
Sometimes, sole, the odds are just not in our favor and it might seem like we don't care enough to reach out or let you know what's going on. Be aware too that your paranoia levels might be higher because of the whole LDR situation.
I'm glad he still wants you to meet his parents. Let him know about your tendency to think about worst case scenarios. If there's anything bugging you, tell him in a way that doesn't sound accusatory and if you can think of ways to remedy situations like that, suggest what you'd want him to do.
It's good that you have time to see how this all pans out. I hope everything works out.
Hi Aesma,
Hahaha yeah, we can never stay away from each other, even when we are both travelling. This morning he sent me two emails already, one offering to send me pictures of the snow (it is summer where I am), and another sending me a funny meme.
But so good you and your S/O have learned each other. It sounds like you guys have developed a good rhythm and understanding of each other. And your S/O sounds like he really loves you.
All I know is for sure if me and him don't work out I want someone like him, just without the ex drama, hahaha. He is libra/scorpio cusp (21 Oct). And of all my past relationships (leo, aquarius, scorpio) he has generally been my best fit. I dated another libra before him, who was also great, but at the time I was only 20 so had all my priorities wrong and didn't see how great he was.
It's odd because my two best boyfriends have been libra but many sites say that libra and pisces are not an ideal match. My first
My first libra and I are still great friends 8 years later.
- This is only his lies dear ! He is hiding many things with that "ex" or who is her in his life... Other way, a Libra rare or almost never talk about his ex all of the time. He only want makes you conscient about his "ex" and to accept him and the things he did for her ! Later, he may tells you : "My ex was back to me because I did lot of things for her and she knows I loved her " and you will feel crazy of angry hearing and see this , you will remaining suffering and he will say to youn " but I told you about her from start, is just I can't control the things now , not my fault " ... What will you by then —? SO ... tell him now :" when you finish talking to me about your ex and about wwhat you did for her , etc.., then we can start a relationship. Until now, I am free, you are free ! " If you just let the things together , he will be only the victime later and you will be the one who suffer. So, make a serious decision now, not later when other things may appear. good luck !
He replied to the e-mail at 2am yesterday, mostly feeling sorry for himself (wtf) and said he is shy about asking for space when he needs it because he worries about me taking it and wrong way and then he loses me.
He replied to the e-mail at 2am yesterday, mostly feeling sorry for himself (wtf) and said he is shy about asking for space when he needs it because he worries about me taking it and wrong way and then he loses me.
And he finally understands what I have been complaining about with the ex thing, and he understands it has made him emotionally unavailable at times and he said sorry for everything.
But he asked me to think more about if I really want things to be over before I make a decision...and he can't not have me in his life at all and even if we break up he still wants me to visit....blah blah blah. Sounds like all the right things to say. Sounds like he wants to keep the benefits of me in his life without taking responsibility because he still didn't give a clear answer about what is preventing him from moving on a year after they broke up.
I told him I can't continue this way and I can't stay in a relationship where I feel insecure indefinitely and I've already given him 8 months to work through it so I don't see what's his problem. I was really firm - so proud of myself, hahaha. But he should focus on his work and take his space and we should talk more when his load lightens (ok sometimes I hate this pisces compassion and always feeling bad and guilty for other people) about the way forward. But if he wants to keep me around no more butter and I need more than just words, otherwise I am out.
I wish he was an a***hole, it would make it so much easier to walk away. Now I'm going to spend this time focusing on other things, and preparing myself mentally to be strong for the talk to break up if I get no straightness from him on this.
But he asked me to think more about if I really want things to be over before I make a decision...and he can't not have me in his life at all and even if we break up he still wants me to visit....blah blah blah. Sounds like all the right things to say. Sounds like he wants to keep the benefits of me in his life without taking responsibility because he still didn't give a clear answer about what is preventing him from moving on a year after they broke up.
I told him I can't continue this way and I can't stay in a relationship where I feel insecure indefinitely and I've already given him 8 months to work through it so I don't see what's his problem. I was really firm - so proud of myself, hahaha. But he should focus on his work and take his space and we should talk more when his load lightens (ok sometimes I hate this pisces compassion and always feeling bad and guilty for other people) about the way forward. But if he wants to keep me around no more butter and I need more than just words, otherwise I am out.
I wish he was an a***hole, it would make it so much easier to walk away. Now I'm going to spend this time focusing on other things, and preparing myself mentally to be strong for the talk to break up if I get no straightness from him on this.
Jessy - these are exactly my biggest fears and why I'm so unhappy about this ex situation! But do you make decisions based on fears and speculation of what might happen in the future, or do you make decisions based on what you want? I know for sure they can't be together, she was Arab she can't marry without her parents' permission. They would likely never allow it because he is not Arab. So he was with her for 4 years and he was kept a secret the whole time and they snuck around like teenagers. So he always says he is angry with himself for wasting so much time and he broke up because he couldn't wait anymore until she is 30 (women can make their own decisions at 30 in her country). So I understand...how can you not be bitter and angry about putting yourself through that degradation for 4 years. What I'm worried about is if I am being used as a comfort blanket to fill her void.
Posted by sole2Posted by xtinaPosted by sole2Posted by xtina
Last, he was not up front about his relationship with his ex which makes me think he has something to hide. Or at least feel guilty or ashamed about... what that is I don't know. What I do know is... were you tricked? Yes. But do you know now? YES. So take it upon yourself to be aware of what is going on... don't play the victim card. You now know what is going on but you still CHOOSE to stay so CHOOSE to take responsibility of your actions. So if you don't want to hear something he has to say about his ex DON"T listen. You already told him to not talk about her... he continues. So instead of expecting him to stop talking about her remove yourself from that convo if you don't like it. You already told him once. He already know and continues is a complete disregard for your feelings and that should make you upset.
So true 100% !
I know myself...I know I won't be able to ignore it when he mentions her, I have a few times. But inevitably I end up blowing up after a while.
The only option left to me now, I think, is to give him an ultimatum. If he fails I need to face the pain and move on sooner than later.
I don't like ultimatums myself because I think they are tools of manipulation... it's a passive aggressive way of getting someone to do something that you want them to do WHEN you want them to do it rather than letting them make up their own minds about it. But, if that is what you feel like is best then that is your decision. I find in relationships you can never really control your partner's actions but you can control yours. So take the information you have at hand and make what you will of it and then base your decision off of it but in the end you can't force him into doing anything or making any decisions about anything just because you are unhappy with a situation. You need to take responsibilities for your action and instead of waiting for him to take the lead or make a decision YOU make the decision and YOU take the lead in your own actions and your own life.click to expand
I need to tell him my needs. If he loves me he has to compromise, for me relationships are about compromi
I know relationships are about compromise but I would not expect him to. You would want someone to give you love genuinely and not because you forced them or manipulated them to. And this includes compromising... because compromise is still a two way street. It's not something you can force on someone. It is about being treated fairly but don't forget the reason that men do these things... i.e. treat you badly or do something you specifically asked them not to is because YOU let them do it. That means you let it slide one too many times when you should have been straight and firm to begin with.
How do you do that. Easy, don't make it about him and what HE needs to do. Make it about you and what YOU need to do. Also, relationships are about compromises but that goes BOTH ways. You have to pick and choose your battles. You have to really think of whether what your choosing is worth the fight or not. Because the way I see it, as long as it's not demeaning your character purposefully or in a malicious way it's NOT worth the fight. You don't want to end up high maintenance and the the girl who is always changing her partner rather than accepting him for who he is. Because then that is not a relationship that is fair or compromising and neither is it fair.
You are not entitled to a compromise just because you are in a relationship you have to earn it by being fair to him... if you want him to care about you and your needs you need reciprocate the same sentiments in return and not expect him to take responsibility and actions all the time. YOU need to take action and responsibilities too and giving him an ultimatum does not count because an ultimatum is like slacking off all the responsibility to him.
How do you do that. Easy, don't make it about him and what HE needs to do. Make it about you and what YOU need to do. Also, relationships are about compromises but that goes BOTH ways. You have to pick and choose your battles. You have to really think of whether what your choosing is worth the fight or not. Because the way I see it, as long as it's not demeaning your character purposefully or in a malicious way it's NOT worth the fight. You don't want to end up high maintenance and the the girl who is always changing her partner rather than accepting him for who he is. Because then that is not a relationship that is fair or compromising and neither is it fair.
You are not entitled to a compromise just because you are in a relationship you have to earn it by being fair to him... if you want him to care about you and your needs you need reciprocate the same sentiments in return and not expect him to take responsibility and actions all the time. YOU need to take action and responsibilities too and giving him an ultimatum does not count because an ultimatum is like slacking off all the responsibility to him.
My point is... ultimatums are a hypocrisy. Because it is asking for fairness but only for ONE side... and most women it that make it never really consider the side of their partners. They're only concerned with their needs and what they want while slacking off responsibility and all the decision making to their partners. It is NOT a fair way to get what you want.
Posted by xtina
My point is... ultimatums are a hypocrisy. Because it is asking for fairness but only for ONE side... and most women it that make it never really consider the side of their partners. They're only concerned with their needs and what they want while slacking off responsibility and all the decision making to their partners. It is NOT a fair way to get what you want.
You are right...thanks for shaking sense into me, hahaha. Well ultimately I guess I have gotten myself into a hot mess of a complicated situation. So now I'm trying to psych myself into having the iron will, when he gets back from his space, to call it quits because you are right, if he wanted to or was capable he would have gotten over his past by now and only focused on me. I totally deserve better than what I'm getting and I don't have it in me to wait around indefinitely to see if it gets better or I get hurt.
Aesma,
Hahahaha I know - I need to get a grip and also figure out what I want. I am now the libra scales - on one side is my dignity that I need someone who is 100% ready for me, and on the other side is my dream man with tons of baggage, hahaha. I need balance! Hahaha
I am the only one he has to confide to. He had one person he thought was his bestfriend, until I pointed out to him that it was this friend who had experience dating Arab girls and still set-up my bf with this girl. Apparently even the friend's mother warned her son about Arab girls using western men as an escape route from their lives on the pretence of love. Seems this girl had no intention of ever leaving her life, just used him for fun for the time being (that's what he says - but bitter people always make the other person seem the bad guy).
But the friend didn't pass on the message to my bf. And he is also upset with his parents for keeping quiet and not warning or advising him, but allowing him to get hurt (again not taking responsibility for his own actions). So yes, he has a lot of stuff weighing him down, but I advised him that he can't use a new gf as a therapist, and that he should go to a counsellor or therapist. Then he got offended and said how can I accuse him of being crazy (men can be so grrrrr).
But this is what I mean that I am worried I am just a comfort blanket, what if I invest and be there for him, and one day once he's healed then he realises I just came at a convenient time but I'm not really the one for him. So this is what I need to try to figure out somehow before I make a decision.
Hahahaha I know - I need to get a grip and also figure out what I want. I am now the libra scales - on one side is my dignity that I need someone who is 100% ready for me, and on the other side is my dream man with tons of baggage, hahaha. I need balance! Hahaha
I am the only one he has to confide to. He had one person he thought was his bestfriend, until I pointed out to him that it was this friend who had experience dating Arab girls and still set-up my bf with this girl. Apparently even the friend's mother warned her son about Arab girls using western men as an escape route from their lives on the pretence of love. Seems this girl had no intention of ever leaving her life, just used him for fun for the time being (that's what he says - but bitter people always make the other person seem the bad guy).
But the friend didn't pass on the message to my bf. And he is also upset with his parents for keeping quiet and not warning or advising him, but allowing him to get hurt (again not taking responsibility for his own actions). So yes, he has a lot of stuff weighing him down, but I advised him that he can't use a new gf as a therapist, and that he should go to a counsellor or therapist. Then he got offended and said how can I accuse him of being crazy (men can be so grrrrr).
But this is what I mean that I am worried I am just a comfort blanket, what if I invest and be there for him, and one day once he's healed then he realises I just came at a convenient time but I'm not really the one for him. So this is what I need to try to figure out somehow before I make a decision.
Just wanted to thank everyone for their input, suggestions and support! You have really helped me to remain sane during this time, hahaha.
I just sent him a break-up e-mail. Basically all hell broke loose in my life today (school stuff - I'm doing my Master's degree) and I can't go see him till after July when I submit my thesis. So I told him it is not fair to make him stay in a relationship where I can't give him my time, and in any case the truth is I can't spend my love and emotional energy on someone who still has issues with his past. I've told him that if we still have feelings after my life has calmed down in July we can try again, and I can spend at least 6 months with him after I graduate, and he can also use this time to work on getting over his past.
Waiting for his reply. But I think I should use this time to just get over him since we know libras cannot stay single for long and he will end up with someone else sooner rather than later. So I'm really heartbroken right now, but somehow I feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Thank you thank you again to everyone who took the time to listen to my sob story and crazy back and forth! I'll keep you updated!
I just sent him a break-up e-mail. Basically all hell broke loose in my life today (school stuff - I'm doing my Master's degree) and I can't go see him till after July when I submit my thesis. So I told him it is not fair to make him stay in a relationship where I can't give him my time, and in any case the truth is I can't spend my love and emotional energy on someone who still has issues with his past. I've told him that if we still have feelings after my life has calmed down in July we can try again, and I can spend at least 6 months with him after I graduate, and he can also use this time to work on getting over his past.
Waiting for his reply. But I think I should use this time to just get over him since we know libras cannot stay single for long and he will end up with someone else sooner rather than later. So I'm really heartbroken right now, but somehow I feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Thank you thank you again to everyone who took the time to listen to my sob story and crazy back and forth! I'll keep you updated!
Posted by sole2Posted by TaurusNikki
So what are you going to do?click to expand
Hi Nikki,
I'm going to give him all the space he needs. I think it is a good sign that he still wants to buy my plane ticket to see him and meet his family. He told me to just send him the reservation once I've got my passport and he will pay for it. And I give him kudos for honestly telling me what is up instead of disappearing for days or weeks like I have read on here is quite common with other libras(he's only been quiet for two days, and he did try to get in touch with me on whatsapp during that time, he said texts are too expensive). I just started thinking the worst because we'd gotten into it about his ex a few days earlier.
I'm obviously crazy about this man. And usually when he has told me he will be busy or travelling in the past I would just leave him alone, and he would initiate the contact like two days later lol, and I could tell he missed me while he didn't hear from me because then he gets extra clingy. The longest I haven't heard from him is 3 days after he told me why he will be quiet. So I'm going to do the same thing, except this time it is a test to see if he will miss me like before, then I'll know I created the problems in my head. If he doesn't act the same way then I will know something is up that he is not telling me.
But in the meantime I have other stuff going on great so luckily I can focus on other things.
The only thing I'm grumpy about is that he said he doesn't have access to the email we normally use because he can't remember the password and he had it saved on his lost phone (um, we all know how to get forgotten passwords back). But he said it because I sent him an e-mailing giving him hell about his ex again, hahahaha, and he obviously didn't want to talk about it. But I've read and gotten used to how libra avoid confrontation at all costs, and talking about his ex always gets me heated so...I didn't challenge him on it because I didn't feel like talking about it anyway, which is what I have ALWAYS been wanting.
So I feel like the universe has given me time to watch how things play out by making me wait for a passport. If he stays the same person and character I fell in love with for sure I am getting on that plane. If I'm not happy with how things go at least I haven't yet wasted year
Thank you! You're so sweet!
He wants me back. I don't know, will you keep you updated.
He's tried hard to be in touch every day this week. And has promised to stop talking about the ex.
He apologised, said he regrets making me feel bad about it, promises he is over his ex, says he is not ready to lose me. Says he is a dreamer but realistic too, and the problems we have should not be enough to split us up, and he sees our problems as 'speedbumps, not roadblocks'.
Was too exhausted to also get into the fb thing with him too. I just said 'yes, yes, yes'. But to be honest I didn't totally buy it.
Says he told me everything when we talked about something that reminded him of the past, and he wants me to know everything about his past (this answer seems too smooth for me).
But then I wonder if I am being too harsh since he has never given me a reason to doubt him (other than bringing up his ex more than is comfortable).
I think only time will tell. But I've been hurt so bad in the past, that his words haven't made me relax, and he thinks everything is cool now, but I'm still not good. I guess because of my past hurts I can't let my guard down to just trust what he says and how we feel about each other.
He wants me back. I don't know, will you keep you updated.
He's tried hard to be in touch every day this week. And has promised to stop talking about the ex.
He apologised, said he regrets making me feel bad about it, promises he is over his ex, says he is not ready to lose me. Says he is a dreamer but realistic too, and the problems we have should not be enough to split us up, and he sees our problems as 'speedbumps, not roadblocks'.
Was too exhausted to also get into the fb thing with him too. I just said 'yes, yes, yes'. But to be honest I didn't totally buy it.
Says he told me everything when we talked about something that reminded him of the past, and he wants me to know everything about his past (this answer seems too smooth for me).
But then I wonder if I am being too harsh since he has never given me a reason to doubt him (other than bringing up his ex more than is comfortable).
I think only time will tell. But I've been hurt so bad in the past, that his words haven't made me relax, and he thinks everything is cool now, but I'm still not good. I guess because of my past hurts I can't let my guard down to just trust what he says and how we feel about each other.
Hey Aesma,
We ended up talking for 6 hours last night, about so many things that I'm feeling a million times better.
When I sent him the break up e-mail and told him he can choose to see other people and if in July we are both single and feel the same we can try again, or wait for me till July, he thought I was asking for an open relationship o-0 He said he feels like a bad bf he can't please me physically, and he doesn't want me with other men but worries I will burn out from LDR without intimacy. I was like 'wtf'. Suspicious and over-thinking me thought he is subtly trying to convince me to see other people so that he can too. I was like, no way, either we are together or not, but I don't do open relationships. So he told me he over-thinks and imagines things too and thought I couldn't wait for sex (trust men to think sex would be upper-most in someone's mind).
And he didn't bring up the ex, only said he is sorry for breaking my heart with it 🙂 And said he will remove her pictures from fb!! And he apologised for being busy but said there is nothing he can do because he is really busy, and asked me to get a new phone so it is easier for us to keep in touch with whatsapp.
I think my doubts about his words is because I'd always been told that you should watch a man's actions, and not his words. And I've been with men who make all kinds of promises then break them, so I guess I've just become a doubter of men in general. But I'm going to try to work on this doubt and not make him pay for the actions of other men.
But I feel so much better that we cleared the air - and he also told me about things that were bothering him too.
And you're so right - these things weren't worth breaking up over. And you're also right that I shouldn't just be passive about it. I've just been hurt so bad in the past that I guess I have low tolerance levels and patience these days - I was single for 4 years before I met him because I'd had one bad relationship after the other.
I've decided I'm going to really make an effort to visit him at least once before July, maybe over Easter or something. I've never met a man who is so open with communication and patient and can be honest about his own vulnerabilities and errors.
We ended up talking for 6 hours last night, about so many things that I'm feeling a million times better.
When I sent him the break up e-mail and told him he can choose to see other people and if in July we are both single and feel the same we can try again, or wait for me till July, he thought I was asking for an open relationship o-0 He said he feels like a bad bf he can't please me physically, and he doesn't want me with other men but worries I will burn out from LDR without intimacy. I was like 'wtf'. Suspicious and over-thinking me thought he is subtly trying to convince me to see other people so that he can too. I was like, no way, either we are together or not, but I don't do open relationships. So he told me he over-thinks and imagines things too and thought I couldn't wait for sex (trust men to think sex would be upper-most in someone's mind).
And he didn't bring up the ex, only said he is sorry for breaking my heart with it 🙂 And said he will remove her pictures from fb!! And he apologised for being busy but said there is nothing he can do because he is really busy, and asked me to get a new phone so it is easier for us to keep in touch with whatsapp.
I think my doubts about his words is because I'd always been told that you should watch a man's actions, and not his words. And I've been with men who make all kinds of promises then break them, so I guess I've just become a doubter of men in general. But I'm going to try to work on this doubt and not make him pay for the actions of other men.
But I feel so much better that we cleared the air - and he also told me about things that were bothering him too.
And you're so right - these things weren't worth breaking up over. And you're also right that I shouldn't just be passive about it. I've just been hurt so bad in the past that I guess I have low tolerance levels and patience these days - I was single for 4 years before I met him because I'd had one bad relationship after the other.
I've decided I'm going to really make an effort to visit him at least once before July, maybe over Easter or something. I've never met a man who is so open with communication and patient and can be honest about his own vulnerabilities and errors.
Hey Aesma,
We talked again last night and I asked him about the open relationship thing and he said that he is worried that I will get bored with him while waiting until July, and maybe I should try to find some nice guy here who can treat me the way he does. Then I told him if he is asking me to find a nice guy closer to me that means we have to break up if I do find one, it's logical to me. Then he started crying.
So now I feel like I am getting mixed messages and maybe he is testing me.
We still talked about him moving here, he still wants me to spend a lot of time with him in July, and he even said he might not let me come back. He reminded me again to get whatsapp. He is being the sweet man I fell in love with. I asked him if he is disappointed in me I can't see him as we planned, and he said no - it's not my fault. But he did say that he thinks I am behaving like a high school girl with my insistence on the importance of facebook. We talk about kids all the time and he told me that if I got pregnant by accident he would send money and visit as much as possible and it would make him happy if I had a part of him that way (he and his ex had an abortion so I can tell the event really makes him long to have children).
At first I thought he is encouraging me to date other people until July so he can get a 'pass' to date other people too. I've learnt with him that sometimes he doesn't say things directly (libra avoiding conflict?), but tries to manipulate things in a certain way without saying what he wants directly. But when I asked him if he wants to see other women he said no. But why ask your gf to see other people if you don't plan to? Seems illogical to me.
So I wonder if libras like to test people? Maybe he is genuinely worried he will lose me before July, and is trying to push me away to prevent being hurt later? Or he wants to see how much I am willing to fight for him? Like you say to watch for inconcistency, maybe that is what he is trying to see from me too.
Or maybe this is typical libra indecision of not wanting to lose me but not being sure what is the right thing to do?
So far I have not gotten that women's intuition that he could already by cheating or lying.
Anyway, everything you're been saying here has really helped me (yeah even the third-party opinion helps a lot), so I always look forward to seeing your messages 🙂 It is so nice to get words of wisdom from someone with no vested interest in the outcome (unlik
We talked again last night and I asked him about the open relationship thing and he said that he is worried that I will get bored with him while waiting until July, and maybe I should try to find some nice guy here who can treat me the way he does. Then I told him if he is asking me to find a nice guy closer to me that means we have to break up if I do find one, it's logical to me. Then he started crying.
So now I feel like I am getting mixed messages and maybe he is testing me.
We still talked about him moving here, he still wants me to spend a lot of time with him in July, and he even said he might not let me come back. He reminded me again to get whatsapp. He is being the sweet man I fell in love with. I asked him if he is disappointed in me I can't see him as we planned, and he said no - it's not my fault. But he did say that he thinks I am behaving like a high school girl with my insistence on the importance of facebook. We talk about kids all the time and he told me that if I got pregnant by accident he would send money and visit as much as possible and it would make him happy if I had a part of him that way (he and his ex had an abortion so I can tell the event really makes him long to have children).
At first I thought he is encouraging me to date other people until July so he can get a 'pass' to date other people too. I've learnt with him that sometimes he doesn't say things directly (libra avoiding conflict?), but tries to manipulate things in a certain way without saying what he wants directly. But when I asked him if he wants to see other women he said no. But why ask your gf to see other people if you don't plan to? Seems illogical to me.
So I wonder if libras like to test people? Maybe he is genuinely worried he will lose me before July, and is trying to push me away to prevent being hurt later? Or he wants to see how much I am willing to fight for him? Like you say to watch for inconcistency, maybe that is what he is trying to see from me too.
Or maybe this is typical libra indecision of not wanting to lose me but not being sure what is the right thing to do?
So far I have not gotten that women's intuition that he could already by cheating or lying.
Anyway, everything you're been saying here has really helped me (yeah even the third-party opinion helps a lot), so I always look forward to seeing your messages 🙂 It is so nice to get words of wisdom from someone with no vested interest in the outcome (unlik
unlike family and friends.
lol he's feeding you pretty words and you're falling for it.
We just had a HUGE blow up, our biggest ever. Basically - I confronted him about this open relationship thing. Finally after I borderline interrogated him he admitted that he was doing it to hurt me. I'd made a joke days ago about him seeing hookers till we see each other in July, and he said he felt so hurt by it that he needed to get me back, so decided to hurt me by telling me to see other guys. WTF This is blowing my mind. Who does that? This is a huge turn-off.
And he said he is so worried about me burning out from this LDR and is worried we will drift apart. He said we are always fighting now and he thinks I don't even enjoy his company anymore. I think you are right that he is feeling insecure and needs an ego stroke.
So Aesma, we were both right - he was acting fishy and this open relationship thing was serious alarm bells. And I was right that it was just a form of manipulation.
We talked about just breaking up till July (I have to be in his city in August for other commitments) and I told him if we break up there is no guarantee we would still have feelings for each other. And even if there were - if he had a new gf I wouldn't want to see him. Then he complained about me not committing to seeing him in July if we do break up now. So basically, I get the feeling he would be ok with breaking up if I promise I will see him in July. And in the meantime he gets to play and have fun. I'm not ok with this and told him. I want a future with a strong man - not someone who is ok with taking breaks to fool around with other people. But he STILL won't just say he wants to fool around with other people - but of course he won't, he knows that's a dealbreaker.
I'm feeling so exhausted now. He's got a cold and lots of work, and I have lots of work. So I said we should take a break until we are both in a better mental space. I'm not holding my breath - I don't know if I should just forgive and forget that he hurt me intentionally by telling me to date other guys.
We just worked out the ex and fb thing and I was feeling so happy - and then all of this comes up. He said he is tired of fighting, and I am too. But what did he expect by playing so dirty with me, that I'd just let it go.
And he said he is so worried about me burning out from this LDR and is worried we will drift apart. He said we are always fighting now and he thinks I don't even enjoy his company anymore. I think you are right that he is feeling insecure and needs an ego stroke.
So Aesma, we were both right - he was acting fishy and this open relationship thing was serious alarm bells. And I was right that it was just a form of manipulation.
We talked about just breaking up till July (I have to be in his city in August for other commitments) and I told him if we break up there is no guarantee we would still have feelings for each other. And even if there were - if he had a new gf I wouldn't want to see him. Then he complained about me not committing to seeing him in July if we do break up now. So basically, I get the feeling he would be ok with breaking up if I promise I will see him in July. And in the meantime he gets to play and have fun. I'm not ok with this and told him. I want a future with a strong man - not someone who is ok with taking breaks to fool around with other people. But he STILL won't just say he wants to fool around with other people - but of course he won't, he knows that's a dealbreaker.
I'm feeling so exhausted now. He's got a cold and lots of work, and I have lots of work. So I said we should take a break until we are both in a better mental space. I'm not holding my breath - I don't know if I should just forgive and forget that he hurt me intentionally by telling me to date other guys.
We just worked out the ex and fb thing and I was feeling so happy - and then all of this comes up. He said he is tired of fighting, and I am too. But what did he expect by playing so dirty with me, that I'd just let it go.
Another of his manipulations...while I've been waiting for my passport (before we heard that I can't travel till July) - he started telling me to cancel my present application for passport and apply again (I had complained about my passport picture - just normal girl vanity).
I asked him why he'd want my passport to take even longer if we want to see each other - he kept saying because he wants me to have a picture I like.
But since most of the time I can read people well and have good instincts, I realised he was hiding something. So I pressed him and he admitted he might be travelling for work the dates I was meant to go see him. But he didn't want to tell me because he was scared I'd get mad at him.
So that's one example.
But now I realise my instincts about him are good - I know when something is not right, even if I don't know exactly what it is. I know he is not a womaniser - but I feel in case he gets an opportunity he doesn't want to miss out, but he doesn't want to lie either. Because if he was a womaniser he could just act normal and cheat - I'd never find out because of the distance.
But I don't know if I should hang around and give another chance after he deliberately 'got back' (his words) at me. Even if he says sorry - aren't I teaching him bad behaviour to me? Like do something wrong and all is forgiven after I have to force the reason out of him first?
Maybe I should just agree to break up with a promise to see him in July if it will get him to quit these weird things (even if I know in my heart I may not keep that promise). He is so insecure that even if we stay together he may always do these eye-for-an-eye things because he doesn't want to confront and lose me permanently.
I asked him why he'd want my passport to take even longer if we want to see each other - he kept saying because he wants me to have a picture I like.
But since most of the time I can read people well and have good instincts, I realised he was hiding something. So I pressed him and he admitted he might be travelling for work the dates I was meant to go see him. But he didn't want to tell me because he was scared I'd get mad at him.
So that's one example.
But now I realise my instincts about him are good - I know when something is not right, even if I don't know exactly what it is. I know he is not a womaniser - but I feel in case he gets an opportunity he doesn't want to miss out, but he doesn't want to lie either. Because if he was a womaniser he could just act normal and cheat - I'd never find out because of the distance.
But I don't know if I should hang around and give another chance after he deliberately 'got back' (his words) at me. Even if he says sorry - aren't I teaching him bad behaviour to me? Like do something wrong and all is forgiven after I have to force the reason out of him first?
Maybe I should just agree to break up with a promise to see him in July if it will get him to quit these weird things (even if I know in my heart I may not keep that promise). He is so insecure that even if we stay together he may always do these eye-for-an-eye things because he doesn't want to confront and lose me permanently.
WAIT??_OP??_You dumped him over email?? LMBO. Oh wow. That's classic.
Posted by pinklibra
WAIT??_OP??_You dumped him over email?? LMBO. Oh wow. That's classic.
Yeah - it's starting to get ridiculous - almost comical.
Hey Aesma, noooo - I didn't think you are being insensitive at all. I'm curious, do you have any pisces in your chart?
I'm also the type who is all or nothing. I gave him another try with the ex and fb thing because I felt he was sincere he wanted to work it out and not lose me. But this is a whole other level - to me this is someone with serious issues who doesn't have the EQ to even be aware of it. Issues are fine, we all have them, but we should try to work on them to be better for ourselves and our loved ones.
We have agreed to talk tonight. But I don't know if there is an acceptable excuse for deliberately getting back at someone. It makes me sick that I assume now the tears when he was telling me to find someone else was all part of the act and plot to toy with me. It's making me wonder - what else is he capable of, and you're right, how far am I willing to go, and am I prepared to learn the hard way.
But no, I can't do the take a break so we can explore other people, and then get back when it is more convenient. Life is hard - I need someone who has the strength to stick things out through the rough times, and not take breaks to have fun, and then come back when it is more convenient to be with me. I need to be more than a convenience, I need devotion and stability and a safe place with someone I love. I don't want to always be worried about what my SO is going to do next, my faith in him has been severely affected. This is something I never saw signs of.
The twisting things because he doesn't want to upset me - I could look past, because I could always tell that's what he was doing, and no one can be perfect all the time. And men always do that anyway, white lies so not to get in trouble. But plotting and scheming to deliberately hurt me is not healthy at all. And I can't even fathom what kind of excuse he will make up for such behaviour.
So I guess right now I am really turned-off of him, and he will have to do something to sway me back in his favour. But I don't even know what that is myself. I can't continue always being stressed out about what he will do next, what might I unknowingly say that could lead to a revenge plot, and then if I relax again like I did this time, he decides to hit me with another 'open relationship' type bomb. It's just more of a pain than a pleasure now.
I'm also the type who is all or nothing. I gave him another try with the ex and fb thing because I felt he was sincere he wanted to work it out and not lose me. But this is a whole other level - to me this is someone with serious issues who doesn't have the EQ to even be aware of it. Issues are fine, we all have them, but we should try to work on them to be better for ourselves and our loved ones.
We have agreed to talk tonight. But I don't know if there is an acceptable excuse for deliberately getting back at someone. It makes me sick that I assume now the tears when he was telling me to find someone else was all part of the act and plot to toy with me. It's making me wonder - what else is he capable of, and you're right, how far am I willing to go, and am I prepared to learn the hard way.
But no, I can't do the take a break so we can explore other people, and then get back when it is more convenient. Life is hard - I need someone who has the strength to stick things out through the rough times, and not take breaks to have fun, and then come back when it is more convenient to be with me. I need to be more than a convenience, I need devotion and stability and a safe place with someone I love. I don't want to always be worried about what my SO is going to do next, my faith in him has been severely affected. This is something I never saw signs of.
The twisting things because he doesn't want to upset me - I could look past, because I could always tell that's what he was doing, and no one can be perfect all the time. And men always do that anyway, white lies so not to get in trouble. But plotting and scheming to deliberately hurt me is not healthy at all. And I can't even fathom what kind of excuse he will make up for such behaviour.
So I guess right now I am really turned-off of him, and he will have to do something to sway me back in his favour. But I don't even know what that is myself. I can't continue always being stressed out about what he will do next, what might I unknowingly say that could lead to a revenge plot, and then if I relax again like I did this time, he decides to hit me with another 'open relationship' type bomb. It's just more of a pain than a pleasure now.
Ok - I was so sure you had pisces in your chart because of your empathy...exactly being able to put yourself in another's shoes!
Thanks - haven't yet figured out why he is in my life, only time will tell.
He apologised and said he regretted doing that and all the things that he said (which was nice because I'm so not used to guys taking responsibility for their butter without me yelling and crying first). Just hoping it is not just sweet talk. I told him now I'm scared of him because I don't know what to expect from him, what could he do next time he is mad or hurt. We were on webcam and I saw that it took him by surprise - clearly he didn't think about the consequences of his little game.
I've been so swamped with school I haven't had time to think about it much (thank God) because I'd go crazy. But I know myself, and I know I've become a little less attached to him and I'm feeling less invested in him and this relationship (fishy swimming away). At this point only his actions will swing me either way. So I'm definitely in a better place!
I realise that he is just a very insecure and sensitive person, and that affects his communication and his maturity level (btw he is turning 30 in a few months - a grown man being so silly).
He apologised and said he regretted doing that and all the things that he said (which was nice because I'm so not used to guys taking responsibility for their butter without me yelling and crying first). Just hoping it is not just sweet talk. I told him now I'm scared of him because I don't know what to expect from him, what could he do next time he is mad or hurt. We were on webcam and I saw that it took him by surprise - clearly he didn't think about the consequences of his little game.
I've been so swamped with school I haven't had time to think about it much (thank God) because I'd go crazy. But I know myself, and I know I've become a little less attached to him and I'm feeling less invested in him and this relationship (fishy swimming away). At this point only his actions will swing me either way. So I'm definitely in a better place!
I realise that he is just a very insecure and sensitive person, and that affects his communication and his maturity level (btw he is turning 30 in a few months - a grown man being so silly).
That's so funny that you say the Mercury retrograde has made you laugh at everything! This evening I sent him a funny vine video about a girl yelling at her bf to delete girls from his facebook. I sent it to him as making fun of our earlier problem (to me it is good to make fun of serious things once they are over - I have a wicked sense of humour, I like to laugh). He started sulking and being melodramatic 'I'll just delete the whole account'. WTH. Sometimes he is like a girl on her period, super sensitive and touchy.
I don't even know how to go about setting boundaries - other than just telling someone what the problem is and what is and isn't acceptable to me. Any advice on setting boundaries would be appreciated - it's always been a problem for me. Definitely don't want to keep allowing bad behaviour, I get what you mean.
I've read our synastry and we are supposedly a good match - supposed to have great communication.
God I really envy those people who have found stable relationships and a rhythm.
I don't even know how to go about setting boundaries - other than just telling someone what the problem is and what is and isn't acceptable to me. Any advice on setting boundaries would be appreciated - it's always been a problem for me. Definitely don't want to keep allowing bad behaviour, I get what you mean.
I've read our synastry and we are supposedly a good match - supposed to have great communication.
God I really envy those people who have found stable relationships and a rhythm.
If you think he is insensitive then change your perception of how you think of him once you can do this you can think of him like anything.
Posted by Aesma
@sole2 I sent you the links. I chose to pm you so you can look it up a lot easier instead of trying to find your thread here. I hope that helps!
Thank you!! Already browsed through them...so helpful, especially the part about being direct and precise about consequences for bad behaviour. Going to brew myself some green tea and take time to read them properly. Thanks again!
Honeejr, so sorry to hear about your experiences 😢
you say with the first libra that 'he didn't want to part with her.' That one was so clear cut, no? I mean with a divorce it is black and white, either he is proactive about it and it gets done by a certain time or move on. If he really wanted to be with you he would have - you just missed this big sign so you could have moved on sooner.
And the indecision is not always there, I mean both libras you spoke of had been married before...so they had been able to make a decision to commit to someone in the past.
But your experience with the second libra sounds kinda similar to mine, hahaha. Mine can be really clingy and needy though. But I've handled it differently to you I think. You say you told him you would help him get past his mess - I think you were too nice to him. I straight up told mine that I'm not OK with living in the shadow of his ex and would move on with my life if he continued. So far (a week and a half) he has not brought her up once 🙂 So one battle is won.
But otherwise your experience with the second libra sounds eerily similar.
you say with the first libra that 'he didn't want to part with her.' That one was so clear cut, no? I mean with a divorce it is black and white, either he is proactive about it and it gets done by a certain time or move on. If he really wanted to be with you he would have - you just missed this big sign so you could have moved on sooner.
And the indecision is not always there, I mean both libras you spoke of had been married before...so they had been able to make a decision to commit to someone in the past.
But your experience with the second libra sounds kinda similar to mine, hahaha. Mine can be really clingy and needy though. But I've handled it differently to you I think. You say you told him you would help him get past his mess - I think you were too nice to him. I straight up told mine that I'm not OK with living in the shadow of his ex and would move on with my life if he continued. So far (a week and a half) he has not brought her up once 🙂 So one battle is won.
But otherwise your experience with the second libra sounds eerily similar.
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