Dealing with abuse

For those of you who lived in abusive environment in your childhood - is there possibility to lead your life as an adult and to some extend not to be hunted by your past if you are finally in healthy and loving situation?

I am talking mostly about being a youngest and having 5-10 years difference from your siblings.

I am talking emotional and physical abuse both also having distant and ignorant parents who let abuse by siblings go un-noticed for the most parts and being indifferent to all children the same way.

Is there possibility of recovery and to what extend?

Posted by Notmyrealname

Yes there is but it takes time and distance.

So there is hope! Thanks

Is taking it out helps or opposite?

YOU!!! Are YOU asking about abuse? Is this a trick topic? 🤔🤔🤔

Posted by Notmyrealname

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by Notmyrealname

Yes there is but it takes time and distance.

So there is hope! Thanks

Is taking it out helps or opposite?

There’s not really a one-size-fits-all approach, can you give any more detail? I’m not saying you can turn back time or snap your fingers and it’ll be the same as if it hadn’t happened. It will always have happened but at some point, after some time free and healing you have to find a way to accept that shitty things happen and it’s not fair but there are no prizes handed out for it and there’s genuinely nothing you can do to change it. I think it takes a while to get to that point of just acceptance. Like feeling hard done by and getting angry at the world and licking your wounds takes so much energy and at some point god or whoever willing there has to be an end to it and the focus needs to go elsewhere. For a lot of people children change things drastically, or meaningful work, or just new loving welcoming environments and friendship circles. But you can’t rush it. Pressure is the opposite of helpful. And yes, some people never get there and my heart breaks for them truly, but there’s no reason to assume the worst of whoever you’re talking about. Just so long as they’re clear of it and safe now.

click to expand

Ok. Seems you are the only one who understand the subject and I only need one so here...

When I’ve met Aries he was happy as fuck man and the only thing I’ve noticed that when I’ve tried to take his hand in mine on a first date he jerked it away and I thought he was funny but shy inside...

Few months into serious dating he started telling me about his childhood and he seemed to be ok with all this shit and it passes and doesn’t bother him. I saw him as strong as a tower and I didn’t think much because he always chosen to tell me funny stories and it was ok.

Deeper into rship he opened up more and I began to see that funny stories actually weren’t funny! When he is 6 and his 11 y/old brother pouring rubbing alcohol into his mouth while he was sleeping...it’s actually dangerous...

He had tried retaliate always because he is an Aries...but being younger it wasn’t so effective.

There is a lot of horror stories I’ve heard since then and as much as he detached himself from the family in the past his father is dying right now and he is helping which is resulting seeing his family...and I see how much pain he is going trough because of that...still covering up with jokes and doing a lot of writing and music to keep his mind occupied...

All I want and trying is for him to feel safe and happy and wondering IF everything I am doing can work in the future as healing for his wounded soul.

Will he ever be free of that burden to which he was subjected without his faults just by the fact of being born into this family when at young age he said to himself ‘I am never going to be like them’ and worked his whole life to be different!

I think he succeeded but will he ever heal enough to sleep soundly without nightmares?

Might help to speak to a counselor not just about childhood abuse but also to help him cope with his dying father. He's probably emotionally beaten down just dealing with the idea that he is loosing a parent + on top of all of that having to re open childhood wounds from decades ago...seems like a dangerous combo.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Might help to speak to a counselor not just about childhood abuse but also to help him cope with his dying father. He's probably emotionally beaten down just dealing with the idea that he is loosing a parent + on top of all of that having to re open childhood wounds from decades ago...seems like a dangerous combo.

He had been trough counseling during fighting for child custody and he liked it. Now it’s me who he is confining into and no...loss of his father isn’t a big deal for him due to much shit this man with a lot of his own grief put his kids trough.

He is dying from dementia for years. Everybody is ready. It’s the fact that seeing them all bringing memories back and his siblings...the oldest is ducking 60!!!..trying to be an asses as if they were 16 again...

They were actually pissed that he spent Thanksgiving elsewhere like they have any rights to his life. He is having no problem to tell them off but they ganging out on him to the point of ridiculous! Seems like they want to separated as well but they stuck together for whatever reason.

So he is ok because he goes back home to heal where he is alone with his child and me when I am there BUT it takes time for him to exhale!

My hope is when dad dies - he will be off the hook BUT we all know his mother will be bored and all of the kids will have a hard time.

So until she is gone - he is fucked up and there will be no peace.

I know he is strong enough to deal with it but I want to know what is that he is feeling and I’ve asked and he couldn’t explain.

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by LadyNeptune

Might help to speak to a counselor not just about childhood abuse but also to help him cope with his dying father. He's probably emotionally beaten down just dealing with the idea that he is loosing a parent + on top of all of that having to re open childhood wounds from decades ago...seems like a dangerous combo.

He had been trough counseling during fighting for child custody and he liked it. Now it’s me who he is confining into and no...loss of his father isn’t a big deal for him due to much shit this man with a lot of his own grief put his kids trough.

He is dying from dementia for years. Everybody is ready. It’s the fact that seeing them all bringing memories back and his siblings...the oldest is ducking 60!!!..trying to be an asses as if they were 16 again...

They were actually pissed that he spent Thanksgiving elsewhere like they have any rights to his life. He is having no problem to tell them off but they ganging out on him to the point of ridiculous! Seems like they want to separated as well but they stuck together for whatever reason.

So he is ok because he goes back home to heal where he is alone with his child and me when I am there BUT it takes time for him to exhale!

My hope is when dad dies - he will be off the hook BUT we all know his mother will be bored and all of the kids will have a hard time.

So until she is gone - he is fucked up and there will be no peace.

I know he is strong enough to deal with it but I want to know what is that he is feeling and I’ve asked and he couldn’t explain.

click to expand

My thought reading this is that if his older siblings took out their anger and angst on him in their childhood they are probably doing the same now as a means of coping with their fathers illness and death. Old habits die hard.

What else can you do but be supportive. And be a bit more forgiving since he is going through such a hard time. Once he pulls through to the other side it should strengthen what you both have together.

Posted by Notmyrealname

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by Notmyrealname

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by Notmyrealname

Yes there is but it takes time and distance.

So there is hope! Thanks

Is taking it out helps or opposite?

There’s not really a one-size-fits-all approach, can you give any more detail? I’m not saying you can turn back time or snap your fingers and it’ll be the same as if it hadn’t happened. It will always have happened but at some point, after some time free and healing you have to find a way to accept that shitty things happen and it’s not fair but there are no prizes handed out for it and there’s genuinely nothing you can do to change it. I think it takes a while to get to that point of just acceptance. Like feeling hard done by and getting angry at the world and licking your wounds takes so much energy and at some point god or whoever willing there has to be an end to it and the focus needs to go elsewhere. For a lot of people children change things drastically, or meaningful work, or just new loving welcoming environments and friendship circles. But you can’t rush it. Pressure is the opposite of helpful. And yes, some people never get there and my heart breaks for them truly, but there’s no reason to assume the worst of whoever you’re talking about. Just so long as they’re clear of it and safe now.

Ok. Seems you are the only one who understand the subject and I only need one so here...

When I’ve met Aries he was happy as fuck man and the only thing I’ve noticed that when I’ve tried to take his hand in mine on a first date he jerked it away and I thought he was funny but shy inside...

Few months into serious dating he started telling me about his childhood and he seemed to be ok with all this shit and it passes and doesn’t bother him. I saw him as strong as a tower and I didn’t think much because he always chosen to tell me funny stories and it was ok.

Deeper into rship he opened up more and I began to see that funny stories actually weren’t funny! When he is 6 and his 11 y/old brother pouring rubbing alcohol into his mouth while he was sleeping...it’s actually dangerous...

He had tried retaliate always because he is an Aries...but being younger it wasn’t so effective.

There is a lot of horror stories I’ve heard since then and as much as he detached himself from the family in the past his father is dying right now and he is helping which is resulting seeing his family...and I see how much pain he is going trough because of that...still covering up with jokes and doing a lot of writing and music to keep his mind occupied...

All I want and trying is for him to feel safe and happy and wondering IF everything I am doing can work in the future as healing for his wounded soul.

Will he ever be free of that burden to which he was subjected without his faults just by the fact of being born into this family when at young age he said to himself ‘I am never going to be like them’ and worked his whole life to be different!

I think he succeeded but will he ever heal enough to sleep soundly without nightmares?

I think it’s natural to feel this way for someone you love. But while it is new for you this is very old for him and I actually think even being able to talk about it with you is a sign of healing. It would be far far worse if he had kept it away from you. The bigger problem now, although it’s all connected, is his father dying. I think no matter how much work he did moving forward this is one of those unavoidable times where he’ll be dragged right back into it. It’s going to be awful but it’s also temporary. He’s going to need your patience more than ever now but don’t assume this is how it is always going to be because it’s not. Once you guys make it through this difficult time together I’m pretty sure you’ll look back and realise that it brought you closer than ever. But don’t push and don’t rush and just expect that he probably will be fighting some overwhelming and completely unreasonable feelings that he might need your forgiveness for not always having control over. It sounds like you love him deeply and honestly that’s what is needed. Be there and be constant and let him know you’re in his corner and not going anywhere. He will come to you when he feels he can without shame or guilt or pressure. You can’t solve his problems for him but you can be with him facing them together. Good luck lovely I’m sure you two will get through this I think it’s lovely that you care so much he’s lucky to have you x

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OMG! Thanks!!! You made me cry...I really am not rushing anything and all I want is to have him overcome his pain and forget though I know how impossible it is...

I am all there and luckily he is reaching out to me more than ever (if that’s possible but he does) and I am working as his support group at his disposal.

He never abuses though because I am at work every day long hours so I can be with him after and cook his fantasies that not even google knows wtf is that! Lol

I am just really really HOPE that it’ll be somehow forgotten or dulled down to the point that he will not be hurt by memories of it.

Thank you for all you’ve said. ❤️

Posted by Black-Mamba

@gemitati have you tried making fun of his problems and mental issues.

that seems to be your MO. Might help

No. He is too big and strong and I have you for that. So...don’t worry. You’ll never lose me.

On the serious note yes. We always making fun of our shit that’s going on. And I said that in my post.

I might seem vulnerable now but we never cry about shit. If you seen us together you might think it’s a fucking circus!

I am just trying to gain knowledge from people who have it to understand what is he feeling though I kind of know...still very useful to hear unbiased opinion.

You are welcome:

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by LadyNeptune

Might help to speak to a counselor not just about childhood abuse but also to help him cope with his dying father. He's probably emotionally beaten down just dealing with the idea that he is loosing a parent + on top of all of that having to re open childhood wounds from decades ago...seems like a dangerous combo.

He had been trough counseling during fighting for child custody and he liked it. Now it’s me who he is confining into and no...loss of his father isn’t a big deal for him due to much shit this man with a lot of his own grief put his kids trough.

He is dying from dementia for years. Everybody is ready. It’s the fact that seeing them all bringing memories back and his siblings...the oldest is ducking 60!!!..trying to be an asses as if they were 16 again...

They were actually pissed that he spent Thanksgiving elsewhere like they have any rights to his life. He is having no problem to tell them off but they ganging out on him to the point of ridiculous! Seems like they want to separated as well but they stuck together for whatever reason.

So he is ok because he goes back home to heal where he is alone with his child and me when I am there BUT it takes time for him to exhale!

My hope is when dad dies - he will be off the hook BUT we all know his mother will be bored and all of the kids will have a hard time.

So until she is gone - he is fucked up and there will be no peace.

I know he is strong enough to deal with it but I want to know what is that he is feeling and I’ve asked and he couldn’t explain.

My thought reading this is that if his older siblings took out their anger and angst on him in their childhood they are probably doing the same now as a means of coping with their fathers illness and death. Old habits die hard.

What else can you do but be supportive. And be a bit more forgiving since he is going through such a hard time. Once he pulls through to the other side it should strengthen what yo

u both have together.

click to expand

100% ! They used to have him as a punching bag to let their frustration off and since I’ve met him and paying attention now - it is insane how many youngest children went trough exactly the same shit (boys especially)...

And you know what? At the end of this crap - they are better and more successful in life than their older siblings!

And the thing that is Aries said and several men after him is that they had no fear when grew up because after surviving their older brothers there were nothing that could scare them! So they went up without fear.

Isn’t it awful? It’s good but awful at the same time.

I am glad I am the only child...🤦‍♀️

Hi Gemitati.

I'm living proof that you can grow and go beyond it. I have spoken before to my traumatic childhood. I had a very abusive father and brother. I learned to not allow it to define who I am as an adult. I refuse to be a victim. It took work and distance like @notmyrealname mentioned. Do I have triggers? As much as I would to love to say no, I would be lying. To this day I still have a hard time being around screaming and loud types of violence. I remove myself from situations or places that have that type of environment. I trust very rarely and those that I do open up ( like your Aries is doing with you) is very few and far between. It's impacted my relationships -friendships and partners more so when i was in my 20's and early 30's, now I'm more aware of the effects it has had on my life and I don't allow it to control me ( best way I can explain what I mean). Also went through counseling, which helped to learn how to set boundaries and heal the inner child that was so damaged.

I did move away to truly get away from the dysfunctional toxic shit and can only visit my family every so often and only a short amount of days. I for the most part don't reflect on what happened and focus on today, live in the moment and what the future will bring. It sounds like that is what your Aries is attempting to do. His siblings sound like they didn't move from the toxicity and continue the cycle unfortunately. 😢

My advise is to stay strong and be his rock, he will appreciate you even more for it.

Posted by justagirl

Hi Gemitati.

I'm living proof that you can grow and go beyond it. I have spoken before to my traumatic childhood. I had a very abusive father and brother. I learned to not allow it to define who I am as an adult. I refuse to be a victim. It took work and distance like @notmyrealname mentioned. Do I have triggers? As much as I would to love to say no, I would be lying. To this day I still have a hard time being around screaming and loud types of violence. I remove myself from situations or places that have that type of environment. I trust very rarely and those that I do open up ( like your Aries is doing with you) is very few and far between. It's impacted my relationships -friendships and partners more so when i was in my 20's and early 30's, now I'm more aware of the effects it has had on my life and I don't allow it to control me ( best way I can explain what I mean). Also went through counseling, which helped to learn how to set boundaries and heal the inner child that was so damaged.

I did move away to truly get away from the dysfunctional toxic shit and can only visit my family every so often and only a short amount of days. I for the most part don't reflect on what happened and focus on today, live in the moment and what the future will bring. It sounds like that is what your Aries is attempting to do. His siblings sound like they didn't move from the toxicity and continue the cycle unfortunately. 😢

My advise is to stay strong and be his rock, he will appreciate you even more for it.

Thanks. I am glad you have brought yourself back.

Are you able to have rship and not let your past to interfere? I think it’s hard for a woman with men in her family being an asses.::right?

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by justagirl

Hi Gemitati.

I'm living proof that you can grow and go beyond it. I have spoken before to my traumatic childhood. I had a very abusive father and brother. I learned to not allow it to define who I am as an adult. I refuse to be a victim. It took work and distance like @notmyrealname mentioned. Do I have triggers? As much as I would to love to say no, I would be lying. To this day I still have a hard time being around screaming and loud types of violence. I remove myself from situations or places that have that type of environment. I trust very rarely and those that I do open up ( like your Aries is doing with you) is very few and far between. It's impacted my relationships -friendships and partners more so when i was in my 20's and early 30's, now I'm more aware of the effects it has had on my life and I don't allow it to control me ( best way I can explain what I mean). Also went through counseling, which helped to learn how to set boundaries and heal the inner child that was so damaged.

I did move away to truly get away from the dysfunctional toxic shit and can only visit my family every so often and only a short amount of days. I for the most part don't reflect on what happened and focus on today, live in the moment and what the future will bring. It sounds like that is what your Aries is attempting to do. His siblings sound like they didn't move from the toxicity and continue the cycle unfortunately. 😢

My advise is to stay strong and be his rock, he will appreciate you even more for it.

Thanks. I am glad you have brought yourself back.

Are you able to have rship and not let your past to interfere? I think it’s hard for a woman with men in her family being an asses.::right?

click to expand

Thanks.

Yes, I have had a few long term relationships, but the past has interfered, it's impossible not to. I used to get so messed up my life would fall apart around me, I would do better alone. The difference now vs when younger, I communicate what's going on and again try to explain if and when things trigger me. People in my life now, don't typically trigger anything, so that's a blessing. When I went home last time, I did see my dad- so when I got back here, I had to recenter myself and fortunately I have someone in my life that I am able to express whats going on inside that doesn't judge me, that is huge. So be his rock.

Posted by justagirl

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by justagirl

Hi Gemitati.

I'm living proof that you can grow and go beyond it. I have spoken before to my traumatic childhood. I had a very abusive father and brother. I learned to not allow it to define who I am as an adult. I refuse to be a victim. It took work and distance like @notmyrealname mentioned. Do I have triggers? As much as I would to love to say no, I would be lying. To this day I still have a hard time being around screaming and loud types of violence. I remove myself from situations or places that have that type of environment. I trust very rarely and those that I do open up ( like your Aries is doing with you) is very few and far between. It's impacted my relationships -friendships and partners more so when i was in my 20's and early 30's, now I'm more aware of the effects it has had on my life and I don't allow it to control me ( best way I can explain what I mean). Also went through counseling, which helped to learn how to set boundaries and heal the inner child that was so damaged.

I did move away to truly get away from the dysfunctional toxic shit and can only visit my family every so often and only a short amount of days. I for the most part don't reflect on what happened and focus on today, live in the moment and what the future will bring. It sounds like that is what your Aries is attempting to do. His siblings sound like they didn't move from the toxicity and continue the cycle unfortunately. 😢

My advise is to stay strong and be his rock, he will appreciate you even more for it.

Thanks. I am glad you have brought yourself back.

Are you able to have rship and not let your past to interfere? I think it’s hard for a woman with men in her family being an asses.::right?

Thanks.

Yes, I have had a few long term relationships, but the past has interfered, it's impossible not to. I used to get so messed up my life would fall apart around me, I would do better alone. The difference now vs when younger, I communicate what's going on and again try to explain if and when things trigger me. People in my life now, don't typically trigger anything, so that's a blessing. When I went home last time, I did see my dad- so when I got back here, I had to recenter myself and fortunately I have someone in my life that I am able to express whats going on inside that doesn't judge me, that is huge. So be his rock.

click to expand

I think I am. We’ve been brought in together to rip our past out and replace with new life. For both.

Hope you’ll be happy and free to enjoy it.❤️

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by justagirl

Posted by Gemitati

Posted by justagirl

Hi Gemitati.

I'm living proof that you can grow and go beyond it. I have spoken before to my traumatic childhood. I had a very abusive father and brother. I learned to not allow it to define who I am as an adult. I refuse to be a victim. It took work and distance like @notmyrealname mentioned. Do I have triggers? As much as I would to love to say no, I would be lying. To this day I still have a hard time being around screaming and loud types of violence. I remove myself from situations or places that have that type of environment. I trust very rarely and those that I do open up ( like your Aries is doing with you) is very few and far between. It's impacted my relationships -friendships and partners more so when i was in my 20's and early 30's, now I'm more aware of the effects it has had on my life and I don't allow it to control me ( best way I can explain what I mean). Also went through counseling, which helped to learn how to set boundaries and heal the inner child that was so damaged.

I did move away to truly get away from the dysfunctional toxic shit and can only visit my family every so often and only a short amount of days. I for the most part don't reflect on what happened and focus on today, live in the moment and what the future will bring. It sounds like that is what your Aries is attempting to do. His siblings sound like they didn't move from the toxicity and continue the cycle unfortunately. 😢

My advise is to stay strong and be his rock, he will appreciate you even more for it.

Thanks. I am glad you have brought yourself back.

Are you able to have rship and not let your past to interfere? I think it’s hard for a woman with men in her family being an asses.::right?

Thanks.

Yes, I have had a few long term relationships, but the past has interfered, it's impossible not to. I used to get so messed up my life would fall apart around me, I would do better alone. The difference now vs when younger, I communicate what's going on and again try to explain if and when things trigger me. People in my life now, don't typically trigger anything, so that's a blessing. When I went home last time, I did see my dad- so when I got back here, I had to recenter myself and fortunately I have someone in my life that I am able to express whats going on inside that doesn't judge me, that is huge. So be his rock.

I think I am. We’ve been brought in together to rip our past out and replace with new life. For both.

Hope you’ll be happy and free to enjoy it.❤️

click to expand

I wish you guys well and many happy years together 🙂