I think I hurt my Libra fwb (Page 4)

Ok he has read the message and not replied, so i said "I'm going to make the decision on my own if I don't hear from you. I don't even know where tostart if you're not going to bother getting back to me when I'm just taking you into consideration. Makes me think "Well, he doesn't seem to give a fuck... so really, I have my answer."But I'm still trying to tell you so there's honesty and transparency because we have a good thing going. Bottom line: there is a potential situation for me to have sex with someone else. And at this point, you and I are not having sex often enough for me to want just one lover. I would like to take on a second lover. I was going to see what you thought about it... but like I said, your lack of communication makes me think you don't really give a shit what or who I do. I would still like to talk to you about it in a mature way. If I don't hear back from you, then I'm going to take it as tho you don't give a shit what I do with other dudes."

Why are you answering to him like you owe him answers?

Is it for the sake of his feelings, or the sake of you losing his dick?

Still no reply... I guess the coast is clear then to start up with the Gemini.

Regarding me doing this when he wouldn't:it's not that I am giving him too much credit... I am just being the best person I can be, which includes honesty and transparency and not lying to people. The Gem specifically wanted to make sure his friend was not emotionally attached to me before starting up with me. I think it's a good indication of another good person right there. And if Gem tells -- which I'm pretty sure he won't because i have told him all of my deepest darkest secrets about sex and he has kept them to himself -- and Libra finds out it's Libra's own fault for not manning up and telling me when I sent him that message telling him what the vibe is and what looks like it could go down.

I also did that -- in a not the best person I can be way -- in more of a this dude needs to be taught a lesson way too. What exactly does he think is going to happen if he ignores me for days and days? He did this last week too. Then the weekend rolled in and he was sweet as pie again and took me home and fucked my brains out. Left, and haven't had another word from him. I AINT HAVIN THAT! He needs to be brought back down to earth. Someone needs to burst his kingsize ego. May as well be me.

Erm, this is a fwb right?

Yes it's a friend with benefits... but he's not treating me like a friend at all really is he RR?? It would seem I'm the only one being a friend by taking him into consideration.... yes?? no?? Or am i fucking stupid?? haha

No, you're being quite female in treating him like a "friend." I'm an Aries too, and I get where you're coming from and why you're doing it... to an extent.

But even as friends, guys are not all touchy feely with emotions and all that shit like women are. Think about how guys are with their guy friends. They don't go around validating actions with eachother for the sake of eachother's emotional wellbeing. Less squishy, more grunt grunt involved. I know, I see it aalll the time with my guy friends.

This is a fwb. You are thinking way too much about his emotional wellbeing for this scenario. He's clearly not worried about yours, so I don't understand why you're going all out in "preserving" his oh so "fragile" emotional status.

In other words, stop coddling his stupid ass. You both knew what you were getting into. You have already had an open dialogue about this situation, to which he immediately went back on and continued to act like an emotionally stunted idiot. I don't get why you CONTINUE to coddle this shit on his part. I understand you want to be considerate, which there is nothing wrong with, but you already tried. You do not owe him answers as you are not in a relationship with him. You can have sex with who you want. Fwb don't even discuss the others they sleep with unless it's, like you said, a threesome. I don't understand why you need to announce to him that you're getting another "lover." Who cares? That's not his problem and should only be between you and the new dude.

I think he's being an idiot an got all emotional and shit. I've been there with a fwb and it was just pointless to try to coddle such bullshit. The lines were drawn. They shouldn't be changed because his penis gets jealous easily. Sorry. And you're just making it far too emotional and complicated by babying him. I know it's hard since we Aries tend to do that with those we care about, but this guy's totally wanting his cake and to eat it too. Fuck that, all consideration is out.

Sleep with who you want when you want. That's the whole point of fwb. No strings sex. No strings means no excuses, reasons, coddling, etc. It's like you're single but you have a consistent source to get nookie.

Sadly, when it comes to some FWB scenarios, it's less "friend" more benefits. That's what it sounds like with this dude, tbh.

Also, knowing that the "friendship" aspect is clearly one sided, I'm not sure why you're falling all over yourself to do all this for his sake. I'm guilty of this too at times, but you gotta hit your "fuck this" point and stop walking on eggshells over this guy.

I guess I felt the need to tell him about taking on a second lover because of this whole conscious sexuality walk I'm trying to walk.

I really am grateful for all the objective honesty from the people who give input on this forum. Gives perspective you don't see when you're in the situation. Thank-you all... 🙂

Sorry for the walls of text, haha. It's just I've been in a situation like this and at some point you stop and go "WHY am I so worried about his fucking feelings when he's treating me like this?? It's just a casual arrangement and it should NOT be this complicated!"

That and dealing with all the ridiculous mood swings on his part got to be real old real fast.

Besides, I think that the guys who continually get into fwb are inherently selfish anyway.

Good lord Lotus


Do u need me again?

Posted by TaurusNikki
Good lord Lotus


Do u need me again?

Haha! It would seem so.... break it down for me TN!

He's gone ghost because he thought he had control and I threw a spanner in it when I said I am taking on another lover??

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Sorry for the walls of text, haha. It's just I've been in a situation like this and at some point you stop and go "WHY am I so worried about his fucking feelings when he's treating me like this?? It's just a casual arrangement and it should NOT be this complicated!"

That and dealing with all the ridiculous mood swings on his part got to be real old real fast.

Besides, I think that the guys who continually get into fwb are inherently selfish anyway.

In the same respect I am prone to fwb/fuck buddies too... and I think I'm selfish sometimes. One time he asked me "Is my cock not enough for you?" like all sad facey.... I just said "I'm a very horny lady and I need a lot of sex! Your cock is perfect... I just don't get it enough"

But also.... I am 12 years older than him. He's only 22 and before me had only had sex twice, with two different girls. So I do worry about him being so young and I dont know what's going on in his head.... do guys automatically just not get emotionally attached from the day they start playing with girl's bodies?? For me... I lost my virginity when I was 19 and have been having regular sex ever since and it tookme a while to get to the point where I could have sex without getting emotionally attached. So I'm 34! I don't want to be the first long term sexual anything to anyone that's going to hurt them because your first experience of something shapes how you behave with it for a long time in your life. So I feel that because I'm older and further along the path, I must look out for those just starting their path. Again with the conscious sexuality. Just because he is not conscious doesn't mean I must behave the same.

Am I making sense??

...guys don't view sex like girls do nor do they have the same hormonal response as girls do during sex (which is why girls do get attached). Why don't you understand that at 34?

You also seem to forget that you're dealing with a 22 year old here. The immaturity should be factored in like whoa. If anything, it explains ALL of the bs you've been experiencing on his part.

Also, not that I'm against sexuality or anything related, but at 34 it sounds like you need to do some growing up too. The way you've been viewing all this has been a bit sheltered. It kinda speaks volumes about where you are mentally in all of this. Woo for sex, but I can't help but wonder if all the emotionally detached sex is making you emotionally stunted as well. The fact that you're 34 and handling this like you're in your mid 20s is a bit concerning for your overall wellbeing. I didn't even pay attention to the age under your name and just assumed you were in your mid 20s. :/

Overall, do as you please, but just know that if you continue handling all of this like you have been, it's just going to continue to create further drama like you have here. You both have made this situation so very complicated when it doesn't need to be. He feels he owns you and you feel you have to mother him because he's so young. The hell?

Also, I'm not getting how your "conscious" sexuality is the same as mothering him?

Posted by rockyroadicecream


Also, not that I'm against sexuality or anything related, but at 34 it sounds like you need to do some growing up too. The way you've been viewing all this has been a bit sheltered. It kinda speaks volumes about where you are mentally in all of this. Woo for sex, but I can't help but wonder if all the emotionally detached sex is making you emotionally stunted as well. The fact that you're 34 and handling this like you're in your mid 20s is a bit concerning for your overall wellbeing. I didn't even pay attention to the age under your name and just assumed you were in your mid 20s. :/

This has annoyed me, and I am inclined to think that if something someone says about you pisses you off, there is most likely truth in what they're saying, which is why you get pissed off... because they're right. So I have thought about this for a while before replying to see why it annoyed me.

When you say emotionally stunted (those words stung the most) what do you mean? Low emotional intelligence or emotional as in a relationshippy kind of way? I would understand the latter part >> me being emotionally stunted. I have chosen not to be in a relationship (since my mid 20s) and so yes -- stunted would be appropriate in all likelihood. My emotional intelligence is higher than most on the other hand. I am quite comfortable being emotionally (relationship related) immature since it was my decision to avoid commitment and emotional relationships in the first place. I do not do well with them. In fact I start hyperventilating at the thought of them. I stopped my growth in that department. I do not know how to do it. Emotional intimacy scares the living crap out of me.

So... respectfully... as straight forward as you told me to grow up and that I was emotionally stunted (which I handled pretty maturely), I am going to tell you this: You shouldn't diagnose someone's character defects without finding out some background information of their lives first.

I'm not going to judge myself or feel shame or guilt for doing the only thing I knew how to do to protect me from emotional pain: Shut down.

That does not mean to say that I have not valued your input. Thank you (sincerely) for your walls of words 🙂

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Also, I'm not getting how your "conscious" sexuality is the same as mothering him?

I will contemplate this some more as I don't think I am mothering him. I think I am just showing respect to another human life. But I will come back to you on this one. Once I have thought on it more... although more discussion with you about your definition of mothering and consciousness may be required.

Posted by lotuslily

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Also, I'm not getting how your "conscious" sexuality is the same as mothering him?

I will contemplate this some more as I don't think I am mothering him. I think I am just showing respect to another human life. But I will come back to you on this one. Once I have thought on it more... although more discussion with you about your definition of mothering and consciousness may be required.

click to expand

Ok, a few bits and pieces on conscious sexuality:
"the successful integration of sex and spirit involves scrupulous soul searching and the highest respect for informed consent."

Highest respect for informed consent. Magic words. I am letting him know of my intention to take a lover so he can then make an informed decision on whether he wants to proceed and if the set up is 'right' for him. That way I will be able to continue enjoying guilt-free sex as since he told me he didn't want other penises near my vagina, I told him he could trust me with that. And I have respected that. But now, my sexual needs are different and I have changed my mind and he -- as a human being -- deserves to be able to make a decision about whether he is prepared to continue having sex with a woman when there are other penises in the equation. I don't care if he is not doing the same for me -- I have never imposed boundaries or obligations on him. I govern myself ethically, and am going to hold my integrity, regardless of whether another person is not. I'd rather tell him the truth and have him leave than keep him as a lover and lie to him and feel guilty when having sex with someone else.

As far as mothering goes: I also see nothing wrong with leading by example. It's ok for people to be honest and not hide things from people. And if people can learn that at a young age, then they may have a happier life for it. There is all this social conditioning surrounding sex... it's ridiculous!

To me, I would say your doing what u should be doing, living your life

Everybody is differen, and I have no problem on how u live it, but your libra is in over drive, but that's good cause that means your not waiting for him, which is what libras want u to do, they want options and don't want u to have none, that would be the string system.

Until he makes a firm decision about what the heck he wants, I say keep doing what u want, he'll confess in his own libra fashion