Dating: It's Not Exclusive Until It Is

What is the trend on dating multiple men? or women for that matter...

I know it's okay to date more than one man at a time, but what about the nuances of it?

Is it okay to not tell them about each other unless they specifically ask?

Is it okay to have sex with one and not the other? Both?

How long can this go on for?

i don't see anything wrong with dating different people at the same time...but i do have strong opinions with regards to how it is done.

i think you should always play fair and nicely with people, therefore, if i decide to date or get to know more than one man at a time, i make it known that i am dating - that way every one is aware of what the other is doing and there isn't any miscommunication. i do not have sex with someone until i am in a committed relationship, so therefore i do not think it is fair play to sleep with one or both - it's moot with me. i rarely make it to the third or fourth date without developing feelings towards someone so at that point i usually know if i want to continue seeing him or who i want to continue seeing - on my own accord, regardless of whether or not the man i'm dating wants to see me exclusively. ....but i don't date just to "date". i date to get to know someone in order to see if there is potential for something long-term...but that's just me.

I find it difficult to bring up the conversation of dating other men...I find that the men I date don't usually bring the topic up. I assume that until something is said, nobody minds too much.

But I have been asked directly, and of course, never lie about it.

I don't have sex with anybody until it's serious.

Currently have two wonderful guys but am completely unsure who I am most compatible with. I don't want to make a decision and actually, don't want them to know directly from me that I am seeing another...

one man I've dated very casually for about 2 1/2 months - Virgo.

The other, I've had my eyes on for sometime, but we've got out once an recently - Sagitarrious.

I guess after so many failed attempts on my part dating one person at a time before it becomes exclusive seems like an obvious choice to me.

It's been a long time since I've actually been in a relationship to reach an exclusive level, so I don't see why I need to allow one man to get all my attention.

I don't date more than 2 men at a time - though sometimes, if he catches my eye well enough, I'll consider a different man, but usually end up cutting out one of the other guys in favor of the new one...

And I've never actually had sex with any of them while dating others, it's something I'm considering but am not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I feel I can actually get to know the other person better without the pressue of him being the sole focus of my attention.

I don't compare the men or the dates to each other, but their flaws and incompatibilities become more apparant to me when there isn't so much as stake.

^ i can understand what you're saying.... but if the tables were turned, do you think you would be ok with knowing that the man you're dating is seeing another woman as well? would you feel a little betrayed? would it cause a little jealousy? would you feel it wasn't fair? i'm not judging you at all...i actually am very curious as to this topic as well and love varying opinions. i'm just wondering if you think karma has a place, or treating others as you would want to be treated. ...just curious as to what you would feel is acceptable behavior towards yourself. have you considered telling one that you just started seeing someone and keeping in touch?

Posted by a muse a libra
I guess after so many failed attempts on my part dating one person at a time before it becomes exclusive seems like an obvious choice to me.

It's been a long time since I've actually been in a relationship to reach an exclusive level, so I don't see why I need to allow one man to get all my attention.

I don't date more than 2 men at a time - though sometimes, if he catches my eye well enough, I'll consider a different man, but usually end up cutting out one of the other guys in favor of the new one...

And I've never actually had sex with any of them while dating others, it's something I'm considering but am not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I have friends that are telling me to do that because they know how infatuated I get and how fast I tend to fall for a guy and they don't think that's good for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with it but for some reason "I" have a hard time with it! I have always been like this and I did want to date others but now I am already involved with a Virgo that I really like and I feel like I would be hurt if I found out he was still seeing other women and we have now decided to be in a relationship and monogamous so there goes the multiple dating idea now...lol.
If or when we break up I am going to try it though b/c I don't want to necessarily put all my eggs in one basket if there might be a better basket out there for me...lol. So go for it girl! Especially if it doesn't bother you that they may be seeing other women as well.

I don't get hurt if he is dating someone else...perhaps a bit jealous if it is in my face (if I see her, or if he discusses her with me) but otherwise, I can usually remain emotionally distant enough to not become hurt or angry.

Being in a "dating - date" relationship is not hard, but takes a lot of trust. I can sometimes tell the men I'm seeing somebody else, sometimes I don't feel it is a positive thing to talk about.

For example - the Virgo I'm dating now was cheated on by his ex-wife, and he is obviously still hurt by it. He's proclaimed many times he is totally faithful, but, we only recently kissed for the first time. Certainly never had a discussion about being exclusive - in fact, we discussed whether or not we were romantically interested in one another. I don't see how telling him I'm seeing somebody else benefits him or me in anyway. I'm doing it to hurt him, I don't think it SHOULD hurt him, and I won't STOP doing it at this point. But I know he wouldn't like it very much, or at least, that's the feeling I get.

Definitely deceiving him by not revealing everything, but I feel I'm under no obligation to reveal everything. If he asked me directly, I would not lie. Is this wrong? I don't feel it is, but am curious what others think...

**I'm NOT doing it to hurt him***

well, i know that in just relating with my friends, some i treat a certain way and others, differently - i.e., i have a friend whom i have to treat with kid gloves because she is so very sensitive but another friend that i can be blunt with and don't have to sugar-coat anything. i treat everyone fairly, but not the same, because we are all different. i think if you know something will hurt someone i don't think you should do it just because another person or you wouldn't be hurt by it, IF you want to invest in that person. of course, i have another friend who treats everyone the same....but she is a different bird, and doesn't care if she hurts feelings and lives only according to what she thinks is correct. doesn't mean she's wrong, doesn't mean i'm wrong....i think you just have to go with your gut and learn as you go along. i dunno. that's my two cents. xoj

i generally don't date much because i don't like to date anybody unless i really click with them. anything less than that seems pointless. in which case, i wouldn't date anybody else, which is easy because finding one guy i really click with is a needle in haystack scenario.

but at certain points in my past, i've dated people just cos i was lonely or bored or wanted to feel pretty or whatever. and i always chose guys that i didn't like who didn't really like me either. in which case, i dated other people too. i didn't tell. and if asked, i'd lie. i figured it didn't matter anyways. this was actually a cycle i got into that kept getting worse and worse after getting my heart broken by the pisces...over and over again...because of all his lies. i finally stopped because i realized that i didn't want to become like him. all soulless and stuff.

so i won't do it again. well, probably won't.

Posted by a muse a libra
What is the trend on dating multiple men? or women for that matter...

I know it's okay to date more than one man at a time, but what about the nuances of it?

Is it okay to not tell them about each other unless they specifically ask?

Is it okay to have sex with one and not the other? Both?

How long can this go on for?

i experimented with this for about a year and it made me a better person. i was always the type that if a guy approached me and i didn't feel like being bothered or i didn't find him attractive, i would tell him that i had a bf...husband to avoid having to talk further and give out my number. i realized that i might've missed out on a lot of opportunity so i decided that if a guy asked, as long as he was fugly and inarticulate, i would go on a date. after all, what is a date but free food and entertainment?

Is it okay to not tell them about each other unless they specifically ask?
they don't need to know nothin. you're not married. you're dating people and there's no shame in it.

Is it okay to have sex with one and not the other? Both?
i recommend reserving your goodies for one. the one that you generally like most, treats you the best, known the longest, whatever. you set the criteria. make sure you protect yourself in the process.

if you have sex with more than one and one of them had the potential to be something more. if you're not careful, the "special" guy might discover that you get around and that might put the kibosh on a budding romance.

How long can this go on for
the relationship with the "special" guy can go on until....forever. i mean, there's a reason why he's special. when you cut the others out will generally depend on when you enter into a monogamous relationship.

as far as how long you should date someone before cutting them loose, i say no more than 3 dates (if you're having sex with any one of them...ideally one). 3 dates will allow you to get to know the guy and if you're not fast, you will not have kissed him or gotten mushy by this point. it'll be far easier to make a clean break. so if you don't see any real potential by that point, move on to the next one.

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i said it made me a better person because although i didn't lower my standards, i have a better understanding of what i like/dislike. i also t

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i said it made me a better person because although i didn't lower my standards, i have a better understanding of what i like/dislike. i also think dating is an art. when you're looking for someone, you're far different from when you're going out to have a good time. i found myself more relaxed on these types of dates than i did when i REALLY like a guy. over time, i learned how to be relaxed across the board.

so protect yourself if you choose to have sex. don't completely lower your standards. have fun and enjoy your youth.

Posted by seavixen2
personally for me...I don't think I could date more than one person at a time. If we are going to try and get to know eachother, I need to and want that person to focus on me. I don't want to focus on 5 guys...and I wish he wouldn't be sharing his attention on 5 other girls, but it is what it is. All the comparing of dates and whatnot...I'm just not a good dater I guess and why I don't usually do it..

I'm with you girl! I want to spend time getting to know one person and definitely don't want the person I'm trying to get to know not putting the same effort into getting to know me. Besides, juggling multiples could lead to confusing details about one with the other, even if the individuals you are dating know that you are dating other people it would be a little awkward and, IMO, insulting.

damnit...was NOT fugly lol

Great advice tubby! I believe in multiple dating...

Posted by a muse a libra
I don't get hurt if he is dating someone else...perhaps a bit jealous if it is in my face (if I see her, or if he discusses her with me) but otherwise, I can usually remain emotionally distant enough to not become hurt or angry.

Being in a "dating - date" relationship is not hard, but takes a lot of trust. I can sometimes tell the men I'm seeing somebody else, sometimes I don't feel it is a positive thing to talk about.

For example - the Virgo I'm dating now was cheated on by his ex-wife, and he is obviously still hurt by it. He's proclaimed many times he is totally faithful, but, we only recently kissed for the first time. Certainly never had a discussion about being exclusive - in fact, we discussed whether or not we were romantically interested in one another. I don't see how telling him I'm seeing somebody else benefits him or me in anyway. I'm doing it to hurt him, I don't think it SHOULD hurt him, and I won't STOP doing it at this point. But I know he wouldn't like it very much, or at least, that's the feeling I get.

Definitely deceiving him by not revealing everything, but I feel I'm under no obligation to reveal everything. If he asked me directly, I would not lie. Is this wrong? I don't feel it is, but am curious what others think...

I don't think that's wrong. You haven't progressed enough to even know if you are going to be in a relationship yet. I think if he asks then you can be truthful and explain to him that if you both decide to have a relationship then you wouldn't see others. I don't think you are being deceptive and it would probably cause him to be suspicious before he even gives you a chance. That's my opinion anyways! 😉

Posted by tiki33
Great advice tubby! I believe in multiple dating...

yeah took me a while to realize that just because you accept a dinner invitation that doesn't mean you have to be concerned about worry or not the guy is marriage material. it's free food damnit! i think of all the meals i passed up over the years and i'm kinda pissed about it. i mean think of the number of movie premiers i've missed as well...damn 😢

Posted by tubbyscubby

Posted by tiki33
Great advice tubby! I believe in multiple dating...

yeah took me a while to realize that just because you accept a dinner invitation that doesn't mean you have to be concerned about worry or not the guy is marriage material. it's free food damnit! i think of all the meals i passed up over the years and i'm kinda pissed about it. i mean think of the number of movie premiers i've missed as well...damn 😢

click to expand

LOL your so funny but yeah sure I know exactly what you mean, I see so many women heavily invest themselves in men that are still out there sowing there oats and still dating and not ready to commit to the first woman that he's attracted to, can be a very disappointing journey for the woman if she's the type that doesn't like to date.

IMO as long as women is fair, is safe, is conscious about her decisions, is honest about her intentions which for some women is to date until one man claims her it's completely fine. I can appreciate muse libra's point of view, she is single and dating and she doesn't have to broadcast it but if a man ask it's okay to be honest about it and if he don't like it then he should do something about it to take her off the market.

exactly! if you dont like it then you better put a label on it 😉

All women are beautiful temples but dating doesn't mean sex, women can date without having sex with men...

I don't see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time. Of course there are some rules though. 1. Make sure you can handle & keep up with all the work that goes into juggling multiple people. 2. Make sure you're dating multiple people for the RIGHT reasons, that way you never lose focus or start to go down the wrong road with them 3. Don't make offers or promises you can't keep. 4. Make sure that others are aware that until you are MARRIED, you are entitled to "shop around" until you find what you're really looking for..and the list goes on & on. People with low self esteem aren't good candidates for dating multiple people b/c they'll always end up giving all or atleast more than they should of what they have for all the wrong reasons or before the other person has earned those benefits. If you're going to date multiple people, keep an open mind & use the dating experience as a way to weed out exactly what kind of person you're ultimatly looking for (b/c sometimes we have to see/go through what we DON'T want in order to clearly recognize what it is we DO want. First off, when you start dating, you don't owe anyone an explanation as to who else you're dating, IF you've told everyone up front that you are just dating. If you start off pretending to be exclusive & put on the act like you're all theirs, then YES that person WILL take your word for it & things can get really rough if they find out you were just pretending to date only 1 person just for the sake of not making yourself look bad. When you're just getting to know someone & aren't exclusive with them yet, it's none of their business who ELSE you're talking to b/c in the beginning, people should NATURALLY ASSUME that they're competing with other people in the race for you anyways. When you're trying to impress someone or figure out if someone is long-term potential, you should have no time worrying about who else that person might be interested in. Just do your part & hope that the person considers it good enough.

BUT when it comes to sex...if you're dating multiple people & are sexually active with some or all of them, I think it's necessary & okay to tell those you are dating that yes, you are sexually active with other people. Anytime you have sex with someone, they do have the right to know what your sexual activity consists of..do they need to know the names & dates of the people you're having sex with? No. BUT, there should be some level of honesty from the beginning, especially when it comes to matters like sex. Plus, most people date multiple people at one time anyways, so sometimes you have to go into a situation knowing you're the "ish" but then again being realistic in knowing that the person you like might also have 5-10 other people who like them just like you do..in other words, always know that you're competing for someone, whether that person admits that to you or not. So I don't see the harm in admitting that you're just "shopping around." BUT, like I said, it all depends on how a person defines dating. Some people use dating as just their excuse for why they skip from person to person, all the while never really getting/learning anything from each experience..thus for those kinds of people, when they date multiple people, they're automatically going to be looked at as whores or something negative. BUT, when you're dating around for a while & yet you start to narrow down the list & zero in on a few people who have made it past the initial stages, I think those conversations about about commitment, sex & all those good old infringing questions becomes more okay & not as uncomfortable

@tiki...exactly! besides, it stopped being a "temple" the first time you laid down. so unless you're a virgin, it really ain't temple anymore...no matter how dusty it gets 😛

going on a date does not = sex. if you think that way, then you have a lot of maturing to do. it took me a while to stop thinking of it that way which is why learning to date for dating's sake was not only fun but it taught me a lot about me. how do you know what type of man you really want if you don't spend time around men? reality is, prince charming doesn't exist and you can grow old and lonely waiting for him to ride up on a white horse.

what's so wrong with getting gussied up and enjoying someone's company? who said he deserves your body, let alone a handshake just because he paid for desert? if there's no love connection, you haven't sullied your "temple." a man buying me dinner does not require that i consider what our children will look like.

so i say, enjoy yourself and if you choose to have sex, protect yourself. at the end of the day, it's your body and what you choose to do with it is on you. so don't worry about haggardly and chauvinistic ideals of purity. the only person that can judge me or my "temple" is god...and maybe nun or two.

besides, dating shouldn't be about sex and i don't understand making such a ridiculous correlation unless you have problems keeping your legs closed and your feet on the floor.

@krysrenee...yep! full disclosure if you're doing more than one...which i wouldn't personally want to do but to each his/her own. make sure it's wrapped up, i'd definitely recommend the pill/shot...something for the woman and beyond that, you're grown so be safe and do you.

Posted by tubbyscubby
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i said it made me a better person because although i didn't lower my standards, i have a better understanding of what i like/dislike. i also think dating is an art. when you're looking for someone, you're far different from when you're going out to have a good time. i found myself more relaxed on these types of dates than i did when i REALLY like a guy. over time, i learned how to be relaxed across the board.

so protect yourself if you choose to have sex. don't completely lower your standards. have fun and enjoy your youth.

I totally agree! I not only have a better understanding, but it made me raise my standards as well. My "Temple" is much harder to access than it used to be! I enjoy being wined and dined and appreciated! There's something sort of wonderful, too, in knowing that no matter, I always have somebody to do something with.

I was on the fence about sex, even with one, while dating others. I think I'll skip that because it's just kind of icky to me, and definitely not safe as there is no 100% safegaurd.

A temple is built in tribute out of honor and respect.

I am a goddess, a temple is what the lucky man I meet and choose to spend my life with honor me with. His temple will be one of devotion and love.

I am a goddess and will be honored as such. He is a god. My body is not a temple, but the love I can create with another is.

ack! i missed your first post...

pretty much 🙂 i say live life....safely, honestly, openly and joyously.

i've had enough friends who have lost their mothers at a young age and one of the lessons we've all gathered from that experience or were told on death beds was that life is short. don't live by other people's standards. do what makes you happy. enjoy your youth and your freedom. it's your life and you only get one. so fill it with as many treasures as you can...travel more, do something adventurous, run naked on a beach, open a business...whatever. just do you...safely.

you know, i used to do that too. on one of my bdays i went out with a guy and ending up paying half the bill. i don't know what came over me 😕 ! that same weekend a girlfriend took me out and she paid for everything and when i tried to pay, she threw my money back at me. the jerk of a guy i was on the date with gladly accepted my funds. so look it...

"let a man be a man." times may have changed but i think if they ultimately desire to be head of household, then act the part. if it all works out, imagine the number of dinners at home he'll get treated to...while he sits on your couch, soaking up your ac/heat, watching your cable and subsequently sleeping in your bed.

taking that into consideration, i'm worth a $ 15 meal at chilis if not more... and a "real" man...a man who is truly interested, will appreciate the gesture but won't let you pay anyway.

expressing an opinion here not solving world hunger so nothing to agree/disagree about really. i'm not asking you to change who you are or what you're about. it's MY opinion.

as i said, been there, done that. i'm going into full swing scarlett ohara mode and if i have to make a ball gown from my freakin drapes i'll go that route too. i figure the independence my mom taught me will always kick in so i'll definitely continue to wear my big girl panties but instead of a pair of slacks they're gonna be under my hoop skirt 😉

i was recently dating multiple people and it was fun. there was one virgo i was seeing and i knew he was dating other girls which i had no problem with since we weren't being intimate and i was also seeing other people. i'm no longer seeing him because i've found he's just not a right fit for me. then i met another guy who is absolutely wonderful and by the time our second date was over and pretty much dropped the one other guy i had been casually seeing. i found myself comparing them, for example the bartender drank a lot and the guy i'm seeing now doesn't drink at all. which is nice for me since i want to cut back on drinking. the bartender was a really nice guy but ultimately he definitely doesn't have the qualities i'm really looking for.

Posted by cancergem
i was recently dating multiple people and it was fun. there was one virgo i was seeing and i knew he was dating other girls which i had no problem with since we weren't being intimate and i was also seeing other people. i'm no longer seeing him because i've found he's just not a right fit for me. then i met another guy who is absolutely wonderful and by the time our second date was over and pretty much dropped the one other guy i had been casually seeing. i found myself comparing them, for example the bartender drank a lot and the guy i'm seeing now doesn't drink at all. which is nice for me since i want to cut back on drinking. the bartender was a really nice guy but ultimately he definitely doesn't have the qualities i'm really looking for.

Hey cancergem, you seem so much better than before, I remember how down you were over your last relationship, I see your out there dating, good for you!

well you definitely helped me out with that! my ex has recently started texting and calling again but i have no real interest in getting back with him anymore.

Posted by cancergem
well you definitely helped me out with that! my ex has recently started texting and calling again but i have no real interest in getting back with him anymore.

Oh I can't take all the credit, you did the work to get over your ex enough to get back out there and make yourself available to other men, as for the ex keeping in contact, that's cool, just make sure whatever happens you don't settle for less, he either take you off the market or he lose a good woman.

I could not and would not date multiple girls. Reversed if i knew a girl was dating more than one guy at a time and hand not discussed this way before hand to check what my stance was, I would promptly make an exit even if it was mid date. I prefer to focus on one person and get to know them on a one on one level. If they dont fit then ok, ill think about checking out someone else.

I dont think its a good choice for either sex unless its previously discussed and agreed upon. If you withhold that information knowingly its dishonest straight up. Im picky about personality traits and that just screams dishonesty to me. Theres a difference between mystery and falsehood. However some people would be ok with it. Im just not one of them.

For those who protest about dating more than 1 person, you do realize there's no exclusivity as the topic mentions right? So that means you have no right to dictate nothing to that other person.

I have a very screwed up schedule which it makes it difficult for me to get into a relationship in the first place. I'm not going to commit to someone I see only once a week period. Now dont get me wrong, I dont mean spending every waking breath with this person. I'm just talking hanging out 2 or 3 times a week if we're not living together.

But anyway, I dont put my eggs in one basket with any girl when single. Cause girls can cancel, dont call back, etc. I'm gonna have an option B in any situation regardless. Because I think if you put too much focus on one person when single, attachment will come too fast. And that could project to the other party and thus scare them off.

I think people really have forgotten about focusing on having a good time in dating. They go in with these heavy expectations of having a relationship by the 4th date. Instead of just taking it slow, and let things progress naturally.

As long as they're upfront with the other person, there's absolutely nothing wrong in dating let alone having sex with different people, when there's no exclusivity yet.

I do think people need to date around when single in their early to mid 20's. Because you're not going to be 100% definate on what you want out of relationships, let alone life in that period of time. It's just too unstable.

I've seen people that enjoyed being single and dated around through their 20's have an easier time of staying committed in long term relationships than ones that just stuck with the first person they dated. Cause as time goes on, they start having a curiosity about other people. And that usually translates into dumping or cheating on the other person. Which is not fair to them if you werent 100 % ready to be committed in the first place.

So I tip my hat to these guys and gals that have the courage to be single and knowing what they want without giving 2 sh-ts what other people think.

If your unstable or dont have the ability to make yourself available more than once a week you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place. Unless those your dating also belong to that group. If you dont have the time to get to know someone before going next you conceded you also do not have the time to know yourself.

While i agree the approach seems logical from the perspective of human competition where relationships are concerned. I however view those serial daters as spiritually and mentally at loss. You should not be committing to any date unless you feel that person has something that matches your emotional, physical or metal compatibility scale.

Its not about exclusivity but rather respect for the other individual your absorbing. If it doesnt work out then of course thats what was meant to happen. However to always have something or someone else on the line. Doesnt show much faith in yourself let alone other people. While i dont care what others choose to do with their personal lives. If im on the other side of the table with someone who makes those choices i see someone who is primitive as a person. If you havent sat down with yourself and divined your relationship requirements before heading out there...... wow.

Better to date with some direction than just set up tons of them and blindly head in waving your sword. You may miss something important. Every first encounter is one of masks and only through time do you peel back that mask to find the truth behind it. People serial date thinking the more they do the faster they will find "the one". But that person you seek doesnt come with a manual and neither do you. So if you dont learn to remove the layers with patience in the beginning your doomed at the end.

theres a difference between what is acceptable by norm and what is acceptable consciously. Even the original poster is unsure on a subliminal level whether its honest or not and has a tinge of guilt in this. If your not ready to be available by making yourself so then your not ready to offer anyone what they deserve which is always your best. To busy in life and schedule is equal to zero personal growth and zero individuality. Dating en mass only adds to the disposable people and society mentality.

If you feel even slightly guilty and you continue your not listening to yourself. If someone doesnt call back... then oh no you might actually have to spend some time with yourself god forbid you get to know yourself! ~

I see your point thefish but at the same time if a woman tells you she is dating then of course you know she is dating multiple men but that doesn't mean she's having sex with all these men and let's face it, if your not offering her exclusivity, an exclusive committed monogamous relationship then why should you care what she does when your not around. I can understand if you offer a real relationship and ask her to stop dating other men because she's off the market but technically she's still single even if she decides to be your girlfriend because girlfriend is not marriage/married.

I definitely don't see anything wrong with how you approach dating but it's not realistic to expect others to be like you are, there are still a huge majority of women that hate dating more than one man but most women of today know that if she wants to get married she has to keep her options open and not shut down doors especially if marriage is important to her and she's with a man that is okay with dating her for now but doesn't actually see her in his future as a wife. Her time is limited, she doesn't have all her life to decide to get married and have babies, there is a certain window of opportunity for her to create the life she wants and she can't afford to waste her time being someones forever date which technically is what a girlfriend really is, at a certain age she has to explore her options and choose the best man or allow him to choose her...Men (not all but a huge majority) don't have the urgency to marry and have babies so she has to be careful whom she gives her life to.

I don't see any reason why FB80 can't date, he should be able to get out there and explore his options, as long as he's being honest and not misleading anyone into believing he's completely available then I see nothing wrong with having companionship because most likely if he's honest about his status a woman will be more accepting of her place in his world.

I do agree there is dating ADD out here, too many people looking for the next best thing but for the most part people have a right to serial date or not serial date, it doesn't make them less evolved than anyone else, it's a choice that people make for there own reasons, I do feel there is a massive amount of people with commitmentphobia/commitment fears but a woman/man can learn to see the signs to avoid these kind of people....to each his/her own.

"theres a difference between what is acceptable by norm and what is acceptable consciously. Even the original poster is unsure on a subliminal level whether its honest or not and has a tinge of guilt in this. If your not ready to be available by making yourself so then your not ready to offer anyone what they deserve which is always your best. To busy in life and schedule is equal to zero personal growth and zero individuality. Dating en mass only adds to the disposable people and society mentality. "

I am not unsure whether it is honest - just curious whether it treads on moral boundaries not to disclose. You're exactly the kind of man I would choose NOT to disclose this information to. If we were on a first date, I see no reason why it is any of your business if I am seeing somebody else or having sex with him. If it is your business, you should definitely ask. I would tell you - I would never lie outright.

However, because I need two jobs to pay my rent, my car note, my bills, and because I have friends I enjoy interacting with every Wednesday and/or Friday doesn't mean I'm not growing as a person - and certainly that I am not an individual. I grow leaps and bounds every year and think I am unique wonderful person with a lot to offer. Others seem to agree, but I won't speak for my friends...

I do find my time extremely limited. I do work two jobs and have a lot of friends I love to see and spend time. I seek companionship. I do want a family and a marriage. Most men my age (27) don't - or are just starting to consider it. Why should I offer my entire being up to somebody I don't know? Somebody I am getting to know? Dating multiple men doesn't limit my patience, it actually greatly increases it. It allows me to sincerely get to know somebody with the urgency of the ticking clock quieted. The patience comes from knowing, if it turns out this person isn't right, I have options, I have other interests that might actually turn out for the better.

My dating more than one man at a time doesn't (at this point) seem to interfere with the quality of relationship I maintain with them. I find no issue with remember each man's name - or what conversation I had with whom. Each person is an individual in my eyes, each unique, my brain doesn't confuse them, my heart doesn't either.

The only thing it really truly seems to affect is how soon I will go to bed with them. The moment is postponed because I realize it a larger step toward commitment. Because I know that I will soon develop feelings of a deeper nature for that man after going to bed with him. Because (personally) I probably will want to be exclusive with him.

If going to bed with me doesn't mean those things for him - I want no part. Dating multiple men has provided me the upper hand as far as judgment goes in this respect. I can smell a rat much more clearly now. He isn't as patient. He doesn't develop a true intimacy of friendship before rushing me to his bedroom.

I focus on the person, so much so, that a real intimacy can be developed - and if it cannot, I move on.

Just a note - when I date more than one man, there is usually one that I am feeling most affectionate toward. One whom I hope I go out with on Saturday. But if he suddenly becomes unavailable or distant, it is no skin off my back to ignore him and go out with #2. And #2 usually pulls out into the lead.

No man is perfect, there will be no man to meet my ideal. But, I do think there is a man out there who will do what it takes to claim me, to want me as his girlfriend, and he will be worth it for me...he will tolerate my unending schedule. I'm looking for him, keeping my eyes peeled. I hope he's looking for me, too and not limiting himself to one person who may or may not care for him for the right reasons.

the reality is, on date 1 you don't know if the person across the table is a crackhead, a pedophile, serial killer...

strangers are just that...until they're not. strangers don't deserve blind allegiance.

strangers should not be told your life story on date 1. doing so chases sane people away but it sure does attract the crazies.

dating, whether you're a man or woman, does not require that you give yourself unto another person just because you shared a desert.

learning to be alone is healthy. but learning how to be with others is healthy too.

Men have seen the Collateral Damage to Friends, their Fathers and Uncles. And the behavior of Women before and after Marriage. Those burned once, see Marriage in the for what it has become. A One sided Adhesion Agreement. On the Woman??s side sits the Federal Government. Men effectively lose all equity and power in a relationship after they say I Do. With lots of liabilities and minimal benefits Marriage is a high Risk, Low reward proposition.

And Women are unwilling to change that. They want equality and Chivalry and the right to choose which on their Whims. Sorry Men are walking away from Relationships, Dating, Chivalry and Women in general. As they have become a Luxury Men can live without. So while i feel women are beautiful and wonderful. I dearly care for my girlfriend and when i was young i wanted to have a family. Ive seen to many friends and family suffer.

So dating like mad to find one who wants to marry may be a good idea. Even myself never been married but to be honest most likely never will marry with the way things are. My parents generation all of them were married before 25 and very few of them are divorced. Now marriages are like 6 months to a year long in most cases. Big waste of time money and effort.

Men have become less dependable and very weary of marriage commitment. I recall an economics professor's exact words in class. "A young man would have to be a complete idiot to get married or have children in today's society, it's like running blindfolded through a minefield." I firmly believe everyone has the right of choice and to equality. I also believe however it can be taken to far or become to extreme on wither side.

OOOHHH how im going to be flamed for this....

I think if you cant be honest with someone from the start and you have something to hide from the beginning. If they find out later down the road you were with another man at the same time whether it was sexual or non. They might consider it cheating. You said yourself you think most would perceive a discussion about multiple dating as negative. Some men might put up with it. Those that respect themselves definitely would not.

If something is perceived in the back of your mind as received negative it goes against your morals. So to an extent i see strength in your choice to push your morals and the perception of others. However as yourself if you decided to become or wanted to be exclusive to a man and you found out later on that while your were dating he was buck wild with another woman.

You may be exclusive now but..... does that not exceed the limits of trust? I see little value personally in it. Im super picky about partners myself. I definitely do ask on the first date if the person is involved elsewhere. Ive had one yes and i promptly wished them luck with their other endeavour and went on with my evening solo. Its nothing to do with jealousy, competition or the right to dictate anything. If i were to reverse the rolls i would feel guilty, dirty and dishonest for not being open.

Un-evolved i didnt mean as an insult but rather as a current position from which that person operates. Meaning they have the ability to enlighten themselves at a later time but currently do not meet my criteria for a potential partner. To be picky and respect your worth is one thing. But to disrespect someone else in the process is something else entirely. I can usually judge if something with someone is off, even on the first date.

If you cannot extend to others what you want for yourself your taking the train to nowhere and every stop on that train sucks.

Posted by thefish

My parents generation all of them were married before 25 and very few of them are divorced.

who's to say that they aren't miserable?

women of older generations stayed because they had to. when you lack the ability to earn and provide, you're forced to stay with.

other women were raised to believe that a woman's place was by a man's side...even if he's a jackass.

you may long for days of long ago but don't romanticize it. i'd like to see a study on how many couples during that era married as a result of pregnancy. i bet you'd find that the birth of child one coincides largely with "i do."

the nature of man and woman is that man provides and woman nurtures. now women are very capable of providing for ourselves and men have stayed in their archaic mentality that their sole purpose it to provide. it's why there are so many one-parent households. it's the woman's job to care for the kid.

thus the problem isn't that women have become more independent. it's that women have evolved and most men are slightly evolved apes with recognizable speech patterns.

hmm...some women are straight up hoes too so i thought i'd throw that in there.

Thefish you are contradicting yourself. Why would a man feel it's cheating if he has no interest beyond a gf/bf relationship? I see your points and you make some very valid ones but at the same time, it's still a case of let me have my cake and eat it too, I don't want to marry you but I sure as hell don't want anyone else to have you.

I can respect your position on not getting married but at the same time I think your being hypocritical and greedy when it comes to equality in relationships. Many men are lazy they don't want to hunt, the want easy and when they get easy that's not good enough either, your saying there is a population of men that call us a liability and can do without us and yet these very same men have a problem with us dating more than one man.

Do you honestly believe you can have it all, your girlfriend will demand marriage somewhere down the line and you will have to make a choice, right now you got your cake and your eating it too but she's going to cash in at some point, there is no way she will sit there and let her eggs dry up because you have commitmentphobia/commitment fears, your both either going to get married or she's going to find a new partner and break up at some point.

You call a person that makes a choice to serial date as unevolved and I can easily say the same about you, your not flexible in how you approach dating, it's your way or the highway and that doesn't sound evolved to me, people I know that aren't flexible with how they deal with others seem to be the unevolved ones.

I see no reason to tie people down when I don't even know if he's going to be a good boyfriend or a good husband for that fact, if I don't know if our relationship will lead to an exclusive monogamous committed relationship that will lead to marriage, women are playing russian roulette when she puts all her eggs in one basket, I think it's important to know if a person can even do a real relationship first, have little to no committment fears before giving herself completely away to exclusively to one man, look around on DXP, look at all the women that have emotionally invested themselves with commitmentphobic men, she's stuck. It's hard for us to detach ourselves one we invest in a man.

Whos's to say they arent happy either? People shy away from working on relationships and instead dispose of it and look for new ones. Now now, I never said i had a problem with womens equality. I merely was stating women complain now that men dont want to commit or balk at the thought of families and children. When they wonder why its because the price is to great. If a mans a jackass you shouldnt stay if a woman is a bitch you should leave her.

However i think divorce and children are used now by women as a tool. I speak from actually seeing the hardship it creates. I know a guy who has a child that lives about 500 km away now. He actually purchased a house close to her parents so shed be happier. So she moved out there right away and he continued working until he could nail a job down there.

A month and a bit into it she just stopped talking to him and he found out she had a boyfriend living in the house with her. Breaking up 500 km away and for the last 4 years trying to be a dad.... I admire hes dedication to the child. But i hope that hoe gets hit by a bus! His child support payments are astronomical to the point that he can barely afford to drive his car and rent his apartment. Also he gets to see his kid maybe once every 3 to 6 months because of the finances of it.. and hes actually a schooled professional.

Not every situation is so. But she does use the child as leverage on him asking for more money etc. Our group of friends sees this and its like no way in hell! The days of the disney fairytale thoughts are gone. Im just saying its not worth it to get married or to have children, when over 50% of the time you end up broke and not seeing children you planned on raising! Your best off not reproducing and just living a content free relationship. Where leaving has no consequences beyond the initial break.

Its great that my companion works and she works hard. I respect her work ethic and independence. Im committed to staying with her possibly for a lifetime. However as far as marriage or children are concerned i take a pass. Its to risky these days. Ive got a lot of single female friends who cant understand why they cant get a man to settle down.

Should anyone risk their lifetime financial well being on an i do that essentially means nothing to anyone?

I don't feel a woman or a man should lie about how they choose to live there lives, I do feel a men/women hav a right to say no thanks to potential partners if they are dating multiple people but I wouldn't judge a person for dating mulitple people especially if I have no intentions of ever getting married.

Dating is not a relationship, dating is just that, girlfriend is not permanent, girlfriend is temporary....Women (men included) are single until married, I don't care if she lives with a man, she's been with him 13 years, she is single, now she may have made a commitment to do otherwise but the reality of it is she's available on the market until that ring hits her finger, she can choose to take herself off the market but wouldn't she feel ridiculous doing that after she's invested so many years only to get dumped for ridiculous reasons or traded in for a newer model.

Don't get me wrong my preference is to date a man that only dates one woman at a time, that's my preference as well but I won't not consider dating a man that is multiple dating, it all depends on were I'm at in my life.

Posted by thefish
a guy who has a child that lives about 500 km away now. He actually purchased a house close to her parents so shed be happier. So she moved out there right away and he continued working until he could nail a job down there.

A month and a bit into it she just stopped talking to him and he found out she had a boyfriend living in the house with her. Breaking up 500 km away and for the last 4 years trying to be a dad.... I admire hes dedication to the child. But i hope that hoe gets hit by a bus! His child support payments are astronomical to the point that he can barely afford to drive his car and rent his apartment. Also he gets to see his kid maybe once every 3 to 6 months because of the finances of it.. and hes actually a schooled professional.

Should anyone risk their lifetime financial well being on an i do that essentially means nothing to anyone?

no, one shouldn't. two words....

CONDOM

PRE-NUPTIAL

now what are your complaints again?

You can work on relationships if your multiple dating, you can still build a real solid relationship, there is no specific rules in the dating handbook that says you can't multiple date and create strong lasting loving mature relationships within the relationship and outside of it.

You don't want to get married, why would you care? I don't get your attitude, I'm not disagreeing with you, I just don't necessarily understand your point of view. If you have no intentions to marry who are you to tie up someone elses time that wants marriage.

Relationships are risky, we all take a risk to be vulnerable and expose ourselves to other human beings, there is good and bad in life, in relationships, that's the risk you take, if you don't want to take a risk then find a woman that doesn't ever want to get married and have babies and your good to go but to have this unrealistic idea that if a woman or a man for that fact is multiple dating he or she will not make a viable respectable partner.

Women know there is a huge possibility that she could walk into a marriage and get mentally verbally emotionally physically abused and her every step controlled, she understands that her life is not her own anymore, her money is not her own, she takes that risk anyway, she gets married despite all the possibilities of something not working out, there are women paying child support more now than ever before, losing her home and her kids, there is just a huge risk for both sexes, I see your points I really do and they are valid but there are 2 sides to every situation and it can be equally as bad for a woman as it is for a man.

Your girlfriend is settling but one day, some day she will want more and won't settle anymore, that's a risk in and of itself, that's life, get over it.